2 yrs gone in a matter of days, a week before trip to europe

[Stilicho]

hi, i am a first time poster, but have been lurking for the past week or so. This will be a bit long, but please bare with me, as i can really use your help and advice.

 

In september of 08, i first met her in a class of mine, as we both go to the same college. I am currently a senior, and her a junior. AT first we just talked about class and other small talk, but as time went by, it was easy to see the chemistry we had together. By the end of that december we began dating. Thing is though, when we first began dating, she was in the process of ending a relationship with her ex, whom she dated through her last 2 years of highschool. At first i didnt pay any heed to this, as she and i were honestly a perfect match. Her and i shared the same interests down to a t, had the same goals and wants in life, could talk about anything seemingly for hours, and were both very attracted to each other. As that fall semester ended, and we began dating, things between us got a little more serious during that winter break, as we would make a very concerted effort to see each other as much as possible. Thing is though, although her and her Ex were broken up, she still insisted on "hiding" me from her family for the time being, as her mom and her ex's mom were very close, and she feared her ex would kill himself if he found out she was dating someone else. She also revealed to me that during highschool, she once broke up with her ex and dated someone else for a month or so at the same time, thinking it was highschool bs, i though nothing of it.

 

As we got closer and closer to each other, i requested to be taken out of hiding, and she obliged me, funny thing is, her mom already knew, as most moms would. The following spring semester, We began spending great deals of time around each other, whether it was hanging out at each others houses after class, going out, or me going with her to the barn to watch her ride her horse. It seemed that the more time spent together, the happier we were. It was in that spring when i officially asked her "Out", and her answer could not have made me any happier, i was stricken with love for her. Towards the end of that very same semester, i confessed to her that i loved her, which brought her to tears, with her replying the same way. That same month, for my birthday, she surprised me with boxing tickets for a fight at msg, it was an incredible time.

With the spring drawing to a close, and summer heading our way, it seemed we could not grow any more attached.

 

With the summer here, we continued to spend days and night together, appreciating each other's time, and loving every minute of it. That summer, i worked alot, mainly to save up money for the planned birthday gift i was to give her, while she took classes and worked a bit as well. obviously, the remainder of our time we spent together, growing even closer, seemingly with no secret between us. That summer, we took a trip to the poconos, where we enjoyed a great time together. We also spent many days at the barn, where i watched in amazement as she took care of the horses and rode so effortlessly. later on in that summer though, she revealed to me that a guy from her job had been hitting on her through facebook, she told me she told him to cut it out, but i had my doubts for some reason. One day i asked her if he was still emailing her and she said no way, but i asked her to show me the messages, and when she brought up her account, it revealed that she indeed flirted back and exchanged a few messages with him. although there was nothing really substantial, i was very hurt that she could lie to me like that. although, her response and tears, and my love for her made me forgive her, i guess that deep inside, this aroused sometype of suspicion within me. For her birthday that year, i spent a month building her what is known as a tackbox. I built it from the ground up with red oak, and compleed it with engraved initials and a message of love to her, she was ecstatic.

 

At the end of that summer, her horse became sick and passed away from a colic. In short, she was absolutely devastated. Obviously, i tried everything i could to support her through this difficult time in her life, but at certain times, she would seem so depressed, that it seemed nothing i could do would help her. Seeing her in this condition always hurt me deeply. With her horse gone,our time spent together increased exponentially, for a number of reasons. One reason being, that with her horse gone(whom was a true friend to her), i became her only true friend and confidant, as when she left her ex, her girlfriends basically turned on her, as they were in the same social circle as her ex. I alwasy asked her if it bothered her that i was her only friend, and she always replied thati was all she needed, i naively, perhaps, believed her. Around this time, she also revealed to me, rather inexplicably, that she felt i was out of her league and that i was "better" than her, when asked wh, she had no answers, and i surely had no idea why she thought that way, as i absolutley cherished her.

