W...W...WTF just happened?

[starlight102]

so are you deciding again how people can post? haven't you beaten this to death already? Tony gets to decide, not you, not me, not former now banned members who have come back as a new member, etc.

 

Tony gets to make this call.

 

I'm not the one beating this to death, I am responding to posts that are directed toward me. I am stating MY opinion as have you and several others have stated your positions. Why is it that when an OW speaks up for herself, that there are some who cannot deal with it? Why all the animosity? We don't even know each other?? As I've said, I registered here because it's a support forum for OW/OM's. That was my reason for joining.

 

And no two persons experience the same feelings/emotions when they are in relationships. Maybe in your former relationship where you were cheated on, it was fine with you because you may believe that people can't be owned and a person should only be with someone because they want to, not because of a promise

 

That's exactly right -- no two persons are alike in a marriage or an EMR. Furthermore, I'm not here to get into a lenghty discussion about my former marriage. I mentioned that I was also in the position of a BS so I know what it feels like as well as what it feels like being the OW. It's apparent you are trying to get a rise out of me by talking about my former marriage; however, it won't work, and it's a waste of your time by writing such nonsense.

 

So if you didn't like HOW it was delivered, why did you use the word bitter?? Instead of name calling, why not just ignore BnB if you find her posts not to your liking?

 

I have not responded to any further posts from her nor do I intend to. It's a waste of my time. I'm not here to argue with someone who clearly cannot verbalize herself in a supportive manner, and no - I don't find her responses helpful or supportive. Again, that's MY opinion, and I am entitled to it as you are entitled to yours.

[bentnotbroken]

I have not responded to any further posts from her nor do I intend to. It's a waste of my time. I'm not here to argue with someone who clearly cannot verbalize herself in a supportive manner, and no - I don't find her responses helpful or supportive. Again, that's MY opinion, and I am entitled to it as you are entitled to yours.

 

 

I feel you on that. I understand not wanting to deal with someone who has the wherewithal to handle themselves through the immaturity of a limited vocabulary as well. Toddle loo.

[twinsmom]

Dang..had a little too much Christmas cheer last night. Apologies to anyone I might have offended. Tonight I'm back to my clear-headed rational self.

 

Carry on!

[redcurls]

An OW or OM has a right to be upset, feel hurt but to try to pull out all stops to try to get him/her to not go back to the marriage isn't right.

 

I wonder. Why isn't it right for a man or a woman to go after what they want? If the partner was single - would it be ok to pull all the stops to keep the relationship intact? A MM or MW absolutely have every right to change their mind and go back to their spouses, but I think OW or OM have every right to fight for what they want. Its not the OW or OM responsibility to "help" their AP break away.

[bentnotbroken]

I wonder. Why isn't it right for a man or a woman to go after what they want? If the partner was single - would it be ok to pull all the stops to keep the relationship intact? A MM or MW absolutely have every right to change their mind and go back to their spouses, but I think OW or OM have every right to fight for what they want. Its not the OW or OM responsibility to "help" their AP break away.

 

 

No it isn't up to the AP to help the WS break away. But is it right for the AP to try to keep the WS from holding their family together if that is what they choose instead of the affair? Unless what you want is the destruction of a family? We have had a few AP say they didn't care about "breaking" up the family...one recently. Is that what you are saying?

[whichwayisup]

I wonder. Why isn't it right for a man or a woman to go after what they want? If the partner was single - would it be ok to pull all the stops to keep the relationship intact? A MM or MW absolutely have every right to change their mind and go back to their spouses, but I think OW or OM have every right to fight for what they want. Its not the OW or OM responsibility to "help" their AP break away.

 

An affair doesn't have the same rules that a 'relationship' between two single people have. It just is and as much as some may disagree, an affair is different.

 

OK, so the OW or OM tries to fight for her/his MM or MW and the MM/MW tells them, it is over, please respect MY wishes and don't contact me, I've made MY choice and there isn't anything you can do to change my mind, why would one still pursue after being told that? Or something along those lines.

 

A MM isn't obligated to his OW, but he is with his wife and sometimes that obligation is strong and can pull him back in, willingly.

[redcurls]

Unless what you want is the destruction of a family? We have had a few AP say they didn't care about "breaking" up the family...one recently. Is that what you are saying?

 

Absolutely and categorically not. But I believe that its not the AP's responsibility to keep their MM or MW's family intact. Its entirely MM or MW's decision.

 

What I'm saying is that I believe that its right and quite frankly understandable if the AP pulls all the stops to keep the relationship going if this is they want. however the MM or MW decide to respond is entirely up to them.

