email from ex- do i respond.

[GreenPolicy]

 

 

This is the unmarried version of WAW.

 

What does this stand for?

[carhill]

WAW = walk away wife

 

Everything was seemingly wonderful in this 18 month LTR then it ended abruptly one week.

[GreenPolicy]

WAW = walk away wife

 

Everything was seemingly wonderful in this 18 month LTR then it ended abruptly one week.

 

I felt blindsided by my breakup but looking back I can see she started to detach about a month before she actually pulled the trigger. I missed signs that she was unhappy. One thing I've learned is that there are ALWAYS signs and you can never be truly blindsided. Surprised, maybe. But not truly blindsided. I ignored things that I shouldn't have. It wouldn't have made a difference. She is who she is and I can't change her.

 

We were together two weeks shy of a year. She told me when we started that most of her relationships were extremely short-term with her being the dumper, and that at the age of 30 before meeting me that she had only two previous ones that lasted as long as a year. Because of certain gestures she made with me that she had never done with any guy before (sat her parents down to tell them I was The One and I was different from all the other guys she ever met, tried to set up dinner between both sets of parents and future in-laws, introduced me to her biological father after having nothing to do with him for years, the first time she did that with any guy she dated), I did not think this would happen to me. I was wrong. My ex is somebody that is not capable and willing of sustaining a ltr.

[Breakupguy12]

In my humble opinion, the first step back doesn't take place until it's clear that both parties are committed to getting back together.

 

Since she's reached out to YOU, I don't see anything wrong with asking her what she thinks about trying to make it work. There must be commitments from both sides. It's obvious that you want to get back together, but why not cut to the chase and ask her point blank?

[carhill]

Let's review:

 

I have been thinking of you, work has been crazy, all is well, sorry i havent been in touch, would love to see you in the new year, have a wonderful xmas, send love to all family, wishing you all the best for 2011, xxx

 

I'm imagining my exW sending this message. Tic-toc. Hmmm..... she would love to see me in the new year and is sorry she hasn't been in touch. Let me think....how long ago did she dump me? Oh, right, two months ago. I almost forgot because of that warm feeling in my belly. No, that's my gall bladder acting up again. Darnit.

 

Here's a clue. Women who dump men quickly, concisely and unemotionally (correct me OP if I mischaracterize) have absolutely no inhibition nor qualm about waltzing right back in and saying 'sorry honey, I made a mistake, let's get back together'. They simply have the emotional ability to do such things without fear. So, when the 'sorry honey, I made a mistake, let's get back together' leaves a wisp of steam out her lips as she whispers in your ear, then listen. Until then, electrons tell no tales.

[AlisaMarie]

You will never know her intentions unless you respond. Can you live your life wondering if you made the biggest mistake by ignoring her? What if what if what if! Although this may lead you into complete heartbreak again, so what! You have been there before and you will get over it again. I say respond... but don't talk about the relationship, just express the same emotion she did. She said she'd hope to see you. I am not trying to give you false hope, but people just don't say that to say that.

[carhill]

Here was the OP's response:

 

I finally did reply yesterday. I basically said:

 

"Hi darling thanks for the message, merry xmas to you and your family too. x"

[Am4Real]

Carhill,

 

Again the junior posters think it's a good idea for him to contact her and the senior posters disagree....tells me everything. Too bad Andy is so blind while she is "having her way with the new guy".

 

He'll learn.

[carhill]

Well, since he had already contacted her with the quoted response, then time will take its course. I hope the OP makes no further proactive contacts. Think about it....there's no real reason. He was dumped. Rejection doesn't get any more painful than that. Think about what a man does when a woman rejects his romantic advances..... he accepts that and sets off in search of another woman. No need to linger and orbit. Move on.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Carhill,

 

Again the junior posters think it's a good idea for him to contact her and the senior posters disagree....tells me everything. Too bad Andy is so blind while she is "having her way with the new guy".

 

He'll learn.

 

I hope you're right that he'll learn and couldn't agree with you more that there is a stark difference between the junior and senior posters. I worry at age 33 that he's set in his ways and is super fired up over her and just looking for validation to contact her. It's kind of played out that way actually since a bunch of us told him that he is OUT but he grasped at what the junior posters said and went ahead and contacted her anyway.

 

I just hate to see something like this because OP seems like a good guy that deserves a girl that is really into him. Unfortunately he is wasting his time with this woman while he could be using his energy to find a woman that will give him the proper attention.

 

I'm not bullish on him "learning" because so far his actions are telling me that he is going to continue on his path of being her 2nd class citizen, taking whatever scraps she offers.

 

It's sad but some guys just do that for their whole lives.

