Facebook Stalking …The how to guide…

[fun2bewith]

The how to or how to stay away guide

 

 

Is there anything good that could come from FB-S if you want to reconcile?

 

What is better to be the stalker or the victim, which one has more control?

[PowerOfOne]

There is nothing good about FB if you're the dumpee. What could you possibly see that would help?

 

They're unhappy? Nope.

They're happy? Certainly not.

Some other mundane comment? Nope again.

 

I removed her and all her friends from my news feed and i'm too much of a coward to check any of their pages. Don't ask me why I haven't just deleted them. I've got no answer for that.

 

If you're the dumpee - the want to reconcile is is irrelevant. The only thing for it is to get lost and focus on yourself.

[NG85]

If you were dumped, but want to reconcile, don't de-friend the ex. Instead, block her from your newsfeed. This is the most important step. If you can't keep yourself from looking at her profile, though, block it through whatever browser you use. Trust me, you don't want to look at it.

 

If you do all this, then your ex can see everything you post, but you won't be able to see anything they post. If you don't check out their profile, then it'll help you focus and not think about them as much. But since they can still see yours (Since you didn't de-friend them, yet you still blocked them), they'll most likely comment on status updates, and wonder what you're up to.

 

Here's my story:

 

I stayed friends with my ex on FB, even though I went No Contact with her for about a month. She could see everything I posted, but since I blocked her profile and removed her from my newsfeed, I didn't have to see all of her updates. When she finally contacted me for the first time since the break up, she was iterested in all the stuff I mentioned on FB, and was proud of me. I, on the other hand, didn't know what she was up to, and I sort of forgot about her, in a sense - Out of sight, out of mind. Ever since she re-established contact, she comments on my posts almost every time I do post.

 

And an update - I got pretty drunk a few nights ago and unfortunately checked out her profile - She removed any indication on her Wall that she still talks to me - Which is important, I guess, since she doesn't want her new BF to find out. Still, almost every day I get a comment on FB from my ex. I do wonder if she still has feelings since she comments on almost everything I put on FB, yet there's no trace of it on her wall.

Edited December 27, 2010 by NG85

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't think it can be called "stalking". Stalking involves gathering information about someone, harassing, unwanted contact. Facebook has a perfect solution for unwanted contact... they can just block you.

 

So if the person does not just outright block you then you can assume that they want some level of contact.

 

Here is what good can come of it. I found a way to talk to a woman I had a relationship with on and off for 6 years, and LDR for three. I would probably have never found her if I had not typed her name into FB one day.

 

The bad of it is that I found that she had just a couple weeks earlier became officially "in a relationship" with another guy.

 

The good is when he wrote a sappy love message on her wall she replied in a luke warm way. He says "I love you with all my heart". She says "I like having you around". I wrote a message to her sister in law.... who she tells everything... after which she writes a open message on her wall about her "soulmate".

 

I wrote a "note" (You know those little blog like things you can write on FB) about privacy and what not to discuss on FB. She then took heed of it and changed her behavior.

 

Plus I get to see messages which indicate that she's not totally over the moon for the guy. i.e. not into his obsession with a particular sport.

 

I send her a poke and a friend request which she does not deny but does not accept and she does not block me.

 

All of which says to me I have a chance at being able to get with the only woman I have truly loved again.

 

It may not be in a month, it may not be in six months, but there is a chance. Where as without FB there was no chance.

 

The worst thing about FB is.... in the fact that I could have checked on her sooner, before this new guy and had a much simpler time of things. Nothing worth having is easy to get.

[fun2bewith]

@NG85 She still has feelings for you...Why els will she invest so much...

Edited December 28, 2010 by fun2bewith

[Capthxc]

I removed my ex from FB as soon as we broke up, which i kind of regret doing. I would have taken NB's advice if i would have seen it before the break up actually happened but alas.

 

She keeps her profile super private so i cant really see much besides new profile pictures, which is the only reason why i keep checking. It's like a part of me wants to wait and see if she posts one with her and some other guy, or something along those lines. I go around and occasionally check her friends public profiles to see if i cant find anything out, but for the past 3 months or so i havent found anything. It really is pointless for me to keep up with this, but i almost do it out of a force of habit.

