email from ex- do i respond.

[PegNosePete]

UPDATE

just to update you and ask about the next step.

I sent her a drunk happy new year text saying i miss her and happy 2011. (i know big mistake, but these 2 female friends talked me into it)

She texted me back 10 minutes later, with: "Sweetheart! I miss you too and am thinking of you! Happy new year xxx"

 

What now?? Does it mean anything? Ball still in her court right?

Dude I've said it before and I'll say it again, STOP THAT SH#T!!!

Those two female friends are obviously not concerned with your feelings, they are just toying with you to create gossip.

 

There is no ball. There is no court. Forget her and move on dude.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry dude. But you're so far in denial, you've gone way past Cairo and Luxor, you're fast approaching Aswan.

Well seems now you're half way through Sudan, are you going to go up the Blue Denial into Ethiopia or the White Denial into Uganda???

[Jeff M Stevens]

she needs to come knocking at my door pleading before it can happen I guess!

 

The fact that you wrote that sentence is disturbing. There should be NO CIRCUMSTANCE where you take her back. She can beg and plead and take out a full page ad in your newspaper and you should not take her back. I'm sorry man, but when she did what she did, she told you in no uncertain terms:

 

"I'm not interested in you and don't care what happens from here to your romantic feelings"

 

If she ever comes back its only because she got her butt kicked and your the last man standing or she has low self-esteem and can't be alone or you tweaked her ego with NC but NONE OF THE REASONS FOR HER COMING BACK will ever mean that she's truly interested in you.

 

You need to move on and FORGET ABOUT HER otherwise you will be just accepting scraps from her.

 

Remember, there are NO CIRCUMSTANCES where you should ever take her back and if you do, prepare to be a 2nd class citizen (at best) for LIFE in that relationship.

[Am4Real]

We're on six pages of posts now, saying the same thing over and over and over...he baits all of you (us) (me) with some one liner and it creates a whole forum of responses. It seems the only persons who "get it" are the posters; I suspect we're being played by an imposter.

 

Let's not respond!!

[Jeff M Stevens]

Agreed! I'm done!

[andrew23]

Not an imposter!! Where do you get that from?

Happy to hear different opinions. Thank you.

Its not all as black and white as you may think and its not a science. There is not a right and wrong thing to do. its about weighing out your options and finding out whats best. This is not some chick i had a crush on. She is/was the love of my life and someone I wanted to marry, so excuse me for procrastinating, when it may look like she is taking baby steps to reconcilliation! We are not all as bitter as you am4real!

[PegNosePete]

excuse me for procrastinating, when it may look like she is taking baby steps to reconcilliation!

Dude, you don't seem to be getting it here. Take a look at this link.

 

You are the cat, and her texts are the string.

[andrew23]

Lol!

I understand your points. But let me ask you this:

Do you really think its IMPOSSIBLE to have a lasting healthy relationship if there was a break at some point? Is getting back together such a far fetched idea that theres no point in even thinking about it? I know of some examples where it worked out fine, especially if there were no huge deal breakers, and where the dumper actually did need to find themselves or whatever.

I realise all the arguments re healing, NC, etc. But one can always have hope.

Anyway, thanks for all your input for my difficult situation.

[PegNosePete]

Do you really think its IMPOSSIBLE to have a lasting healthy relationship if there was a break at some point?

Not always. It depends on the circumstances.

 

Is getting back together such a far fetched idea that theres no point in even thinking about it? I know of some examples where it worked out fine, especially if there were no huge deal breakers, and where the dumper actually did need to find themselves or whatever.

Sometimes it's possible. It depends on the circumstances.

 

The circumstances that you've described, lead us all to believe that there is no hope for you, sorry. Your ex does not want you back, but she is keeping you around as justification for her actions, to make her feel better, for an ego boost, as a backup plan, as an emotional tampon, etc etc. Yes you can go on hoping indefinitely but eventually you'll have to accept the truth.

[Porter Royal]

Bottom line is that holding out some hope for the get-back-together is normal and sometimes is the only thought that provides any mental relief from the agony of a break.

