Is it worth trying to save?

[4lifeandlove]

I am getting married in June and am increasingly having doubts about whether I should be.

 

My partner and I have been together for nearly three years and he proposed this June in a big romantic, elaborate way. It blew me away and because we'd been having such a great time on hol and I felt like i was falling in love with him again, I said yes.

 

We're back to the way things were before we went on holiday though and I know this is real life - I'm not sure I want it. He loves me I know, but works so hard that I hardly see him, never wants to really do anything together except sit on the sofa and watch telly - or paw me.

 

He comes at me and grabs my breasts making "haw-hee" noises, even though I tell him I don't like it he still does it. He'll poke in between my legs too, always after sex but I'm really not turned on by the way he makes moves. He'll get all hurt and annoyed when I say I'm not in the mood so sometimes I just do it to stop him going on about it, and I spend the time mostly just waiting for it to be over. I have tried talking to him about this and saying that I would like him to be more gentle and respectful towards me but it hasn't really changed anything.

 

He's also been living in my flat for the past two years, only contributing sometimes - he paid for our holiday this year though. He's got his own flat but still hasn't rented out his own room, and now one of the other tenants in that flat has moved out he hasn't bothered to advertise to get someone else in - I'm not sure how but he keeps saying he's not paying towards our bills in my flat because he's saving for "our house" but I can't see how he's saving money when he's paying the bills on his own house.

 

Our house is another thing, he's seen one he wants us to buy but it is right beside one of the busiest motorways near us, and very noisy. Tranquility is something that is quite important to me and I've told him but he just says that you can't hear the noise inside the house - it doesn't matter about the garden. I love where we are living now and really want to move somewhere that I feel the same way about. He just tells me that I'm not thinking of the big picture, this house will make us money so that we can move into our dream house after it.

 

I've been moved to write today because we had friends over last night, and the male in that relationship made me feel more understood and respected than I think my fiance ever has. I am attracted to this man, but think it is just because I'm feeling so ignored in my own relationship.

 

I ahve no idea how to fix things or change the way we're communicating so that he will listen. Am I just commitment phobic and looking for reasons to get out? I would welcome any advice going!

[elemental1]

i am 29 and my girlfriend of nearly 8 years is 26. your post kind of struck a chord with me in that i am having doubts about our longevity as well...more on that in a sec.

men sometimes view sex as just sex...i am speaking from my own feelings on the subject...it is sometimes just a way for us to get off - in that respect, we sometimes view woman as a means to that...neverminding the fact that you are a thinking, feeling human being that doesnt want to be viewed as just a piece of meat. i understand that he works a lot and that at the end of the day he doesnt want to go through the trouble of lighting candles and/or putting on romantic music or taking his time with you - he just wants to go right for the kill so to speak. you need to let him know that his groping doesnt work for you - that it does the opposite of what he wants it to do. also, let him know what DOES work for you...if he doesnt already know. be specific too...men like that...i know i do when my GF is.

 

it sounds to me like you have very valid concerns and doubts and unfortunately, it will only get worse unless you take action. you might have to be harsh because it sounds like he isnt really that in tuned to your needs/feelings and sometimes you have to go right for the heart.

 

it is funny you mentioned the thing about being attracted to your friend because he is more understanding etc...ill get to that in a minute.. my relationship is complicated. we have issues that have been suppressed for years all for the sake of temporary peace and they are now coming to the surface. I am a good father to our son and a good parnter/boyfriend to her - i am attractive and talented and have no problems in the bedroom - i make decent money...etc. - everyone around us sees that...her friends, my friends, our families...everyone. she takes me for granted in a lot of ways. she doesnt really appreciate the things that i do to make sure we all have a roof over our head, have food on the table, etc. she always wants more...never satisfied. within the past year she has been expressing her desire for an open relationship...basically she wants to keep me, but also be able to go meet other guys...or just another guy and have guilt-free sex (if it comes to that). she is also very controlling and it seems that she feels it is the man's job to basically 'serve' the woman. she hasnt said that in the same words, but her actions speak louder. her friends see all of this and have expressed to me that she (my GF) doesnt know what she has - doesnt appreciate what she has.