[PowerOfOne]

Capthxc, I honestly don't know how you do it. Checking her and her friends profiles. I checked it once a week after we broke up and the most mundane comment sent me into a spiral. I've never gone near her or her friends profiles since. They are all hidden from my news page.

 

NC doesn't just encompass actual communication! You're completely defeating the purpose if you're constantly checking up on what they're doing!! NC is about cutting them out of your life. That means ALL forms of it. Maybe NC should be replaced with 'no info'.

[Capthxc]

Oh, the few posts i saw her make did bring me down quite a bit. The most mundane things as you said, things ranging from work to her comments on random pictures. I really hate doing it, but for some reason i cant bring myself to block her profile. I can't really say were going the NC route anymore because we have been going through LC since Christmas. Nonchalant and such, no relationship talks but still. And since my profile is public im 90% sure she still checks it from time to time.

[PowerOfOne]

I just went back and read your story. It sounds like you're not over her. LC and checking her FB isn't going to help with that.

 

I'd be a hypocrite if I said to lose that hope that she'll come running back because i haven't totally let go of it. But I have accepted that I need to. Hence my complete NC and total avoidance of anything on FB. I know that for a second chance to have any hope of coming about then i need to get 'me' back and be over her.

[GreenPolicy]

I deleted my ex from my fb and I refuse to look at her page. It took about 5 weeks of begging and pleading, but my mom and dad finally deleted her as well. NOTHING good comes from looking. NOTHING. It doesn't matter what you find, it will bring you down. If she's obviously with somebody, that would devastate me. If she's not apparently, then she is choosing being single over being with me.

[homebrew]

If I wanted too... I could create a FB and go look at my Exes...

 

If you gave me the following choice 10 times...

 

Looking at my Exes Facebook

 

or

 

Pouring gasoline all over myself and then lighting myself on FIRE

 

I would have to go with lighting myself on fire 10 out of 10 times. I HONESTLY believe that it would hurt less.

 

The whole thing with being a Dumpee... Your EX is going to compensate for the break up and try to make it look like they are doing great... So whatever is on there is going to be EVEN worse than normal.

 

My memories of my EX are all mine... I never saw a picture of her "being in the arms" of another man... I never read or saw anything she wrote to other men before me... I never saw her flirt with other men...

 

Why would I want to have all of that BLOWN up with a simple click?

 

What I will remember from that day forward is a picture of her and whatever jackoff she is in a picture with now. Whatever sweet things I would remember... would be the things she wrote to him on Facebook...

 

I am not going to allow my time with her, my moments, our special words and phrases we used, my memories to be ruined because of some sick morbid curiosity... 2 1 / 2 years of special memories and moments would get ruined in less than 10 seconds.

 

I will take a pass on that...

 

Now that I think about it... I would rather light myself on fire and then be run over than look at my Exes Facebook!

 

It will NEVER Happen!

Edited December 30, 2010 by homebrew

[Jake99]

I deleted my ex from my fb and I refuse to look at her page. It took about 5 weeks of begging and pleading, but my mom and dad finally deleted her as well. NOTHING good comes from looking. NOTHING. It doesn't matter what you find, it will bring you down. If she's obviously with somebody, that would devastate me. If she's not apparently, then she is choosing being single over being with me.

 

GreenPolicy you are so right with your comment here. FB has become a breeding ground for info hunters of all sorts. It has become one of the main reasons for destroying relationships because everyone questions "friends" on it.

My ex-gf dumped me in early November and so I removed her from my FB friends. She in-turn blocked me! LOL!! My access is open for anyone to see and I have nothing to hide. I use it for business networking and my friends ARE my friends. I only allow people to be friends who I call friends not just people I merely meet.

I have been in NC for a solid month and I know she has checked my FB on several occasions (her friend told me)! She emailed me wishing me a merry christmas and I deleted it without reading it.

Build yourself confidence by being true to yourself. NC is so benficial and I'm glad she blocked me as it gave me the incentive to move forward without checking on her!

