Can we be friends years later?

[White Flower]

Wow J Thorne that was unecessarily snarky - hes the one contacting me not vice versa. I see him from time to time because of our work not because when I have free time hes the one I call.

 

I know its not likely that we will ever have a real friendship again. He no longer has the power to hurt me because my feelings are not the same as they once were.

 

I guess it will be business as usual. Going out being polite doing whatever business needs to be done and getting out as quickly as possible.

 

If we ever had a friendship it would be a work friendship not a regular outside of work friendship. In my industry its common for people to have lunch and dinner every few months with people they do business with or want to do business with.

 

His W would never be interested in socializing with me even if we never had the A. I am not her type of woman, shes a socialite and we have little in common other than her H, and she is far too important to befriend the little people of this world like me and well known as a total biotch. I just found out one of my friends knows her from way back when and said she has always been and will always be a biotch so I am not overly interested in being her friend either. When I have met her she treated me like I worked for her... Pleasant but superior and just one step from could you get me more ice for my drink...but I do get why she feels the way she does about him. All those years of azzclown behavior are bound to wear on you even if you arent unpleasant so in her case its no wonder she grew indifferent quickly.

Snarky is as snarky does, lol. And I agree, it was unneccessary.

 

Yes, you can be friends with him. I get the sense that you are truly beyond, or getting there at least, any passionate feelings with exMM. You cannot help that you work together, you have proven that over the years in may threads, it is what it is. So make the best of it!

 

I have always been able to remain friends with exes. Sometimes the best friendships grow out of old Rs, especially when you have the ability to laugh at yourselves. This requires letting go of pride, of course, but I don't think you're the prideful type deep down.

 

I hope it all works out for you babe. It's been a long road.

 

Hugs.

[jj33]

Thanks Sid and WF. The W doesnt care and its not a real friendshp its a work friendship as I said in one of my earlier posts.

 

I have been friends with other exes over the years and also went to one's wedding when I was younger so I know its possible. I have realised I am not quite there yet with this, but working on it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Thanks Sid and WF. The W doesnt care and its not a real friendshp its a work friendship as I said in one of my earlier posts.

 

I have been friends with other exes over the years and also went to one's wedding when I was younger so I know its possible. I have realised I am not quite there yet with this, but working on it.

 

He's not one of your other ex's. Are you forgetting that this guy has a personality disorder? It is and always will be about him. He will charm you if it behooves him then sell you out to your business associates in the next breath. And JJ, once you realize a players MO, you can't unknow it, it will always be in the back of your head. It isn't at all about you being there or not, he'll never be friend material, he is a manipulator.

[jj33]

Thanks Wishes. You are right. It must be like childbirth. With the passage of time I forget alot of the pain.

 

Hes not my H so his issues are not mine to worry about. I just have to go that is that until the next time.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Thanks Wishes. You are right. It must be like childbirth. With the passage of time I forget alot of the pain.

 

Hes not my H so his issues are not mine to worry about. I just have to go that is that until the next time.

 

His issues have very much affected your life and given you cause to worry. And you are right, he is not your H, which means there doesn't have to be a next time unless you invite it. I hope you won't.

[jj33]

I do have to see him I just dont have to let it affect me. Hes not the only azzclown I have to deal with at work its just that due to our past, his antics got to me more. But with the passage of time he doesnt affect me the way he did. I know its difficult to understand why I need to deal with him but I do. Ive tried not dealing with him at all and that was worse than keeping the peace. He doesnt take get out of my life entirely well at all.

[jthorne]

jj, I was going to write out a post about being a woman in a male-dominated industry, protecting your reputation, and all that. I have another migraine, and just am not up to it.

 

All I will say is that your job and your reputation and your livelihood is much more important that having a so-called friend. A so-called friend that has causes you problems and possibly damaged your professional reputation in the past. The last thing you need is the "good ol boys network" chit-chatting about how you are "friends" again with this guy, no matter what the real deal is.

 

Hot guys to be "friends" with are out there. This one should be tossed aside like a pair of dirty underpants, IMO.

Edited December 28, 2010 by jthorne

[jj33]

J Thorne I hope you feel better. I know exactly where you are coming from and trust me I dont interact with him because he is attractive. I interact with him because not doing so is worse for my reputation. I have to say noone else in my field asks me out because I give out a one of the boys vibe and have lots of men with whom I get along well.

 

I realize we cant really be friends but not seeing him would be far worse than seeing him. Its just an hour maybe less and will keep the peace which is most important. Do I accept his invitations to go places with him? no I do not. That would set tongues wagging (why did he invite her when I invited him to dinner). That and I have no desire to spend my time that way even if its with other useful contacts.

