Giving 2nd chance to cheating B/F***AFRAID**

[bittersweet]

I just want to know if anyone reading this has ever stayed with a partner after they've cheated for a few months with the same person. I recently found out my 6 year b'f friend was seeing the same girl behind my back for 3 months. To make a VEEEEERY lons story short, some of you might understand why I'm giving him this opportunity- lets just say things were very bad a few months ago and we were BOTH running away from out problems and ignoring them.

 

It has only been a little over a week since I heard this devastating news (other girl showed up at his house on his Birthday after he told her it was over between them) HOW in the world am I supposed to handle this? Where do we go from here. Do we need counseling if he won't talk to me for more than a few minutes without a fight. He says I'm torturing myself by asking questions. Or do things work out for the best if I hide how I'm feeling most of the time to let him see me as the person he fell in love with 6 years ago? He knows how bad he hurts me but I'm afraid to get comfortable around a man who betrayed me soooo badly and took away all my trust. I CAN forgive him for what he did- as long as he acts differently than he was just a month ago- he can't possibly act the same after all that's happening, can he?

 

Now, my biggest fear is that she will use everything possible to try and take him away from me. This girl is nothing compared to me- we are totally opposite and I'm not putting her down but let's just say she was easy to please and that's what attracted him to her in the first place. The only way I'll really know if heis still in contact with her is if I show up more often w/o calling or if I ask to see his cellphone bill. He wants me to do anything I need in order to trust him again but what's the best way to handle this?

 

Any advice or personal stories relating to this "FEAR" I'm having would be very helpful!!

[ojibwaywmn]

You need some time to yourself. Like you said, the affair was found out about a week ago. So the hurt, anger, disappointment, etc are still very fresh. Yes, relationships do have problems, but it is not much of an excuse to go fool around. Trust has been broken here, and him wanting to sweep it under the rug is not helping much.

 

Perhaps it is a good idea to step back for a bit. Take care of YOU. You can't control how he feels, what he says, or what he does. So control the one person you can....you. Once you are in a better state of mind, start rebuilding the relationship. Or not, it is up to you. But the number one priority right now is your well-being. He can handle whatever it is by himself. Find a close friend for support. It is what got me through the tough times. Take care.

[bittersweet]

thank you- A lot of my close friends always told me that and I never listened! Now that something so unintended struck my life, its even harder to take care of myself. I relied on my boyfriend since the day we met and he took it for granted. I have so much to focus on- working full- time, school full-time and right now, to be honest, nothing else seems to matter.

[Fedup&givingup]

Having been cheated on myself, I know what you are feeling. You initially (and understandably so) feel VERY inadequate and violated.

 

I had a boyfriend in college that cheated on me NUMerous times...I actually had no reason to suspsect (I was young, naive, and SOOOO blind!), but it was my father who pulled out of HIS hat that this guy was running around on me. I confronted him, and he admitted. Well, the most natural reaction in discovering that you've been cheated on is to stay with the person-this goes against anything you always believed you would do IF. Well, I stayed with the guy for about 6 months after the fact, then I dumped him. I couldn't deal with what he had done, and I knew there was nothing left to salvage.

 

Currently, I am in a marriage where I think it's pretty evident and clear that he's cheated on me (had several flings) that he completely denies. I don't think he's done these things because I have been formerly cheated on...I think these things because they are very realistic. My plan...to complete my higher education, then get out of dodge.

 

My point is that for me personally, there is NOTHING left to reconcile, to rebuild once the one of the most necessary, fundamental components of the relationship has been destroyed. TRUST. Some people say they can work through it, etc. I don't know or see how.

 

Like the previous person posted, under NO circumstances is there ANY excuse to cheat...good times or not, NO excuse. Zero tolerance, in my book. If that's what your boyfriend feels the need to resort to, then his character is pretty weak.

 

Think about it long and hard, and take care of YOU, don't be manipulated into what they want (cheaters are notorious for this...they always try to get what THEY want, because they only think of themselves). You come first.

 

Your boyfriend says you can see his cell phone bill, etc. I say SO WHAT! Here's what I say to that...after so long of that, you will "trust" him again, and he will take note of that, then what? In my opinion, cheaters will always resort to cheating. It's their coping skill, but it doesn't have to be your nightmare.

[Fedup&givingup]

Nothing else seems to matter because the pain is enormous, pain that HE inflicted on you.

 

Let me take a stab in the dark at what he's acting like right now...Romeo. If you've got all those other things going for you, GOOD for you. TRY to step back and stay away from him now, because he will cloud your judgement. Post on here as much as possible if you need to.