[NG85]

Capthxc, I honestly don't know how you do it. Checking her and her friends profiles. I checked it once a week after we broke up and the most mundane comment sent me into a spiral. I've never gone near her or her friends profiles since. They are all hidden from my news page.

 

NC doesn't just encompass actual communication! You're completely defeating the purpose if you're constantly checking up on what they're doing!! NC is about cutting them out of your life. That means ALL forms of it. Maybe NC should be replaced with 'no info'.

 

It's tough, but you'll have to learn to ween yourself off her FB. I was friendly with my ex after we split...Until one day I saw on my newsfeed she posted photos of her and a guy, and her profile said she was in a relationship with the guy. After that any update, no matter how unrelated to the guy it was, pissed me off. I ended up going NC for about a month, and I removed her from my newsfeed and blocked access to her profile.

 

There's a roller coaster of emotions regarding Facebook. It's hard not knowing what they're doing - But once you check and find out, it's even harder. Even little things like finding out they're going to your favorite restaurant with their friends, or going out for the night, or seeing a new guy will send you over the edge.

 

But you can counter-act this. If you REALLY want them back, then don't de-friend them, and make sure all of your updates are POSITIVE! This is VERY important. You don't want them to think you're moping around all depressed. In addition, limit your FB activity. I noticed that my friends who have no lives post on FB 100 times a day. But those that go out and do things and have fun maybe post once a day at most, and since fun things happen they may post photos of themselves having a good time. Try and show that the break up doesn't bother you and that you can stand on your own two feet. In addition, going out and having fun will help take your mind off things. If you can't keep yourself from looking at their profile, then DON'T GO ON FB AT ALL.

 

Once I went NC with my ex, I went from posting on FB once a day to posting once a WEEK. But everything I posted was upbeat and positive and showed that I had some value and that great things were happening to me. I began jogging and losing weight, and I once happened to post that I ran XXX miles. I also posted about a new job I picked up. My ex's curiosity got the best of her, and she got in touch with me and began to ask me about all of these new developments in my life. I'm beginning to go on FB more regularly now, but I still keep things positive, show no signs of weakness, and whenever I can I try and show that I'm going out and having fun.

 

Recently I've personally decided to cut back on FB a bit. I wanted to look for a friend in the search box, and when I typed in the first letter, which happened to be the first letter of my ex's name, her name and thumbnail photo popped up - And the photo was of her and her new guy. I'm not as mad as I would've been, say, a month ago, but it put a damper on my mood a bit.

[radiodarcy]

i guess i would have to say the victim has more control. at least in my case he does. my ex is the kind of guy who will post stuff that he knows would piss me off. especially now that i'm not contacting him anymore. he's a total attention whore . so i stay away.

 

you're not doing yourself any favors by stalking your ex on fb, you can't control what they post and if you still have feelings for them - - it's going to be equally difficult for you to control how you feel when you do see their page. honestly, the only victim in the scenario is you - - not them. the less you know the better.

[NG85]

@NG85 She still has feelings for you...Why els will she invest so much...

 

Yeah, this is something I'm still pondering. She's seemingly head over heels for this new guy, but she's still initiating a ton of contact with me.

 

When we were together, a girl I used to date who I had broken up with 5 years earlier posted something friendly and platonic on my wall, just saying hello. My ex got insanely jealous and stormed off. She'd get this way when I spoke to other women, even in the most platonic ways. So I find it kind of hypocritical that she's with a new guy and still talking to me, her ex of 2 years, who she just broke up with. I'd imagine that if her current guy still spoke to his exes that she'd probably flip out on him, or get insanely jealous and angry.

[tobydog]

Fb is a nightmare and so is texting and email! I have used it wrongly and got into a bit of bother......

x

[Mrlonelyone]

All the talk about how seeing a image of an EX on FB with their new squeeze got me thinking about a new bit of information. Or should I say a lack of information...

 

Their are NO pictures of them together on Facebook. Not one picture of them... people who have been FB friends for four months... and "in a relationship" for two month's. Not one picture of them together.