 

Im careful not to see him when he has set up business/social things with other people because I cant control the situation and he has on occasion lapsed into coupley behavior like eating cookies off my plate etc. I only see him in customer meetings, industry functions where I avoid him when I can and every once in a long while when its not prudent to put it off anymore for an hour to keep the peace. The rest of our work contact is by email or by phone and there is nothing social about it. We have both become good about keeping it strictly business.

 

If tongues were going to wag, they have. I am mindful of the fact that all these years later I dont need people to think there is anything going on when that is such old news.

[White Flower]

Indeed! Those that recognize it are the ones that utilize it best.

Surely you must be right.

[SidLyon]

Surely you must be right.

 

How strange!

 

I keep seeing posts from Battle Axe in other peoples' responses to him/her. I never remember seeing the originals though. I suppose s/he's some sort of phantom poster in the hours when I'm asleep.

 

The posts never seem to be abusive or offensive; just a bit obscure.

[newpriorities]

J Thorne I hope you feel better. I know exactly where you are coming from and trust me I dont interact with him because he is attractive. I interact with him because not doing so is worse for my reputation. I have to say noone else in my field asks me out because I give out a one of the boys vibe and have lots of men with whom I get along well.

 

I realize we cant really be friends but not seeing him would be far worse than seeing him. Its just an hour maybe less and will keep the peace which is most important. Do I accept his invitations to go places with him? no I do not. That would set tongues wagging (why did he invite her when I invited him to dinner). That and I have no desire to spend my time that way even if its with other useful contacts.

 

Im careful not to see him when he has set up business/social things with other people because I cant control the situation and he has on occasion lapsed into coupley behavior like eating cookies off my plate etc. I only see him in customer meetings, industry functions where I avoid him when I can and every once in a long while when its not prudent to put it off anymore for an hour to keep the peace. The rest of our work contact is by email or by phone and there is nothing social about it. We have both become good about keeping it strictly business.

 

If tongues were going to wag, they have. I am mindful of the fact that all these years later I dont need people to think there is anything going on when that is such old news.

 

Any advice on how to get to this point? My A ended just a few weeks ago and we have to not only see each other every day, but meet at least once/week for purely professional reasons. We even have to go on a business trip in a couple of months. I'm definitely committed to this being over, but the pain of just sticking to business and NOT asking about personal stuff....how did you get there, if you don't mind my asking? I still find my xMM so attractive and when he makes me laugh, oh boy....

[jj33]

You just stop when you feel yourself about to go off track or when he says something you say ok or clear your voice or whatever and change the subject back to the business at hand.

 

It takes getting to a point where you no longer want to have that kind of relationship with him

 

Personally I am tired of feeling messed around. I dont want to amuse him or be amused by him. Hes married that is that. I am angry at this point that he thinks he can have access to me and my time as and when but at the same time hide behind "its just business" we have no personal relationship.

 

I believe you are much earlier on in the process than I am. There has been so much back and forth that I no longer find the attention amusing. I no longer find him amusing. Well I do but Id rather live without the amusement as it all became too complicated for awhile.

 

When you get sick of it, you will cut off the banter. Everyone has their own threshold.

[2sunny]

Unfortunately I am not in a financial position to give up or change my career. And he is a colleague so giving him an hour of my time with no expectations other than that it will further a positive foundation for our ongoing professional relationship is the best use of that hour.

 

He doesnt want any drama I dont want any drama. Actually writing it down, the idea of an actual friendsship is not possible until I am with someone new. He does still find me attractive but that is neither here nor there because he is also still married.

 

so let's play this out - or forward...

 

you respond to his call, or text... by reaching out.

 

you spend time and energy wanting him, thinking of him, hoping he'll change things for YOU.

 

you daydream about what "could be"

 

you meet and engage him in business conversation.

 

you waste more time and energy with manipulations on him by hoping there MAY be a chance in hell somewhere.

 

in the end you get:

 

wasted energy

wasted time

disappointed

time lost that could be spent on an AVAILABLE man

frustration

lost expectations

anger at self because you already knew the end result

feeling used because you allowed him to manipulate and control again

 

 

 

WHEN you get PAST him... you will spend your time and energy considering other men to date... healthy men, available men. IF you stay focused on your MM - you will never move forward. you owe it to yourself to get moving forward... only deal with MM on a business level - and as little as possible/needed.

 

get busy moving forward. to stay stuck in the past isn't living in the present.

