Weird Relationship with Mother-in-Law

[Bittersweetie]

This being the holiday season, we're all spending time with our in-laws. I have a weird relationship with my mother-in-law...she basically tries to ignore me as much as possible. My H and I have been married over 11 years and together much longer than that. Yet whenever we get together, it's like I don't exist. She rarely acknowledges my presence, even in my own house.

 

It wasn't always like this, but then some years ago it started. A family picture published in a magazine was the only one I wasn't in. During a family vacation, all the women in the family got money for manicures except me. Leaving me off the family Christmas e-mail letters. Other things like that...so much that it got to be a joke within our generation of the family, how I'm number #5 on the Daughter-in-law list, below the cats.

 

My H is aware of how this bothers me, and usually he says it's not a big deal, to not worry about it. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to (I guess I'm used to it), but it is difficult, especially since my parents go out of their way to make my H feel so included. I would ask him to try to say something to her, but usually he didn't. Though this year, when she left me off the Christmas email, my H did ask her about it. She "didn't have my address handy." He didn't push further, but later she did forward it to me, CC'ing my H.

 

I spent some time with her over the holidays, and tried to observe things more closely between us. I realized that I could have more initiative in starting conversations, so I will try that next time. I probably stopped initiating at some point because I got blown off so much. But, that's a step I can take.

 

Does anyone else have experience with this dynamic? Or suggestions on how I can try to be more proactive about mending this?

[quankanne]

that's a hard one – until you figure out what the basis for her odd behavior is, there's no real way to address the issue. However, you can treat her with kindness and politeness ... at some point she'll maybe see that despite how SHE treats YOU, you have always been respectful of her.

 

do you think she's jealous of your relationship with her son, that you "take his time away" from her because y'all are married? Or is it some quirk she has, singling someone out to focus her displeasure on by ignoring/thwarting them? It's entirely possible that it's not you, but just how she deals with things.

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks for the words of advice, Quankanne. Sometimes I think it goes back to years ago when my FIL passed on (they were divorced a long time ago). My H and his brothers had to travel to the other side of the world for ceremonies and I helped plan that trip. The boys kind of depended on me at that time and I wonder if that put her out in some way. Also, she likes to have control and my H and I have never let her push us around...she may very well blame that on me, even though it's more a joint decision.

 

I am going to just stick to being polite and respectful and see how it goes. Maybe if something totally obvious and disrespectful happens, I'll ask my H to address it, but until then I'll deal since I only see her a few times a year!

[quankanne]

wow, sounds like she's a little bit of a control freak, and yeah ... you not sucking up to her would most likely annoy her because then she doesn't have that control. Bless her heart!

 

definitely kill her with kindness when you must, but otherwise ignore her.