For those of looking for love.

[shayan]

Stop, stop searching for love. Love is something you as a human by nature of your very being deserve and can have, but it is usually not something which comes when we are desperately seeking it. Ask almost any person and they'll tell you that they found true love in situations in which their expectations were the least. Furthermore, they'll tell you that when they were desperate they found all the wrong people.

 

Recent psychological studies have shown that people who have a positive self image are much more likely to find love, or better put have love come to them. So you if you want to increase your chances of finding love them start to love and enjoy who you are as a person, that's how self confidence is built. Wayne Dyer a famous spiritual teacher is qouted saying, "you only feel alone, if you don't like the person you're alone with."

 

Shift your focus from finding love to giving love to yourself. Many of you will find this an abstract concept "loving oneself." But, all it takes is spending some time with yourself and acquainting yourself with who you are, and accepting and allowing and embracing. Once you begin to make this shift and stop worrying about finding love it will come to you. Because how we think is what we bring into our lives. Once you yourself become love that light will shine and others will be attracted to it, and they will come it will natural this is for men and women. Why do you think confident people are so damn attractive?

 

I myself personally am 22 years old, I've dated alot and been in two somewhat serious relationships. I found however, that both of my past relationships came out of desperatism. I even did end up falling crazily in love but they weren't healthy sustainable relationships they brought me wonderful lessons though which have led to this message I'm sharing with you tonight. Finally I've begun to love myself and build my confidence and truly embrace who I am, and girls who I like and am into are showing up into my life and I'm approaching them cause I have the self confidence to do it.

 

What I am telling you here is give up on trying to capture love, stop trying so hard, or worrying so hard, don't make it a chore. Focus on giving love to yourself and building your confidence and enjoying your life just for the fact of enjoying your life.I promise you once you make this shift the girls that use to ellude you, the men who would never approach will begin to come to you, because you yourself will become love.

 

Please heed this advice for I find this is one of the biggest things missing in people's awareness when they are not in a relationship. And respond to this share your insight or comments or criticisms so as to keep this post alive for others to read. And I know there are plenty of grammatical errors in this message because I didn't bother editing it and apoligize in advance.

Edited December 26, 2010 by shayan

[industrie]

I find what you have written to be very true, i dont go looking for love anymore. I wait until somthing happens for me to get the urge to do somthing about it.

 

I will say after the last serious relationship i was in. I did learn alot about myself and what i was willing to do to be with her, eample, driving 30min to see her, driving out to be with her freinds and family.

 

I will addmit when we did break up, i started to hate the things i did enjoy, like work, playing video games and going out to see my own freinds. I do have that self confidence to make myself happy, but get realy lonely and feel left out, when i go out with mates and family etc, when im the only single person there.

 

 

One thing i do hate about myself is that i smoke, When i was seeing her, i was going through a pack every 4 days. And then i was never having that urge to have a smoke. When she broke up with me, because she said she never realy had the same feelings for me "Note she did this via a text" I just held it all in. And relived my stress in smoking, which then went upto about a pack per day.

 

I broke down last week in after 3 months after being with her, cause things just became to much for my brain and self to handle, only recently i have found someone who i realy like. And i know she would never do anything like she did to hurt me like that.

 

I have embraced who i am, and am enjoying life as much as possible, but feel there is a huge empty gap in my life.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I echo the above, but only because I've been saying much the same thing ever since I joined.

 

But who wants to hear that kind of advice from a happy, fulfilled, Contented Buddha-chick when their own heart is in pieces...?

 

Great posts.

 

*Thumbs-up*

[industrie]

Well, I echo the above, but only because I've been saying much the same thing ever since I joined.

 

But who wants to hear that kind of advice from a happy, fulfilled, Contented Buddha-chick when their own heart is in pieces...?

 

Great posts.

 

*Thumbs-up*

 

 

I would love to hear what yu have to say, i am finding this site to be very helpful. And a massive help to my personal life at the momment.

[Disillusioned]

Recent psychological studies have shown that people who have a positive self image are much more likely to find love, or better put have love come to them.

 

*snip*

 

What I am telling you here is give up on trying to capture love, stop trying so hard, or worrying so hard, don't make it a chore. Focus on giving love to yourself and building your confidence and enjoying your life just for the fact of enjoying your life.I promise you once you make this shift the girls that use to ellude you, the men who would never approach will begin to come to you, because you yourself will become love.

 

So... you're saying once I get my property cleaned up and start making sales with my woodworking, some woman sitting in her apartment across town is going to use her ESP to sniff me out while I'm sawing up boards in my yard?