 

However,

 

No contact must be followed. It takes time for that addictive chemical to work through our systems. I can't explain it, but it's physiological.

[GreenPolicy]

Bottom line is that holding out some hope for the get-back-together is normal and sometimes is the only thought that provides any mental relief from the agony of a break.

 

However,

 

No contact must be followed. It takes time for that addictive chemical to work through our systems. I can't explain it, but it's physiological.

 

Yes, this is especially true in the beginning stages of a breakup. It's a coping mechanism to get you through the early stages. Which is why later on down the line when they don't come back and it starts to sink in that it's over, you actually start to feel worse.

 

And yes, getting over somebody is like withdrawing from a drug. There are chemicals that are produced when you are attached to somebody and it takes a while to learn to live without them. I am on Day 66 of NC. There are many aspects of my b/u and my ex that I find extremely confusing and perplexing, but the bottom line is she is gone and it is 99.9 percent likely she won't be coming back ever.

[LifeIsGreat]

Lol!

I understand your points. But let me ask you this:

Do you really think its IMPOSSIBLE to have a lasting healthy relationship if there was a break at some point? Is getting back together such a far fetched idea that theres no point in even thinking about it? I know of some examples where it worked out fine, especially if there were no huge deal breakers, and where the dumper actually did need to find themselves or whatever.

I realise all the arguments re healing, NC, etc. But one can always have hope.

Anyway, thanks for all your input for my difficult situation.

 

From experience I can tell you it IS possible to get back together. As was already said, it depends on the relationship and what broke you up (and what you guys are willing to do about it).

 

With that said..... the way you guys are handling this b/u is NOT healthy. IF you got back together through your current actions, I can pretty much guarantee you it would not last.

[Porter Royal]

the bottom line is she is gone and it is 99.9 percent likely she won't be coming back ever.

 

Even .1% worth of hope is powerful. Damn chemicals.

[GreenPolicy]

Even .1% worth of hope is powerful. Damn chemicals.

 

Yeah. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through I think.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Not an imposter!! Where do you get that from?

Happy to hear different opinions. Thank you.

Its not all as black and white as you may think and its not a science. There is not a right and wrong thing to do. its about weighing out your options and finding out whats best. This is not some chick i had a crush on. She is/was the love of my life and someone I wanted to marry, so excuse me for procrastinating, when it may look like she is taking baby steps to reconcilliation! We are not all as bitter as you am4real!

 

Sorry man....was thinking that you were some imposter myself since you have been going over the same ground...now I understand where you're coming from. My apologies.

 

Let me reiterate that you are completely wasting your time with her by going back to one of your OP's and by the way, there are situations where it "worked out" only because the dumpee was willing to swallow their pride and cut their own self-esteem down to nothing because they wanted to be with the other person so bad.

 

Well technically "we are on a break" which has lasted over 2 months (so looking more permanent). No, you were on a break from day 1, she knew exactly what she was doing Went out for over a year and a half.

Out of the blue one day, She said she wasn't sure of it anymore and needed some time for herself to figure stuff out. After a year and a half, she should be considering you heavily for marriage and not wanting to take a "break" Basically that she wasn't able to give me the love I deserved right now, and that she still loves me but is not sure if "in love". Translation: My interest level in you has dropped to the point where I never want to see you again And that was it... I told her I did not understand, and was upset she didn't feel the need to work at it. However I told her I wanted her to be happy and so I'd give her the space and time she needs to figure it. NC since then! Then email yesterday. Good move to initiate NC but you should not waver on this because if you are back with her and MARK MY WORDS ON THIS, you will be disrespected by her for life and always put in a position where you're accepting her scraps. You can fool yourself and think you're not if you get in that position but you will be. Sorry man, but this situation is absolutely black and white. She dropped you and is now nosing around for every reason BUT true interest level and feelings for you

 

Again, I'll repeat: YOU SEEM LIKE A REAL GOOD GUY. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find a woman that will be really into you as you deserve. This one is OUT.