 

As the fall semester went on, we spent countless hours together, sharing each others time, going to games, cooking for each other, taking each other to family events, etc. Everything began to seem right again with her. at the very end of the semester, i suffered a case of appendicitus, and truth be told, there was no one in the world i would have rather had at my side that her during that time. she was the one who insisted(and took) i go the the hospital, i insisted i was fine and it was food poisoning, lol. she turned out right, and the surgery was successful, throughout the entire time, she didnt leave my side, even though the pain i was in brought her to tears, for this, i am forever greatful. soon after this, we took a trip to atlantic city to see a fight, her gift to me for chrismas, in short, it was incredible to have the time alone with her. after the semester ended, we were at her house one night, when she revealed to me that due to her horse, and the time he rquired, and his subsequent passing away, she had began to severely underperform in school, and was most likely gonna be kicked out.

 

As soon as i heard this i made it my mission to help her get back in, and found out that if she took a winter class, it would be stalled, and that if she got an A, her GPA would go to the minimal required level. So, we registered her for a class, in which i did my best to help her study and receive an A, she did. The last thing she had to do, was to complete an 8 pg letter to the academic provost explaining why she performed as such and why she should be let back in. I did this for her on her behalf, as she had trouble completing it herself, for obvious reasons. When she received the letter in the mail announcing her reacceptance, i was so happy, it was as if i was re accepted myself.

 

Hapy for her, that spring, i tried my best to help her with classes, as we spent most of our time together. during that semester, i was with her when i got a call informing me that my grandmother, whom i cherished, had suffered a struck and was on her deathbed. She stood by me the entire time, through the passing away to the funeral, and for that time, she was my rock of support, and showed me how incredible of a person she was, only to have me fall deeper in love.the rest of the semester continued as usual, with her and i growing closer and talking of the future. Around this time, it was discovered that she filed her taxes wrong, and owed money, and due to her horses death, she was broke, i paid them off for her without her asking. As the previous summer started, we took a week long trip to Jamaica, where we both had an incredible time, a time ill always look back on with fond memories.

 

Fo the remainder of the summer, we spent time together as usual, partaking in many little day trips, as well as working and taking more classes(i needed the credits as i am a double major, she needed them boost her gpa). Soon, the summer ended, and the previous fall began. For her birthday, i surprised her with her requested gift of tickets to an opera, and a nice dinner in the city. As the semester wore on, we continued our routine, and began to plan and subsequently book a month long trip backpacking europe over winter break. Than, about 2 months ago, she told me that some guy from her job obtained her number from work, and was hitting in her through texts, and that she told him to stop. I thanked her for telling me, although, to be honest, i had some doubts about the circumstances. everyonce in a while i would ask her if he continued to do so, at work or on the phine, and she would reply emphatically no, and say that it hurt her to be asked. believeing her, i wouldnt press the issue.

 

about a month and a half ago, upon asking her this question, she replied that the guys dad died and that he hadnt been showing up for work, i replied that im sorry to hear that, as thats a terrible situation for anybody, but knowing thatshe loves to help people, i asked her to avoid letting this pull on her heartstrings, she replied of course not. as the semester wore down, i spent much if my time over the past 3 weeks, studying for finals and writing papers, around this time, she began telling me, rather inexplicably, that she felt unappreciated by me, to which i assured her it wasnt so, and that my love for her was obvious. I just figured that she took my time spent on school for lack of attention. Than, about a week and a half ago, after our last final, i took her out to eat, and we went shopping for clothes for our trip which was supposed to have started as i am typing this. afterwards, we returned to my house and layed down together. at about 11 o clock that night, she left for home, as was falling asleep, and she said her mom requested her home early, thinking nothing of it, i walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight, reminding her to call me when she arrived home to let me know she was in safe. she did so about half an hour later, although she said she had to be quiet as she entered the house, thinking nothing of it, i went to sleep.

