My Relationship of Eight Years is About to End, Should I Try to Save It?

[RaygunJones]

Hello all,

 

I feel sort of weird doing this; I actually joined the site just to post this. I'm so confused and hurt at the moment I don't know what to do about it, and I have no one I can truly talk to.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for the past eight years. We met in my final year of high school and started dating during my first year of university. Neither of us had ever been sexually involved with anyone else when we started dating. Sometimes this bothered one or both of us, but we always talked honestly about it and always came to the conclusion that it didn't matter that we hadn't experienced variety in that respect, because we loved each other too much to jeopardize our relationship.

 

And I realize that a relationship that started so young must seem suspect. But we've communicated closely over the years about it, and both of us claimed to be happy. We've both grown as people and individuals, and we've both always maintained interests and activities that don't involve each other.

 

Anyways, this is all just background. I loved this woman more than I can imagine loving anyone. Her personality was such a perfect complement to mine. We weren't exactly alike, but we had enough in common to stay interested in each other, and we were different enough that our personalities never seemed to suffocate one another. I truly believed I could be happy with her for the rest of my life.

 

And I trusted her. I've always had trust issues since my parents divorced when I was eight. The first couple of years we were dating I was always tremendously insecure. It took me years to get over these insecurities, but eventually I was willing to be trust her 100%.

 

I abruptly discovered yesterday that she has been cheating on me for two and a half years with her former landlord (and occasionally with his fiancee), both of whom are very close friends of hers. She has begged me to try to work this out and to forgive her. I really don't know what to do.

 

I want more than anything to try to work this out, because as much as I want to hate her, I can't. But I also know that if I do take her back, our relationship can never be the same. I know that no matter hoe hard I try, I'll never be able to look at her exactly the same way again.

 

The length of time is what has really been bothering most of all. She told me that she just kind of fell into this, and she did it because she wanted to experience something different, something new, and something transgressive. Given our history, I understand the rationale, but I still don't think I can forget about two and half years of cheating. Once or twice, that's a mistake. But I feel like this... This was a CHOICE that she made, and made repeatedly. I don't know if I can accept that she feels real remorse, because it went on for so long, and because it continued right up until I discovered it yesterday.

 

I don't know what to do. This is the only woman I've been with in eight years. Until yesterday I was 100% certain that I wanted to spend my life with her. And I still want that. But I want the woman I thought she was two days ago. I just need to hear some others' opinions on the matter. I don't know if it's worth it to try to work it out. I don't know if I can ever really be happy again knowing that she did this to me for so long.

Edited December 22, 2010 by RaygunJones

[Lovinhimlovinher]

First I want to say I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am a firm believer in trust and honesty. When you are lucky enough to find someone that you can trust like that and they break that trust it is hard to forgive them. Remember when all is said and done this is a decision you alone have to make.

 

My opinion is that if you were married you should 100% try to work it out. Since you are not married yet then maybe this is a sign. As hard as it will be, you should try moving on with your life before you send more time with someone who can't be trusted. At the same time if this is something that has been bothering her (not getting the experiance) then maybe you should either not be with her or have agreed to allow each other certain liberties. However, something like that wouldn't work now that the foundation of your relationship has a HUGE crack down the middle of it.

 

I am personally in an open marriage and would not tolerate cheating simply because there is no reason to. If he wants to go do something and we agree on the person then he goes. If we do not agree on the person then he doesn't. If I were to find out that he did it anyway I would be p*ssed and heart broken. If I found out he had been doing it for years I would have a hard time forgiving him EVER. Since we are married I believe in honoring my voes and my personal voes state till death do us part.

 

So I guess it all comes down to how much work and trust you are willing to put back into this relationship.

[RaygunJones]

Thank you. I'm glad to have someone else's take on this.

 

I honestly feel like the fact that we're not married is a technicality. We may as well be. I think the only reason we haven't gotten married thus far is that we're both graduate students and don't have any real financial stability. Maybe in hindsight, there were other reasons for her, but at the time I had no idea.

 

It's just so hard to imagine life without her. As hurt as I feel, I still feel like no one will really make me happy in comparison to her. And it kills me to think about the things she has done to me. I believe her when she says she wants to work this out and be better for me. But I just don't know if it's enough. I don't know if she deserves another chance or not. I put my entire being in her hands for eight years, and after this, I don't know if I can do it again, no matter how much I'm still madly in love with her.

