why am i stuck on stupid?

[jen]

i have posted here before about some problems i have with my jealousy, control, insecurity, etc. i have been in counseling for these problems as well and it helped some. i read alot of books on codependency, boundaries. i have alot of knowledge about my problems, what to do, how to control them and analyze them, etc. i know how to change my stupid thinking and say what i want not what i don't want which is usually something to control others. i know this and i know that to fix myself. o.k. so what is the problem? the problem is I DON'T DO IT! plain and simple. i can't seem to make myself make the moves necessary to change things in my life that would change my relationship and my life for the better. why? i can't even answer my own question. i am really frustrated with myself tho. i can't bring myself to apologize, admit i was wrong, keep my mouth shut, stop and think then say something else, on and on and on and on. i am so tired of listening to myself in my head and rehearsing all this that i want to say when i know i have screwed up and or hurt someone. then when the time comes to make amends, i cant do it. i want to so bad but what is it that makes it so hard? i have been sucsessful at times, but rarely. this is hard to post here, i can blame so much on my b'f and say he is this and he is that, when in fact i think i bring a majority of our problems to our relationship, all though he has too. not the problem tho. when i know if i say something that will cause a problem for us and i know it will or it will hurt him or me, and i know this and i do it anyway, i cant change it only in my mind. i apologize in my mind, but can't get the words out. it's not just apologizing tho, it's anything and everything, the list is way to long. why am i so stuck? i hate this feeling, i so much want to change but seem stuck. help, please.

[Tony T]

You issues are pretty engrained. It sometimes takes years to undo the damage from receiving poor parenting, receiving abuse in childhood, coming from a highly dysfunctional family, etc.

 

Have patience with yourself. It actually sounds like you're making a lot of progress. You know what you have to do. What you have asked here should have been directed to your counsellor, who can give you encouragement to hang in there.

 

I think you are progressing very well. I know it's frustrating but be proud of yourself for having the insight to know there were problems you needed to work through and the courage to do that work.

 

Hang in there. The best of you is yet to come!!! You are not stuck on stupid....you are moving forward at just the right speed.