husband cheated and now I'm hurting and don't know what's next

[dreamingoftigers]

In a year, you'll be all like: *facepalm* "I was worried about telling his parents (who he lied about me to) how he got someone else pregnant? Dude was an *******!"

[in pain]

I slept alone for the first time in this house last night. Didn't feel so good. I slept on he couch, couldn't get myself to sleep in "our" bed. I've got this terrible feeling in my stomach much like the night I found out he was cheating, I'm shaking. What is this?

[dreamingoftigers]

It is trauma, your world has been turned upside down. You are going to be experiencing it for a lllooonnnggg time unless you get yourself into some trauma therapy.

 

Find a local EMDR practitioner, EMDR is a miracle. Seriously worth.every.penny.

 

Find yourself a support group too. And chances are you've been pretty isolated, get some friendships off the ground again.

 

I was wondering if I would see you post again, I figured you would be sleeping like ****. I totally relate to the "our bed" thing. Get rid of it and get yourself another bed. Get one off of kijiji if you have to. Just get one, that feeling won't go away.

[freestyle]

Just so you know, In Pain..........

 

It's absolutely NORMAL to show signs of PTSD after experiencing a betrayal of this magnitude.

 

It doesn't mean that you're crazy, unstable, etc.

 

What happened to you is not something you can shrug off--you were betrayed by not one, but two people who you trusted implicitly. And being betrayed by a close female friend can be just as painful and damaging as being betrayed by a spouse.

 

You just got hit by both at once.You're going to be on a rollercoaster for a while-you're going to feel a sense of non-reality--you're going to feel an urge to crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head. You're going to go through all the stages of grief.........It's normal.

 

And as far as I'm concerned, his parents have every right to know that they have a grandchild on the way. I still can't believe that your WH had the gall to falsely defame your character to them ----for HIS atrocious behavior.They're not going to be very happy when they found out he lied to them.

[in pain]

i still have this dreaded feeling at the pit my stomach. Right now I'm just trying to breath in deeply (Think it helps).

 

I have to be at work tomorrow, I've already missed a couple of days, do i tell them what is going on or do I pretend to be sick. I know I'm going to feel embarrassed telling them, so do you think i should?

 

I thought we were happy and so did everyone else, I'm not prepared to answer all those questions to my colleagues. I'm scared...

[Distant78]

i still have this dreaded feeling at the pit my stomach. Right now I'm just trying to breath in deeply (Think it helps).

 

I have to be at work tomorrow, I've already missed a couple of days, do i tell them what is going on or do I pretend to be sick. I know I'm going to feel embarrassed telling them, so do you think i should?

 

I thought we were happy and so did everyone else, I'm not prepared to answer all those questions to my colleagues. I'm scared...

 

You don't have to tell them about your personal life. You're a grown woman and you've just recently found out your husband is not the person you thought he was. You don't have to answer to them. Just tell them you didn't feel good and keep it moving, and they should respect that.

[dreamingoftigers]

i still have this dreaded feeling at the pit my stomach. Right now I'm just trying to breath in deeply (Think it helps).

 

I have to be at work tomorrow, I've already missed a couple of days, do i tell them what is going on or do I pretend to be sick. I know I'm going to feel embarrassed telling them, so do you think i should?

 

I thought we were happy and so did everyone else, I'm not prepared to answer all those questions to my colleagues. I'm scared...

 

I would tell them, they would be understanding, it is a rare circumstance and a very heavy one.

[in pain]

I'm now here at work and as much as I'd like to bury my head in my work so I don't think of my life, I'm distracted and this causes me to make mistakes with my work.

[ComputerJock]

in pain: When my wife suddenly died I felt immense pain, a loss that tore out my heart. I went home and started tearing up all the furnitue and taking it to the dump until the house was bare. Then I felt so much anger that she could die on me I amost gave away the house. It's been five years now and there are days when I still feel the pain but it has numbed over time. Your pain will become numb as mine did. I found other things to think about and do, at 60 years old I bought a motorcycle and started to ride. I went on long trips. I drank too much, but was lucky my friends bought it to my attention and with their help quit. Now I don't drink, I work out 3-4 times a week, and have close friends to be with when I am down in the dumps. It's going to hurt, your going to get angry, you're going to think you'll never love again, but time does heal. The scab over the wound will someday turn into a scar.

