Author in pain Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 Hi! I want thank you all and to tell you that you were all right. I had to learn the hard way Thats how dumb people learn). So here's what happened in the last few days: We decided that we were going to work things out between us. He was still very distant with me though so distant I almost gave up. 5 days ago he got into a car accident and apparently it was life changing and he realized that he needs me in his life more than anything. we talked for that day and I felt like things were taking a turn for the better. Once that day passed, the walls came back up again and things were taking a turn for the worst again ( I took this as part of the recovery). Today, he told me that the woman he'd been sleeping with is now pregnant (earlier he had told me that the sex only happened once on the day that I caught them but that was another lie). I accepted what he had told me and he still said the he wanted to work things out (This while saying he needs time apart). I said since this this woman is going to be part of our lives for good then we should go talk to her and see if things between the three of us can be ironed out (still dumb right?). when we got there and it was the three of us, he said to me in front of her that he sees no chance of us ever working things out. my "friend" the woman said to ma they had wanted to be together for a long time and she was just waiting for this to fall apart (he never told me about any problems we might have had). She said she gave so many chances for things to be fine between my H and I and she couldn't wait any longer. I felt like such an idiot. I have been paying his car (which is my name), the rent for the house we live in, the clothes he wears, practically everything else he owns. I asked him to pack his bags and he is now FINALLY out of the house. As sad as I am, I'm relieved that it's over. I know now that I did all I could to this work and it is not my fault. What a way to start the new year. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 (((hugs))) You are going to be so much better off without this man in your life. He is a weak coward who has let this other woman do his dirty work for him (she sounds like a piece of work too). You also need to look after yourself and that includes seeing a lawyer as soon as possible to establish what rights you have not just in terms of separation/divorce but also in terms of property such as the car. Link to post Share on other sites
Author in pain Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 Thanks!!! I'm seeing a lawyer first thing Monday morning. I's hard to have to think of a life without him by my side. I feel a bit afraid of the coming future. All I know right now is that I want him no where near me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author in pain Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 Is there anything I can do or read that will make everything seem better? Link to post Share on other sites
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Sorry I got to your thread late....Your early stages of denial played exactly like mine (see my thread). I did the whole separation thing in an effort to save the marriage and I'll tell you friend, all that did was give her the space to continue her affair unimpeded and lie to me in the process. What I've learned from a year of hell and rereading many threads here with a new perspective that unless the WS is unequivocal about immediately ending all contact and having complete transparency with some degree of hate towards their AP, there is very little chance of going through a reconciliation. It is better to immediately separate with the idea of filing for divorce and moving on. THEN, if your WS makes the appropriate changes on their own and talk of reconciliation begins before final divorce you'll know it is sincere and because they miss what they have. Otherwise, IMO, it's all BS and does nothing but put your life in constant limbo, always wondering when the next blow will come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author in pain Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 All I can say is that it wasn't/it's not easy to give up my marriage. To work so hard and to give yourself to a union that ends like this. I don't know how I'm going to face the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Is there anything I can do or read that will make everything seem better? Just take care of your body and mind. Exercise, eat, drink, and sleep. And do activities that will not stress you out. Sometimes when the betrayed discover they've been cheated on, they'll starve themselves. Start taking care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author in pain Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 He just knocked at my door (I shook like a leaf when I saw him) a few minutes ago. Said that he thought he should come check on me and that he is sorry for ruining my life. I told him that if I needed any checking up, I would ask someone else to that definitely not him. I wished I could hold him while he was apologizing but I'm glad I was able to hold back. I asked him not to come or call except when discussing the divorce and how we are to split things up. It hurt like hell looking at him. He had been my best friend for so long. Is it normal to still be so sympathetic and to miss him after I've asked him to go? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 He asked "so how long is this thing of you not trusting me going to last?". This conversation took place a few minutes ago when he got up from the couch and said to me he's going over to check on his buddies. I then told him that every time he walks out the door I keep asking myself if he's going over to her place. He then said to me that I just have to trust him. I told him I can't do that just yet.... So how long does it take for one to trust the other when such a thing has happened? Am I being unreasonable by still not trusting his word? he's not trying to work on repairing the damage HE caused - he's trying to get you to go along with half an effort from his end. trust is earned - based upon consistent CHANGED behavior. he hasn't changed a thing. he should be willing to DO anything IF he wanted to work on repairing his damage... but he's not. he just expects that you will accept his unacceptable behavior = that isn't nearly enough for things to get better. make him uncomfortable! make him feel what pain HE caused. change everything... start moving forward and making decisions that are in YOUR best interest. IF he's not drastically changing and doing everything to make YOU happy... he's only thinking of himself... and that isn't good enough to be happy in a marriage... it only is serving himself... and a marriage involves more than just himself. as long as he's acting selfish and self serving - there is nothing to say or do to change his selfish nature... when nothing changes = nothing changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author in pain Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 Our marriage is over, I WILL NOT change my mind about that. the bastard doesn't deserve me!