[Woggle]

You are better off without her. Just let her go.

[gisellefromhell]

The sad truth is that love doesn't really conquer all when it comes to cheating. You might still be in love with her right now, and you would still want to take her back and work on it. But how can you be in a relationship that is a shadow of what it used to be? How do you know that this will not happen again in the future? How could she do that to you, risking your relationship just because she wanted to explore? How will you get over it? Are you prepared to look back in the past 2 years and realize that some of the good memories are actually tied into her lies and infidelity? You might love her right now, but this has the potential to turn it quickly into hate. Are you prepared to hurt her because you feel too hurt about the cheating sometimes?

 

I know you know what the sensible thing to do is. But you will only do it when you're ready to. So good luck to you, and I hope you think about all this.

[carhill]

I abruptly discovered yesterday that she has been cheating on me for two and a half years with her former landlord (and occasionally with his fiancee), both of whom are very close friends of hers.

 

 

She's bi-sexual and unfaithful long-term. It's been a good eight years. You have many decades left to love. I'd call this one done.

[Distant78]

She cheated on you for almost 3 years dude. Your relationship hasn't actually been a true one for almost 3 years. That's a long azz time man. Since you're not even married to the hoe, just leave her. I know it's not the easy but you have to do it because she's disrespected you to an almost unspeakable level, and killed a lot of trust. She's been trashing the relationship for a long time. There's no way you'd be ever able to recover with her around. Tell her to keep screwing those two without you being a backup she can run to.

[Eeyore79]

Your self esteem must be really low if you're considering taking back someone who cheated on you for TWO AND A HALF YEARS! For a third of your relationship she's been lying to you, and since she's proven herself to be a liar you have no idea what else she might have done that she hasn't confessed to. Don't you think you deserve better?

 

This woman obviously has no morals, no decency, and isn't capable of being truthful and faithful. Your best course of action is to dump her, and get tested to make sure she hasn't given you any nasty diseases.

 

I am however curious about exactly what happened. It sounds like she didn't confess - you caught her out. If that's the case, if you hadn't caught her she would probably have continued lying and cheating, and would never have had the decency to confess. She's not sorry she cheated, she's only sorry that you caught her.

[carhill]

It goes without saying that a complete STD panel is in order if not already done. Hope you didn't get anything.

[fooled once]

Hello all,

 

I feel sort of weird doing this; I actually joined the site just to post this. I'm so confused and hurt at the moment I don't know what to do about it, and I have no one I can truly talk to.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for the past eight years. We met in my final year of high school and started dating during my first year of university. Neither of us had ever been sexually involved with anyone else when we started dating. Sometimes this bothered one or both of us, but we always talked honestly about it and always came to the conclusion that it didn't matter that we hadn't experienced variety in that respect, because we loved each other too much to jeopardize our relationship.

 

And I realize that a relationship that started so young must seem suspect. But we've communicated closely over the years about it, and both of us claimed to be happy. We've both grown as people and individuals, and we've both always maintained interests and activities that don't involve each other.

 

Anyways, this is all just background. I loved this woman more than I can imagine loving anyone. Her personality was such a perfect complement to mine. We weren't exactly alike, but we had enough in common to stay interested in each other, and we were different enough that our personalities never seemed to suffocate one another. I truly believed I could be happy with her for the rest of my life.

 

And I trusted her. I've always had trust issues since my parents divorced when I was eight. The first couple of years we were dating I was always tremendously insecure. It took me years to get over these insecurities, but eventually I was willing to be trust her 100%.

 

I abruptly discovered yesterday that she has been cheating on me for two and a half years with her former landlord (and occasionally with his fiancee), both of whom are very close friends of hers. She has begged me to try to work this out and to forgive her. I really don't know what to do.

 

I want more than anything to try to work this out, because as much as I want to hate her, I can't. But I also know that if I do take her back, our relationship can never be the same. I know that no matter hoe hard I try, I'll never be able to look at her exactly the same way again.