[in pain]

in pain: When my wife suddenly died I felt immense pain, a loss that tore out my heart..... It's going to hurt, your going to get angry, you're going to think you'll never love again, but time does heal. The scab over the wound will someday turn into a scar.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's passing. I feel so much dissapointment at him and at myself. I feel I was so blind to what was happening around me. You are right, I feel pain and anger and I miss him so much. Missing him in itself makes me feel weak, and stupid. It hurts admitting this.

 

I keep on looking at the phone hoping he'll call. I want to feel like I at the least meant something to him even if it wasn't much.

[redtail]

...

I want to feel like I at the least meant something to him even if it wasn't much.

 

I want you to know, you're doing the right thing, do not question it and do not look back. When I divorced my cheating wife, a counselor told me that in my situation, treat the divorce like a taking off a band-aid, do it quickly!

 

You have to know, there are better days ahead, I've been there. A year from now, when he is out of your life and you have a new life, you'll be thankful you took care of yourself by leaving this toxic relationship behind. It was hard for me to understand that at the time, I too wanted to hang on, but I am SO glad I didn't and moved on.

 

Acknowledge your pain, it is real because you are real! And yes, he is a sh**head because he wasn't real and did not keep his promises like you did. Throw out the trash, move on and thrive!!

 

Best of luck to you!

[Linda9999]

I am so very sorry this is happening to you

 

I remember the first few days back at work after I found out my husband was cheating. I was in a fog. I told everyone what he did - I was PISSED at him right from the get go and wanted the whole world to know what a scumbag he was.

 

I found out on a Saturday, kicked him out the same day, and had to work Monday. I did what had to be done at work, but it was hard. And going home every night to no 'him' was hard too. As furious as I was, I still missed him.

 

I did a lot of writing things down the first weeks. For myself, but also to him. We have ended up back together and things are good now, but we didn't speak except via email for over two months. We lived apart for five months.

 

I really suggest you see a counselor. You probably have PTSD (I know I still do). They'll be able to help you recognize the stages of grief in yourself and what you need for yourself to work through things.

[in pain]

I know I'm not supposed to feel this way but I found out today that when I kicked him out of the house he went and is staying with her....That caused so many emotions in me and to sum it up, I cried like a baby. They are a couple now. I didn't/don't have any hopes of us ever being together again but moving in already????

[imagine]

The good news is that these fairy tale affairs do not last. Do you want to wait?

[in pain]

Hi Imagine. If you mean wait for him, NO, he caused enough pain and someone that does that has no heart. It just hurts, a lot. I feel empty and lonely. I have for a long time. Part of me just wishes he had some sort of remorse, but there isn't any and that kills me inside.

 

I want him out of my life and he is and I have no intentions of ever being with him. The man humiliated me and put me through this unimaginable pain I'm in right now.

 

What I need to do is to concentrate one me and fix me. It's just hard though, very hard. I'm forgetting things, can't think straight, crying all the time at a drop of a hurt, trying to rationalize what just happened, hoping it is all a dream that I'll wake up tomorrow, I'm having panic attacks and find it difficult to be around people at this point.

 

I made an appointment for counseling Tomorrow, hope I get help there.

[whichwayisup]

Put you first and when you have the strength and desire, talk to a lawyer, protect yourself.

 

Glad to hear you're going to go talk to a counsellor.

 

Right now he's in a total affair fog and eventually that will wear off, maybe sooner than you think once the truth comes out and more people find out (family, friends, neighbours), his happy bubble that is based on affair feelings and not real life, will more than likely burst as time goes on..

 

Sorry for your pain.