 

My phone rang at 1 in the morning, and it was her mom calling, thinking something happened, i picked up, nervous for her safety. Her mom anwered, yelling at me that shes not home, i said what are talking about, she called me from ur house an hour and a half ago, at once, it hit me. She was out with another guy. I called her, and she picked up, in a somber tone, she told me that she had been talking to the guy at her job since his dad died, and that he was "sweet", and that she went to hang out with him after she left my house, and that they had kissed. heartbroken, i asked her how she could do it to me, after everything we shared, she replied she didnt know. The next day, we talked, and decided to try to work it out as i felt the need to try to fight for what we had, and to continue with our trip. That didnt last long, as the next day we both went to work, than afterwards talked a little more, and she asked e if i told my mom, i replied that i had, and at once her attitude towards me changed, saying that it would be too hard to continue if my mom didnt trust her, i said that shouldnt be important, what should be is if i can regain trust in her. to this she replied that she didnt think i could, and that she felt the guy form her job would and that he appreciated her, too which i said, are you kidding? the same guy that u cheated on me with? that u said u knew would never trust you? she than began to say that shes too young for what we had( a sentiment she NEVER echoed, if anything, she always asked for the opposite, even going so far to ask me to impregnate her on anumber of occasions), that maybe she was afraid of commitment, making it obvious to me that this guy had been turning her against me. That day, we ended our relationship of 2 years, as she apparently wanted to pursue the very same guy whom she had told me hours earlier, was "not the person for her", a grave mistake, "that she had nothing in common with him", that he "was a loser, with tattoos, going no where in life", and that she felt as if she talked to him only because she had no other friends but me.

 

Over the course of the next few days, i was absoulutely shocked as to how this could happen, why she did this, etc, leading to the worst holiday experience in my life. The few times ive talked to her since, she has grown into a cold, heartless, shell fo the person i knew, whom has told me that she now hates me, but wants to keep an open mind about me in the future, and that if what we had iwas meant to be, we would reconnect in the future. shocked by all this, needless to say, i have been hurt terribly, and now she says she needs her space til next semester, and after everything ive done for her(not t say she hasnt done them for me), for her to act like this to me, she can have it. to think we were supposed to go to europe together, and just a week before, she was sneaking around behind my back lying to me. I loved her with all my heart, as did my family and friends, and now, i am left feelig as if a part of me is gone, and now that part of me is a different person, presumably dating somebody that she admitted herself she is completely incompatible with. I believe she went to him because she felt she was better than him, as she was always a bit insecure, and vulnerable to his attention, as she lacked friends, but besides that, im at a loss for words, and i do still care for her and miss her, in spite of all this, as i would have done anything for the girl.

 

If anybody has any input or advice, please give it to me, it would be deeply appreciated. what do you think happened? etc

[Stilicho]

i know its a long read, but please try to get through and post a response, i can use the help....

[AbsoluteSucker]

It's a terrible situation, she got caught up in an emotional relationship with someone else. From my experience, those types of relationships often are short-lived and once the emotions of the experience begin to die done there is really nothing left, but in the mean time, she ruined what she had with you. This is just something people learn as they get older and don't put themselves in those types of situations.

 

She knows she did something wrong and hurt somebody she cared about, and she probably feels bad and that's why she has become cold and distant. The best thing is to just not talk to her. She put you in a terrible position, where even if she did apologize and wanted to get back, she wouldn't respect you if you did, which makes things impossible for both the two of you.

 

I don't know, the best thing is just to not talk to her. I mean, it's not going to feel right or whatever, but this is about you now, and the best thing for you is to just establish no contact no matter what she does and focus your energy on friends, family and being productive. If you go out, leave the cell phone at home and don't say anything that will make this worse for you or ask her why she did it, because there is no answer that is going to make it better, man.

[fltc]

She's gone, let her go. She'll come back or she won't. It'll be up to her, let her decide of she wants to come back, you have to decide if you want her to come back.

 

Personally, I'd say no, I don't want a cheater in my life although, as always, YMMV.

[Stilicho]

thanks absolutesucker, i was thinking along the same lines, although it has been hard to maintain NC. What hurts alot, is that on christmas day, she called me, and things were good for about ten minutes, til she said she needed space, and that she was keeping an open mind, even though just a few days prior, she informed me that she threw out our old pictures and things, and now "she feels as if she hates me". obviously, that shocked me, and further hurt me, and makes me wonder how she can say such a thing, i just feel shes turned into a different person and has been turned against me.... in spite of all this, i still care for her deeply and hope she is ok.

[Stilicho]

that seems to be the sentiment echoed by other such threads, may i ask though, what is ymmv?

[AbsoluteSucker]

She screwed up big time and brought unnecessary drama into her life, she is going to be all over the place and her feelings are going to change minute to minute, she's emotional, never been through a situation like this before and it's hard for her, but she did this to herself. It's not your responsibility and even if you wanted to, you CANNOT make this better for her no matter how much you still care.

 

The best thing you can to for yourself and even to her to an extent is to NC 100%. She cheated, she expects you to be p*ssed and that's what you need to be. It makes her even more confused when you talk to her and are nice to her after what she did, it does make her hate you, so stop it. No texts, emails, nothing, don't even explain what you are doing just do it. It's for the greater good, no matter how nice it may be to hear her voice or whatever, you're just kicking your own a** and every time you talk, she's liking you less and less.

[Stilicho]

sucker, do u have any idea why me talking to her would make her react this way? its all just so weird and out of the blue, im still having a hard time wrapping my head around this all.

[Graceful]

sucker, do u have any idea why me talking to her would make her react this way? its all just so weird and out of the blue, im still having a hard time wrapping my head around this all.

Stilicho,

 

You sound like a keeper. So sorry for the way your (ex) GF has treated you and for your confusion in all this.

 

You've both gone through a great deal during your relationship, and that includes the death of her beloved horse, which must have been a huge loss and caused her deep sorrow. When my pet died, I was severely traumatized and that alone, can take a toll on someone's emotional health. Your grandmother died, and that was a loss for you and your family, and your GF was there by your side for that as well. She almost flunked out of school, you helped get her back in. You have gone on vacations together, you know one another's families. You even went through appendicitis and she was there for you then as well.

 

So what I am thinking is that the intensity of this r/l got to her. It's not that she doesn't love you or care for you, but she suddenly wanted to maybe just be a single girl again, and have a chance to be on her own. Maybe she thinks she is missing out on something.

 

She's young. She's still growing and exploring. Picture her putting on an old jacket she used to love one day, and watching her rip the arm off b/c it fell apart from use and didn't really fit her anymore. That might be how she looks at you and your relationship right now.

 

So she's going after the polar OPPOSITE of you and what you stand for. It's almost like she's rebelling against the very thing she used to love. I don't think it's intentional on her part, I really don't. I think it's just a natural part of growing pains and something telling her she wants her space.

 

This is going to sound crazy, but you need to give her space and (this is really going to sound crazy, I am warning you!) -- you cannot take it personally. I really mean that. You of course, will, and you of course cannot help it, but this is not about anything you did, or said, or anything else about you., It's about HER and her need to be on her own.

 

She turned on you b/c she is rebelling against the stability of your r/l. Maybe this guy made her feel like she was missing out on something, which is of course crazy to you, but can you understand that she would start to feel like she needs to stand on her own, even if her decisions are not that wise, and even if her decisions are hurtful to you?

 

That's the hardest part to get. Why wouldn't she just sit down and tell you that she wants to be on her own, that she does not want to hurt you, that she still loves you, but she's just not happy anymore and feels stifled in your r/l? Wish I knew. She's immature. She wants to hurt you b/c she thinks it's easier to hurt you so you'll back off and leave her alone? She doesn't want you to love her anymore? I don't know, any of the above. I had concerns reading that she never really had any friends of her own, too. And that she had insecurities that were not assuaged by your love b/c those are her inner demons in a way. The new guy gave her a confidence boost, maybe she feels superior to him and that is what she needs to make herself feel (superficially) better about herself. She was the one dispensing advice and he needed her, so maybe that is the first time she really felt like she had something to offer someone. You were her knight in shining armor, and with this guy, she is maybe in the rescue role now. This is her way of trying to be like you were to her b/c she emulates you and respects what a good person you are. It seems like displaced respect, and it is, but you can't control it. What ever she is doing seems destructive, I know, but she has to go through it. I agree with suckerguy that you cannot control any of this, she owns it.