 

our best friends are a couple that we see every week. the woman in their relationship is very attractive and she treats her man very well. we talk about things and she seems to understand me better than my own GF. i have had somewhat of a crush on this girl for a while - but honestly i think it is because i have had a glimpse of what my relationship could be like...should be like. i envy him because his GF is so understanding and so giving and yet still maintains her own self-respect when the time calls for it. i see their happiness and it has a lot to do with her efforts and i cant help but desire that. however, i think it is more about what's missing in my relationship than about me having feelings for this girl. is this making sense as it relates to your situation?

[goingstrong]

4LL,

More info about your relationship needs to be disclosed, but most of the problems you describe sound like minor relationship speed bumps that you can get over. Nothing you have described sounds like a major character flaw such as lying and deception, or extreme laziness. The groping and poking issues should be the easiest to fix since it is your body, and his violating it is extremely offensive and wrong under any conditions, and if you lay down the law he should get the point. The other stuff is a little more tricky and sounds like a control issue combined with a difference of opinion. I am sure one of the OPs here will give you some reference to a marriage building website, hedonist psychologists, or something else along those lines. I am not a psychologist, but here are a couple things to consider based on what I have learned over the years.

 

1. Stay away from the other guy. He is picking up on your unhappiness and vulnerability and telling you want you to hear to get one thing from you. Let me repeat that. He is playing an understanding, listen to you, soul mate, perfect match type of guy to get you in bed. Period. He may sound like the perfect match and would never ever dare to dishonor you or him, but that is how that game is played. You are laying out for him everything that you want a man to be. You are giving him a map to your heart in a connect the dots type of way, without investing anything into the relationship with you. When I was single, and a woman involved with someone else would talk to me about her relationship problems, game on! Married, dating, living together, it did not matter...they were easiest.

 

2. Don't try to change mate. (except with the groping issue, that is a physical issue.)You won't be able to. Change your own behavior in the way you deal with him, that will make him change the way he deals with you. For example, if you are normally too intimidated to sit down and talk to him, do exactly just that. If you used to yell and fly off the handle, then do the exact opposite and be calm.

 

3. Figure your role in the marriage. Are you the one in control of the relationship, the one holding 51% or more? If your both alphas, the 51% kink has to be ironed out from the beginning, otherwise you will be fighting with him your entire marriage.

 

4. Before you sit down and talk to him, think about what your objective is in that particular conversation and keep the conversation on track towards that objective. This always helped in dealing with the minor problems with my wife and I so we wouldn't aimlessly discuss things without a resolution.

Edited December 23, 2010 by goingstrong

[gisellefromhell]

First of all, you need to establish a solid plan for your finances. Are you going to share your money? Or are you going to have separate money? If it is separate, he needs to pitch in for staying with you in your home. MONTHLY. That is no question. Help him get a new tenant for his house. That is income right there. Also, buying a house is a big deal, and you should really keep looking for something that's right for the both of you.

 

Secondly, I have a boyfriend who does have the tendency to do silly, physical things to me that really don't get me in the mood. I do tell him seriously that I don't like it, and it turns me off. He sometimes still does it, but I think it's because he doesn't know how else to show his affection. This is something that seems easy to work through, but for now I think the best thing to do is to always remind him that you don't like what he's doing. Be constant. You know, like dealing with a child.

[NoLongerSad]

You should not get married in June because you are not ready for marriage to this man.

 

Actually it sounds like the relationship is pretty much finished. Your eye is already wandering.

 

I'm sure his sexual moves are just as clumsy as they've always been for the past three years.

 

It sounds like the marriage proposal was the actual objective of this relationship, not marriage, itself. You finally got the proposal you wanted and the rest is anti-climatic.

 

As far as the house? He's not listening to your preferences. This is a pretty fundamental difference of opinion.

 

There are other issues here but the bottom line is you just don't want to marry this guy, and you know it. So stop picking at his flaws to find all kinds of reasons to make it "his fault" when the inevitable break up occurs.

 

DEFINITELY do not cheat on him as a way of exiting the relationship. You need to make a clean honest break up.

[goingstrong]

You should not get married in June because you are not ready for marriage to this man.

 

Actually it sounds like the relationship is pretty much finished. Your eye is already wandering.

 

NLS, I have not read your situation yet, but you sound a little biased. You cannot possibly have enough information about their relationship to make that assumption.

 

Also,

I'm sure his sexual moves are just as clumsy as they've always been for the past three years.

 

What kinda goofy statement is that? She said nothing about her sex life. it sounds as if this one hits close to home with you.

 

4LL, not all advice on this forum is good advice.

Edited December 23, 2010 by goingstrong