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 He just knocked at my door (I shook like a leaf when I saw him) a few minutes ago. Said that he thought he should come check on me and that he is sorry for ruining my life. I told him that if I needed any checking up, I would ask someone else to that definitely not him. I wished I could hold him while he was apologizing but I'm glad I was able to hold back. I asked him not to come or call except when discussing the divorce and how we are to split things up. It hurt like hell looking at him. He had been my best friend for so long. Is it normal to still be so sympathetic and to miss him after I've asked him to go? Stay strong...Of course it is normal. You shared a life with this man. But keep this in mind. That man that you shared your life with is no longer the man you see before you. That man died and this new one possessed his body. So, don't have sympathy for the being that killed your former husband. Empathy, maybe, but no sympathy. Save the sympathy for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author in pain Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 That man that you shared your life with is no longer the man you see before you. That man died and this new one possessed his body. So, don't have sympathy for the being that killed your former husband. Thanks for that comment. It made me laugh, something I haven't been able to do for a while now. Your right, the man I said "I do" to no longer exists. Thanks again!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 He just knocked at my door (I shook like a leaf when I saw him) a few minutes ago. Said that he thought he should come check on me and that he is sorry for ruining my life. I told him that if I needed any checking up, I would ask someone else to that definitely not him. I wished I could hold him while he was apologizing but I'm glad I was able to hold back. I asked him not to come or call except when discussing the divorce and how we are to split things up. It hurt like hell looking at him. He had been my best friend for so long. Is it normal to still be so sympathetic and to miss him after I've asked him to go? So sorry for what you're going through. The other's are right: he only wants you back now because you're not putting up with his crap. Remember to make sure you eat well and sleep well, and get lots of exercise because it's going to get worse before it gets better. Like all cheaters he'll try again to manipulate you. Stay strong and keep your head up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author in pain Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 I just don't believe the nerve of that man!!! He told his parents that I cheated on him...They just called me looking for answers as to why I could do this to their son. I'm so angry right now!!! Link to post Share on other sites
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 I just don't believe the nerve of that man!!! He told his parents that I cheated on him...They just called me looking for answers as to why I could do this to their son. I'm so angry right now!!! Don't be surprised....A cheating spouse is lieing to themselves so it is nothing to lie to others to cover up or rationalize their behavior. It burned me up for awhile that I knew that my wife wouldn't tell the truth to her family, friends, etc. about our split up. I knew she would somehow make me out to be the monster. But then I realized....so what. I know the truth. Those that matter to me know the truth. I could care less that the people she surrounds herself with buy into her fantasy as those will be people I never associate with again anyway. And you know what? The TRUTH always surfaces at some point, and then they have egg on their face and those people they lied to will now also have trust issues. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 He asked "so how long is this thing of you not trusting me going to last?". This conversation took place a few minutes ago when he got up from the couch and said to me he's going over to check on his buddies. I then told him that every time he walks out the door I keep asking myself if he's going over to her place. He then said to me that I just have to trust him. I told him I can't do that just yet.... So how long does it take for one to trust the other when such a thing has happened? Am I being unreasonable by still not trusting his word? Oh for Christ sakes, you don't trust until he can prove that he is trustworthy. Let him figure that part out. WS always just figure if they stopped then everything is okay. Go 180 and start getting your act together. this guy doesn't even come close to getting it and has no appreciation for the pain you are going through. Don't even try to share it with him yet, he won't understand and it will hurt you further. You don't have to do **** all. Tell him he has to prove it. And if he asks how to do that tell him to book some marital counseling or at the very least get copy of After the Affair and get going on it. In fact, if you hav the courage, throw him out and go no contact with him until he gets his **** together. He knew the risks. Make sure you give yourself peace before you give him any comfort for being a douchebag. It isn't being withholding (and don't let him twist you into thinking that). You aren't being selfish, he is. As long as you give him the license to treat you that way, he will. In fact go out with your friends, if he asks what you are up to, simply tell him that he just has to trust you. He lost the right to ask those questions until you decide otherwise. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE HE WILL SIMPLY STAND ON YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Is there anything I can do or read that will make everything seem better? Sorry I got to your thread and posted before reading the latest update. One thing that will make everything seem better is the stats for relationships that started the way theirs did. He is a sick, sick selfish man and he is in for a world of hurt, don't kid yourself. He has now just gotten himself a selfish, manipulative woman who he is going to be tied to for a loooonnnnggg time. You just got your freedom and some life lessons. In short order: 1) Something must have been wrong when you picked him, the universe doesn't stick two perfectly healthy people together. You need to find out some of your issues and work on them, pronto. You were definitely willing to give up too much to save this. (Her being pregnant and all, esp. her thinking she had given you enough chances, um what? Since when is she the "decider of your marriage?") You need to not surrender so much control of your life. You lose. 2) You have the chance after losing an unhealthy partner to become a healthy partner and to find a healthy partner and get married. 3) You can now make your life anything you want without comprimise. 4) You aren't going to have that drain on your energy. 5) You get to laugh at his idiocy (and trust me, you haven't heard the last of him be prepared for the whining "this isn't fair, why don't I get to keep everything, you weren't as nice to me as you could have been waaahhhhh.") Sit back and laugh hun. Link to post Share on other sites
Carrot2000 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I just don't believe the nerve of that man!!! He told his parents that I cheated on him...They just called me looking for answers as to why I could do this to their son. I'm so angry right now!!! I hope you told them that their son got another woman pregnant. What a loser! Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Don't be surprised....A cheating spouse is lieing to themselves so it is nothing to lie to others to cover up or rationalize their behavior. It burned me up for awhile that I knew that my wife wouldn't tell the truth to her family, friends, etc. about our split up. I knew she would somehow make me out to be the monster. But then I realized....so what. I know the truth. Those that matter to me know the truth. I could care less that the people she surrounds herself with buy into her fantasy as those will be people I never associate with again anyway. And you know what? The TRUTH always surfaces at some point, and then they have egg on their face and those people they lied to will now also have trust issues. Good summarization. That's how all cheaters act. But eventually their little dreamlands always fall and they end up looking stupid and guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I just don't believe the nerve of that man!!! He told his parents that I cheated on him...They just called me looking for answers as to why I could do this to their son. I'm so angry right now!!! As I said before, it's going to get worse and the reason why he did that is because he's still cheating so he's trying to rationalize his destructive behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I just don't believe the nerve of that man!!! He told his parents that I cheated on him...They just called me looking for answers as to why I could do this to their son. I'm so angry right now!!! They will see when the baby comes. Because he dragged them into this, I would totally send them a letter detailing everything and simply say that you are trying to recover from everything and if they don't believe you, tell them to look up this website and they can see the dates listed. I normally wouldn't suggest being reactive, but you should also try to do everything to protect your name. LOL offer to take a polygraph, of course you don't have to, just offer collateral. Stop them from talking about you. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 He just knocked at my door (I shook like a leaf when I saw him) a few minutes ago. Said that he thought he should come check on me and that he is sorry for ruining my life. I told him that if I needed any checking up, I would ask someone else to that definitely not him. I wished I could hold him while he was apologizing but I'm glad I was able to hold back. I asked him not to come or call except when discussing the divorce and how we are to split things up. It hurt like hell looking at him. He had been my best friend for so long. Is it normal to still be so sympathetic and to miss him after I've asked him to go? It is normal. I felt the same way. After I caught my husband (after I booted him to the couch) I would hug him often when he looked like he felt bad. I even felt awful when he would get caught because he looked so ashamed and defeated. Now I am not as pulled or charitable. You realize as you go on how badly they screwed you when they were screwing others. You get stronger by default. Link to post Share on other sites
Author in pain Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I thought about telling them after I found out about the pregnancy. Then I thought that I would have no right announcing someone else's pregnancy to the world, it's a private thing between two people. but when his parents called me, I had to break the truth to them and I felt so awful telling them. If I got pregnant, I would want the tell people the news myself. I don't want to be bitter, I just want to live my life and get over this already... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I thought about telling them after I found out about the pregnancy. Then I thought that I would have no right announcing someone else's pregnancy to the world, it's a private thing between two people. but when his parents called me, I had to break the truth to them and I felt so awful telling them. If I got pregnant, I would want the tell people the news myself. I don't want to be bitter, I just want to live my life and get over this already... Well news of the pregnancy can be chalked up to Cheating *******-Liar Tax. Don't worry about it, they wouldn't have called if it wasn't for his bs anyways. I hope that they believed you. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I thought about telling them after I found out about the pregnancy. Then I thought that I would have no right announcing someone else's pregnancy to the world, it's a private thing between two people. but when his parents called me, I had to break the truth to them and I felt so awful telling them. If I got pregnant, I would want the tell people the news myself. I don't want to be bitter, I just want to live my life and get over this already... No, you shouldn't feel bad. They need to be exposed for what they've done. When cheating occurs, there's no more privacy. He took that for granted when he decided to destroy your marriage by cheating and knocking up another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts