What's Purpose of NC When U Don't Want Divorce?

[Yasuandio]

I see psychologically, the NC strategy. But, please, tell me why I am doing it. I'm feeling so desparate right now, which I know intellectually is the BEST time for NC. But here come the "buts." My attorney sent up the motion regarding my current legal fees and fees to proceed. This was prompted by his council putting me on a depo calandar. While my attorney was at it, she threw in a couple of legitmate contempt of court matters, that he is aover a year late in addressing.

 

Well, all talk between us stopped after he received that. But the fact is he blew off the judges order, and my attorney wants to take care of all these matters at one time. It was just kind of bad timing as I was trying to talk to him about reconciliation.

 

I mean, I didn't blow a gasket when I saw I was on a deposition calandar, even though it frightened me.

 

So, just received notice that hidiously expenive visit with judge to hear motions is Jan 28.

 

I wanna call him and try to reconcile. But he pretty much did not respond well to the contempt stuff. He just blew it off. Now I'm in a rock and a hard place. If we really are getting divorced, then this is part of the process just like the surprise depo thing.

 

Back to NC. Do I remain vigilent? One hope that has crossed my mind is that he will recall the last time we visited the judge because of his refusal to give me the portion of our funds that I needed. Not only did he comply with the requests, but it cost a fortune just to visit the judge with our attorneys. He had to pay it out of our marital assets (which he considers HIS money). The amount is so insane I will not post it.

 

Would this be my salvation, that he'll break NC and come to his senses? We've been married 25 colorful years.. Please direct me on the purpose of NC in my case. Should I wait it out?

[delajoonal]

OP...

 

imo, the NC is basically to get back to "YOU"...

 

find out who u R again.

 

R's tend to change us, whether we want to admit it or not..

good or bad...we change a bit...get into habits, etc. that revolve around

our SO or the R.

 

NC, is for getting TIME back to YOU...because when we talk, email, text our X's, we get all wrapped up in the R or break up again...

and have to start all over..

 

and most times the breaking the NC, means, arguing, pointing fingers, calling names, nothing good comes of it...or if it is civil we r left feeling so lonely, sad. their voices sound so close like u can reach out and touch them and longing for our X's...after all, Y did we break up again????

 

THAT is what breaking the NC does to me anyway..

a big ol' mushy mess, and i need to stick to my guns and get back TO ME!

 

does this make sense?..hope so.

 

anyway, for me, the NC, recently, means: sleep, getting back to MY own everyday rituals, my own thoughts, my HOME back, watch TV, talk to my girls on the phone, everything...just getting back to ME, period.

 

when the NC was broken this past week with my xbf, he emailed me and i responded, and now he keeps leaving vmails...i have NOT responded or broke the new NC thus far.

 

anyway, i have NOT slept since that stupid email...i feel like my shoulders r up under my ears again..i. am a nervous wreck...almost feel trapped in my own head, my home, etc...( no violence) just trapped in this cruddy mode of the R going no where...like a waiting game, but waiting for what, because i broke up with him...and the NC keeps IT broken up..separate lives now..and breaking the NC mean starting all over again..

 

gosh, it is very hard to explain...maybe one of the LS Vets can do it better ...

 

hope this made sense..sometimes we c it in our head so clearly then type it out, and it is a big ol' mess..LOL

[Yasuandio]

Thank you for your thoughtful response Dela! I am so happy I joined this forum. What u said makes so much sense. It's when dialogue begins again that I receive mixed signals from him - then I start panting like a dehydrated dog. It's almost like he's got my number.

 

But this time, and I will say the cost to visit the judge (17,000 plus what judge orders), perhaps he will reconsider? Is this possible? I know he had no idea, nor did I, the cost of the 1st hearing with the judge. But with Contenpt charges, as well as the resposibility to share an eqitible part of our income for my legal fees, it appears things may go a similar direction in late January. If we could just work it out, impossible, that would save the attorney fees and costs to see judge.

 

I just want to save my marriage. I am scared. I have bi-polar desease. I am getting older. I gave him outstanding service as a wife for 25 years. I know nothing else. I am too disabled to work in my profession any longer. But my disability income and assets that I assisted in accumulating during the marriage have boosted his income five fold with profits on top of it.

 

I hate seeing all what we've worked for go down the drain in attorney fees. And the worst part is that I am stuck with a problematic disability and cannot make it up. He will end up buying me out of the business - but I will see nothing of the future of this lifetime investment. It makes me feel like lives not worth living. I still love him, but suspect I was used to get this franchise moneywise and brainwise. Now, he's done with me - or pushed me to the point of abuse and neglect that there is no going back.

 

Oh, I sound like a whiney broken record. I need to remember the topic. NC. When he sees the bundle that's about to go out the window, do you think he will see the light? We can have so much together. To fight this out, there is humilation, and pain, and an ADDITIONAL 2 years of lonliness. Will he make a move for money sake while I hold firm with NC?

[foamy2001]

Not sure if you want to hear this or not....

 

NC is about starting your life w/o your SO. It's not fair, but if the other person wants out, there is nothing you can do to change their mind. NC forces you to accept this new phase of your life.

 

I know you want him back. Everyone on this board (for the most part) wants/wanted the same. However, you have to separate what was from what is/will be.

 

I'm not saying it is impossible to get back together, but you need to look at it like it is impossible. I don't know your story, but it sounds like he is the one that left and he is fine w/ the separation/divorce going forward. NC is the first step towards reclaiming your life.

 

There will be good times and bad... use this forum for both. If your story works out, I know the people here would benefit from your experience. We all want out SO back. If it doesn't work out, know there are many, many people here willing to listen and pick you up when you are down. Regardless of what happens, your life will change/has changed and NC gives you the best shot at making this change a good one.

 

Sorry if that was blunt and painful.

[Yasuandio]

Do not apologize, I am thankful for a direct answer. I need blunt even if it is painful. This forum in just 24 hours has given me more direction than the therapy I've received during the past 2 years of this process. There are actual solutions with purposes on this forum that I have never heard of. In my therapy, I am basically told that my pining is a waste of energy. That has not been helpful - although it may be true. Foamy2001 you actually are concerned about me to take the time to make this response and I am grateful. I see this is a pattern on the forum and I am honored to be accepted into the LS family. All that I learn as I heal I will pass down. Anything I can do for others, I will contribute.

 

Last night I left 9 messages on his machine. I called and apolgized thru voice mail this morning. I requested that he change his cell number since this is really my only temptation since we are now movving on. If only I did not have that phone number. Perhaps, if he is serious, since he knows dialing is my weakness, he will take my

suggestion. He is a "drive by" guy, that's his temptation. Oh, what a fool I made out of myself last night. "I'm your wife and you can come talk to me about anything.". Gag a magot.

[foamy2001]

Don't beat yourself up. We have all done it. Set small goals: "I'm not going to call him today. I'm not going to call this weekend, for a week, a month." If you slip, just start over.

 

It's not easy. If it were, there wouldn't be so many people on this board struggling just like you. I look at my ex like an addiction. Just like an alcoholic can't just have one glass of wine without sinking deeper, I can't talk to her once or see pictures on the internet without locking myself in my house for two days and playing sad songs at high volumes.

 

I'm almost a year in, and it has gotten easier. I have bad days, but I no longer want to see or talk to her. You will heal in stages, often without even noticing it happening.