 

It's one of those things that make me say Hmmm. Hmmm if they are soo in love and in such a deep relationship... why not one picture of them together?

Edited December 30, 2010 by Mrlonelyone
Correction two months in a relationship.

[NG85]

All the talk about how seeing a image of an EX on FB with their new squeeze got me thinking about a new bit of information. Or should I say a lack of information...

 

Their are NO pictures of them together on Facebook. Not one picture of them... people who have been FB friends for four months... and "in a relationship" for two month's. Not one picture of them together.

 

It's one of those things that make me say Hmmm. Hmmm if they are soo in love and in such a deep relationship... why not one picture of them together?

 

That's a good point. When I drunkenly checked my ex's FB a few nights ago I saw that they had some photos of them together, but that over the course of a month there was no interaction between them on their walls. Not a comment, not anything being "Liked", no links being posted, nothing.

 

But then I realized that some couples just aren't that into FB. My ex and I were in contact via phone, text, and AIM very often, so posting something on one another's wall seemed very redundant. We also didn't have very many photos of us up (But then again, we both thought of ourselves as not photogenic at all, so a lot of photos were deemed "not suitable for public consumption").

 

My ex and her current guy got in contact first through another site - And when I they first began dating and I was desparate and stupid, I used to check that site and see much more photos of them together on there. But it was such a specific site that only caters to a small group of people. FB has millions of members, and if they wanted to show their love, surely they'd post their photos there.

 

I noticed, though, after calling my ex out on her new relationship status and those photos after seeing them on FB, she withdrew from the site and stopped posting as much. She said she didn't tell be about her new bf because she didn't want me to be mad. Ever since she's rarely on the site, which connects her and all of her friends. Could little old me have made her afraid to broadcast her new relationship to the world?

[Mrlonelyone]

You may have a point NG85. She isn't a big face booker... but he is.

 

You see the BF fancies himself a sports reporter... His website is a facebook page. He has in a sense made it his job to be on FB on a pretty regular basis. One would think that if a picture existed one of them would have taken it and put it in a very visible place.

 

_______

 

In your case if your ex took pictures down so as to not hurt your feelings that's gotta mean something. On some level she still cares for you. Which brings me to this point...

 

Wouldn't your EX care more for the new guy? I mean... why would she hide artifacts of her relationship from you but not show pictures that.... which could give her new beau a greater sense of security. Why not have that profile pic be of her and him hugging? He's her main man now right?

 

Bearing in mind on FB one can restrict the visibility of practically anything in a really specific way. i.e. One can be kept from seeing a picture or posting if one is willing to customize the privacy on a picture or posting.... If she's doing that to every picture to keep you from seeing them that's even more significant.

 

If I were a girls BF and she did not want a picture of us together in such a public place I would have to think twice about her. Trust me it's not cute to be considered a womans little secret. I have been there enough times already.

[NG85]

I think you mis-read a bit, my ex DOES have photos of the new guy on her profile. I found out about him when I checked my newsfeed one day and saw photos of her with a guy. Then I checked her profile and saw that she changed her relationship status. I accidentally saw her new profile photo that I guess she changed within the last few days, and it was also of them together. They're definitely in the honeymoon period, so I've expected that to be the norm.

 

However, I noticed something really weird - And maybe it's just me grasping at straws - But when we're on good terms, her profile photo is usually just a photo of her. But when we talk and things get weird, or if I'm going NC, her photo is usually a photo of them. For example, when we first went NC, her profile photo was a photo of them. Then we spoke for the first time, and the next day she just put up a headshot of herself. Then we spoke a few weeks later and she kind of bugged me, and I guess that showed, and the next day her photo was back to a photo of them together (I saw all this because as I mentioned she posted on my FB wall A LOT, and so when the post is made you can see their profile photo in thumbnail form. Really weird).

 

 

 

In your case, it could be that they're taking things slow. Relationships can be rocky at first, and generally those who move too fast burn out really quickly. My ex and I went really slowly, and in the first 6 months or so I don't really think there were any photos of us on FB. This could be what your ex is doing. My ex's new relationship seems to be moving very quickly, though, and so I wasn't that surprised to see photos of them together that quickly.