[SeriousBob12]

Yes, this is especially true in the beginning stages of a breakup. It's a coping mechanism to get you through the early stages. Which is why later on down the line when they don't come back and it starts to sink in that it's over, you actually start to feel worse.

.

 

This is kind of where I'm at. I was doing fine until early nov. when the ex sent me a private message on facebook. I didn't respond, mainly out of anger and knowing full well I was not over her/what happened. I could also see that it was just an attempt at easing the guilt.

 

Logically I know it's over. She dumped me via email back in the summer, we haven't talked since june (our only form of communication was email, in which she left me hanging when I poured my heart out), had no respect/care for my feelings, and got into another relationship about a month after the breakup (which she didn't even have the decency to tell me when I poured my heart out, she just decided to say nothing...I felt so stupid). I went full NC after that. I spent months in complete and utter agony which I highly doubt she felt...at all.

 

Judging by her fb picture back in nov she was still with the guy. I haven't creeped her profile or anything just going by her profile pic from the msg (we're not friends), so I couldn't tell you about now. I avoid it, for my benefit as I'm still pretty hurt and angry about the breakup. I was doing actually BETTER back in Nov, but her msg really hit a chord. It was a neutral msg, more so just a check-up, congrats on taking a risk and chasing after job opportunity/dream (in which she thought I was crazy for and stated in her dump email), and a understanding if I didn't want to be friends...No hint of regret or apology, just a very neutral msg. It was all of 4 or 5 lines. I deserved much more and at least an apology...

 

I don't really find myself thinking about us, but more so how angry I am at the breakup and almost no closure. She dumped me via email and really refused to explain why. At first it was a distance thing, but I found out later that was BS. I made my attempts but she just dodged around them.

 

Logically I KNOW it's over. All the actions and circumstances prove it and thankfully I act out on this logic. Emotionally I'm still at unease. Call it pride, arrogance, denial, wishful thinking, or a combination of all. I still feel like she wouldnt' be able to get over me completely after some of our moments/chats, with how amazing of a bf I was to her, and I dunno just this instinctive feeling. It's a constant conflict of emotions feeling one way, when my brain KNOWS the other. Thankfully I don't act out on the emotions.

 

It's still at unease at times. It definitely doesn't plague me like it did back in the summer (where I was a COMPLETE WRECK), but I've NEVER been still scarred by a girl 7 months later. The anger worries me, as I question if I'll ever forgive her...I've started dreaming about her on and off, which clearly shows my subconscious is thinking about this too.

 

Anyways, threads like this are nice. it's great to read all the different views and perspectives. Unlike A LOT of threads that are similar in nature, the OP didn't seem to full of hope and denial. I can't knock him for acting the way he did, and his responses were much more than the typical stupid-denial struck male that have frequented this board before just to get their advice (usually not what they want to hear) and then to never be heard from again.

 

Further more all the different responses and views make a very engaging and interesting read. I find that threads like this do help put me at ease. As of late I've questioned if I should seek out a psychologist to vent a bit. Again I'll act out on my logic, but I shouldn't be carrying this burden of anger and unease, especially this long after the breakup.

[Am4Real]

Sorry man....was thinking that you were some imposter myself since you have been going over the same ground...now I understand where you're coming from. My apologies.

 

Let me reiterate that you are completely wasting your time with her by going back to one of your OP's and by the way, there are situations where it "worked out" only because the dumpee was willing to swallow their pride and cut their own self-esteem down to nothing because they wanted to be with the other person so bad.

 

Well technically "we are on a break" which has lasted over 2 months (so looking more permanent). No, you were on a break from day 1, she knew exactly what she was doing Went out for over a year and a half.

