W...W...WTF just happened?

[ItsNeverForever]

OK, I'm so confused. I've cried my eyes out AND taken a nap, and I still can't make any sense of it. There was contact today, and I already know better so please try not to lecture me and try to see this objectively, because I need to understand whether I did something wrong or not. Regardless of the stupid situation, I still love this man with all my heart and would never even know how to deliberately set out to hurt him. I'll just have to lay this thing out in detail and see if any of you can help me dissect this bc if I don't stop feeling like the world's biggest jerk soon, I don't know what...I just don't know.

 

He texted me bright and early this morning, a Merry Christmas text. After 4 days of crickets and tumbleweeds when I didn't respond to his last flirty test, this really was the last thing I expected. He's a smart man. He knows that if I don't reply, there's a good reason for it, and it's time to cut and run. (ooh, typing that just now made me see a correlation to what happened today...)

 

I replied. (I know, I know.) Anyway, it turned into a longish, pleasant chat about what we were each doing today, talking about a favorite restaurant, movies, etc. I started to feel like I needed to end the conversation before it got too complicated, so I wished him a fun day with the kiddo, sent "hugs" to both of them and (gah, I hate myself now) TOLD HIM I MISS HIM. *siiiigh*

 

He replied with a hug back, and "I miss you too".

 

Well, you know, for a while now I've felt that when he says things like that to me, it's only been bc I said it and he feels the need to respond in kind, that he just says it to "be nice" because he feels bad/guilty because of our situation. It feels like a consolation prize. You know, he doesn't HAVE to miss me, he could see me any time. If I thought he wanted to see me, there's NOTHING that would stop me - I'd go anywhere, any time, any day. But obviously he wouldn't do the same for me or I'd have seen him by now. My brother and sister each live in different states, 6 hours away in opposite directions, and I've seen more of both of them in the past six weeks than I have x"MM", who lives on the same friggin' road I do, less than 10 mins away.

 

Today I decided to say how I feel. The last thing I ever want is for him to be sugar-coating anything or spinning my wheels - I hate that more than anything. I replied, "You know I don't really believe that anymore... But it's sweet of you to say it anyway." I meant to follow that up, explaining that I hoped he wasn't saying he missed me out of the feeling of "obligation", etc., but when I looked at the clock and realized I was already 15 minutes late for my mom's, I raced out of the house and then got sidetracked and never continued my intended message.

 

WELL, that's when ALL H-E-L-L-L-L broke loose...

(understand that xMM is a verrrry mellow. always happy person - not an "angry guy" in ANY remote sense)

 

xMM: "Yep, guess you got me all figured out now. Nothing gets by you..."

 

Me: "I realize that sounded harsh, wasn't intended that way. I just feel vulnerable."

 

xMM: "It WAS harsh. There's nothing to feel vulnerable about. I can't give you what you need and want right now and random snide comments can't change that. :("

 

(wha??!!! I just told him that harsh wasn't my intention, and now I'm snide?)

 

Me: "You're right, and wrong...I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I really wasn't coming from snideville - you know I'm not a fighter."

 

xMM: "You're a drive-by shooter."

 

(uhm, does anyone know what he's talking about? WTH is a drive-by shooter?)

 

Me: "I have a label? I think you don't understand me, babe. I think tone is being lost in text. I'm honestly not coming from a place of anger."

 

xMM: "Who said anger? You said you didn't believe me."

 

Man, at this point, I couldn't text anymore, this just wasn't working. I'm feeling like total CRAP that I've hurt his feelings, I never ever intended to do so. So I called him. He was NOT HAPPY, and that's putting it mildly. He was sooooooooo angry. I told him he's not getting the gist of the whole things, that he's assumed I'm coming from somewhere I'm not, trying to get in a dig. And this is what he said:

 

"No, I'm basing my opinion of what you said on the fact that I can read and understand the English language, or at least I think I can, and you don't believe me when I say I miss you. Period. (Then I said that the reason I don't believe he misses me is that he hasn't even tried to see me in 6 weeks, and that I feel he's saying he misses me out of obligation and/or guilt.) Well, if I didn't share the emotion of missing you, I certainly wouldn't be telling you so. And I would never just say it back bc you said it, because if I didn't miss you and care about you, there's other ways to respond to you saying you miss me...I could change the subject, or I could just "be too busy to reply" - why would I tell you i miss you if I didn't. It hurts to hear you say you don't believe it."

 

Honestly, I don't even remember what I said to him at this point. My head was swirling around, I thought I was gonna pass out. Did I really hurt his feelings? I mean honestly, he doesn't display any signs that I have any experience with in my forty years of life that show me he still cares for me, WTH am I supposed to think? And am I not supposed to share my feelings about the situation? I don't understand what I did so wrong.