[bittersweet]

TODAY, I LET MY INSECURITIES GET THE BEST OF ME- SO I SNOPPED THROUGH HIS "CLUTTER DRAWER" WHILE HE WAS IN THE BATHROOM (WE WERE HAVING LUNCH BREAK TOGETHER). i FOUND SICK POEMS THIS OTHER GIRL WROTE ABOUT WANTING TO DIE AND FED UP WITH WASTED TIME. SHE SOUNDS LIKE A REAL HEAD CASE- JUST LIKE HE USE TO BE. HE IS A RECOVERING DRUG ADDICT AND I REALIZED THIS GIRL MIGHT HAVE BEEN TOO, OR HE WAS ATLEAST TRYING TO SAVE HER. IT MAKES ME SICK TO HEAR HOW SHE EXPRESSED HER FEELINGS SO OPENLY WITH HIM- THAT'S WHY I HURT, BECAUSE I REALIZE HOW DEEP IT WAS BETWEEN THEM. NOW, I'M AFRAID THET HE RELAPSED WITH HER.

[Fedup&givingup]

Reason #2 to get OVER him.

[Velveteel]

In my experience, you absolutely do need counseling together (and maybe also separately) to overcome infidelity. Many, many long-term couples stay together after affairs. But it takes time to rebuild trust, and you have address the underlying problems in the relationship, even if those problems didn't lead directly to the affair. The point is to make a better, stronger relationship. I think there's a website called <URL removed> with a lot of relevant information on this.

 

And yes, in the meantime, do everything you can to take care of yourself. Best of luck.

[bittersweet]

(I'm so mad- my whole reply got erased just now so I'll try agai!!)

First of all, my whole story is listed under the cheating forum- it's a crazy story.

I saw my "b/f" tonight and hit him with all types of questions, like usual. He does seem to "push everything under the rug" just like he always does. He never, ever wants to get deep about anything so I don't expect much. I brought up couseling and hopefully he goes through with it. The funny thing is that he brought it up about 3 days after the day he and that girl met. I didn't agree with it and took it personally ( what a mistake).

I'm thinking, if I decide to stay with him, the best thing I could do to get the best result is bring things up at the right time- not when things are going good. Even if we don't go to couseling, I think it would help if we at least left an hour of our time open each week to talk about ANYTHING that needs to be talked about. I see how what I do is pushing him away because I'm giving him a bad impression of me (nagging, compulsive, sneaky, on his case). That was a problem we had before all of this happened. What I mean is shouldn't I act more like I want to try rather than always arguing because the truth is I chose to stay and maybe I make things look too impossible to fix?

 

It's so hard to stay with someone after they betray you. You compare yourself to the other person, you feel so worthless and insecure. I constantly think about how they might have acted around eachother. I take EVERYTHING so personal. When he says he's tired, I don't even know how to trust that. I just DON"T know the right way to act right now. It's a shame when confident woman who felt comfortable and safe around her man for so many years finds herself lost and confused in her B/F presence.

[shygirl04]

I am in an eerily similar situation. My b/f is cheating on me through the internet. (god I hate computers). I myself am very confused and scared. I know that you dont want to lose him but the trust is just not there. My b/f also just sweeps things under the rug and fights with me if I bring up my insecurities, but I also have some proof.

 

I really dont know what to tell you to do. I am not sure what to do myself. By going to counseling you sound like you are trying to do the right thing. I hope it works out for you.

[bittersweet]

We learn something new everyday. I just got home (later than expected) from a huge huge arguement with my b/f. The first time I was there tonight, we had a long deep talk- I thought he really wanted to try things. He left a message after I left about how we'll pick up on things the next day. Something didn't seem right and I went with my gut instincts and called him 10 minutes later... he was on the other line and no matter how many times I called he didn't answer. I turned my car around and as expected his front door was locked. All of the sudden he was off the phone. He came out... I asked who he was talking to and he said he wasn't on the phone.

 

The thing that hurts the most when you're trying to trust someone like a cheater is when you know they are hiding something. We had a hugggggge war going on- almost at midnight. A lot was said- I ended up saying it was over and it hit him that I'm not stupid and the best thing he could do is tell me the truth- He did. I had to hear how his fling calls him over and over every single day begging for him back. I had to hear how she'll do anything and she won't give-up in him. To tell you the truth, it felt pretty good because atleast I was hearing the truth. He swears he's not leading her on and he believes she'll get over it soon.He makes me think she's psychotic and says anything to make be believe he wants nothing to do with her. Why would she still be calling, right? It's sick what I'm putting up with- each day we learn something new... good or bad!!!

 

What goes on with you and yours? Do you constantly argue? Does your B/F try to get you to act like nothing ever happened because he can't deal with seeing you so hurt?