[PowerOfOne]

I'm a little taken back by the posters claiming he's an idiot or he'll learn etc. I'm a big advocate of NC. But it's only a tool to help you heal. Not a binding contract with yourself for eternity. You hold onto it until you've got a clear head and can see things for how they are.

 

Shutting all ex partners out as if they are all the devil is just plain nonsense. Yes, there is alot of pain and yes they caused it. Sometimes through malicious acts, sometimes because the relationship had run its course.

 

Personally i don't think he should've have replied if he's still not thinking straight but this thread has gone off on a bitter tangent.

Edited December 24, 2010 by PowerOfOne
grammer

[Jeff M Stevens]

I'm a little taken back by the posters claiming he's an idiot or he'll learn etc. I'm a big advocate of NC. But it's only a tool to help you heal. Not a binding contract with yourself for eternity. You hold onto it until you've got a clear head and can see things for how they are.

 

Shutting all ex partners out as if they are all the devil is just plain nonsense. Yes, there is alot of pain and yes they caused it. Sometimes through malicious acts, sometimes because the relationship had run its course.

 

Personally i don't think he should've have replied if he's still not thinking straight but this thread has gone off on a bitter tangent.

 

You obviously haven't read my posts otherwise you would have qualified your statement to say that SOME posters are saying that. I never ever once said that an ex is the devil. They simply are someone that is not interested any longer and there is no reason to keep the contact going.

 

"But they can stay friends" is something that I'll probably see in protest to this, but I don't believe in that. There is usually someone that got dumped, and therefore someone that still wants the other person back. Not a healthy basis for a friendship.

 

Plus, a lot of guys don't know how to move on, they keep circling around the false hope drain, as OP is, fooling himself that the relationship has a chance.

 

Finally, with the way she pulled the "I need space" routine and left him for dead, totally disregarding his feelings (because she was done with him) personally I feel that she is OUT FOR LIFE.

 

Not being bitter, not saying she's the devil, just simply saying something along these lines to a woman that did what she did:

 

"if you didn't care about how I felt when you left, then I have zero interest in maintaining any kind of relationship with you and please don't go away mad, just go away"

 

Bottom line? I feel it is impossible to maintain any kind of relationship/contact with someone that just decides that their life is better off without you in it. Again, NOT BITTER but just accepting REALITY.

[PowerOfOne]

You obviously haven't read my posts otherwise you would have qualified your statement to say that SOME posters are saying that. I never ever once said that an ex is the devil. They simply are someone that is not interested any longer and there is no reason to keep the contact going.

 

"But they can stay friends" is something that I'll probably see in protest to this, but I don't believe in that. There is usually someone that got dumped, and therefore someone that still wants the other person back. Not a healthy basis for a friendship.

 

Plus, a lot of guys don't know how to move on, they keep circling around the false hope drain, as OP is, fooling himself that the relationship has a chance.

 

Finally, with the way she pulled the "I need space" routine and left him for dead, totally disregarding his feelings (because she was done with him) personally I feel that she is OUT FOR LIFE.

 

Not being bitter, not saying she's the devil, just simply saying something along these lines to a woman that did what she did:

 

"if you didn't care about how I felt when you left, then I have zero interest in maintaining any kind of relationship with you and please don't go away mad, just go away"

 

Bottom line? I feel it is impossible to maintain any kind of relationship/contact with someone that just decides that their life is better off without you in it. Again, NOT BITTER but just accepting REALITY.

 

Before i start i'd like to make it clear that this might not apply to how she acted in this case. I'm addressing what seems to be blanket advice when 'someone leaves'.

 

John, I totally agree what a "friendship" with one person wanting more is not healthy at all. I think it's very rare that a friendship between two people who used to be in a relationship actually works.

 

I certainly didn't mean to imply that every poster who said not to reply had some deep seeded bitterness either. I'm sorry if that's the way it came across.

 

I think the argument that 'i need space' is a legitimate excuse to break off a relationship. Would you rather a partner that sucked it up and stewed on it unhappy for the remainder of the relationship when they had goals and ambitions that could only be met outside of a relationship?

 

That's life I'm afraid. It sucks for the other person (i'm that other person right now). But you can't breakup with someone without hurting some feelings. Some people breakup well, some people don't have the maturity to breakup well. Everyone is at a various stage in life.

 

I also think that the NC advice given out seems to have grown into some kind of monster. It's role is to stop you doing something stupid. It's about closing the door to communication that would hurt you. It's to get them out of your system. To force you to create new routines that don't involve the ex.

 

But if your ex sends an email that is "polite and friendly" then to completely ignore it is something you can judge for yourself and based on where you're at. His reply was benign and vague. I personally didn't see it as something that would lead to further hurt. He didn't ask how she was, it didn't fish for a reply etc.