 

I think I basically told him that he misunderstands me, that I just didn't want him to feel obligated to me anymore because (implied) it was clear to me nothing was ever going to change. I tried to reassure him that I never meant to hurt his feelings, but that I have feelings too, and I needed to make sure that neither one of us was being idiots, especially ME. I was very sweet, as I don't know any other way to be with him. I couldn't get mad at him if I tried. But this happens now and again, when we have little "discussions" of this nature, he believes that I'm being this snarky b*tch that I'm just not and could never be. I assume he's projecting HER (or some other past woman's) personality onto me? Expecting/assuming that I'll react to things the same way she does?

 

Well, he wasn't having any of it. Just a lot of "un-hunh's" and "mm-hmm's", and then, "well, I'm busy with lunch. I'll talk to you later."

 

So, I just don't understand what I did so wrong. I expressed my feelings, apologized for wording it incorrectly, and he's mad as a hornet. And I feel like a pile of MERDE. Crying on and off all afternoon. I finally got to hear his beautiful voice today, but it was his low, hurt/angry voice.

 

I ruined my own Christmas.

[fooled once]

So you are upset that he thinks you were mean?

 

I thought this was over?

 

This couldn't be farther from over if you tried.

 

Why keep doing this? Either be with him or NOT.

 

This wishy washy is probably very confusing to him.

 

You say you won't be a mistress any longer, yet you are giving him mixed signals with the flirty texts, the missing you stuff, etc.

 

Then you want him to chase you and prove to you he misses you and you start with the "you don't really miss me" texts.

 

Come on.

 

This sounds like junior high stuff.

 

Either get in or get out of the affair.

 

Either accept your role or demand more.

 

Either be in NC or not.

 

NC is NO CONTACT, not Merry Christmas, I miss you, blah blah.

 

You are saying one thing and doing another.

[jthorne]

Logged in to check a load of pm's and saw your thread.

 

Simply stated: you didn't hurt his feelings. You spoke the truth. He's blameshifting to make you look like the bad guy.

 

So here we have it- another nice gal's holiday was ruined by a jackazz coward committed to someone else. No more of this "miss you" junk, right? No more of any of it!

 

You see how flucked up that is? Dry you pretty eyes, sweetie, a new year marks a new beginning.

 

Let's not have this happen again next weekend, ok?

Edited December 26, 2010 by jthorne

[skywriter]

Hi INF,

 

Just wanna say, I've stepped outta the neat lil' A box myself.

 

I made the mistake of believing, it was safe, to say how I felt and it didn't go over well either.

 

It was a nice, heaping dose of reality and remember your place, for myself.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, take a deep breath..You are fine. You didn't ruin his Christmas, far from it.

 

He manipulated the situation and played you like a fiddle. You called him out (or as he says drive by shootings aka shots at him) and he reacted and got pissy. He knows you well and knows that you're not being mean, or saying anything out of malciousness, it's from pain and hurt. You are SO right if he truly missed you, he would have seen you in the past 6 weeks. Also, if you hadn't said I miss you first, do YOU think he would have said I miss you? My guess (sorry) is no.

 

He turned this around to deflect anything on him and put it on you. He reacted and went looking for an argument to get himself off the hook. Again.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but please try to not feel guilty or bad. You didn't ruin his Christmas.. And so WHAT if you hurt his feelings abit? He's a bloody grown man and can handle it.

 

He knows how to push your buttons and you played right into his trap.

 

Go back into NC mode and remember why NC is so important. NOT to make a point to him but to protect you.

[BB07]

You called him out on some of his ****z..........and he manipulates you by turning it back on you and to add insult to injury he does the poor me thing to you. It obviously worked........because you feel that you did something wrong.

 

Hon..........this guy is gonna take you down even further if you allow it. I'm afraid you can't see it but he is warped and what he is doing to you is very warped, but you aren't putting your foot down and saying.........NO MORE! When is it going to be NO MORE? You have the power to stop it.

[whichwayisup]

See? You have 5 people telling you or more less the exact same thing.

 

Now, don't let HIM ruin YOUR Christmas! or what's left of it.

 

He is a grinch!

[ItsNeverForever]

Ok, let me just say two things. 1. I don't feel like I ruined HIS Christmas, but I ruined MINE bc I didn't stick to my guns, I gave in like a fool, & now I'm paying for it. B., I'm not the OW anymore, clearly. And he doesn't want me to be which is exactly the reason he gave me when he broke it off 2 months ago.

