6 year B/F was CHEATING for past 3 months! (giving 2nd chance)

[bittersweet]

My boyfriend and I are in our mid twenties. We have been dating now for almost 6 years. We have been having problems the past year because things weren't going anywhere for a while.

Last weekend was his Birthday and I showed up at his house a little early. Something didn't seem right. Out of nowhere, a girl stormed in his house teliing me, "I just want you to know your boyfriend was seeing me for the past 3 months." I felt like I was going to die.

He kept telling her to leave but I wanted her there because I knew she would spill the beans and tell me everything I needed to know. Apparently, she was a stripper he actually went home with in November after he and I were having a bad week. I know exactly when it happened. When I asked him, "WHY?," he said because he had no self confidence with me and he could actually HELP someone like her. She said some things about her life and she is the total opposite of myself. I go to college, drive a car, have a place to stay and a great family- she had less that that (which is sort of like my boyfriend) He and I went through some really tough times. It ends up my parents don't like us being together but there are things he can do to fix it. He is intimidated by me because he never went to college and I have been for 7 years. Also, he was afraid to fix things with my parents because of all the damage. He said he didn't know how to be there for me at the time and ran away and made a huge mistake.

Things were horrible the last few months- I knew something was up- but I still saw him 4-5 times a week. The scary thing is that this girl was staying at his house for a lot of the time. I can't believe I never caught him. She was told we weren't still together but she also admitted that I was all thay argued about. Basically, after the fun was over and he wanted out, she came back and told him she was pregnant, and he found out she was lying about being on birth control. She became compulsive with him and he kept his cool until she realized they should not have a child together.

I asked them, "what if I didn't come over early and catch you tonight?" She said "it was over anyway but I thought you should know he's been cheating." Before she left with her ride, he broke down and cried about how he didn't mean for this to happen but it was the best Birthday he ever had. He knew he messed up something really special and said, " It took all this for me to realize what I really wanted." I thought he was talking about her and she explained, " no, he wants you." Before she left, I asked her all kinds of personal questions and I felt sick to my stomach because they were doing things that took years for him and I to experience together. He kept putting her down and saying, "you were in position to start a relationship" and, "you knew I was playing you the whole time." She seemed like I did when I was a teenager, very naive, compulsive, and immature. I did feel bad but then realized she had every reason to believe he had a girlfriend. She trashed his room one day and found all my letters, pictures, and a memory box he was keeping. She even would see all the time sI was calling the nights he was ignoring my calls. It almost seems like he wasn't trying to hide me too much but didn;t want her to somehow tell me.

He said he never wanted me to find out. She was only in the picture so long because she was threatening to have the baby and he didn't think she was being realistic. A few days before, she decided to have the abortion and she stayed at his house for a few days because she lived far away. During that time, he and I were fighting over something he created to keep me way but he said, "things are really tough right now and I just need some time to work them out."

Later that night, her ride came and she left. He and I talked for a while and believe it or not, I was very understanding. I was involved in a secret relationship with another guy for even longer- just a year ago. This made me realize why I did what I did. I wanted to give him another chance because we have been togetehr for all these years and I knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We use to be inseperable and confident and I wanted him to have one last chance to give me that feeling back. I knew the TRUTH was what was being said around the girl he was cheating on me with. He told her he was sorry and very wrong but she had no idea what she got involved in. He told her he was planning on marrying me and when he became confused, he used her. Their little relationship didn't seem like anything more than SEx and ARGUING ABOUT ME.

I took the road less traveled and gave him this second chance but it is the hardest thing I ever had to face. I consatntly analse everything that was going wrong and realize now it was because he was cheating. I'm constantly thinking about what they would do with eachother and wonder if he ever felt bad. I can't stop thinking about what will happen next. I want to trust him and he wants me to do anything I need to do in order to trust him again. He answers my calls now; in the past he was turning his phone off early and I've been showing up at his house without calling. I know I won't be that way forever but how else should I react! The night this happened, he was very open about everything and very sincere and understanding. He felt my pain and for the first time in a while wanted to hold me. It is a shame that it took all this for him to feel that way. A week has gone by and I cry alot still but he is getting defensive now when I want to bring it up. He thinks we need to "fake it 'til we make it." I'm afraid because I don't know what's been REALLY going on between him and that other girl. She was calling him for a while, crying and begging for him to take her back. He was letting me listen to the messages but now he's taking the phone everywhere with him. I get afraid he's hiding something and he said she hasn't called. The last few times she left messages saying she wishes us luck. I know this girl is the type of person who doesn't give up- just like she was when she was messing with him. I know she'll throw everything she can in his face to try to take him from me. He gets so mad when I bring her up and keeps telling me all I can really do is take his word and believe him.

How do I react after giving him this second chance. Am I entitled to ask as much as I want and how much is too much? How do I find out the truth about where they stand and what can I do to make sure he doesn't rebound back to her? We argue alot and this was the whole reason why he did this in the first place. I'm ashamed to admit that the only reason I didn't break up with him is because I was afraid he would stay with her- even though he says he wants nothing at all to do with her ever agin. When something like this happens, the betrayed is supposed to break up with the CHEATER so they can SUFFER and proove if they really want to work on things. I skipped that step and now I'm afraid that by staying, I gave him the illusion that I wasn't that hurt. After almost 6 years, we have never broken up. All I want is for us to work on the things that led to this so we can move to the next step in this relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and he always tells me that too but we have issues that were ignored which caused him cheat in the first place. Does anyone have any advice or has anyone been in this situation? I would appreciate ANY insight.

[Helpme2004]

All I can say is ,Is this guy really worth all this heartache?If the answer is yes well then stick by him if the love is that strong.But if its not worth saving bail out now. Good Luck in whatever you do.

[morrigan]

Your boyfriend and you are like two trains barreling towards eachother on the same track.

 

You both have cheated on eachother, and even if there weren't those problems, you two are continuously arguing. There is such a lack of trust and respect, and so much insecurity going on that I wonder how either of you has the stamina for this after 6 years.

 

You said the only reason you didn't break up with him is that you were afraid he would stay with the OW. That's not trying to save a good relationship, that's trying to smite someone else. You're expecting somebody to suffer for what's happened--if you stay with him, that will probably end up being you.

 

You both want a second chance? First off, the OW and your OM shouldn't be the focus. Can you get past how your boyfriend viciously blamed the OW for everything? He can't even take full accountability for why he decided to cheat. He uses her supposed manipulations/possible pregnancy as why he continued the affair. He's not making an honest attempt to resolve differences with your family. He's intimidated, not proud of your accomplishments.

 

You may be angry I am not supporting your decisions, but I just can't see this as a healthy, stable relationship. But it's your choice to stay with this man, or get out of this wreck.

[bittersweet]

I respect everything you were honset about. Besides this whole incident, we do have problems that need to be fixed- he tells me this situation makes him realize what was wrong. I won't stay if things don't change with how we argue and ignore our problems. He DOES take resposibility for what he did but not for the way I was with him before all this happened. This was a wake-up call, atleast that's what he says and I'm just confused on what to expect if he really means that. Should he be more sensitive and let his guard down or is it normal for him to be uncomfortable with my questions and worries? Thank you both for sharing how you feel- this is the first time I'm really telling anyone what has been happening in my life and support, good or bad, is the most powerful tool I can use right now!