Totally confused about relationships.

[ConfusedBetween2]

I'm going to try to make this as short as I can. My husband (41) of 6 years and I (29) have been separated for 5 months now. Our problems started about 3 years ago but then he didn't want to try couseling so I moved out. I love him very much but I'm not in love with him anymore. He's not aggresive or abusive, and he doesn't have any vices. He's a good provider but never communicates his feelings or pays attention to my needs and that hurts me.

 

Iit's been over 5 months that we have been separated. It started out as a trial separation. But then I realized I didn't want to go back. Recently I spoke with my husband about divorce. Now he's asking me to try counseling before we move on to divorce. He doesn't want us to throw away all these years together. At this point I'm not even sure if counseling can help. There is no passion left between us.

 

The worst thing is, that before I moved out of my house, I met this nice guy (32). He became a good friend from the beginning. He had gone thru a similar situation with his wife years before he met me. A while after I moved out our friendship turned into intimate. I felt good next to him. We had good communication, more that I ever did with my husband. We got along well with an occasional misunderstanding here and there. We hung out and spent time together. I knew he wasn't with me just for sex. He was really interested in me and always wanted to help if I needed something.

 

A week ago I told this guy about my feelings for him. I wasn't asking him for a serious relationship but I wanted to go steady. I didn't just want to be friends with benefits anymore. He brought up the fact that I haven't gotten a divorce yet. He told me I hurt him because I was getting him out of my life just like that. He had been my friend w/o any conditions or attachments. He said that if I decided I couldn't just be his friend, even with no sex involved, that he was gone. Well he left.

 

The day after, I tried to apologize to him. I know I said things that hurt him but I wasn't thinking right. He hasn't spoken to me since that day. Although it's only been a week I miss him very much. Some of my friends tell me that he is not worth of me. If he really cared about me he would have understood and tried to be with me. I tried to talk to him again and he didn't respond.

 

Now I am all confused because I'm in love with this guy that doesn't talk to me and my husband is asking me to try cousenling before divorce. What am I supposed to do? I don't think that going back to my husband is the solution to my depression. Specially after me being with another man.

 

Deep inside I have the feeling that the other guy will talk to me again but I don't want to hold my breath on that. This guy had made mistakes before I did and I didn't hold his mistakes against him. Now that it's me, the one who made the mistake, he won't forgive me. And meanwhile, my husband keeps asking me to reconcile.

 

I need help!

[Miss_Prolixity]

Hi Confused,

 

I am sorry that you are hurting. This would be a difficult situation to go through.

 

The situation with your husband can be reconciled, but it would take both parties to achieve it. You sound very hesitant to go back to your husband and it doesn't sound like your heart would be into it. Therefore, your needs and his needs wouldn't be met. He needs someone who can love him the way he needs to be loved and the same applies to you.

 

 

As for the new guy, I don't know him personally but given the information you provided he seems to take advantage of the situation easily. I assume he knew you were seperated and not divorced at the time you met. What a better way to become involved with a woman and have no "strings" attached. Or as you stated, "friends with benefits."

 

 

Now that you mentioned to him that you want a relationship, take a close look at his actions. Someone who cares and loves someone, doesn't walk away. He is speaking more to you right now with his actions than any vebalized word.

 

If your heart isn't willing to give 100 percent and work on your marriage, I wouldn't go back just because the new guy left. Right now I think you should work on you and learn how to have happiness on your own.

[SoleMate]

Miss P said it very well. I'll agree with everything she said. Don't be torn between two lovers, neither of who is really helping you be a strong healthy person. Be your own woman.

 

Some of my friends tell me that he is not worth of me. If he really cared about me he would have understood and tried to be with me.

It's a pattern here at LS that friends of the posters have already given the same good advice that we end up echoing. Your friends, who know you and your situation the best, and also care about you, should be listened to with close attention. It's quite likely their advice is right on target.

[ConfusedBetween2]

I know deep inside that my husband and I won't be getting back together. And I too think that he deserves someone that will make him happy. I always told him that if he ever felt unhappy and wanted to move on, that I would accept it. I didn't think that it would be fair to keep him with me if he wasn't happy. And the same thing for me. And as you can see, I wasn't happy and I moved out.

 

As with the other guy, I don't know exactly what's his deal. I can still see him online. He hasn't blocked me from seeing him connected to the messenger. I think that if he really didn't want to do anything with me, he would have already deleted me and blocked me by now. Perhaps he's waiting for my feelings to die off? I have no idea.