 

NOW, that being said, I see it so clearly now. You are all right on the money. He deflected & turned it back on me bc he knows. He knows me, & the intent behind sharing my feelings, and what a d*ck he is for doing 'just enough' all this time to keep me on the line in case he ever decides to man up & leave his ridiculous situation.

 

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, & maybe subconsciously I did this today to figure out, in a roundabout way, that it's truly hopeless and I needed a way to facilitate "no going back now". I guess it worked, bc I don't know what I would ever have to say to him again at this point.

 

Since my OP earlier, I received a sweet phone call from a good friend of mine (my BC, no less!) who knows the whole story, & he said same, 'turning It back on me, knowing just how to play me', etc. He's a good bit older & very wise. I know that he, and all of you, are right.

 

Thanks to all of you, my 'ruined' Christmas is reversed. My brother from 6 hours away just arrived, & I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my Christmas day with not one more thought of x"MM". He deserves no more of me.

[ItsNeverForever]

So you are upset that he thinks you were mean?

 

I thought this was over?

 

This couldn't be farther from over if you tried.

 

Why keep doing this? Either be with him or NOT.

 

This wishy washy is probably very confusing to him.

 

You say you won't be a mistress any longer, yet you are giving him mixed signals with the flirty texts, the missing you stuff, etc.

 

Then you want him to chase you and prove to you he misses you and you start with the "you don't really miss me" texts.

 

Come on.

 

This sounds like junior high stuff.

 

Either get in or get out of the affair.

 

Either accept your role or demand more.

 

Either be in NC or not.

 

NC is NO CONTACT, not Merry Christmas, I miss you, blah blah.

 

You are saying one thing and doing another.

 

...and thank you, Fooled. I honestly needed that kick In the pants I can always count on you for! LOL

[whichwayisup]

Thanks to all of you, my 'ruined' Christmas is reversed. My brother from 6 hours away just arrived, & I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my Christmas day with not one more thought of x"MM". He deserves no more of me.

 

Remember that next time you doubt or feel down. Your exMM is NOT worth the tears.

 

Enjoy the rest of today with your brother! Merry Christmas and tomorrow, have fun, smile, laugh and be happy.

[KarmasTestDummy]

This was given to me at one time when all I heard about was what a biatch the wife was and ut did truly resonate...especially to your situation where he's almost instigating and trying to force a fight out of something so idiotic.

 

http://www.gloryb.com/emerald/workthing.html

 

The fact of the matter is some men like a biatch and feed off the drama.

[twinsmom]

This person has just kept reappearing with different personas over the years. I can't imagine why he/she hasn't been banned. Not stating my feelings about the subject matter either way, but this joker has absolutely nothing to offer, and never has..

[starlight102]

Well, you chose to be the OM and some one's mistress.

 

 

Are you a little bitter??? I really don't think she deserved that snide remark.

[bentnotbroken]

Are you a little bitter??? I really don't think she deserved that snide remark.

 

 

And?????????

[starlight102]

And?????????

 

It's obvious she's bitter.....that was my point. There is no "AND"

[bentnotbroken]

It's obvious she's bitter.....that was my point. There is no "AND"

 

No.... it is obvious you didn't care for her post, but it is not obvious she is bitter. It is typically a term thrown around here when AP don't like the some of the posts made by some of the posters.

[twinsmom]

BNB. I love the fact that you are upfront and open about your personal experience, and I think you have much valuable information to share. I've always thought that. But the previous poster is not offering anything of use, and his/her reponses are just meant to be divisive.

[ItsNeverForever]

This was given to me at one time when all I heard about was what a biatch the wife was and ut did truly resonate...especially to your situation where he's almost instigating and trying to force a fight out of something so idiotic.

 

http://www.gloryb.com/emerald/workthing.html

 

The fact of the matter is some men like a biatch and feed off the drama.

 

Oooewww, Karma...you know what? I think you're right...I just read that link, & knowing what I know of their history, yep. To a T. That's why she still lives there. On her moving day, she decided she didnt like the (brand shiny new) apartment enough & told him flat out, I'M NOT MOVING. PERIOD. TOO BAD SO SAD. And he ate it right up. And the before that, when he told her about us (3 mos after they had broken up), it was UHMMM, I DON'T THINK SO MISTER, YOU DONT GET TO REPLACE ME SO FAST - YOU GET RIGHT BACK HERE. And he ate it right up.

 

Thinking back, the only tiffs we've ever had, he's made a mountain out of a mole hill...always has me dumbfounded & scrambling to clean up the mess, but really he's trying to incite me to biatch it up. Holllly cow. I feel like I just struck oil. Wanna split the profits with me? LOL

 

wow. Well, if he's looking for a biatch, I'm def not it. Of course, he might be surprised at the biatch he encounters if he ever shows his face to me again, I'll tell ya what!