 

BTW the part about loving myself sounds like narcissistic arrogance.

[TaraMaiden]

So... you're saying once I get my property cleaned up and start making sales with my woodworking, some woman sitting in her apartment across town is going to use her ESP to sniff me out while I'm sawing up boards in my yard?

You don't have to go that far.

Just be content with who you are, and be nice to people with no agenda and no expectations.

It works like a charm.

Be nice wherever possible.

And it's always possible.

As Gandhi said, "we cannot all be great, but we can all be good."

 

BTW the part about loving myself sounds like narcissistic arrogance.

Ah.

you don 't get it, do you?

 

Loving yourself means knowing that you are no better, nor any worse than anyone else, and nobody else is any better or worse than you are.

People make dumb decisions, say dumb things and do dumb things.

That doesn't make them who they are.

 

There is nothing narcissistic about viewing the person you are, realising your faults/defects/drawbacks, and as such, deciding whether you want to work on them, in an effort to "improve" yourself, for your own benefit, but at the same time, accepting who you are, applauding your achievements and being happy with yourself to the extent that if you're alone, it's perfectly ok to be alone, because your contentment, peace and general happiness should NEVER be dependent on the presence of a Significant Other.

[january2010]

Loving yourself means knowing that you are no better, nor any worse than anyone else, and nobody else is any better or worse than you are.

People make dumb decisions, say dumb things and do dumb things.

That doesn't make them who they are.

 

There is nothing narcissistic about viewing the person you are, realising your faults/defects/drawbacks, and as such, deciding whether you want to work on them, in an effort to "improve" yourself, for your own benefit, but at the same time, accepting who you are, applauding your achievements and being happy with yourself to the extent that if you're alone, it's perfectly ok to be alone, because your contentment, peace and general happiness should NEVER be dependent on the presence of a Significant Other.

 

I like this explanation

[Disillusioned]

Like, groovy.

 

Peace, dude!

[TaraMaiden]

Dudess.

[TaraMaiden]

Of course, you can mock all you like, and remain in the deluded state of mind that this is all hippy 60's mush.

But in fact, if you were to take off your cynic-mask, and actually look at the statement in a logical light, you'd see it actually makes a lot of sense.

Unfortunately, people resist logical, simple solutions, and insist that "things aren't that simple at all" whereas in fact, actually, they really are.

Your choice, and that's fine.

But if it works so well, maybe giving it a try wouldn't be so bad....

Would it?

[shayan]

wow I couldn't have said it better myself. Loving oneself is in no way conceited or a statement that you are any better than anyone else. In fact, once you learn to love yourself just for your own very being you will find that all others have this quality about them. And then you will find it easier to love others as well. We are all equal no one is special, because we are all special by nature.

 

believe me though if you believe that good relationships come and true love comes before you learn to honor and love yourself you have some lessons coming your way.

 

and please continue with the comments, critiscisms, concerns.

 

Industrie I send you my warmest counsel during this time of break up. This void that you feel, means you still need to mourn and let go of some baggage, try to replace it with self love. Good luck yeah, and I'm glad you found a nice girl who likes you already give her a chance too, don't let the past blur it up for you.

 

tara thank you for the help

Edited December 26, 2010 by shayan

[Yer_Blues]

Of course, you can mock all you like, and remain in the deluded state of mind that this is all hippy 60's mush.

But in fact, if you were to take off your cynic-mask, and actually look at the statement in a logical light, you'd see it actually makes a lot of sense.

Unfortunately, people resist logical, simple solutions, and insist that "things aren't that simple at all" whereas in fact, actually, they really are.

Your choice, and that's fine.

But if it works so well, maybe giving it a try wouldn't be so bad....

Would it?

I am a person who has spent a great deal of time battling depression, and these thoughts that are being presented here are roughly similar to those that help me deal with it. I was raised Catholic, and all of the implications of guilt and sin always seemed counterintuitive and unnatural

 

On the other hand, traditionally eastern thought, I find to be quite logical and sensible. It fits in with the way that I view the world and with what I have learned about it through experience and academics. It embraces and integrates the relativity and complexity of the human experience and assigns "worth" to people in a far healthier, more accurate way. I'm not an expert on it by any means, but most of what I find to be true seems to fall in line with it.

 

I recommend anybody who hasn't deeply read Friedrich Nietzsche to do so as well. It's not religious, doesn't have a large cultural factor, and still presents ideas that are radical and eye opening to those living in western cultures.