[in pain]

From what H has done I feel like he was never in love with me at all. It just feels too calculated and evil if I can call it that.

[BenThereDunThat]

Maybe it will help your recovery process to keep reminding yourself just how much "fun" his life is going to be in about 9 months.

 

I hate that it has to involve an innocent baby, but the OW is going to find out just what a stand-up guy she landed herself after the sweet little bundle o' responsibility arrives.

 

What a jerk.

[in pain]

So here's what happened since I last posted. He came to me and told me everything (I mean everything), even things that had nothing to do with the A. He even called her and asked her to meet the both of us which she did and he told her that he want's to make things right with me.

 

The problem is that I'm not so sure what to do now.

 

Any opinions out there?

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's passing. I feel so much dissapointment at him and at myself. I feel I was so blind to what was happening around me. You are right, I feel pain and anger and I miss him so much. Missing him in itself makes me feel weak, and stupid. It hurts admitting this.

 

I keep on looking at the phone hoping he'll call. I want to feel like I at the least meant something to him even if it wasn't much.

 

Guess what? He is the type of cheater that is completely out of touch with your feelings because he doesn't know his own. No kidding.

 

To be so callous he is not being honest with himself and doesn't know where to start aside from dishing out blame and trying to avoid conflict.

 

He will ignore this for as long as he can because he knows he has done very very wrong. Right now he is trying to blame you, blame his parents (I would put money on this). When your divorce is finalized he will probably blame OW and maybe even baby. He has no sense of responsibility and therefore isn't going to take any and try to help you heal unless the impulse strikes him to do so.

 

I am very very willing to bet a sizeable chunk of my life's savings ($6.00, take it or leave it) that he was the type of husband who did things when it suited his fancy and not otherwise unless he made a whiny, snitty stink about it. Did he act like you were always forcing him into things? Or that he did something on his own volition and then acted like he had to? Or maybe claimed that if he didn't do 'x' you would bitch, complain or nag?

Or was he the type that praised you for being so damned co-operative if you kept silent?

 

Sorry in_pain but someone so narcissistic cannot see more then a foot in front of themselves unless they need someone to blame for their own shortcomings. If you aren't 110% co-operative with every conflicting thing he says, you aren't going to get his positive attention. Do you feel that you should have meant something to him because he was the type that seemed so lost and that he needed you? Did he either seem truly lost and expect you to help him fix it OR blame you for his being truly lost and childish?

 

The only decisions a guy like this can make is when he wants something it has to be "right now!" and when he doesn't get his need filled he can figure out who to blame.

 

In_pain, if you work out your own healing and issues (EMDR for the love of God) you have just been given the most beautiful freedom and there is no way you could find a partner as unhealthy again unless you trip over him at the homeless shelter. (Even then I think it would be a challenge).

 

Give your self and break and a plan to take back everything that was taken from you (including dignity) and make sure you never ever give that power to anyone else again!

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi Imagine. If you mean wait for him, NO, he caused enough pain and someone that does that has no heart. It just hurts, a lot. I feel empty and lonely. I have for a long time. Part of me just wishes he had some sort of remorse, but there isn't any and that kills me inside.

 

I want him out of my life and he is and I have no intentions of ever being with him. The man humiliated me and put me through this unimaginable pain I'm in right now.

 

What I need to do is to concentrate one me and fix me. It's just hard though, very hard. I'm forgetting things, can't think straight, crying all the time at a drop of a hurt, trying to rationalize what just happened, hoping it is all a dream that I'll wake up tomorrow, I'm having panic attacks and find it difficult to be around people at this point.

 

(These are signs of trauma)

 

I made an appointment for counseling Tomorrow, hope I get help there.

 

From what H has done I feel like he was never in love with me at all. It just feels too calculated and evil if I can call it that.

