email from ex- do i respond.

[PegNosePete]

Don't respond to crumbs.

[LifeIsGreat]

Andrew-- I haven't read every msg in your thread, but enough to have an idea of what's going on.

 

I have to ask-- after the way your ex has behaved, why is it you would even consider taking her back? (and don't say 'love', because it takes more than love to keep a r/l going).

 

If you decide that you guys should not be together, then everything gets very simple. It's NC all the way, and no need to ask what to do about emails, texts, etc.

 

If you decide you want her back (and you should know the odds of her leaving you again are close to 100%), then simply keep responding to her communication.

[andrew23]

Thanks the reason I want her back is that i love her and honestly thought we were going to get married. about 3 months ago she got cold feet and said she needed some time and space etc. I gave it to her. We never had any big arguments or anything.

I know she is quite a proud person and would probably not come begging to be let back in, but rather slowly test the waters. I have the feeling she wants to start hanging out and see where things go, but am not sure.

What will be the effect of ignoring it? She will think I'm bitter or don't care.

Starting a dialogue will almost certainly lead to a meet up in the next week or two... risky business!

Its also not in my nature to ignore as I like to be the gentleman. She is not evil and I want whats best for her at the end of the day, so I feel I must at least reply with something short and sweet as i might think back and realise I didn't do everything possible to win her back, even if this means becoming friends and starting from scratch.

[PegNosePete]

Dude you're going round and round in circles. We can lead you to water but you have to drink it yourself.

[LifeIsGreat]

My recent ex is also a 'proud' person. So proud in fact that she could never take responsibility for her actions, or apologize for anything. After a couple months of NC, she sent me a stupid email saying that sometimes she missed me, but how she remembered the last disagreement we had.

 

I have no doubt she was trying to reach out to me, but I was NOT interested in her half-hearted attempt. Her pride (once again) was getting in the way.

 

Don't know about you, but I don't want to be with someone who will allow their pride to get in the way of being with a great guy like me.

 

From what you post, I think you are making a mistake by trying to get back with your ex. You will do what you want, but mark my words;

 

YOU WILL BE BACK HERE AGAIN WHEN SHE LEAVES YOU, AGAIN.

[andrew23]

Your probably right pete.. just grasping for something to hold onto and looking for validation to communicate with her. Its just that I love her so much and I cannot understand or come to grips that she left out of the blue. I have no closure which makes this so tough.

[2sunny]

Ok its been another 4 weeks since our new years text exchange, and she has again initiated contact with the following over skype:

 

"Hi!! How are you? Just heared from Jen that you are doing really great and that work is fantastic. So happy for you... you deserve it! I should have known, I am sorry. xx"

 

I logged off so haven't responded. What do I make of this? Is she fishing for friendship? testing the waters? Any thoughts on how to respond?

 

IF she wanted to be with you = she would!

 

she hasn't MADE THE EFFORT to be sure she is with you - so there is no effort or energy needed from you at this time.

 

since she hasn't - don't waste your time or energy on her. get busy living.

[andrew23]

Yes but i get a sense she is trying to reach out to me.. if i don't i will live in regret and paranoia of what might have been

[2sunny]

Yes but i get a sense she is trying to reach out to me.. if i don't i will live in regret and paranoia of what might have been

 

fear doesn't belong in loving behavior. accept it for what it is... and move forward.

[GreenPolicy]

Yes but i get a sense she is trying to reach out to me.. if i don't i will live in regret and paranoia of what might have been

 

Dude, if she wants to be with you, she will tell you. She is feeding you breadcrumbs.

[IfiKnewThen]

GO FOR IT. CALL HER. WRITE HER BACK. GIVE IT A TRY. why does everyone think someone will knock down your door.

 

its not that black and white or easy for someone to do that EVEN if they love you. so if they made a move. you make a move. or nothing happens. period.

[andrew23]

IfIknewThen.. I think I agree with you.. everyone seems to think its very easy for the dumper to come back.. sometimes they are scared and tread cautiously. Life is short so its worth trying

[IfiKnewThen]

thats what i feel. life is a dance. give and take. if it doesnt go as far and twirling around on the dance floor and finishing the dance...at least you know you took a few steps. i dont believe people just bang down the doors like in the movies. we are all not cut out of the same cloth. there may be disappointment..there may not. but like you said..always worth a chance. only give them what they give you..tho. that may make it easier. but to do nothing and expect doors to be banged down with love...is not very realistic for all.

[andrew23]

yes its not always as its portrayed in hollywood.. reality is slightly more complex

[suddendumpee]

What you don't understand is that by replying to her, you are demonstrating weakness. She will know that she has you under her control, and this is no grounds for a healthy reconciliation. Can 2nd chances happen successfully? Sure. But you will notice that the successful ones are the ones that had SIGNIFICANT amounts of time in between for the partners to change. These usually happen because of chance (fate?) much further down the road.

 

"Let's try this again" never works as the only reason for getting back together is lonliness and/or control. This is no basis for a relationship. Not to mention, your lack of trust in the relationship will inevitably show itself in subconscious ways destroying this relationship not and FOREVER.

 

If you really care for someone, let them go. Strength, change, maturity, and a little luck is needed for a successful 2nd chance. If you jump back in to this now, you will be kicking your own a$$ in the future. Now is your chance to take some power back. Tell her you are not ready now. Take some time off. Become happy as a single/emotional healthy person. In a year, reach out to her. If your time tables don't match up, or she has learned to live without you, you would have never had a successful marriage anyway.

 

Take her back now after what she has done and she will KNOW she has crazy power over your pitiful, low-self esteem, self. This equals lack of respect. Create respect by standing your ground and show her that you don't allow ANYONE to treat you that way. The relationship ended on HER terms. It should only be allowed to rekindle on YOUR terms. Balance the power. Or suffer the same pain and consequences all over again.

 

Seems so many people come here for advice. They can have 30+ people telling them to stay NC. Yet all they are waiting for is that ONE person who tells them what they want to hear, and they take that ONE person's advice. Think about this man. Don't screw your life and any REAL chance with this girl in the future up.

[IfiKnewThen]

i dont know...maybe men see communication as a sign of weakness..but i dont think a woman does.

 

i think most wouldnt.

 

and i think its best not to operate on fear like that. as long as hes not throwing himself at her and hes not really been in touch with her...to respond occassionally shouldnt be a real big deal. thats just my opinion

[IfiKnewThen]

ps..i do know what you mean by that "bread crumb trail". but sometimes you have to check out if its bread brumbs or a potential bakery. once you find out and really get a handle on it and are not second guessing..then you know what to do from there. but to always assume this is the case..can be foolish. at least he will know he did all he could

[suddendumpee]

That's assuming "doing all he could" meeans he should reply...even though time and time again we are shown that this reaction pushes them away....for good.

 

Doing everything he can to get back with her may just mean: step away, be a man, grow from the experience, and try to reconnect much further down the road.

[MissyLove]

I think you shouldn't reply because if you do and she doesnt respond with what you want then it will probably bring you back to Square One and you will have to start NC from scratch again.

 

I'm not sure how your break up happened but is your ex really worth replying to and risking your progress of NC?

 

If you can send a general reply and have no expectations at all, then do it.

[PegNosePete]

andrew23, I think you should reply because you've just been going round and round in circles smacking your head against the same old brick wall. Reply with:

 

"Look, you're feeding me breadcrumbs and sending mixed messages. I need you to be clear with me. Do you want to try again or not? If so then reply yes within 24 hours. If not then goodbye forever."

 

And stick to it.

[andrew23]

Pete thanks for your input.. although I think its a bit harsh and drastic, and i will come across as being desperate and bitter.

 

I get the feeling everyone on this sight assumes that the dumper is evil and has purposely done something to hurt the dumper, that they should be forgiven, and come back apologising for walking out of the relationship, and beg for it.

 

I just think humans are more complex and complicated than everyone on here makes them out to be. Its not that easy and perhaps different people need different approaches.

 

At the moment the reasons she wanted some time apart are not entirely clear to me, but I don't hate her for it. I want us to be together again and if this means baby steps then so be it. You cannot expect someone to come begging for reconciliation.. unlikely scenario.

 

Anyway thanks all of you for your input. I still haven't replied, I will just give it another day and reply with something cool and sweet that doesn't command a reply. I say always remain a gentleman whatever happens!

[andrew23]

What you don't understand is that by replying to her, you are demonstrating weakness. She will know that she has you under her control, and this is no grounds for a healthy reconciliation. Can 2nd chances happen successfully? Sure. But you will notice that the successful ones are the ones that had SIGNIFICANT amounts of time in between for the partners to change. These usually happen because of chance (fate?) much further down the road.