[shayan]

Nietzsche has some amazing ideas especially about re-appropriating one's past. And yeah guilt and shame are not exactly the ways to healing and growing in fact often they keep us stuck in the past and weaken us.

[Disillusioned]

It doesn't work.

[shayan]

Dillisioned what you don't realize is it isn't about something working or you being attractive. It's about you actually enjoying your life and being confident with who you are the rest follows. And this sort of change takes time and effort confident people aren't just born they go through lot's of **** to become who they are.

[Yer_Blues]

My only concern is whether or not being equal or equivalent to all humans is automatically comforting. Sure, it's comforting not to worry about external factors as defining you or your happiness, but what if you simply aren't happy as yourself? What if you wouldn't be happy as anybody?

 

Given the daily, menial tasks and emotions of life, what if a person simply doesn't find the excitement or joy in it that other people do. Even if you have everything you "want".

 

If a person sees no meaning to life and does not enjoy life, why should one continue living? How do they simply become confident or happy by decision?

[TaraMaiden]

It doesn't work.

 

No, of course it doesn't.

nearly 3000 years' worth of this way of thinking is completely wrong, and you, with three little words have just revealed its flaw.

How could people be so mistaken?

Thanks so much for pointing that out, well done you.

 

[Yer_Blues]

No, of course it doesn't.

nearly 3000 years' worth of this way of thinking is completely wrong, and you, with three little words have just revealed its flaw.

How could people be so mistaken?

Thanks so much for pointing that out, well done you.

 

I don't think you can say it works or does not work because of how abstract it is. Don't get me wrong, I love the concepts, but I can't implement them because there is no implementation path given. You don't read these ideas and just start "loving yourself".

 

If everything in life is programmed by external factors and reinforcement, how does one simply decide against external validation? Even if it is quite obvious that external factors are largely out of one's control and do not define a person?

 

And are you telling me that people who have successfully accomplished the transition to this mindset, such as the OP claims, simply don't care about compliments and criticism? You really want me to believe that you don't want people to laugh at your jokes or respect your work or desire your company?

[Disillusioned]

Dillisioned what you don't realize is it isn't about something working or you being attractive. It's about you actually enjoying your life and being confident with who you are the rest follows. And this sort of change takes time and effort confident people aren't just born they go through lot's of **** to become who they are.

 

What I realize is that enjoying my life and doing what I want to do is about being happy... without someone else in my life to mess it up and get their kicks by withholding niceness.

 

I'm at that age when the first batch of women in my age group are entering the twilight of their game-playing streaks and they're beginning to realize it doesn't pay anymore to string men along. Some will hold out until their 80s, but generally the mid-40s is when it starts. They are afraid of the ravages of old age; I welcome old age because it will be my turn to be un-nice and push women away.

[TaraMaiden]

My only concern is whether or not being equal or equivalent to all humans is automatically comforting. Sure, it's comforting not to worry about external factors as defining you or your happiness, but what if you simply aren't happy as yourself? What if you wouldn't be happy as anybody?

The question is, why would that be?

What is it that is keeping you unhappy?

That is what you should be asking yourself.

it's not a question of comparison.

It's a question of understanding.

 

Given the daily, menial tasks and emotions of life, what if a person simply doesn't find the excitement or joy in it that other people do. Even if you have everything you "want".

Who says there has to be joy and excitement? Why not simply begin with acceptance and dedication?

And what have you put the word 'want' in inverted commas for?

What's your point, there?

 

If a person sees no meaning to life and does not enjoy life, why should one continue living? How do they simply become confident or happy by decision?

Because it's that simple.

Why do so many people believe that Life has to have 'meaning'?

Is the fact that you are a walking miracle, not sufficient reason?

 

Happiness IS a conscious decision.

If you have a problem, and you have a solution, there's no point in worrying about it.

If you have a problem and you have no solution, there's no use in worrying about it.

 

A Chinese saying goes:

"That the bird of stress and suffering flies around your head; that you cannot prevent.

That he builds a nest in your hair; this you can prevent."

 

It's choice.

 

It IS a choice.

And it IS that simple.

[Yer_Blues]

What I realize is that enjoying my life and doing what I want to do is about being happy... without someone else in my life to mess it up and get their kicks by withholding niceness.

 

I'm at that age when the first batch of women in my age group are entering the twilight of their game-playing streaks and they're beginning to realize it doesn't pay anymore to string men along. Some will hold out until their 80s, but generally the mid-40s is when it starts. They are afraid of the ravages of old age; I welcome old age because it will be my turn to be un-nice and push women away.

You assume other people are out to mess up your life and treat you poorly. you have obviously suffered from this at some point.