 

I personally think that if MM or MW is absolutely convinced that they want to stay with their family, NOTHING the AP can say or do will change their minds.

[bentnotbroken]

Absolutely and categorically not. But I believe that its not the AP's responsibility to keep their MM or MW's family intact. Its entirely MM or MW's decision.

 

What I'm saying is that I believe that its right and quite frankly understandable if the AP pulls all the stops to keep the relationship going if this is they want. however the MM or MW decide to respond is entirely up to them.

 

I personally think that if MM or MW is absolutely convinced that they want to stay with their family, NOTHING the AP can say or do will change their minds.

 

 

I do understand better. Though I guess what are all the stops one should pull out for a MP to leave. And I completely agree with the bolded.

[Heather1]

Love is letting go...

[Woman In Blue]

Wow..for a brand new member with only 22 posts (at this count), Starlight sure seems to be extremely familiar with all the posters on LS - and in such a short, short time, too. I find it rather unusual that a brand new member is SO confrontational with the regular posters right out the gate, don't you?

 

Why, it's as though she's been doing this for a LOOOOONG time, or something.

[starlight102]

Wow..for a brand new member with only 22 posts (at this count), Starlight sure seems to be extremely familiar with all the posters on LS - and in such a short, short time, too. I find it rather unusual that a brand new member is SO confrontational with the regular posters right out the gate, don't you?

 

Why, it's as though she's been doing this for a LOOOOONG time, or something.

 

I'm not familiar with anyone here except through the MANY posts I've read and noticed a trend as to how some seem to respond. I stated my opinion and all h*ll broke loose when I used the word "bitter". Since then, it just seems to be escalating which is why I choose not to respond to certain posters here.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not familiar with anyone here except through the MANY posts I've read and noticed a trend as to how some seem to respond. I stated my opinion and all h*ll broke loose when I used the word "bitter". Since then, it just seems to be escalating which is why I choose not to respond to certain posters here.

 

Can I ask why after all this time you decided to join and post?

 

Love is letting go...

 

Healthy love, yes..I agree with you Heather. Not selfish love on the expense of an innocent family.

[redcurls]

Love is letting go. Really???

 

So if a BS loves their WS they should just let them go to their AP and not fight for them. Am I getting this right?

[whichwayisup]

Love is letting go. Really???

 

So if a BS loves their WS they should just let them go to their AP and not fight for them. Am I getting this right?

 

It's different when two people are married. I think heather was speaking of an OW who loves her MM, if she loves him enough, she'll let him go because of his choice to stay with his wife. Love is unselfish.

[redcurls]

I respectfully disagree. Love is love. Married or single. Yes, married people are obligated to each other. Absolutely. But call me selfish. I would never want a man who stays with me out of obligation. What a horrible way to live.

[starlight102]

To be perfectly honest, there are not many forums that are dedicated to supporting the OW. I have one friend that knows about my MM, but I was looking for another outlet to discuss the various issues and feelings that I sometimes find myself in, and I wanted to talk with others who are going through the same or similar things. Additionally, I found some of the responses to so many of the OW's to be so harsh I felt the need to say something.

[whichwayisup]

I respectfully disagree. Love is love. Married or single. Yes, married people are obligated to each other. Absolutely. But call me selfish. I would never want a man who stays with me out of obligation. What a horrible way to live.

 

If he changes his mind and comes back with love and intent to fix things, make the marriage better, it isn't out of obligation, all it means is the glue between him and his wife is strong enough and worth fighting for. If he is going back JUST out of obligation, that's different. But, most who do go back, have or have re found (is refound a word??) the love for his wife again..

[starlight102]

Can I ask why after all this time you decided to join and post?

 

 

 

Healthy love, yes..I agree with you Heather. Not selfish love on the expense of an innocent family.

 

To be perfectly honest, there are not many forums that are dedicated to supporting the OW. I have one friend that knows about my MM, but I was looking for another outlet to discuss the various issues and feelings that I sometimes find myself in, and I wanted to talk with others who are going through the same or similar things. Additionally, I found some of the responses to so many of the OW's to be so harsh I felt the need to say something.

[whichwayisup]

To be perfectly honest, there are not many forums that are dedicated to supporting the OW. I have one friend that knows about my MM, but I was looking for another outlet to discuss the various issues and feelings that I sometimes find myself in, and I wanted to talk with others who are going through the same or similar things. Additionally, I found some of the responses to so many of the OW's to be so harsh I felt the need to say something.