 

"Let's try this again" never works as the only reason for getting back together is lonliness and/or control. This is no basis for a relationship. Not to mention, your lack of trust in the relationship will inevitably show itself in subconscious ways destroying this relationship not and FOREVER.

 

If you really care for someone, let them go. Strength, change, maturity, and a little luck is needed for a successful 2nd chance. If you jump back in to this now, you will be kicking your own a$$ in the future. Now is your chance to take some power back. Tell her you are not ready now. Take some time off. Become happy as a single/emotional healthy person. In a year, reach out to her. If your time tables don't match up, or she has learned to live without you, you would have never had a successful marriage anyway.

 

Take her back now after what she has done and she will KNOW she has crazy power over your pitiful, low-self esteem, self. This equals lack of respect. Create respect by standing your ground and show her that you don't allow ANYONE to treat you that way. The relationship ended on HER terms. It should only be allowed to rekindle on YOUR terms. Balance the power. Or suffer the same pain and consequences all over again.

 

Seems so many people come here for advice. They can have 30+ people telling them to stay NC. Yet all they are waiting for is that ONE person who tells them what they want to hear, and they take that ONE person's advice. Think about this man. Don't screw your life and any REAL chance with this girl in the future up.

 

Good points Sudden. I wouldn't expect anything from it for now, nor would I want to launch into daily full contact. Just gentle steps for a possible future. She gives breadcrumbs, I give breadcrumbs without questions back.. like that she knows the channels of communication stay open. Maybe its risky, but hey-! Life is short, and how often do you meet someone you want to spend the rest of it with..

[PegNosePete]

Pete thanks for your input.. although I think its a bit harsh and drastic, and i will come across as being desperate and bitter.

Not harsh and drastic. Strong and assertive. Sticking up for yourself. Taking no sh#t.

Not desperate and bitter. Straight-talking and decisive. Which is what you need from her in return. No more BS.

Unless you enjoy being fed through the grinder slowly, which is what you've allowed her to do so far, and she will continue to do for evermore if you allow.

 

I get the feeling everyone on this sight assumes that the dumper is evil and has purposely done something to hurt the dumper

No we don't assume that, we read the post and take each one on a case-by-case basis...

 

I will just give it another day and reply with something cool and sweet that doesn't command a reply. I say always remain a gentleman whatever happens!

Dude... FFS. Just smack your head against a brick wall man, it will be less painful. The only person who can help you, is you. We have all told you for many pages how you can help yourself but much as we lead you to water you are refusing to drink. You seem to enjoy sticking pins in yourself, so go ahead and reply with something cool and sweet and eternal torment is exactly what you will get.

[bellabella]

Pete thanks for your input.. although I think its a bit harsh and drastic, and i will come across as being desperate and bitter.

 

I get the feeling everyone on this sight assumes that the dumper is evil and has purposely done something to hurt the dumper, that they should be forgiven, and come back apologising for walking out of the relationship, and beg for it.

 

I just think humans are more complex and complicated than everyone on here makes them out to be. Its not that easy and perhaps different people need different approaches.

 

At the moment the reasons she wanted some time apart are not entirely clear to me, but I don't hate her for it. I want us to be together again and if this means baby steps then so be it. You cannot expect someone to come begging for reconciliation.. unlikely scenario.

 

Anyway thanks all of you for your input. I still haven't replied, I will just give it another day and reply with something cool and sweet that doesn't command a reply. I say always remain a gentleman whatever happens!

 

Andrew - you seem to have the right idea and whatever transpires, you will be able to look back with your head held high, and she will respect you for that. Your own posts are among the most rational on this thread!

[GreenPolicy]

Not harsh and drastic. Strong and assertive. Sticking up for yourself. Taking no sh#t.

Not desperate and bitter. Straight-talking and decisive. Which is what you need from her in return. No more BS.

Unless you enjoy being fed through the grinder slowly, which is what you've allowed her to do so far, and she will continue to do for evermore if you allow.

 

 

No we don't assume that, we read the post and take each one on a case-by-case basis...

 

 

Dude... FFS. Just smack your head against a brick wall man, it will be less painful. The only person who can help you, is you. We have all told you for many pages how you can help yourself but much as we lead you to water you are refusing to drink. You seem to enjoy sticking pins in yourself, so go ahead and reply with something cool and sweet and eternal torment is exactly what you will get.

 

I agree with those who say she might not come right out and say "I want to get back together" straight out of the gate, but she would at least be a little more direct like "I'd really like to see you and talk to you. Can you meet me at such and such place at such and such time?"