 

All I can say is give her space. Leave her alone. Don't contact her right now. And if by by chance she does contact you, let her do all the talking, just listen. Try not to worry.

[AbsoluteSucker]

I can't know exactly why she said those things to you, but my guess is that she knows she messed up and its human nature not to want to blame herself, so she's looking for excuses. In her mind, she is blaming you for not doing something to prevent her making this huge mistake, but there is nothing you could have done. Not only did she completely f*ck up the relationship with you, but she probably changed her relationship with this other guy for the worse, which obviously is not your concern.

 

I agree with Graceful, stick with the NC. Like I said if you talk to her, she's just going to have less respect for you. Ignore the phone calls, texts, and email etc...

[Stilicho]

graceful, thank you so much for the input, its pretty much exactly what ive been thinking. Do you think that down the line things could work out, or should i just ignore any future calls or texts and forget about her? i will keep NC and give her space, as i do think she needs it, and yes, it does hurt me that she couldnt talk to me about it, as ive always stressed the importance of open communication between us. also, last time i saw her, i gave her a letter that detailed our relationship, things i think went wrong, including on my part, how much she meant to me and wished her well, when i talked to her a few days letter, she said she hadnt read it bc it was too soon.... what do you think that means?

 

Sucker, thanks again, and im gonna try to keep the NC going, although i must admit, its hard not talking to her at night and when i wake, or knowing that shes O.k, u know? but, ill give her her space, and well see where that goes.

[Graceful]

graceful, thank you so much for the input, its pretty much exactly what ive been thinking. Do you think that down the line things could work out, or should i just ignore any future calls or texts and forget about her?

Hi Stilicho,

Glad I could give you a sanity check, and to hear your thoughts were similar to mine. I honestly think it's too soon to make any assessment about a future with her, but I do think you have to look at her behavior quite seriously to make a judgment call for yourself, as to the ability to really trust that she knows what she wants right now. And I'd say, she really doesn't know. So to even contemplate a reunion of any kind, no, that's not a good idea at all.

 

also, last time i saw her, i gave her a letter that detailed our relationship, things i think went wrong, including on my part, how much she meant to me and wished her well, when i talked to her a few days letter, she said she hadnt read it bc it was too soon.... what do you think that means?

She did not read the letter up to that point for a few reasons. She already knows that she hurt you, so she does not want that to fog up her mind right now, b/c there is a part of her that doesn't want to care about you, she wants to forge ahead on her own, so she does not want to be reminded or know what you are thinking. Saying "it's too soon" was perhaps her way of saying it's "too soon" to say good bye, in case the letter indicates your willingness to let go and wish her well and say good bye. In not reading it, she still has a piece of communication from you that keeps her tied to you in a strange way. She doesn't know what it says, and she's going to decide when the time is right to find out. You don't get to decide. Get what I mean?

 

This is just a feminine POV on why she didn't open it right away. If she had given you a letter, you would have opened it immediately, but the dynamic is quite different for what's going on for her.

 

Stay the course. No contact. And try not to worry. You're a very smart guy and I have faith in you.

[Karma20]

To be honest the whole comment about it not working because your mom doesn't trust her is a cop-out. If she wanted to be with you she would. Don't talk to her, disappear from her radar. I know it's hard but it does get easier. Don't worry about if she'll come back just worry about healing your heart. Hang in there, it does get easier.

[Stilicho]

thanks graceful, and your right, i fully believe that she doesnt know what she wants right now, and she has basically echoed that same sentiment, thing is though, i still feel like shes a good person at heart, but that she just got caught up in this whole thing, and for some reason, i have this strange feeling that its not really finished, and that this is just some phase she has to go through. obviously, i cannot just sit around and hope/wait for her, as that would not be healthy, but i do still feel like if she truly wanted to give it another chance, we might be better off, now that we had time to reflect upon ourselves, u know? but at the same time, i would never be able to take her back if she ended up sleeping with this guy, as that would simply hurt too much, but at the same time, i dont think she would do something like that anytime soon.

