Well... Christmas made someone mellow...

[Fieldsofgold]

Noelle, please don't get so upset. Birds is obviously in a LOT of pain, as most of us are. These situations are never easy, and affect all parties.

 

Just ignore the posts that are hurting you, and read/respond to the ones that are helping you.

 

Although I agre that being aggressive is definetly not helpful, projections and venting of frustrations are natural and can be expected. Just filter through what isn't helping or supportive to you and stay calm for the sake of the precious little treasure you are carrying.

 

Ditto, Ditto! Very well said, Curls!

[jthorne]

Let me ask you something- what specifically makes you think he's mellowed? Because it's Christmas? Because he phoned you?

 

I'm just curious why you've made the "mellowed" assumption.

[Fieldsofgold]

I'm not sure quite how to explain this to get across the point that even if it was "a moment" of rage...it still happened...and this is him and cannot be trusted in your situation.

. . .

We don't just have a moment of time of a lack of proper judgement towards the treatment of another...there IS a reason for it...it is either the real person coming out or the real feelings.

 

What you experienced was the real deal..can you imagine what his W goes through?

 

Unfortunately, it only takes a "moment"'of rage to do irreversible harm.

[pureinheart]

Unfortunately, it only takes a "moment"'of rage to do irreversible harm.

 

Exactly FOG, you said it much better.

 

I was thinking on Noelles sitch and wondering if she did some research on "behavior modification", if that would help her understand that it can take years to change physically and mentally abusive behaviors.

 

I know Noelle that is seems harmless and he might not have meant it...he did mean it and then some IMO.

 

I might be way off here, although I think he was holding back in his attacks...and I think he meant every word of what he said to you Noelle. Next time in a "moment" of rage, he just might make it real.

[Rose1977]

Noelle, I have reservations about posting this b/c it is so personal to me and even some people in my "real life" don't know what really happened to me. But if I can protect one other person from going through what I have been through, it will be worth it. Three years ago last month I delivered a beautiful baby boy. Three months prematurely b/c his "father" made good on his promise to make sure I wouldn't deliver the baby. He assaulted me with a fire poker. I don't think I need to go into detail. I am crying my eyes out typing this. PLEASE don't ever underestimate anyone's threats. PLEASE don't end up like me. PLEASE. I wish I took him seriously. He is in prison now but it doesn't take away the pain. All threats are serious and what he said to you is exactly what my sperm donor said to me.

[pureinheart]

Let me ask you something- what specifically makes you think he's mellowed? Because it's Christmas? Because he phoned you?

 

I'm just curious why you've made the "mellowed" assumption.

 

Just a thought...I've been going every 3 weeks steadily for councelling, so my councelor knows me well and my situation.

 

I'm just throwing this out there, although in my last councelling session I told the whole story of exDM (for the first time in it's entirety)...the first words out of her mouth was "Stockholmes Syndrome"...traumatic bonding, hysterical bonding...that's was her diagnosis concerning the situation with exDM.

 

We want to believe that the person we loved/love is not abusive for many reasons...we look for every good in them AND I was thrown a bone every now and then. Now as a friend, he would have been perfect...but not anything else.

 

Noelle, this could be another avenue to research

[pureinheart]

Noelle, I have reservations about posting this b/c it is so personal to me and even some people in my "real life" don't know what really happened to me. But if I can protect one other person from going through what I have been through, it will be worth it. Three years ago last month I delivered a beautiful baby boy. Three months prematurely b/c his "father" made good on his promise to make sure I wouldn't deliver the baby. He assaulted me with a fire poker. I don't think I need to go into detail. I am crying my eyes out typing this. PLEASE don't ever underestimate anyone's threats. PLEASE don't end up like me. PLEASE. I wish I took him seriously. He is in prison now but it doesn't take away the pain. All threats are serious and what he said to you is exactly what my sperm donor said to me.

 

OMG...I am so sorry ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

 

We have to take threats seriously...I do

 

BTW, it was very brave of you to post this....

[desertIslandCactus]

Noelle, I have reservations about posting this b/c it is so personal to me and even some people in my "real life" don't know what really happened to me. But if I can protect one other person from going through what I have been through, it will be worth it. Three years ago last month I delivered a beautiful baby boy. Three months prematurely b/c his "father" made good on his promise to make sure I wouldn't deliver the baby. He assaulted me with a fire poker. I don't think I need to go into detail. I am crying my eyes out typing this. PLEASE don't ever underestimate anyone's threats. PLEASE don't end up like me. PLEASE. I wish I took him seriously. He is in prison now but it doesn't take away the pain. All threats are serious and what he said to you is exactly what my sperm donor said to me.

