Why are betrayed partners always expected to take the high road?

[Woggle]

I was looking at the comments in a link that was posted in that thread about a cheater being dumped on air and it made me think. Why is it that a cheater is allowed excuse after excuse but the person who is actually the victim in cases like this is expected to remain saintly? This guy wasted five years of his life on this woman who walked all over him and betrayed him in one of the worst ways but he is wrong for getting a little revenge?

 

I notice that with cheaters you always hear things like this.

 

They are only human

It just happened

I have needs

 

They are allowed so much leeway but if a betrayed partner loses their cool or gets some justice they are wrong. Does anybody else see this?

[zengirl]

Well, you have a point, Woggle.

 

I have no excuses for a cheater, personally. If someone wants to work on a relationship to get over infidelity -- if it's a one time thing, there are extenuating circumstances, they're married with kids -- I get why they might sometimes, depending on the situation. I'm not sure I could. I think it'd be an automatic dealbreaker for me. And I have an adversion even to dating someone who's cheated on others, unless he's very clearly learned the lesson and it was years and years ago, maybe. And even then, just maybe.

 

However, I expect all people to behave well. Just because someone is cheated on doesn't mean they have a free card to act like a jerk. So there's that counterpoint, too. They don't have to act saintly, but anger is still ugly, even when I get the reason. Does that make sense?

 

I think "revenge" is pretty useless. That said, I don't care much what that fella did. Just pointing out that I don't find retaliation justified. Ever.

[threebyfate]

Yes, I've read it over and over again on LS and laugh at it, considering where it most often spouts from which is from the OW/OM, WS or the BS that remained with the WS.

 

The other part derives from Christianity:

• Vengence is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
  
• But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
  
• Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.
  

In my opinion, it's all a load of rubbish.

[quankanne]

Why is it that a cheater is allowed excuse after excuse but the person who is actually the victim in cases like this is expected to remain saintly?

 

IMHO? To do otherwise is to wallow in the gutter right along with the cheater. Why do that when you can hold your head up in a classy manner?

[paleblue]

Why is it that a cheater is allowed excuse after excuse but the person who is actually the victim in cases like this is expected to remain saintly?

 

IMHO? To do otherwise is to wallow in the gutter right along with the cheater. Why do that when you can hold your head up in a classy manner?

 

good point. i guess taking the high road is like giving your betrayer the proverbial finger.

[quankanne]

good point. i guess taking the high road is like giving your betrayer the proverbial finger.

 

yup. Kinda like the advice to "kill 'em with kindness." If they respond in any way other than nice, they appear churlish and you come out smellin' like a rose either way!!!!

[Woggle]

I get that concept but what betrayed would not love to do what that guy on the radio did?

[Jannah]

I was betrayed, I dealt with it for a year to myself, then went out and had a blast with my friends. I also bought a condo a couple years later. People deal with things in their own way.

[Pyro]

I would rather not stoop to their level.

 

Moving on and not giving a f%ck about them anymore is the best revenge.

[wicar1]

Revenge affairs mean BS on the same boat as the cheater. It's not an option.

 

In my case I did what Pyro suggested. Just walked away. Soon ex did pay the price for cheating. After divorce she became depressed, was on drugs etc etc... faced lotsa trouble.

 

if a stray dog bites you, you dont bite back. You just walk away with the wound which would get healed. Sooner or later animal control will handle it. In this situation animal control is karma.

Edited December 24, 2010 by wicar1

[Woggle]

I am not talking about a revenge affair but a little humiliation on the air is okay to me.

[paleblue]

I can understand someone wanting a little payback. The high road just doesnt seem like all that sometimes. Especially after you get burned by someone you were supposed to be able to trust.

 

Dumpee's can have their own excuses.

 

It's not my fault.

The devil made me do it.

It's better than killing you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think maybe because it makes the cheater look like they might be justified.