 

The length of time is what has really been bothering most of all. She told me that she just kind of fell into this, and she did it because she wanted to experience something different, something new, and something transgressive. Given our history, I understand the rationale, but I still don't think I can forget about two and half years of cheating. Once or twice, that's a mistake. But I feel like this... This was a CHOICE that she made, and made repeatedly. I don't know if I can accept that she feels real remorse, because it went on for so long, and because it continued right up until I discovered it yesterday.

 

I don't know what to do. This is the only woman I've been with in eight years. Until yesterday I was 100% certain that I wanted to spend my life with her. And I still want that. But I want the woman I thought she was two days ago. I just need to hear some others' opinions on the matter. I don't know if it's worth it to try to work it out. I don't know if I can ever really be happy again knowing that she did this to me for so long.

 

Only you can decide if your relationship is salvageable. Only you can decide if you can ever trust her again. Only you can decide if you can work through this.

 

This was a CHOICE she made. No one made her cheat. No one made her life. No one made her be unfaithful. Those are her choices. Can you trust her to not make these same choices in a year, 2 years or 10 years? That is your decision. YOUR CHOICE.

 

Some can rebuild after infidelity. Some can't. I don't see you say anything about her remorse or her 'excuses'. Did she have any? Did she say she couldn't help herself (that is something I see a lot of written by OW - they had no control, they couldn't help themselves). Which I find to be baloney.

 

First I want to say I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am a firm believer in trust and honesty. When you are lucky enough to find someone that you can trust like that and they break that trust it is hard to forgive them. Remember when all is said and done this is a decision you alone have to make.

 

My opinion is that if you were married you should 100% try to work it out. Since you are not married yet then maybe this is a sign. As hard as it will be, you should try moving on with your life before you send more time with someone who can't be trusted. At the same time if this is something that has been bothering her (not getting the experiance) then maybe you should either not be with her or have agreed to allow each other certain liberties. However, something like that wouldn't work now that the foundation of your relationship has a HUGE crack down the middle of it.

 

I am personally in an open marriage and would not tolerate cheating simply because there is no reason to. If he wants to go do something and we agree on the person then he goes. If we do not agree on the person then he doesn't. If I were to find out that he did it anyway I would be p*ssed and heart broken. If I found out he had been doing it for years I would have a hard time forgiving him EVER. Since we are married I believe in honoring my voes and my personal voes state till death do us part.

 

So I guess it all comes down to how much work and trust you are willing to put back into this relationship.

 

Good post!

 

It goes without saying that a complete STD panel is in order if not already done. Hope you didn't get anything.

 

Excellent suggestion.

[NoLongerSad]

She hasn't told you all of the lies yet.

[zengirl]

If she'd cheated ONCE or something, it's still terrible, but perhaps salvageable. This is a pattern. I know it's hard to leave the person you've been with so long, but it's been a long, long time that she's been making this choice. You don't have kids. You aren't married. How could you really trust her again? And what right did she have to cheat you this way?

 

With just the information given, I know that I'd advise a friend to leave if they asked me. It won't ever heal, a wound that big.

[Stung]

While I despise infidelity, I don't hold it to be an automatic dealbreaker. I know the human psyche has gray areas, I believe in the hard work of a marriage, and that relationships can be broken and repaired. That's if there's a mistake made, a one-time heat-of-the-moment thing, and if the guilty party admits to their transgression and makes sincere repairs.

 

You're talking about years of deliberate deceit and betrayal. She had to commit to those lies over, and over, and over again, while she committed fresh 'mistakes'. She looked you in the eye and misled you for two and a half years. Perhaps she even brought these friends of hers around so they could look you in your eyes and lie to you, too.

 

I don't know, I'm pretty sure I couldn't forgive that.

 

She knew you had trust issues, and she just kept on going for two and a half YEARS. How did she live with herself?

 

I have some sympathy for the conundrum faced by people who end up with their first love, who never sowed their wild oats, the temptation of experience, I do. But she chose the least honorable possible way to deal with her curiosity and frustration, her growing pains. Who's to say she would deal with some other adversity better five, ten, fifteen years down the road?

 

I think at the very least, you should separate, take some time for yourself to think and mourn the loss of who you thought she was.

 

I am sorry. Please know that this evidence to the contrary not everyone cheats, not everyone lies.