 

God Bless you and your son, Rose.

 

Noelle, try to stay NC for the Roses of this world, and for yourself - at this time.

[Rose1977]

Thank you. It's never easy to share, and I tend to only do it in situations like this. I strongly believe that what happened to me happened for a reason and I hope that reason is to prevent it from happening to at least one other woman.

[BB07]

Oh Rose...........I'm sooo sorry! I hope the new year brings you peace of mind and heart.

Big hugs Rose........

 

Noelle.......Don't discount what everyone has been warning you about. I'm sure there are so many women out there who think that it couldn't happen to them, but it does happen, sadly all too often.

[noelle303]

Let me ask you something- what specifically makes you think he's mellowed? Because it's Christmas? Because he phoned you?

 

I'm just curious why you've made the "mellowed" assumption.

 

I don't know for sure. But I think so.

What would be his motivation for contacting me? I haven't contacted him. In fact, we haven't spoken in about two months or so. I told him I won't be going after him, that he can pretend I don't exist if thats what he wants. And I made good on that promise,

So why this phone call now?

 

Noelle, I have reservations about posting this b/c it is so personal to me and even some people in my "real life" don't know what really happened to me. But if I can protect one other person from going through what I have been through, it will be worth it. Three years ago last month I delivered a beautiful baby boy. Three months prematurely b/c his "father" made good on his promise to make sure I wouldn't deliver the baby. He assaulted me with a fire poker. I don't think I need to go into detail. I am crying my eyes out typing this. PLEASE don't ever underestimate anyone's threats. PLEASE don't end up like me. PLEASE. I wish I took him seriously. He is in prison now but it doesn't take away the pain. All threats are serious and what he said to you is exactly what my sperm donor said to me.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. (hugs)

 

I decided I won't be contacting him. I'm too focused on myself and my baby to risk it all. Now is not the time.

Maybe in the future. In fact I hope that it will be in the future.

 

Right now it breaks my heart... I got my hopes up but I now know it's not the right thing at the moment. But as I said, I'm not dealing very well with the fact she won't have a father in her life. I don't know what I'd do without my dad.

[BB07]

I don't know for sure. But I think so.

What would be his motivation for contacting me? I haven't contacted him. In fact, we haven't spoken in about two months or so. I told him I won't be going after him, that he can pretend I don't exist if thats what he wants. And I made good on that promise,

So why this phone call now?

 

 

 

Thanks for sharing your story. (hugs)

 

I decided I won't be contacting him. I'm too focused on myself and my baby to risk it all. Now is not the time.

Maybe in the future. In fact I hope that it will be in the future.

 

Right now it breaks my heart... I got my hopes up but I now know it's not the right thing at the moment. But as I said, I'm not dealing very well with the fact she won't have a father in her life. I don't know what I'd do without my dad.

 

Noelle, try not to think of it as your daughter not having a father because she will have a positive role model in your father, right? Also......keep in mind that there is likely to be a wonderful, kind, single guy in your future who may be more than happy to call your daughter his own down the road. Just don't waste your time or endanger yourself on xmm because you can't make chicken soup from chicken ****e..........ya know.

[Fieldsofgold]

Noelle, I have reservations about posting this b/c it is so personal to me and even some people in my "real life" don't know what really happened to me. But if I can protect one other person from going through what I have been through, it will be worth it. Three years ago last month I delivered a beautiful baby boy. Three months prematurely b/c his "father" made good on his promise to make sure I wouldn't deliver the baby. He assaulted me with a fire poker. I don't think I need to go into detail. I am crying my eyes out typing this. PLEASE don't ever underestimate anyone's threats. PLEASE don't end up like me. PLEASE. I wish I took him seriously. He is in prison now but it doesn't take away the pain. All threats are serious and what he said to you is exactly what my sperm donor said to me.

 

Oh, Rose! My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing. You may be saving more than one child, by sharing your story.

 

(((((((hugs)))))))

[Fieldsofgold]

I don't know for sure. But I think so.

What would be his motivation for contacting me? I haven't contacted him. In fact, we haven't spoken in about two months or so. I told him I won't be going after him, that he can pretend I don't exist if thats what he wants. And I made good on that promise,

So why this phone call now?

 

Have you not heard anything any of us has said?