 

I want to kill him. Can I? (If your thoughts are homicidal, get him to take a vacation with you here to Canada, no death penalty and often murderers serve less then 20 years. I think that maybe you can find better ways to spend your time though) I dont have any advice I just want to say how very sorry I am, honey. My heart breaks just thinking of everything thats happening to you. Ugh and being sad makes me angry. I want to squeeze his balls with salad tongs until they pop. DAMN IT

 

So here's what happened since I last posted. He came to me and told me everything (I mean everything), even things that had nothing to do with the A. He even called her and asked her to meet the both of us which she did and he told her that he want's to make things right with me.

 

The problem is that I'm not so sure what to do now.

 

Any opinions out there?

 

Yes. In_pain you are traumatized the way you have been and I don't think it is just the lies and cheating. I think that your husband is a manipulator that plays like he is "lost" or "is having trouble making a decision" to keep everyone on the line and get the best option. When trauma happens, especially in your case you don't seem to have a super-strong support network, you will reach out to anything familiar to feel safe.

 

Up until now your life has been like a play with you and your husband in the lead roles (more like your husband starring but I digress). You were relatively comfortable and safe there compared to now.

 

Well your husband knocked down all of the props and exposed the stage. You know that your life was a fantasy, a story, a bit of play for this guy. If you go back to someone like this you will always know that your life is a bit of theatre and you will be trying to make the props seem real to you.

 

My H has cheated. He put me through Hell. Half of the people on this board have toward me to dump his ass in a parcel and mail it to China. We are still together and working on things. He has showed dedication (tonight he was really quite great actually). I would never never never tolerate anything close to what he put me through again. Not for anyone. In fact if he pushes me just that tiny microscopic point past my thing beige line I will walk. I won't even say bitter words to him, I will just hold my head up and walk.

 

After your husband pulled the bull****, got another pregnant (Which is baggage you DO NOT need in your life, believe me!) You don't have kids yet I assume and you are not going to be able to want to sit on the sidelines while your H goes and has frequent Daddy time and pride moments over his and OWs little seed. If you don't have kids, you have little idea how emotionally wrenching this will be for you. I recommend that if you want some dire pain perhaps cutting off your own skin slowly and then dismembering yourself would be a better option.

 

In_pain, I am a member of the LDS (Mormon) church. We believe marriage is forever, getting a divorce granted by the church is very very difficult (but possible in some cases: I believe this would qualify). A big part of the reason I don't leave my husband is not just love and character but because I do believe in an eternal family. Mormons (LDS, not the polygamy group) are the strictest organized religion about dissolving/not dissolving marriages I have ever encountered.

 

My opinion for you: Run from this man like the ****ing wind!

[Hazel_eyes]

I think you need to run from this man and very quick! Don't over think it, don't try to rationalize his actions, just pour your energies into getting out. From the way I have read your posts it appears to me that he almost feels resentful toward you for being hurt by his actions (what a butt....).

 

I was involved in a relationship with a man in the past. We weren't married but the intent was for us to be married. It was a BAD situation. He was very verbally abusive and controlling. He even controlled what clothes I was allowed to wear and what colors were okay and weren't. He was also extremely promiscuous. During our time together he was seeing 6 other women on top of getting services from hookers. One of these girls was a 13 year old! Yet he was very good at manipulating, and he honestly had me believing that he was the victim in it all. It broke my heart, he made me want to protect him and be the 'better woman' that was different then all the others and would be forgiving and perfect. Looking back it was crazy to even consider being with him, but at the time it seemed so right. Things really got crazy when he was threatening to kidnap me and murder my family. My family basically held a relationship intervention and ripped me from his clutches.

 

I personally feel like the way your husband has carelessly treated your hurt is so abusive and beyond selfish. Even though I wished I could go back to this guy I knew somewhere deep deep down that it would be the wrong thing to do. I literally clung to that. I would repeat it over and over to myself. I would tell myself constantly I will think with logic not emotion. Because logic and my heart didn't add up, and in this instance logic was right.

 

It's going to be rough. I cried more then I thought humanly possible. I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. I moved in with my parents during this time. They would regularly just come hold me in the middle of the night. I didn't tell anyone what was going on except my family and close friends. Yet everyone knew something was happening.