 

Hmmm...more details flooding back, this is so, so on the money. Pffft. starts with a p-, ends with a -ussy.

[starlight102]

No.... it is obvious you didn't care for her post, but it is not obvious she is bitter. It is typically a term thrown around here when AP don't like the some of the posts made by some of the posters.

 

You've got to be kidding me! LOL!!! This is the last time I'll even respond to your posts because it is obvious from reading your MANY posts here on this forum where you stand.

 

Have a great night!

[twinsmom]

I just have a question..and this is coming from a former OW..How do you guys know for sure what goes on, or what is said, or done, between MM and his wife?? Because he tells you so?? I am dumbfounded at the level of trust you have in what your MM tells you. I think I have to keep reiterating that I'm a former OW so you will take me seriously..Well, I am..For 3 1/2 years I was one, and I loved my MM every bit as much as you all do. But seriously..to put blanket trust in what he tells you has occurred with his wife?? What else would he tell you? I can imagine him telling you that he was miserable the whole holiday weekend, when the truth is probably that they were happily playing Santa together, or sharing a candlelight dinner, or SOMEthing that they happily shared together. Of course he won't tell you this! You would like to think that he was sitting at home miserably missing you, but I can bet that this wasn't the case. He is at home happily celebrating the holiday, and his wife is none the wiser, because she's been given a lovely present from her HUSBAND, and the kids are happily playing with their new toys. Then they'll probably go upstairs and make love, which happily married couples do. He will fleetingly think about you, but it will be very quick. He is where he wants to be, and where he is going to stay..Sorry to be harsh, but I believe it to be the truth..Been there, done that..still alone

[whichwayisup]

You've got to be kidding me! LOL!!! This is the last time I'll even respond to your posts because it is obvious from reading your MANY posts here on this forum where you stand.

 

Have a great night!

 

Ahh, yet another long time reader aka reborn LS member....

 

Bent is a caring and supportive person, harsh like many of us at times, but she is honest. If she didn't care she wouldn't be replying.. Instead of assuming one is bitter or you may think you know where she stands, why not take a step back and be abit more objective?

[whichwayisup]

I just have a question..and this is coming from a former OW..How do you guys know for sure what goes on, or what is said, or done, between MM and his wife?? Because he tells you so?? I am dumbfounded at the level of trust you have in what your MM tells you. I think I have to keep reiterating that I'm a former OW so you will take me seriously..Well, I am..For 3 1/2 years I was one, and I loved my MM every bit as much as you all do. But seriously..to put blanket trust in what he tells you has occurred with his wife?? What else would he tell you? I can imagine him telling you that he was miserable the whole holiday weekend, when the truth is probably that they were happily playing Santa together, or sharing a candlelight dinner, or SOMEthing that they happily shared together. Of course he won't tell you this! You would like to think that he was sitting at home miserably missing you, but I can bet that this wasn't the case. He is at home happily celebrating the holiday, and his wife is none the wiser, because she's been given a lovely present from her HUSBAND, and the kids are happily playing with their new toys. Then they'll probably go upstairs and make love, which happily married couples do. He will fleetingly think about you, but it will be very quick. He is where he wants to be, and where he is going to stay..Sorry to be harsh, but I believe it to be the truth..Been there, done that..still alone

 

It's good you posted this. Too many OW and OM believe what their MM and MW's say is good as gold, take them at their word.

[bentnotbroken]

For the record...I responded to the term "bitter". :sick: I have an issue with that term being used anytime someone doesn't agree with what the poster has said. To the OP, I am sorry for the tj as I didn't respond to your original post because I honestly didn't know what to say to you because (based on only my previous posts)you kind of know what I would say. I am a little sluggish from eating waaaayyy to much:o and it seems you got all the kicks in the pants you needed. Again, my apologies.

[bentnotbroken]

You've got to be kidding me! LOL!!! This is the last time I'll even respond to your posts because it is obvious from reading your MANY posts here on this forum where you stand.

 

Have a great night!

 

 

 

Thank you and I will have a great night. It makes me happy to know my stance is clear.

[twinsmom]

BNB, are you sure you haven't been imbibing tonight??! Just kidding...As I have said, I think you provide much valuable advice to this thread, as does WWUP...As a "former OW", I so wish I could hit some "OW's" upside the head! I will never go so far as calling myself a "reformed other woman", because I'm not, and frankly, I find those that label themselves as such to be intolerable sanctimonious asswipes..No names..Merry Christmas to everyone!