 

I think this is where the reason for using NC has been lost in these hard fast rules about not replying, blocking FB, blocking numbers etc. You enter NC with the ideal of what NC represents. Which is to get her out of your system, to eliminate those 'just checking in' convos where you hear about the next person in the picture, to prevent you sending those needy texts etc.

 

But if you get a polite email or text, i think by replying in turn proves you are the bigger person. And again, this only applys to breakups that didn't involve cheating/abuse etc. In those cases i would recommend leaving them in your wake!

 

i guess what i'm trying to say is that each case is going to be different. It's important to realise that when employing 'tools' like NC that you apply the IDEAL of what it is. Not a set of hard fast rules that blanket every kind of breakup possible. Each and every breakup is different.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Before i start i'd like to make it clear that this might not apply to how she acted in this case. I'm addressing what seems to be blanket advice when 'someone leaves'.

 

John, I totally agree what a "friendship" with one person wanting more is not healthy at all. I think it's very rare that a friendship between two people who used to be in a relationship actually works.

 

I certainly didn't mean to imply that every poster who said not to reply had some deep seeded bitterness either. I'm sorry if that's the way it came across.

 

I think the argument that 'i need space' is a legitimate excuse to break off a relationship. Would you rather a partner that sucked it up and stewed on it unhappy for the remainder of the relationship when they had goals and ambitions that could only be met outside of a relationship?

 

That's life I'm afraid. It sucks for the other person (i'm that other person right now). But you can't breakup with someone without hurting some feelings. Some people breakup well, some people don't have the maturity to breakup well. Everyone is at a various stage in life.

 

I also think that the NC advice given out seems to have grown into some kind of monster. It's role is to stop you doing something stupid. It's about closing the door to communication that would hurt you. It's to get them out of your system. To force you to create new routines that don't involve the ex.

 

But if your ex sends an email that is "polite and friendly" then to completely ignore it is something you can judge for yourself and based on where you're at. His reply was benign and vague. I personally didn't see it as something that would lead to further hurt. He didn't ask how she was, it didn't fish for a reply etc.

 

I think this is where the reason for using NC has been lost in these hard fast rules about not replying, blocking FB, blocking numbers etc. You enter NC with the ideal of what NC represents. Which is to get her out of your system, to eliminate those 'just checking in' convos where you hear about the next person in the picture, to prevent you sending those needy texts etc.

 

But if you get a polite email or text, i think by replying in turn proves you are the bigger person. And again, this only applys to breakups that didn't involve cheating/abuse etc. In those cases i would recommend leaving them in your wake!

 

i guess what i'm trying to say is that each case is going to be different. It's important to realise that when employing 'tools' like NC that you apply the IDEAL of what it is. Not a set of hard fast rules that blanket every kind of breakup possible. Each and every breakup is different.

 

I think you make very valid points in that you should never allow yourself to fall into bitterness behind a shield of NC.

 

My only point is that OP did respond because he wants her back. He would never have asked a forum if he should respond and then go ahead and send something anyway, even though it was benign, if he didn't want her back.

 

Also, the "needing space" thing is pretty generic and humane but the bottom line message is "Go away, I don't want you anymore," and that's what I was reacting to. I just didn't want him to fool himself into thinking that there was a chance for them.

 

Still, I agree with you that to allow yourself to be bitter and throw rocks at someone that simply is not interested anymore is counterproductive and you were right to bring that up.

[PowerOfOne]

To be honest I was with the don't reply crowd as well . Purely because he had the underlying hope that a second chance was in order.

 

I agree that the 'i need space' is a favorite for dumpers. It's ambiguous and used as a reason so as to not hurt a dumpee's feelings. I'm sure there are cases where someone wanted out to chase the single life or they felt smothered but if everything else in the relationship was peachy then it wouldn't be a deal breaker and they'd work through it.

[Jake99]

I think you make very valid points in that you should never allow yourself to fall into bitterness behind a shield of NC.

 

My only point is that OP did respond because he wants her back. He would never have asked a forum if he should respond and then go ahead and send something anyway, even though it was benign, if he didn't want her back.

 

Also, the "needing space" thing is pretty generic and humane but the bottom line message is "Go away, I don't want you anymore," and that's what I was reacting to. I just didn't want him to fool himself into thinking that there was a chance for them.

 

Still, I agree with you that to allow yourself to be bitter and throw rocks at someone that simply is not interested anymore is counterproductive and you were right to bring that up.

 

I'm with Jeff on all this information that has been given to everyone. My ex gf dumped me at the beginning of November and used the "I need space,"" " I'm not sure what I want", yada yada yada! I was broken up because there was huge promises of a family Christmas, marriage, everything! Needless to say she is see someone else! SPACE = SOMEONE ELSE HAS HER INTEREST AND IT'S NOT YOU!!!