 

Perhaps he wants to lure you out to a location where you can meet with an "unfortunate" accident!

 

And why would you want your child to have a father who could even speak the words "cut her out and kill her myself"?????

 

Please go to a therapist and show him/her this post.

Edited December 26, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[BB07]

Have you not heard anything any of us has said?

 

Perhaps he wants to lure you out to a location where you can meet with an "unfortunate" accident!

 

And why would you want your child to have a father who could even speak the words "cut her out and kill her myself"?????

 

Please go to a therapist and show him/her this post.

 

I'm afraid that Noelle is thinking that her xmm's reaction was somewhat normal since he had been hit with news that is life altering. The thing is Noelle........what he said (a heinous threat), what he did (pushing you up against the wall) is not normal reactions. Yes people get angry and we say things we don't mean but what HE SAID and what HE DID is beyond the scope of a normal angry reaction. Normal people do not say such things........NEVER!

Please stop mourning and wishing for him to be someone who can be in your daughters life. He is NOT the man. Please stop trying to excuse what he said because you think you know him better than us. Some who are posting here have lived through this kind of situation and they don't want that for you and they see that he is dangerous. They know what they are talking about Noelle, don't discount it, please.

[Ellin]

Noelle, I have reservations about posting this b/c it is so personal to me and even some people in my "real life" don't know what really happened to me. But if I can protect one other person from going through what I have been through, it will be worth it. Three years ago last month I delivered a beautiful baby boy. Three months prematurely b/c his "father" made good on his promise to make sure I wouldn't deliver the baby. He assaulted me with a fire poker. I don't think I need to go into detail. I am crying my eyes out typing this. PLEASE don't ever underestimate anyone's threats. PLEASE don't end up like me. PLEASE. I wish I took him seriously. He is in prison now but it doesn't take away the pain. All threats are serious and what he said to you is exactly what my sperm donor said to me.

Rose, I'm sooo sorry. I know that kind of pain as I've been through something similar and I know how hard it is to disclose this and I really admire you for sharing this out of concern for Noelle.

 

I also admire Fieldsofgold and I'm glad that she and her child are safe.

 

Noelle, I agree with DIC. There is no rush in finding out what xMM wants. If he wants to be involved there is plenty of time and many ways for him to prove it. But before you know what is going on with him, it's better to keep away for your own good.

 

Even if he's not dangerous (although there is no certainty) do it for your own peace of mind, as there is a big possibility of him causing you some kind of upset. What you need now more than anything is peace and calm, until your precious daughter safely arrives into this world and both of you recover and get stronger.

 

Wish you all the best.

[whichwayisup]

((Rose)) You are so strong..

I am sorry that you had to go through that!

 

Noelle, you are curious to know why he called, but I am telling you, he has not changed. This is a fishing call! To see what is going on, if you're still pregnant and if you give him a chance he WILL ruin your life as well as your baby's life too. Don't be naive and trusting, don't have ANY faith when it comes to him. He sounds like an evil minded and abusive person. Fact that you are (or were) even CONSIDERING having him in your life at some point just shows that you still love him and don't or won't believe he is not a good man.

 

Just because your baby won't know her daddy, doesn't mean that she won't grow up to be a loving and wonderful kid. She will have other male role models in her life, and maybe one day a stepfather who will adopt her as his own. Just because your EXMM is her bio dad, doesn't mean he will BE a good dad. LOOK at what he did to you! A normal thinking and caring human being doesn't DO what he did. Think.

[Woman In Blue]

"There are no excuses for what he said. Absolutely none. But I believe he said it in shock, fear and panic, wanting to make me have an abortion."

 

In your desperate attempt to continue believing that this monster is a human being, you do EXACTLY the opposite of what you claim and come up with every LAME excuse as to why this jerk reacted the way he did. How about you STOP making excuses for him and start respecting YOURSELF and the health and wellbeing of your baby? Stop gambling HER safety and security because you refuse to see this jerk for what he IS instead of what you WANT him to be. Only a fool would give this sociopath another chance at ANYTHING, and only a bigger fool would drag her poor innocent child into the mix and gamble HER wellbeing right along with her own.

 

I'm over 50 and have known numerous people in my lifetime who've had 'oopsies" and NOT ONE OF THOSE MEN ever threw the woman up against the wall or threatened to cut them open! What is WRONG with you that you're STILL trying to make excuses for this lunatic?

 

You're going to be a statistic one day if you don't smarten up and take off those rose-colored glasses where this disgusting excuse for a human is concerned. Mark my words.