[jj33]

Thanks 2sunny. I am going only because of business. And I suspect he feels the need to see me only because of the business relationship.

 

If someone asked me out I would go am going out next week. I dont envision a future with him anymore even if he left and somehow made up for the drama of the past 2 years. We just dont have enough in common and want the same thing in terms of a lifestyle to be a couple on a full time basis.

 

I think the best decision he made was not leaving. With everything that has happened I can now see that it would not have worked out.

[2sunny]

Thanks 2sunny. I am going only because of business. And I suspect he feels the need to see me only because of the business relationship.

 

If someone asked me out I would go am going out next week. I dont envision a future with him anymore even if he left and somehow made up for the drama of the past 2 years. We just dont have enough in common and want the same thing in terms of a lifestyle to be a couple on a full time basis.

 

I think the best decision he made was not leaving. With everything that has happened I can now see that it would not have worked out.

 

then stop wondering - and asking... and START LIVING!!!

[ladydesigner]

Thanks 2sunny. I am going only because of business. And I suspect he feels the need to see me only because of the business relationship.

 

If someone asked me out I would go am going out next week. I dont envision a future with him anymore even if he left and somehow made up for the drama of the past 2 years. We just dont have enough in common and want the same thing in terms of a lifestyle to be a couple on a full time basis.

 

I think the best decision he made was not leaving. With everything that has happened I can now see that it would not have worked out.

 

jj33 the bold is so true in so many ways for myself included. It's funny how you don't realize this until time has gone by. I would thank my XOM for ending with me, so that I could save my M and he save his long-term relationship. Such a stupid choice I made to have an A.

[White Flower]

How strange!

 

I keep seeing posts from Battle Axe in other peoples' responses to him/her. I never remember seeing the originals though. I suppose s/he's some sort of phantom poster in the hours when I'm asleep.

 

The posts never seem to be abusive or offensive; just a bit obscure.

Perhaps he/she has blocked you? Are you only seeing quotes or just a case of timing?

[SidLyon]

Perhaps he/she has blocked you? Are you only seeing quotes or just a case of timing?

 

Just seeing the quotes so maybe s/he has blocked me. Is there any way I can tell if someone's blocked me. Not that I mind of course...

[anne1707]

Just seeing the quotes so maybe s/he has blocked me. Is there any way I can tell if someone's blocked me. Not that I mind of course...

 

I think he/she has actually been banned and posts subsequently deleted hence why you cannot see the original posts.

[jj33]

then stop wondering - and asking... and START LIVING!!!

 

Im sure you meant well but how is that helpful. I am living and have had an amazing year. If I werent wondering (not about a future with him but how best to handle the interaction) I wouldnt have posted.

 

Telling me not to post is not helpful

[2sunny]

Im sure you meant well but how is that helpful. I am living and have had an amazing year. If I werent wondering (not about a future with him but how best to handle the interaction) I wouldnt have posted.

 

Telling me not to post is not helpful

 

i was referring to the space you allow it to take up in your mind... not necessarily about posting here - so sorry for the confusion.

 

what i was specifically referring to is the power that you give him when you allow thoughts of him to occupy your mind.

 

giving yourself the freedom to not think of him is progress. reward yourself with small things when you go for stretches at a time without any thought of him at all.

 

ps... he loves to keep in contact - that way he is assured that you have to think of him when he demands your business time. stick to business with him... grow the personal life for you... and areas that interest you - so that you stay occupied and busy enough NOT to think of him except when absolutely necessary...

[White Flower]

Just seeing the quotes so maybe s/he has blocked me. Is there any way I can tell if someone's blocked me. Not that I mind of course...

Yes, someone could check for you if they have not been blocked by her/him and report back to you.

[jj33]

Thanks 2Sunny. Im working on cutting down the head space. New year new chance to do better

[silverplanets]

Thanks 2Sunny. Im working on cutting down the head space. New year new chance to do better

 

Funny thing about headspace ... you kinda don't need to worry about cutting it down ... time does that for you ....

 

As new things come in to your life and the old is not re-activated so the new grows and the old fades ... so the headspace just kinda naturally dwindles.

 

Annoying thing is, of course, that a) it takes time and b) if someone doesn't respect your wish to stay away then it keeps the space fresh (and so it doesn't wither so quickly)

 

Just ramblings ...

Chris

:)

[jj33]

Exactamento. Its taken too long to wither. This last round got on my last nerve. I refuse to go into the new year wasting time on this. There is nothing more to say to him. He knows I bug out when he goes fishing like this. Sorry if he is bored with his life but Im not here to amuse him.