Love hate relationship...

[panthera_tigris]

Hi. I've decided to start an account on here to try talking to you guys, as the issues I am coping with are ones that I feel comfortable only opening up about anonymously.

 

So, let me tell you about my situation.

 

Basically, before I met my boyfriend of almost two years now, I liked the occasional party, would drink and smoke marijuana, but had never delved into anything harder than that.

 

After a while of us being together, maybe a few months, he asked me if I would be comfortable with trying some cocaine, and as I was in a bit of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my pants phase, where I was craving living on the edge and experiencing new things, I agreed. I was a bit nervous about it, but just went for it, and actually enjoyed it (surprise, surprise).

 

Well, what I thought was going to be an occasional thing, or maybe even one-time, quickly became a weekly habit when possible. Every weekend that we spent together and were in a situation that we were able to do some, we did. Experimented with some mdma along the way, but that was very short term and it was back to cocaine.

 

Now, since we first got together, I feel that we've developed a serious, affectionate relationship. However, my love affair with the white powder comes and goes, although given the chance to do it, I rarely if ever say no. Even if I've become reluctant about it between the last use and this time.

 

I feel that it has become a problem in my life, and in my relationship. Although, it was probably a serious problem in the relationship from the get-go, but with some maturing and self-discovery, that problem has only relatively recently become a focal point.

 

Sometimes we argue over it. For example, I will have to work the next day but he will be going onto a night shift at work or just have the weekend off and I feel like, if anything, we should only do it when we both have a weekend off together and both feel up to it.

 

He'll use the excuse, "I'm going onto night shift and need to stay up all night to help adjust my schedule", and I once snapped at him "Well, how does everyone else on your rotating schedule adjust to the shift change?!" and he said "A lot of them do lines", to which I responded sarcastically "Man, I want a job where I have to do cocaine to keep up with it". But while part of me was angry at the possible weekend dependency on the drug, another part of me was just pissed off about the fact that he would be doing it, and I wouldn't be. I never feel the need to do it during the week when I am by myself and busy with my full time job, but if he's around and planning on doing some, I get really irritated at the thought that I won't be included... It's like I start craving it at that point.

 

I feel like I don't have much of a problem for the most part, when I am just going about my daily life, other than the fact that I feel like I have some kind of dark secret hanging over me when I associate with people who have no idea that I am a weekend user. Which is basically everyone who I know, except for those who do the drug with us on occasion. However, as soon as I know that my boyfriend will have access to it, especially if he plans on doing any in front of me, I get extremely snappy. Partially because I know deep down that even though we're maintaining our jobs and lives and only doing it when the weekend comes around, it is still not a good thing. And partially because I feel its call.

 

Now, our relationship does not revolve entirely around the ****, or even close. We are both involved with one another's families, he's stuck with me through and helped me out with a lot of personal living-situation dilemmas over the course of our relationship. We are in love. But I just can't help but feel like the drug use is impeding our relationship. And if I am honest about it, I think that we do look forward to enjoying it together, and have come to somewhat associate one another with its use.

 

I don't even know exactly what kind of answers I am looking for from you people. Maybe I just need to vent a bit... But any input would be valued.

 

Maybe you could ask me some questions and help me to pinpoint what this is all about?

[panthera_tigris]

I think that what I'm getting at is, I know that cocaine use is a problem for us both. And I know that deep down, he wishes that he could get away from it. But he's been doing it every weekend possible for a long time, before we even met from what I know. And with my own inability to say no to it most times, and the fact that I am so up in the air about how I feel about it, combined with everything else, I feel like I am not even in a position that I could stop it from being a part of our relationship. I don't know how I would really get through to him should I decide once and for all that I've had enough... But I really care about him, and I know I'd be happy to be with him without us doing the stuff.

 

It's hard to even pinpoint how it negatively affects him. I mean, he's kind of irritable sometimes, and moody... But that could just be his personality and not a negative affect of the drug?

 

He does spend more than he can really afford on the stuff. He wants to pay off his debt and look into getting a mortgage so that he can move out of his parents basement but spending all kinds of money on electronics and partying isn't exactly speeding things along. Gah.

 

I just want to be happy.

 

 

Part of me feels like I am afraid that if I decide once and for all that I want to stop, and he isn't on the same page when I decide, I will lose him. Part of me wants to just keep doing the stuff, and feels left out when he decides to go ahead with it without me. And I feel so selfish and stupid for that.

 

I wonder about whether how I have become lately is due to the drug's side effects, or just because of certain negativity and not feeling cared for all the time in our relationship, or just being unhappy with where I'm at in life and feeling trapped and lost... I used to be very happy go lucky, bubbly, optimistic... I have become somewhat moody, go through these wicked depressions although they're not as bad as they were for awhile, but when they hit I just can't stop crying and hate everything about my life. I have a decreased ability to focus and apparently come off as quite the scatter brain. A friend I've had for years told me "You just don't ever seem to be that happy anymore... You're no longer that shining ball of light."

 

I think honestly that if we were to somehow come to a mutual agreement to quit using, that things could work out. Because we really do care about each other. But it would take that mutual decision, and I don't know if it is going to happen. Like I said, we do have a good relationship for the most part outside of the drugs. But if nothing changes, I know that in order for things to not go up in flames we will both have to continue using. And if I am completely fed up with it, I am going to need to walk away from him, and from it all.

 

I really do want to give this a fair chance to work out. And I care about him.

 

Just don't know what to do...

Edited December 26, 2010 by panthera_tigris

[sugarmomma]

You really do know what you need to do, now whether you will do it or not is another story.

1. Stop using cocaine (get help if you can't stop on your own)

2. Get rid of him since he is the one that got you addicted to the crap. Someone who loves you would never introduce you to such a devastating drug.

 

 

I know it sounds simple but I know its not easy. You and this guy are headed down a path that you don't want to go. Cocaine will take you to some very dark places.

[Confused728]

Panthera.. I would like you to read this thread.. I had a break up over drugs.. or so i think, read it and let me know your take.. i would love ur opinion

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=206477