I dumped him, so why do I feel like he left me?

[i made a mess]

So as I've posted previously...I left my ex...multiple times, due to issues committing and trusting that he really wasn't going to leave me.

 

I'm still beating my head against the wall trying to figure out what happened. I had been coming around back in November, realizing that I had a problem, but that I wanted to work on it so I could really invest myself into this relationship that I had with the most wonderful man I'd ever met. He finally dips his toe in the water and attempted to invite me over on 11/14 but he kept talking about how tired he he was, and didn't want to fall asleep, but that he was going to invite me over. I didn't go...he made it seem to me like he was just letting me know that he had been going to but wasn't now. (I am a straight forward person, so I don't understand when people aren't just straight forward back with me). I said, lets hang out when I don't have a cold and you aren't tired. I didn't mean it as a blow off. I even asked him over 2 days later...but after the "I am in control of this relationship" rollercoaster that I put him through, I am sure he took it as "oh well it's convenient for me now to invite you over". He of course shot me down and said he was "a little busy doing laundry. sorry".

 

Then 3 days later (if not before) he's changed his number? I wasn't blowing his phone up, I wasn't texting him non-stop. I don't feel like I did anything to cause someone to literally change their phone number. My therapist said him inviting me over was probably his last ditch attempt to try to work things out and when he felt like I rejected him he had to do something to start getting over me.

 

I know I shouldn't think I deserve another chance. I sent him the letter apologizing for my behaviour, telling him how great I think he is and that I am sorry for putting him on the emotional rollercoaster but that I'm ready to do whatever it takes and work as hard as I have to, to regain his trust. No begging, no pleading.

 

I haven't heard a peep. I feel like he dumped me at this point though he was probably just fed up with my shenanigans. It kills me. I don't even know that he got the letter. I sent it to his old house where his best friend still lives since I couldn't remember his mailing address due to it being a condo complex. I'm dying inside because there was no "don't call me anymore", no "i just need time and space". I would have gladly honored that. Just absolutely nothing and I'm left scratching my head and over analyzing that last conversation we had when he invited me over. It just plain sucks and I am beyond irritated with myself.

 

Anyone else just literally had someone disappear after a year without any way to reach them or even hear a peep from them ever again? I'm just utterly lost right now.

[BlindRage]

Why do you even want him back? Is it his rejection towards you that is fueling your sudden enlightenment of how "great" he is? It does seem like you are attempting to manipulate the relationship by ditching him and expecting him to return to you in a heart-beat the minute it best pleases you. At first, you mentioned what you didn't like about him, but then, you talk about his detachment from you and how a light bulb turned on in your head on how much you miss him and want to patch up the errors in the relationship. It seems like you want to just be in utter control of the entire situation and you hate him turning his back on you. Have you ever stopped to think maybe he needs time to figure it out on his own without you in the picture? Believe the worst mistake I did was wanting to fix a broken relationship(in the process I got extremely hurt) nothing positive comes out of it. You tossed him out like a garbage bag in the rain... and now you want to bring him back inside?!?! Maybe, what you need is to find yourself too.

 

 

Oh, and one more thing. To answer your question, I'll tell you what is the reason on why you feel he "dumped" you. The reason is because you cannot handle rejection.

Edited December 27, 2010 by BlindRage

[WTRanger]

I left my ex...multiple times, due to issues committing and trusting that he really wasn't going to leave me.

 

So your fear of him leaving you caused you to leave him? Don't you see that you just created a self fulfilling outcome? You have a fear of people leaving you, so you leave them first but can't take it so you try again and again. Then, when the other person finally gives up as in this case, you can claim that everyone always leaves you.

 

You need to figure out how to stop that irrational fear before you even try to jump into another relationship. You just just end up repeating this over and over again. I think you have the issue committing, not him, but you project those issues onto him.

 

Sorry to tell you, but this guy has had enough of your on again off again behavior. As BlindRage said, you really need to discover yourself first.

[durkadurka]

Jeeze I hate to say it but I HATE girls like you.

 

Seriously, you debated leaving your ex over and over and left him walking on egg shells so he finally decided to leave and that surprises you?

 

Summer of '09 my ex was miserable, by November she was looking up apartments in her home town, making no effort to improve her situation where we lived. She then started looking at property to buy, flights, and other opportunities.