[NoIDidn't]

"There are no excuses for what he said. Absolutely none. But I believe he said it in shock, fear and panic, wanting to make me have an abortion."

 

In your desperate attempt to continue believing that this monster is a human being, you do EXACTLY the opposite of what you claim and come up with every LAME excuse as to why this jerk reacted the way he did. How about you STOP making excuses for him and start respecting YOURSELF and the health and wellbeing of your baby? Stop gambling HER safety and security because you refuse to see this jerk for what he IS instead of what you WANT him to be. Only a fool would give this sociopath another chance at ANYTHING, and only a bigger fool would drag her poor innocent child into the mix and gamble HER wellbeing right along with her own.

 

I'm over 50 and have known numerous people in my lifetime who've had 'oopsies" and NOT ONE OF THOSE MEN ever threw the woman up against the wall or threatened to cut them open! What is WRONG with you that you're STILL trying to make excuses for this lunatic?

 

You're going to be a statistic one day if you don't smarten up and take off those rose-colored glasses where this disgusting excuse for a human is concerned. Mark my words.

 

Quoted for truth.

 

It might seem harsh, but its right.

 

No point in making excuses for this guy's behavior.

[noelle303]

"There are no excuses for what he said. Absolutely none. But I believe he said it in shock, fear and panic, wanting to make me have an abortion."

 

In your desperate attempt to continue believing that this monster is a human being, you do EXACTLY the opposite of what you claim and come up with every LAME excuse as to why this jerk reacted the way he did. How about you STOP making excuses for him and start respecting YOURSELF and the health and wellbeing of your baby? Stop gambling HER safety and security because you refuse to see this jerk for what he IS instead of what you WANT him to be. Only a fool would give this sociopath another chance at ANYTHING, and only a bigger fool would drag her poor innocent child into the mix and gamble HER wellbeing right along with her own.

 

I'm over 50 and have known numerous people in my lifetime who've had 'oopsies" and NOT ONE OF THOSE MEN ever threw the woman up against the wall or threatened to cut them open! What is WRONG with you that you're STILL trying to make excuses for this lunatic?

 

You're going to be a statistic one day if you don't smarten up and take off those rose-colored glasses where this disgusting excuse for a human is concerned. Mark my words.

 

 

He is not normally an abusive person! He was abusive towards me when I told him about my pregnancy, I know that.

But, it's not because I love him that I am making up these excuses for him, I don't think I've ever loved him. It's because I simply know him and I know people who know him longer than me. This pregnancy brought out the worst out of him and it was ugly.

 

I will personally never be able to forgive him for what he did to me. Never. But I just want for my daughter to be able to look at her father and have a conversation with him.

I won't be marrying for a very very long time and odds are she will be growing up without a dad. And still, even if I do, it won't be the same. She is one half of him and she won't ever know him.

 

I'm not gambling her well being. He will not be kidnapping and killing me...thats insane. I'm looking at things naively? No, I'm not...this is my reality. You can't deny the fact that I DO know him better than you guys.

 

I won't be contacting him today or for the rest of my pregnancy. It's too soon. But I hope that one day my daughter will have a relationship with her father. Her real father.

And I do not need therapy because of that.

[whichwayisup]

And if he says he wants nothing to do with you or his child? What then? Are you going to force him into having to be a father? Here's something to think about, what if he does decide to go for it and be in her life and he gets a lawyer so he and his wife can have joint custody. Are you ready for that? Never say never.. It can happen.

[noelle303]

And if he says he wants nothing to do with you or his child? What then? Are you going to force him into having to be a father? Here's something to think about, what if he does decide to go for it and be in her life and he gets a lawyer so he and his wife can have joint custody. Are you ready for that? Never say never.. It can happen.

 

 

If he says he wants nothing to do with her.... I can't force him. But at least I'll know I did everything I could. I didn't squander a chance.

 

And he will not be getting joint custody. I've talked to a lawyer, my dad is one. I understand how it works.

Plus, joint custody isn't a bad thing? Whats bad about a child sharing time between her two parents? Do you mean sole custody?

[Fieldsofgold]

He is not normally an abusive person! He was abusive towards me when I told him about my pregnancy, I know that.

But, it's not because I love him that I am making up these excuses for him, I don't think I've ever loved him. It's because I simply know him and I know people who know him longer than me. This pregnancy brought out the worst out of him and it was ugly.