 

Is there any way you can stay with a friend for just a little bit, just to get you out of that place? Perhaps you can go on a weekend trip to the beach for a bit, get you away from him and away from life. Have you told your family? I don't know your family and the relationship you have with them but for me I don't know how I would have gotten through it without my family. I had to get counseling and would definitely recommend doing the same. Somehow this man seems to have convinced you that his inability to keep it in his pants is so important that it merits not treating you with respect. And by going back to him you agree with this.

 

Do you want to be with a guy that only misses you for sex and kisses? The pain isn't worth it. And you deserve so much more! You deserve a man that not only wants your body and kisses, but wants to be a part of your heart and to make you feel like you are his everything. There is a guy out there that would love to be that for you. It is obvious that your husband is masterfully manipulating you and somehow making you feel like you are being irrational. Please please don't even listen to him. Is there any way that you can limit contact with him to merely just about the divorce and that you will only talk to him with a trusted person around you? Having someone you trust with you will help keep you from falling for the manipulation. I found that it was easiest for me to heal when I reduced contact and didn't interact with him alone.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. When you get through this (and I have no doubt you will!) you will feel so strong, you will look back and marvel at how you had the strength to overcome. You will have so much more self worth without him then with him. And even though you feel embarrassed now, when you look back at it you will realize that the fool was him the whole time not you. I wish there was a way to help make it better for you. I think you sharing your thoughts here is a positive thing!

[noregretsmyass]

So here's what happened since I last posted. He came to me and told me everything (I mean everything), even things that had nothing to do with the A. He even called her and asked her to meet the both of us which she did and he told her that he want's to make things right with me.

 

The problem is that I'm not so sure what to do now.

 

Any opinions out there?

 

 

What does "make things right with me" entail? Now he is saying he wants to work out your marriage? Even if you both decide to work on your marriage, this other woman and their child are going to be a part of your life forever. Will this be too difficult of a reminder of the infidelity? Will you truly be able to forgive and move on? You will have to be incredibly strong in order to deal with all of the ramifications of the affair. If you are both thinking reconcilliation, you will both need IC as well as MC in order to get through this. Is this his idea of making things right.... is he going to do whatever it takes? Will he be able to put his feelings for the OW aside and be able to be a loving responsible father to their child?

 

Or, did he mean he is still leaving you, but wants to still do right by you and continue with separating, but as amically as possible?

 

What exactly are you not sure about doing? Staying together? Or taking steps to end the marriage? It seems like he is going back and forth too much and it is very damaging to you. It also seems like OW has some kind of hold over him, especially now with being pregnant. If you are going to continue to be married to your husband, his only responsibility to the OW will be supporting their child. Can he handle this, and not be tempted to continue relations with this woman?

 

I cant believe how stupid both of them can be to not only be in the affair and make matters worse, not take measures to ensure pregnancy did not occur. You were severely betrayed by both of these people in your life.

I feel horrible for your situation. It is not going to be an easy road ahead of you.

 

IMO, I would leave him. I know its easier said than done. Sometimes people want to hold on just because the concept of failure in the marriage is hard to accept. And you've said you "feel like he's never in love" with you at all. This is not true. He married you and felt love for you. But somewhere along the way, he has lost this. He has hurt you and has lied over and over again. He is no longer the man that you once loved. Do you really want to be with this type of person? I think you deserve much more and to be happy.

 

You are going to struggle, no doubt. But look for guidance through IC, support groups, taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually. If leaving is what you want, take the steps to do so. It will not stop hurting over night. But eventually your pain will subside enough for you to start dating again and find a truly genuine caring person that you deserve. At least you do not have chilldren, which will make things a little less difficult.

 

You sound like a very sweet person and reading your story has turned my stomach. Please consider your options and what you really want. You only need to get through one day at a time. It's okay to be sad or depressed and grieve. But also look to your future and where you can be 1 year from now, 5 or 10 years from now. You will be happy and find love again. You just need to continue to be strong and true to yourself. I truly do not think your H deserves a second chance from you, but that is your decision.