Out of the blue one day, She said she wasn't sure of it anymore and needed some time for herself to figure stuff out. After a year and a half, she should be considering you heavily for marriage and not wanting to take a "break" Basically that she wasn't able to give me the love I deserved right now, and that she still loves me but is not sure if "in love". Translation: My interest level in you has dropped to the point where I never want to see you again And that was it... I told her I did not understand, and was upset she didn't feel the need to work at it. However I told her I wanted her to be happy and so I'd give her the space and time she needs to figure it. NC since then! Then email yesterday. Good move to initiate NC but you should not waver on this because if you are back with her and MARK MY WORDS ON THIS, you will be disrespected by her for life and always put in a position where you're accepting her scraps. You can fool yourself and think you're not if you get in that position but you will be. Sorry man, but this situation is absolutely black and white. She dropped you and is now nosing around for every reason BUT true interest level and feelings for you

 

Again, I'll repeat: YOU SEEM LIKE A REAL GOOD GUY. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find a woman that will be really into you as you deserve. This one is OUT.

 

As I said you're being baited...you keep telling him the same things over and over and over again...are you hoping you can change his mind? Hoping some light bulb will go off in his young and inexperienced head? You can't convince him -- he'll figure it out after he's gone through the wringer a few times!

 

This OP is desperate for reconciliation – obvious to us all now – grasping for options – looking for schemes, tricks, emotions, techniques and hope…all of which are not there – he was DUMPED – and she, obvious to all, does not want him back until he is the only choice she has.

 

This thread is not worth the seven pages its accumulated! But wink me here, I'll play along!

[IfiKnewThen]

please let me know what happened. i am interested. pm me. good luck

[Jeff M Stevens]

As I said you're being baited...you keep telling him the same things over and over and over again...are you hoping you can change his mind? Hoping some light bulb will go off in his young and inexperienced head? You can't convince him -- he'll figure it out after he's gone through the wringer a few times!

 

This OP is desperate for reconciliation – obvious to us all now – grasping for options – looking for schemes, tricks, emotions, techniques and hope…all of which are not there – he was DUMPED – and she, obvious to all, does not want him back until he is the only choice she has.

 

This thread is not worth the seven pages its accumulated! But wink me here, I'll play along!

 

I don't know that he's baiting us or doing any of it on purpose. He's just a guy that's reeling right now, grasping at straws. I can only pray he listens to the experienced posters that are telling him to move on.

[SeriousBob12]

As I said you're being baited...you keep telling him the same things over and over and over again...are you hoping you can change his mind? Hoping some light bulb will go off in his young and inexperienced head? You can't convince him -- he'll figure it out after he's gone through the wringer a few times!

 

This OP is desperate for reconciliation – obvious to us all now – grasping for options – looking for schemes, tricks, emotions, techniques and hope…all of which are not there – he was DUMPED – and she, obvious to all, does not want him back until he is the only choice she has.

 

This thread is not worth the seven pages its accumulated! But wink me here, I'll play along!

 

 

Baited or not, If you don't like the material of the thread, then just don't read it.

 

Some of us have found the many responses in this thread useful.

In my limited time on this forum, I have seen MUCH worse cases of denial.

[Am4Real]

Baited or not, If you don't like the material of the thread, then just don't read it.

 

Some of us have found the many responses in this thread useful.

In my limited time on this forum, I have seen MUCH worse cases of denial.

 

Oh Bob, you're just too serious!

[timchambo]

sorry to bump this post for selfish reasons (its been a great read though), hoping Jeff M. Stevens will read. I guess I cant PM yet as I am fairly new here. Looks like you have some great no-non sense advice. I prefer to keep some details of my situation private from this board (though you can find the basics here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260600/). I am hoping you will kind enough to share an email address so I can get your input a bit more.

[IfiKnewThen]

is tim andrew? i am majorly confused

[timchambo]

is tim andrew? i am majorly confused

 

nope sorry if there was some confusion.

[andrew23]

Ok its been another 4 weeks since our new years text exchange, and she has again initiated contact with the following over skype:

 

"Hi!! How are you? Just heared from Jen that you are doing really great and that work is fantastic. So happy for you... you deserve it! I should have known, I am sorry. xx"

 

I logged off so haven't responded. What do I make of this? Is she fishing for friendship? testing the waters? Any thoughts on how to respond?