 

I will personally never be able to forgive him for what he did to me. Never. But I just want for my daughter to be able to look at her father and have a conversation with him.

I won't be marrying for a very very long time and odds are she will be growing up without a dad. And still, even if I do, it won't be the same. She is one half of him and she won't ever know him.

 

I'm not gambling her well being. He will not be kidnapping and killing me...thats insane. I'm looking at things naively? No, I'm not...this is my reality. You can't deny the fact that I DO know him better than you guys.

 

I won't be contacting him today or for the rest of my pregnancy. It's too soon. But I hope that one day my daughter will have a relationship with her father. Her real father.

And I do not need therapy because of that.

 

Most people are NOT abusive until something happens to bring out the worst in them! They don't just get up on a fine, sunny morning and decide they will be abusive for a while. They abuse when something happens that provokes or upsets them, or makes them feel powerless.

 

The pregnancy was able to bring out the worse in him, because that is what is in him!

 

He will not be kidnapping and killing you? Or your child? I'm glad you know that, and I pray even more that you are right. I never thought my husband would put a gun to our baby's head, either. Why, my husband had a high position in the pediatric medical field! No one would have E-V-E-R dreamed he would do something like that. Not even me, his wife, who had lived with him for several years. You think you know the MM better than I knew my husband?

 

And Rose. I don't know Rose, but I am sure she never dreamed in a million years that her baby's daddy would do what he did.

 

Here's a clue - if ANY of us mothers thought our children would be harmed, we would not have allowed the "sperm donor"'anywhere near our children! It's exactly because we were SURE they would not harm our children that they had access to them and were able to harm them.

 

Do you think for one minute that Laci Peterson thought her husband might kill her? They had been married for years. Do you think she didn't know her husband at least as well as you know the MM?

 

"Family Members commit most of the Child Murders. Bureau of Criminal Justice Standards."

 

"More than twice as many women are killed by their husbands or boyfriends than are murdered by strangers. (Arthur Kellerman. "Men, Women and Murder." The Journal of Trauma. July 17, 1992, pp.1-5)."

 

This man physically abused you. If I recall, he got physical with you, grabbing you, etc., on more than one occasion. He threatened you with the absolute worst violent threat he could make. He could have gone to jail for what he said to you, alone. You still think he is safe and we are over-reacting. You are making excuses for him. Your thinking in this matter is exceedingly unhealthy, and dangerous to you and your child. Yes, you absolutely do need therapy.

 

My guess is that you have trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome Pure referred to. At the least, you have an unhealthy dose of wishful thinking.

 

Excuse me for saying this, but your relationship with him has been a series of bad choices. You met with him alone, even after he had demonstrated physical agression toward you. You dont want to tell your dad or anyone close to you IRL about his threats or his violence. You make excuses for him. You are holding out hope that he will want to be "Daddy." You think a man who has been abusive to you would be incapable of being abusive to your child.

 

Yes, I am pretty sure you need therapy.

Edited December 27, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[LucreziaBorgia]

Finally, I told him that if he leaves me alone, I won't be contacting him and he can pretend that this baby and I don't exist.

 

He is contacting you because he translated this as "I still have enough feelings for you not to rock the boat and cause you trouble, so I will leave the door open a crack for you in hopes you will come around."

 

You aren't making trouble for him by filing for CS or outing him, so he is repaying you in kind: by a likely offer to continue seeing you and his daughter as OW and OW Jr. Sounds ugly, right?

 

I am in a similar boat with BD (baby daddy) - he is as sweet as pie as long as he thinks I won't file for CS. If I even mention the word 'court' or 'legal' he blows his top, starts accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose to get his money, etc.

 

F*ck 'em Noelle. Think about it. What exactly has he done for you and your daughter that he would be rewarded with the gift of fatherhood? You want your daughter to know the good in him, I understand that - but at what cost to your daughter?

[bentnotbroken]

Abusive because he was shocked about a pregnancy....yeah right. How many men do you think get that news everyday and never threatened bodily harm? What is inside of us is what comes out in times of stress and turmoil. Those things are the things we don't have to think about, they just are. We go on automatic pilot.

 

I am a recovering abuser. I have to think about my actions when I am pissed, frightened, stressed or in the middle of chaos. If I do not think about the things I want to do in response to a situation...I fall back into what feels natural to me.....you don't want to know. This is what that person sees. What if a tries cries when he wants it to be quiet? What if you say the wrong thing at the wrong time? Get my picture.

 

Look up Charles Stewart and Ray Carruth.