 

There are thousands and thousands of websites all over the world, I doubt very much LS is one of the only ones who have forums for OW/OM. Anyway, I do give harsh replies, but they are heartfelt and sometimes a well needed love tap on the butt. I've helped many OW's along the way and have had many PM's thanking me for my help too. There's a huge difference in reality checks and harsh vs being outright rude and name calling. Tony is pretty much on the ball when it comes to name calling and pissing matches, he deals with it quickly.

 

My suggestion is, focus on the replies which help you, but don't completely disreguard other advice. Sometimes one isn't ready to hear certain types of advice until they're ready.

[starlight102]

There are thousands and thousands of websites all over the world, I doubt very much LS is one of the only ones who have forums for OW/OM. Anyway, I do give harsh replies, but they are heartfelt and sometimes a well needed love tap on the butt. I've helped many OW's along the way and have had many PM's thanking me for my help too. There's a huge difference in reality checks and harsh vs being outright rude and name calling. Tony is pretty much on the ball when it comes to name calling and pissing matches, he deals with it quickly.

 

My suggestion is, focus on the replies which help you, but don't completely disreguard other advice. Sometimes one isn't ready to hear certain types of advice until they're ready.

 

Good advice. Thank you!!

[redcurls]

If he changes his mind and comes back with love and intent to fix things, make the marriage better, it isn't out of obligation, all it means is the glue between him and his wife is strong enough and worth fighting for. If he is going back JUST out of obligation, that's different. But, most who do go back, have or have re found (is refound a word??) the love for his wife again..

 

Love is such an elusive thing to define, don't you think? For me, once I fall out of love - there is no way for a person to be "re-loved" (this is good! We are coming up with a new language! Refound. Relove. Great!)

 

XMM kept telling me over and over why what we were doing was wrong. How much he wanted to do the right thing. How he couldn't live with the duplicity. How he wanted to forget he was ever involved in an affair. Etc. Never. Not even once in over a year did he say "we should stop because I love my wife." And, man, was he adamant that we were over! Right. Untill I said "I need you" last week. And he came running.

[Fieldsofgold]

Love is such an elusive thing to define, don't you think? For me, once I fall out of love - there is no way for a person to be "re-loved" (this is good! We are coming up with a new language! Refound. Relove. Great!)

 

XMM kept telling me over and over why what we were doing was wrong. How much he wanted to do the right thing. How he couldn't live with the duplicity. How he wanted to forget he was ever involved in an affair. Etc. Never. Not even once in over a year did he say "we should stop because I love my wife." And, man, was he adamant that we were over! Right. Untill I said "I need you" last week. And he came running.

 

Are you back together? Or was it a momentary thing? (I've missed some days reading.)

[BB07]

Love is such an elusive thing to define, don't you think? For me, once I fall out of love - there is no way for a person to be "re-loved" (this is good! We are coming up with a new language! Refound. Relove. Great!)

 

XMM kept telling me over and over why what we were doing was wrong. How much he wanted to do the right thing. How he couldn't live with the duplicity. How he wanted to forget he was ever involved in an affair. Etc. Never. Not even once in over a year did he say "we should stop because I love my wife." And, man, was he adamant that we were over! Right. Untill I said "I need you" last week. And he came running.

 

Maybe I'm dense but I don't understand why you seem to be putting so much weight on the fact that he didn't say "we should stop because I love my wife"............hell-o, now how many mm are going to tell the OW they do love their wife???

 

Also.........what is the big deal about he came running? Is something different? Do you feel like you are winning the prize?

[Heather1]

Maybe I'm dense but I don't understand why you seem to be putting so much weight on the fact that he didn't say "we should stop because I love my wife"............hell-o, now how many mm are going to tell the OW they do love their wife???

 

Gulp...mine did. Leave it to me to have the LT, loveless A.

 

So what happened to the original poster? She OK?

[KarmasTestDummy]

No it isn't up to the AP to help the WS break away. But is it right for the AP to try to keep the WS from holding their family together if that is what they choose instead of the affair? Unless what you want is the destruction of a family? We have had a few AP say they didn't care about "breaking" up the family...one recently. Is that what you are saying?

 

I kinda feel this isn't one in the same. I want mm to get a divorce, so I guess yes in a sense I am cheering for his family to breakup ( by his choice though, not at my persistence) BUT if and when he says he wants to make it work and doesn't want to continue the A, I will bow out as graciously as humanly possible and pretend that I never existed to him. This has actually already happened once, where W asked him to give her a fair chance. He felt he owed it to her and their kids. I said nothing more than I understand, good luck, have a nice life. He came rushing back to me, I never even fathomed breaking nc and trying to persuade him. I would do the same if it were to happen again, though I'm certain I'd be far less forgiving if he were to try and and come back after a second time though.