 

I'm not sure I helped at all will my ramblings. Others here give very valuable advice and there is much wisdom here. Stick around, read, read, read and question away as much as you'd like. I wish nothing but the best for you.

 

NRMY

[CrayonAngel]

sorry for your pain..

but WHY are you answering his calls? do you know that what he did to you is the ULTIMATE betrayal? and even if you guys got back together and 10 years down the road things are back to good and normal..you will still be looking over your shoulder and feeling that ache in the pit of your stomach! He is the worst kind of cheat, one that shows no remorse..and then lies..to make it look like you were at fault. What a coward of a man! your story sounds a lot like a poster who used to come here and post...Lostit2010 I think reading her posts might help you. Push through the urge to be with him. You deserve a good man.

[dreamingoftigers]

I hope that the reason you haven't responded yet is not because you are reconciling with him, or even giving the slightest chance.

 

This relationship has gone beyond rock bottom.

 

At this point you would either need to indulge him in this and lose yourself almost completely. Or you need to lock him out and give yourself the time and distance to heal.

 

Right now you are running around with a knife stuck in your back that he put there. Instinct will tell you to let him back in to pull it out. Pulling out a knife without any sense of what you are doing could cause you to bleed to death (turn this into a spiritual/emotional metaphor).

 

I know that you are probably a pretty strong person and you have been through a lot lately. Do not tell yourself on any level that you have to take the pain to make things right. Sure you can probably take it. But you should not have to (and fact you outright shouldn't!) and it isn't healthy whatsoever in the short-term or long run to offer yourself up to fix something that you didn't break/create in the long run.

 

It would be accepting responsibility for someone else's actions. If you do this, you are limiting his responsibility (and basically saying he is not capable of making decisions for himself but allowing him to escape his real responsibility to you at this point, which is allowing you space and time to heal).

 

You may think that by forgiving him you become more valuable to him. That if he sees how tolerant you are and how far you are willing to go for him, he will wake up and see what he nearly lost and treasure you. It does not work like that.

 

Ever buy something on discount from Wal-Mart? I once bought $2 pants. They were a good deal, decent fit. I stained them and I wasn't all like "oh no, I stained these nice pants and these were the discount pants! I won't be able to get another pair of pants like these for this price!" My thought process was: "enh, they were only $2 pants, live and learn." If they had been $500 pants you can bet I would have been damn upset. I probably wouldn't have worn them out, I wouldn't have treated them like they were $2 pants, because wrecking the pants means I lose $500. If you look at reconciliation with him, you are saying "I am $2 Wal Mart pants." And he will view you like $2 Wal Mart pants. (In fact I believe that he would be more genuinely upset about the pants: this is not a reflection of your worth, but rather showing that he can perceive something that can range in value as having the lowest value possible.

As well, you haven't been split long enough to make any kind of scarcity for him to see how valuable you actually are. I am not saying manipulate. But cleary this guy wants to come back because something about the current OW arrangement is "inconvenient." Not because he has been able to assess how valuable you are in his life, he is trying to keep his options open. Otherwise he would have done everything to take full responsibility for the situation straight away (and he wouldn't have cheated to begin with). Do not let him guilt you or pull on your heartstrings to believe otherwise. At the very least go NC for at least a couple of months. If he is serious, he can wait and let the chips fall where they may for now. If he is serious, in a few months he won't be gone, he'll be waiting for the second he can show you how much you mean to him.

You are not going to heal from this by gulping down more poisonous lies from him.

 

People like you (And I) don't want a divorce or to have to go through it. Perhaps years ago if this line were crossed, I would have tried to work things out with my H too and taken on the pain. Now I would want a divorce if this came up.

 

So OP? Is that it, are you not going to deserve any better than this? If he claims he can and will do better, he can do it at the very least a later date. Personally I hope that you choose better than this.

 

You aren't $2 Wal Mart pants, not even during a recession.