 

She never made anything better, she just made me more nervous which made our relationship spiral out of control.

 

Be committed, or don't be committed but don't dilly dally.

[2010_Sorry]

It sounds like you controlled most of your previous relationship with the ex. His comments about "going to" invite you over and making excuses that he was tired sound like he was testing you. I'm thinking he needs to feel that he has the control of the *NEW* relationship... (if it happens), and your opting NOT to go over that night was showing your control again.

[i made a mess]

I don't hate him at all...and I'm not trying to control the situation at this point in time. I'm simply stating that I'm sad that he just completely disappeared. I know that it was with good reason. Believe me. I don't hate him in the least for what he's doing.

 

I truly wish he had just said something along the lines of "I need space" or "I'm done and walking away" rather than just completely disappearing. He's a police officer so when I couldn't reach him, my mind obviously went to the worst thoughts.

 

I think you misunderstand my intention with this post. I had been coming back around. I even told him that I know that I messed up and I wanted to work on fixing things with our relationship and with myself before he completely disappeared after the "inviting me over but not inviting me over" fiasco.

 

BlindRage - I was trying to work things out before this "rejection". I knew that he was different and that i had issues I needed to work on within myself so that I could be all the things he deserved. It's not him disappearing that makes me want him. I wanted him all along, I jsut didn't know how to tell him without it making me want to run in the opposite direction before he could tell me he didn't feel the same. There was never an indication that he would do that. Only the fear within me based on previous experiences.

 

I was mostly at fault, I accept and willingly admit that. I did keep control of the relationoship. I have strong trust/commitment issues as I've posted before. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a victim here at all and if he did this because that was his first step in getting over me...good for him! But the way he went about it, when he was so open to talk to me before is just what has thrown me for a loop.

 

I guess it's the whole "shoe on the other foot" that I'm feeling right now. I know I was a jerk and what I did, when I hate that all of my exes did it to me and I swore I would never do it to someone else. Trust me. I hate people like me and on most days, even when I was in the relationship I hated myself. I'm not trying to downplay what I did whatsoever. Just really pissed at myself for what I did and confused about how to move forward when I got myself into this mess in the first place.

[2010_Sorry]

Sorry if I misunderstood your post.

 

Try to work on forgiving yourself for the decisions you have made in the past. Remember that you cannot change what you have done, but you can learn from it and change your behavior in the future.

 

Maybe all he needs is some time to see that you're serious about wanting him back. Just be patient and work on yourself. It's easier said than done though... I'm in the same boat.

[J0N]

I am sort of in the same situation, as your ex. When we broke up I made one last attempt to "fix" things. She turned me down. After that point I decided that as far as she would ever be concerned, I had died. I completely removed myself from her life, I threw away or donated everything she ever gave me. I got rid of the photos, blocked her, her friends, and her entire family on FB. I can kind of sympathize with your ex (sorry I am not trying to be mean, rather just offer an explanation). I decided that I was not going to prolong this whole ordeal by hanging on to her. Rather, I was going to take my life, future, and sanity into my own hands and move forward to other opportunities. It is hard to lose someone that you love and really care about, especially when you put alot into the relationship. Some guys (myself included) find it easier to just completely vanish, its the quickest way to get over someone. Again I am not trying to be mean, just offer my $.02

[WTRanger]

You can't let fear from previous experiences control your future. While times this is good for us, such as learning that fire = hot, this is bad for us in relationships. You start to think that closeness = eventual pain. While that can be true, you can't let that control you.

 

You can't use your past relationships to predict, understand, or control your present relationship. If you do that, that present becomes the past without you even knowing it. The only way to operate is by experiencing the present relationship.

 

Not falling back on the answers rising from past relationships but functioning from your present consciousness is called understanding in a relationship. Remember, your mind is like a radio you can't turn off. When you give your mind power over your fears, they will control you.

 

You spent this entire past relationship wondering when he was going to leave you, instead of just experiencing the relationship itself. It's like the saying, "I eat when I eat, and I sleep when I sleep." Think about that, do you really ever just eat and enjoy the food or do you wolf the food down and think about other problems in your life? Right before you sleep, do you focus on sleep or do you dwell on what you are going to do the next day or the horrible day you just had?