 

I also think that a lot of cheaters have a pretty thin skin, in my H's case he wails over me being upset over the fact the he was a cheating scumbag to me. He gets angry whenever I cry (which isn't too often anymore). They just can't handle much and their expectations of us to satisfy whatever needs they have are through the roof.

 

OW/OM would think they can satisfy the cheater because it seems simple to them to do so. In reality the cheater is using both parties to try to satisfy the "needs" (whether physical or emotional) that they don't take care of themselves. Let's say that a BS fills 75% percent of their emotional/physical needs and the cheater fills none of their own needs. The OW/OM only needs to fill 25% of those needs, doing way less then the spouse and so they think their partner is really easy to satisfy and that the BS is some kind of crazy, selfish loser.

 

The MM/MW often expect the spouse to realize where they "fell short" after D-Day and make up for the other 25%. It really doesn't work that way.

 

I guess that is why it is better to go NC with the spouse after D Day, then they would realize that the spouse was way more giving then they realized, and often able to give more then the OW/OM who often have their own unmet needs and expectations (hence being in a relationship with an MM/MW). It would also end an co-dependency between the WS and the BS, therefore breaking the cycle the BS has to go through to get over the pain.

 

IMHO I have often found that BS that are willing to work it out are willing to do far more then their WS who often feel justified in what they have done, or at least don't want to stop doing it, or just blame the other person for the affair.

[threebyfate]

I sincerely believe that it's unhealthy and might even be dangerous to the psyche to repress the amount of negative energy that people experience after they've been betrayed within a marriage. Vent it first, allowing most of it to be bled out all over the cheater where it belongs and then address the balance incrementally.

 

So many people try to repress the negative energy due to some of the reasons listed within my previous post and they hurt for years or are damaged forever.

 

I got my revenge in my first marriage and have no regrets in any way. To this day I'm still glad I did it. It was a form of taking back power that was taken from me through deceit and more.

 

If my second husband were to cheat on me, I'd process it a different way but have no doubt that he will feel the wrath all over him, within every pore of his body without any physical trauma. It will be emotional trauma. And then I'd leave with Bump and explain to him that my lawyer will be contacting him.

 

Strangely enough, I do trust him implicitly not to cheat. Otherwise, I wouldn't have married him. But it never hurts to be prepared, just in case. It's like having insurance since no sane person can read minds or foretell the future and when it comes to human beings, there are no absolutes.

[zengirl]

I sincerely believe that it's unhealthy and might even be dangerous to the psyche to repress the amount of negative energy that people experience after they've been betrayed within a marriage. Vent it first, allowing most of it to be bled out all over the cheater where it belongs and then address the balance incrementally.

 

So many people try to repress the negative energy due to some of the reasons listed within my previous post and they hurt for years or are damaged forever.

 

I got my revenge in my first marriage and have no regrets in any way. To this day I'm still glad I did it. It was a form of taking back power that was taken from me through deceit and more.

 

If my second husband were to cheat on me, I'd process it a different way but have no doubt that he will feel the wrath all over him, within every pore of his body without any physical trauma. It will be emotional trauma. And then I'd leave with Bump and explain to him that my lawyer will be contacting him.

 

Strangely enough, I do trust him implicitly not to cheat. Otherwise, I wouldn't have married him. But it never hurts to be prepared, just in case. It's like having insurance since no sane person can read minds or foretell the future and when it comes to human beings, there are no absolutes.

 

Psychological studies actually show that venting anger tends to be destructive for building happiness. Sure, everybody's different, but on average, the whole, You feel better if you emotionally-vomit-anger all over someone, is a myth.

[hopesndreams]

but if a betrayed partner loses their cool or gets some justice they are wrong. Does anybody else see this?

 

If they don't keep their cool they could end up with a long prison sentence.

[ComputerJock]

The broadcast drew responses on both side of the fence, but when Chris came on the next time and told what happened it turns out she confessed she had been cheating with Eric even after she found the engagment ring and KNEW Chris was going to propose.