 

also, i know i should keep no contact, but do you think that i should try to reach out to her a week or two down te line and see how shes doing? or should i just wait for her? also, why do u think she returned the jewelry and gifts ive gotten her?

[Von]

She already slept with the other guy. That's the first thing she did to help sabotage the relationship with you.

 

You know, your relationship is nothing like mine was, but your making the same mistakes post breakup I did. Your so blinded by your emotions you can't see the reality of what's going on. She is going to use you and string you along to help her get over you while keeping you on the backburner as a backup plan. But she has no intention of ever being with you again. It's just something the dumper does and it's really ****ed up. I myself tried doing no contact but it was so hard because of my wussy emotional state I was in I ended up getting strung along for 2 months and had my heart ripped out of my chest. Do you really want that to happen to you?

 

Listen to what these people are telling you. Grow a pair and let her go. Go full No Contact and completely ignore her. Don't ever talk to her ever again unless she comes crawling on her hands and knees at your door, and by then you'll have someone new and will kick her back to the curb she came from.

 

Lifes hard but this is the truth.

[Stilicho]

Von, i truly believe that she has not slept with the guy, as of yet at least, as i know her pretty well, and i just dont think that occurred, but, i will keep up the no contact, and its not that im worried about finding someone else, its just that out of all the girls ive been with, and its quite a few, there was always something about her, like a magnet, that keeps me interested, when im around her, its as if i feel empowered by her companionship. but, i am not stupid, i will keep NC, and, we shall see how that works.

[Graceful]

thanks graceful, and your right, i fully believe that she doesnt know what she wants right now, and she has basically echoed that same sentiment, thing is though, i still feel like shes a good person at heart, but that she just got caught up in this whole thing, and for some reason, i have this strange feeling that its not really finished, and that this is just some phase she has to go through. obviously, i cannot just sit around and hope/wait for her, as that would not be healthy, but i do still feel like if she truly wanted to give it another chance, we might be better off, now that we had time to reflect upon ourselves, u know? but at the same time, i would never be able to take her back if she ended up sleeping with this guy, as that would simply hurt too much, but at the same time, i dont think she would do something like that anytime soon.

 

also, i know i should keep no contact, but do you think that i should try to reach out to her a week or two down te line and see how shes doing? or should i just wait for her? also, why do u think she returned the jewelry and gifts ive gotten her?

I'm sorry to say this, but no, you should not reach out and contact her. Whether she responds or not, you are leaving yourself open to being hurt and even worse, to find out things you really do not want to know.

 

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but this is a person who has broken through to another part of herself that she doesn't even really know. You've had a chance to date other people, but she hasn't, and she must have woken up one day and knew she felt like she was being stifled. Again, this was no reflection on you!! This is just coming of age for her. I mean, the fact you treated her so well doesn't mesh with her decision to leave the r/l, that's why you have to see that it's another reason.

 

She returned gifts? Holiday gifts, or previous gifts? Well, she does not want to feel obligated to you in any way. And she knows she can't use or wear the gifts for the obvious reasons. I'm sure that hurt. That's a hard line. She is taking very hard lines with you. The advice you are getting here from the guys is a lot more direct then mine, but we are all saying the same thing, I am just more gentle and I don't want to crush you. But you have to see that your GF is taking a stand, and the only thing you can do is let her take it.

 

And if she does sleep with the new guy, I agree. That's your boundary line, no looking or turning back. Don't think about that just yet. Too much too soon.

[Stilicho]

thanks graceful, i am taking your advice in kind, and yes, it has been hard, but i will maintain NC, and maybe, if she reads the letter, it wont be too late, but if she does sleep with the guy, i will not be open to anything with her, as i feel ive done simply too much to allow her to hurt me like that.

[fltc]

may i ask though, what is ymmv?

 

Sorry, it's an acronym for the "Your Mileage May Vary" disclaimer about fuel economy used in most automobile ads.

 

It's become a common expression meaning everyone's different and what's right for me may not be right for you.