 

You, however, also want to cause other people suffering, despite the fact that you know what it is like. This means you either value OTHER people less than you value yourself.

 

If you say that you value people equally, that simply means you don't have much self-esteem, which would be what the OP is trying to address. If you do not value people as you value yourself or use all sorts of external measures to do so, than you have really never adopted the viewpoints in the OP and cannot make a claim to its efficacy.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't think you can say it works or does not work because of how abstract it is. Don't get me wrong, I love the concepts, but I can't implement them because there is no implementation path given. You don't read these ideas and just start "loving yourself".

You want pointers?

I can give you pointers....

 

If everything in life is programmed by external factors and reinforcement, how does one simply decide against external validation? Even if it is quite obvious that external factors are largely out of one's control and do not define a person?

Nothing in Life is programmed by external factors and reinforcement.

Everything in Life is programmed by your perception and evaluation of external factors and reinforcement.

Matters may be beyond your control. But how you view them and digest them, is entirely under your control.

 

And are you telling me that people who have successfully accomplished the transition to this mindset, such as the OP claims, simply don't care about compliments and criticism? You really want me to believe that you don't want people to laugh at your jokes or respect your work or desire your company?

No, I'm as human as anyone else, of course I like these things.

but they don't define my emotions, or establish my mindset.

I do that.

 

Do you laugh at my jokes? ok, it will pass.

Do you not laugh at my jokes? Ok, it will pass.

 

I have no desire for people to respect my work.

If people respect anything, they respect how I work. And if they don't, that's up to them. I can't make anybody respect anything about me, that's for them to decide. I can only do my best, to honour my own work ethic.

And actually, people seek out my company for the very reasons I have outlined.

Because I practice what I preach.

I live by my signature....

Truly I do.

Make of that, whatever you will.

[Yer_Blues]

Who says there has to be joy and excitement? Why not simply begin with acceptance and dedication?

And what have you put the word 'want' in inverted commas for?

What's your point, there?

Because it's that simple.

Why do so many people believe that Life has to have 'meaning'?

Is the fact that you are a walking miracle, not sufficient reason?

Want and meaning are connected heavily in my thinking here. Most people who don't believe in an afterlife want to lead happy lives. In order to lead a happy life, I argue that you need to have a desire to live life first. I'll give in to the idea that different people can find different emotions given various external circumstances and situations. But what about people who simply can't find happiness in any situation?

 

I think you have to have a goal, a desire, or some level of meaning for happiness to be possible. This is why so many people fall for religion, because it provides it. If i simply accept the condition that life is meaningless, as you suggest, that simply leaves unhappiness. This seems analogous with Nietzsche's idea of hardening oneself in response to the nihilism provided by the death of god. He sees this as life affirming, and somehow concludes that because of this, it is the appropriate response. Giving in to what you cannot control or giving up on trying to change it does NOT automatically make you happy. Surely everyone can think of an example where they tolerated a person's presence. This is much different than ENJOYING a person's presence. Why should a person tolerate life if they cannot enjoy life?

 

Suffering is generally regarded as something to be avoided. If there is no prospects for happiness, given a unique combination of DESIRES and CIRCUMSTANCES, why is acceptance and dedication the better option than say, suicide?

Edited December 26, 2010 by Yer_Blues

[Disillusioned]

that simply means you don't have much self-esteem

 

If I didn't, I would have committed suicide decades ago! You can neither baffle me with brilliance, nor befuddle me with BS. I'm happy with the way my life is going nowadays, so trying to rip me down won't have the desired effect. Booeffinghoo!

[Yer_Blues]

Nothing in Life is programmed by external factors and reinforcement.

Everything in Life is programmed by your perception and evaluation of external factors and reinforcement.

Matters may be beyond your control. But how you view them and digest them, is entirely under your control.

I'll give you that. Again though, I disagree with the idea that you can forcibly change your perception of things. It's largely determined by things you can't change about yourself.

 

No, I'm as human as anyone else, of course I like these things.

but they don't define my emotions, or establish my mindset.

I do that.

 

Do you laugh at my jokes? ok, it will pass.

Do you not laugh at my jokes? Ok, it will pass.

This is my goal. I associate it with will. It's very respectable. I'm engaging you on an academic level in hopes that a person who has a better understanding or implementation of such thoughts can challenge some opposition.

 

Let me present a new angle: Western life is really boring. Like, extremely boring. In the lack of a goal, or in a lack of purpose, I find nothing but boredom/resignation. I've never replaced my loss of faith.