[Woggle]

I sincerely believe that it's unhealthy and might even be dangerous to the psyche to repress the amount of negative energy that people experience after they've been betrayed within a marriage. Vent it first, allowing most of it to be bled out all over the cheater where it belongs and then address the balance incrementally.

 

So many people try to repress the negative energy due to some of the reasons listed within my previous post and they hurt for years or are damaged forever.

 

I got my revenge in my first marriage and have no regrets in any way. To this day I'm still glad I did it. It was a form of taking back power that was taken from me through deceit and more.

 

If my second husband were to cheat on me, I'd process it a different way but have no doubt that he will feel the wrath all over him, within every pore of his body without any physical trauma. It will be emotional trauma. And then I'd leave with Bump and explain to him that my lawyer will be contacting him.

 

Strangely enough, I do trust him implicitly not to cheat. Otherwise, I wouldn't have married him. But it never hurts to be prepared, just in case. It's like having insurance since no sane person can read minds or foretell the future and when it comes to human beings, there are no absolutes.

 

I fully agree. If you don't vent it at the person that actually is guilty then you run the risk of venting it at a completely innocent person you get involved with which is very unfair.

[Woggle]

but if a betrayed partner loses their cool or gets some justice they are wrong. Does anybody else see this?

 

If they don't keep their cool they could end up with a long prison sentence.

 

I don't advise anything violent but a little humliation is okay in my book.

[deebeechrisyo]

I don't think I could ever humiliate someone like that guy did, no matter how much they deserve it. I would just feel too badly. Even listening to that radio segment, I kind of felt bad for the girl despite her being a cheating whore, due to what transpired on air.

 

Taking the high road is the best revenge I think. When your cheating ex finds out you got a huge raise at work, lost 20 lbs, and hears about you smiling and laughing with someone new at a bar after not hearing from you in months, well I can't imagine a better way to get back at them.

 

Move on, forget them, and improve your life. Cheaters generally cannot get enough drama in their lives, so they will come a knocking down the road eventually.

[Pyro]

Taking the high road is the best revenge I think. When your cheating ex hears about you smiling and laughing with someone new at a bar after not hearing from you in months, well I can't imagine a better way to get back at them.

 

Move on, forget them, and improve your life. Cheaters generally cannot get enough drama in their lives, so they will come a knocking down the road eventually.

 

This right here. I am a firm believer and karma and that those who did wrong will get what is coming to them.

 

I don't need to do something out of character in order to feel better about myself. Moving on and finding someone better would do that for me.

[threebyfate]

Psychological studies actually show that venting anger tends to be destructive for building happiness. Sure, everybody's different, but on average, the whole, You feel better if you emotionally-vomit-anger all over someone, is a myth.

Can you link these studies? Did these studies include any historical research on the psyche of the individuals participating and how they viewed "vomiting anger", as in it being a positive or negative value? Were the individuals involved suffering from the trauma of marital infidelity?

[Jannah]

Psychological studies actually show that venting anger tends to be destructive for building happiness. Sure, everybody's different, but on average, the whole, You feel better if you emotionally-vomit-anger all over someone, is a myth.

 

I'm not sure about others, but, I feel much better after I emotionally vomit-anger when/if someone has done something wrong to me, such as cheating. Why contain it? Sure, the person who screwed you over, doesn't need to be constantly reminded of it, but they sure as hell will hear the verbal wrath because of it.

[Woggle]

Also anger has to go somewhere and if you repress it it might eventually explode on a person who doesn't deserve it.

[Distant78]

Also anger has to go somewhere and if you repress it it might eventually explode on a person who doesn't deserve it.

 

Some people see anger as a bad thing because it's used negatively a lot, when really it's a permanent part of the human mind, and is an important part of who we are. Anger can be used positively, such as expressing it in a non-violent matter. You're right, if we hold in our anger, it WILL explode on those close to us that we love, and affect our daily grind. That is a fact.

 

But besides that I do agree with rubbing it in the cheater's face a little bit (did it myself once), because if we retaliate physically we'll just get in trouble with them laughing at us as we sit in jail, while they feel more justified in cheating on us.