 

But feel good, you won't have to see any photos of them together. Seeing that first photo of your ex with someone else is just like a knife through the heart. The less you see or hear of the relationship, the better.

Edited December 30, 2010 by NG85

[Mrlonelyone]

NG85

 

I am no psychologist...but that sounds like a classic case of her subconcious doing it's thing.

 

Here's an alternative. She changes her picture, unconsciously based on how her relationship with her BF is going and how her relationship with you is. Furthermore she may be more receptive to you when her relationship with the BF isn't going so well.

 

In my case could they be taking it slow... yes. Especially with a child involved. However knowing the psychology of the woman I don't think so. She likes to keep the man more emotionally involved than she is. While at the same time making noises like a relationship is more than it is. I would think that he, based on his writing to me, would have a picture of them. I mean who does not have a camera phone somewhere to snap a quick pic? :shrug:

 

My having a second chance was always at best...at best a 80/20 chance against. So the turn of events is not a shock to me.

 

Part of me does not believe that chance has changed all that much. The way I handled the situation.... not being intimidated by her nominal BF's posturing... would have impressed her. She said to me, once upon a time.... that my boldness was one of my more impressive traits.

 

One more thing.... If she looks at my FB which I think she does... This is what she will see

 

For the first time in a little while I wake up looking forward to the day.

Free to rise with the binds cut untethered looking forward to the day.

From the weight of the past, remembering, not wallowing and looking forward to the day.

 

With three of my female friends liking it.... The hint that it's intended for her eyes... is it's in the form of a Pakistani/Urdu Poem called a Ghazal.

Edited December 31, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[delajoonal]

The how to or how to stay away guide

 

 

Is there anything good that could come from FB-S if you want to reconcile?

 

What is better to be the stalker or the victim, which one has more control?

 

 

3 words...

block, block, block!

 

oh and if u can't do that...remember, THEY, can always fake their status on fb...i.e. put in a Relationship, when they prolly r not...

add pics of friends and fun times...but were from 3 yrs before they even met u...

 

my point,,fb is a big ol' fat lie...believe me..i did it...made the whole world think i was SO incredibly happy w/ my xbf, when in fact i had broke up with him weeks before and I was NOT happy...

 

fb is very deceptive...so what u read, or c, may not always be the truth...

keep that in mind.OK.

[NG85]

NG85

 

I am no psychologist...but that sounds like a classic case of her subconcious doing it's thing.

 

Hmmmm...Could you give a little more explanation on this? I'm a bit lost when it comes to psychology.

[Mrlonelyone]

Hmmmm...Could you give a little more explanation on this? I'm a bit lost when it comes to psychology.

 

Your sub conscious mind makes you do things without thinking. Most nonverbal communication behavior is that way.

 

On Facebook a persons profile pictures and status's take the place of body language.

 

A profile pic of you at your best makes people want to interact with you and have your picture show up as one of their friends etc etc.

 

A profile pic of you at your worst has the opposite effect.

 

Likewise... If a man or woman is alone in their profile pic it can send a number of subtle messages. Depending on the rest of the profile.

 

Interpreting these kind of signals was part of my job when I was a door to door salesman, and a census taker in 2000. I could tell within less than 3 seconds weather I was going to get a chance for a sale or if a person was receptive.

 

People often say one thing.... while their non verbal communication says something else... It's basically the way that cops or judges or jury's judge who's lying and who's telling the truth. There's nothing at all crazy about it...in fact it shows a lack of emotional intelligence if you can't read a persons true intent from such signs and signals.

 

Bringing that back to Facebook.. You have to bear in mind... that people may make an effort to be consciously deceptive on Facebook as a previous poster pointed out.

[SDA]

Two of my ex's best friends liked my status on facebook. It was a while ago we were still broken up. It said "chicken nuggets and snow, my favorite things" ahhaha because it was finals week and the dining commons had a late night snack and it was snowing.

 

Why would they do this? To make fun of me?

 

It just kinda popped in my head.