[BlindRage]

I don't hate him at all...and I'm not trying to control the situation at this point in time. I'm simply stating that I'm sad that he just completely disappeared. I know that it was with good reason. Believe me. I don't hate him in the least for what he's doing.

 

I truly wish he had just said something along the lines of "I need space" or "I'm done and walking away" rather than just completely disappearing. He's a police officer so when I couldn't reach him, my mind obviously went to the worst thoughts.

 

I think you misunderstand my intention with this post. I had been coming back around. I even told him that I know that I messed up and I wanted to work on fixing things with our relationship and with myself before he completely disappeared after the "inviting me over but not inviting me over" fiasco.

 

BlindRage - I was trying to work things out before this "rejection". I knew that he was different and that i had issues I needed to work on within myself so that I could be all the things he deserved. It's not him disappearing that makes me want him. I wanted him all along, I jsut didn't know how to tell him without it making me want to run in the opposite direction before he could tell me he didn't feel the same. There was never an indication that he would do that. Only the fear within me based on previous experiences.

 

I was mostly at fault, I accept and willingly admit that. I did keep control of the relationoship. I have strong trust/commitment issues as I've posted before. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a victim here at all and if he did this because that was his first step in getting over me...good for him! But the way he went about it, when he was so open to talk to me before is just what has thrown me for a loop.

 

I guess it's the whole "shoe on the other foot" that I'm feeling right now. I know I was a jerk and what I did, when I hate that all of my exes did it to me and I swore I would never do it to someone else. Trust me. I hate people like me and on most days, even when I was in the relationship I hated myself. I'm not trying to downplay what I did whatsoever. Just really pissed at myself for what I did and confused about how to move forward when I got myself into this mess in the first place.

 

Well at least you know it is you who is to blame. You said yourself "I needed to work on within myself so that I could be all the things he deserved" so what are you trying to achieve into jumping into a relationship with him right now while you still have emotional/mental baggage? I know you are hurt, believe me, when my girlfriend of two and a half years left for me in a heartbeat for someone I later found out she only knew for two weeks it was painful. I was near death and I hope now I haven't damaged my internal organs with the OD of pills I started taking to self-medicate.

 

One thing you should know though is at this point you have absolutely NO right to be in a position of wanting an answer for your questions from him. He does not owe you ANYTHING. The second you left him is the second you lost that privilege. What I think you should do is from this relationship it does seem like you learned a lot about yourself and what you want in a relationship. Take this as an opportunity to seek help for your trust issues. Once you actually feel really (and by that I mean 200%) stable, look for a person that is compatible with you. Don't jump into a relationship right now. Let this relationship pass and now focus on yourself. You deserve that. You'll find someone better and don't say "I only want him and there isn't anyone that matches him" because we both know that is not a fact. Don't lie to yourself either. Ask yourself questions: What was I planning on getting from this relationship? Why did I break-up with him?(on this one I'm commenting on you broke-up with him because you know you could live without him and you weren't 100% in love either, if you were, why the hell would you have dumped him in the first place???????) well questions like that if you get my point.

[Woggle]

The best thing to do at this point is learn from it. I hate to be harsh but you ruined it and the faster you realize that the better off you will be in the future.

[Biker2007]

Made a Mess,

 

The answer is pretty simple. You mentioned that you broke up with your X many times and then got back together with him. Most guys that have self respect will not give you that many times to play with their emotions or make them ride a roller coaster of the highs and lows as you break up and get back together with them...sounds to me like your X felt as if you were just keeping him around as an option and said "enough is enough".

 

At this point, it seems like you have a couple of options:

 

• If you truly care about him, you need to make an effort to meet him in person and apologize. It may already be too since you have shown a history of inconsistencies with him. Words (and letters) are cheap but your actions say how you really feel toward someone.
  
• If he won't see you, well, then you must move on and learn from this experience.
  

It sounds like you are becoming self aware and understand how your actions affected the relationship. That is the first step. The other posters were right on when they mentioned that you need to get your self together before you either continue the current relationship or start the next one. Again, it is pretty simple...treat your significant other with the same love and respect that you want and deserve". It is not that difficult.

 

Your story is very relevant to me. The X that brought me to LS treated me (and most of her other Xs) in a similar manner. She also had a similar family history from what I read in one of your earlier posts.