Going on 3 weeks of NC and I got an email this week wishing me a merry christmas and thanking me for being an infulence on her life. At that point I deleted it without reading the rest of it. I will not be responding because it's all about her ego and havin a boast. Obviously, things may not be rosie for her and she's thinking about what she did. In the big picture, who cares that's her problem.

I loved this girl, her children and her family and I would have done anything for them, but I'm not going to be a doormat for her.

She chose to not be with me, she lost all opportunities to be in my life!

[Jeff M Stevens]

I'm with Jeff on all this information that has been given to everyone. My ex gf dumped me at the beginning of November and used the "I need space,"" " I'm not sure what I want", yada yada yada! I was broken up because there was huge promises of a family Christmas, marriage, everything! Needless to say she is see someone else! SPACE = SOMEONE ELSE HAS HER INTEREST AND IT'S NOT YOU!!!

Going on 3 weeks of NC and I got an email this week wishing me a merry christmas and thanking me for being an infulence on her life. At that point I deleted it without reading the rest of it. I will not be responding because it's all about her ego and havin a boast. Obviously, things may not be rosie for her and she's thinking about what she did. In the big picture, who cares that's her problem.

I loved this girl, her children and her family and I would have done anything for them, but I'm not going to be a doormat for her.

She chose to not be with me, she lost all opportunities to be in my life!

 

It's tough to be dumped like that and I feel for you man, HOWEVER, you have now given yourself a chance to find a girl that is really into you since you refuse to look backwards.

 

And you're right, it was all about her ego. She left your relationship for dead, mainly didn't care how you felt or how you'd pick up the pieces but wants to soothe her lingering guilt feelings by reaching out.

 

I'm glad you are going total NC, because she's never going to be your lover again, there is no point to being friends and by putting her in your rearview, you can concentrate on healing and being ready for a girl that deserves you.

 

Good job and good luck man

[andrew23]

UPDATE

just to update you and ask about the next step.

I sent her a drunk happy new year text saying i miss her and happy 2011. (i know big mistake, but these 2 female friends talked me into it)

She texted me back 10 minutes later, with: "Sweetheart! I miss you too and am thinking of you! Happy new year xxx"

 

What now?? Does it mean anything? Ball still in her court right?

[homebrew]

UPDATE

just to update you and ask about the next step.

I sent her a drunk happy new year text saying i miss her and happy 2011. (i know big mistake, but these 2 female friends talked me into it)

She texted me back 10 minutes later, with: "

 

What now?? Does it mean anything? Ball still in her court right?

 

Yup!

 

She had every opportunity to say "Sweetheart! I miss you too and am thinking of you! Happy new year xxx... I realize now that I made a BIG MISTAKE! I want you back! Please... Tell me what I have to do!"

[Chi townD]

I think I'm gonna quote someone on this site when they said, " She's just pulling on the leash to see if the dog is still attached." Don't put your life on hold to see if this girl is gonna come back is all I'm saying.

[Jeff M Stevens]

UPDATE

just to update you and ask about the next step.

I sent her a drunk happy new year text saying i miss her and happy 2011. (i know big mistake, but these 2 female friends talked me into it)

She texted me back 10 minutes later, with: "Sweetheart! I miss you too and am thinking of you! Happy new year xxx"

 

What now?? Does it mean anything? Ball still in her court right?

 

It means you're still grasping at straws and keeping (false) hope alive. Go ahead and get back with her and accept the scraps that fall off her table like a good dog, because that's what you'll be in her eyes, a begging mutt!

 

I have a feeling that you are a good guy that deserves to have a girl be really into him, but if you want to just put yourself in a position where you are accepting scraps from a non-interested woman, then go ahead and keep going after this girl instead of trying to find a new one like you should!

[andrew23]

Guess you guys are right, but from her behaviour over the last 3 months she is not the type to give false hopes or "pull on the lead", thats why it seems to me she means it- but it of course doesn't mean i want you back. However I agree, I will not expect anything and not hope for it, she needs to come knocking at my door pleading before it can happen I guess! Will revert back to NC - as tough as it is!

Thanks for your input!

[homebrew]

Take on this approach and mindset....

 

For Me...

[IfiKnewThen]

what now? then say well let me call you and lets catch up!! thats what now.

 

andrew. dont ignore that.

[Am4Real]

Guess you guys are right, but from her behaviour over the last 3 months she is not the type to give false hopes or "pull on the lead", thats why it seems to me she means it- but it of course doesn't mean i want you back. However I agree, I will not expect anything and not hope for it, she needs to come knocking at my door pleading before it can happen I guess! Will revert back to NC - as tough as it is!

Thanks for your input!

 

Post #72 and now you get it? Marveloous...simply marvelous!!!