 

After an amazing start to our relationship, she became very hot and cold. The relationship was very brief but intense with her. It felt as if our relationship was too good to be true and then she just freaked on me. She became very inconsistent with her actions towards me (as it sounds like you did towards your X). I determined that I had enough of her hot and cold crap. I walked away from her over 3 years ago and never spoke to her again. Her actions just did not match what she was telling me.

 

Good luck and I wish you all the best.

[LifeIsGreat]

I also had a very similar gf. Yes, we will get tired of the crap eventually. However, if overall your relationship was good (for both of you), you may have a shot with this guy if you truly want it. Maybe it's just me, but I'm the kinda guy that will give multiple opportunities.

 

I haven't seen any of the other details of your relationship, or how long you were together, but I do think there is hope.

 

You have said to him what you want to say, now you must leave it alone. No doubt he is angry right now, and hurting too. With some time (especially if the relationship was otherwise OK), he may start to miss you and may even reach out to you.

 

The key here is that you must take responsibility and look into what you will do differently next time. That next time may be with your recent ex, or it may wind up being with someone else.

[rhonian]

Just want to say.....that I have been in the shadows following along with this thread. Everyone here is so wise. Through my reading you all have managed to pick apart my relationship too and helped me to not take on all the guilt after I ended my relationship. Its something about my personal wiring that I tell myself,"If I would of just done this, If I would of just done that" but truth is I ended it for a reason and it is exactly what Biker said, THE HIGHS AND LOWS, that roller-coaster SUCKS! I absolutely,definitely made mistakes in my relationship but it was her inability to trust/forgive that lingered on and affected her ability to show affection to me. One of our issues was her son, lets just say, that I didnt agree with the way she was raising him and it causes issues at times. We had just spent 4 days in Tampa, Fl and had a wonderful time. We get back and its her time with her son. I took a concentrated effort to really bond with him. Without her knowing, I went up in his room and gave him a hug and said, "Its really good to see you." (he hadnt seen me for awhile because her/I were dealing with another breakup) I was helping him with his homework. We were playing games on the internet, etc. I even walked into the kitchen that night while she was cooking and said to her, "Things are really going good right now so lets be on high alert for something to go wrong and stop it before it does." The next day, we got into a stupid fight where she took something I said and TOTALLY twisted it. I couldnt take it any longer (HIGHS AND LOWS) and I walked out. At present, 19 NC.......

[Woggle]

I want to say another thing. I am not accusing you of this but many times when a woman dumps a man and acts distant he will bend over backwards trying to please her and trying to make her happy with no results at all. Nothing he ever does is good enough for her but the minute he moves on and doesn't want the relationship anymore she all of a sudden realize how much she loves and how good he was to her. They want what they can't have and I would guess that he is probably thinking this is the case with you. If you do want a chance of having him back he needs to know you are sincere and it's not just a case of wanting what is unavailable. He us afraid that the minute he lets you back in the drama will start all over again.

[i made a mess]

I want to say another thing. I am not accusing you of this but many times when a woman dumps a man and acts distant he will bend over backwards trying to please her and trying to make her happy with no results at all. Nothing he ever does is good enough for her but the minute he moves on and doesn't want the relationship anymore she all of a sudden realize how much she loves and how good he was to her. They want what they can't have and I would guess that he is probably thinking this is the case with you. If you do want a chance of having him back he needs to know you are sincere and it's not just a case of wanting what is unavailable. He us afraid that the minute he lets you back in the drama will start all over again.

 

Well I can honestly say that I haven't taken any if these posts offensively. It's actually nice to have someone call me on my actions rather than how friends just try to make you feel better. I told him how I felt, said I'd like to start over and will work as hard as I have to to show him I'm in it. It's not a case of realizing how good it was now that he was gone. I knew within the first 2 dates that he was the guy I'd been waiting for. I absolutely agree that I need to work on myself before we could have a real shot at making it work. So while he is NC I am seeing a therapist, working on ways to face my insecurities head on and improve a little more each day. So whether he comes back or down the road I meet someone else, I never drag them through this again. I truly, 100%, am sincere in my actions and intent of wanting him back. I have not thought about dating anyone or even hooking up with anyone. There has never been anyone else.

[i made a mess]

Not falling back on the answers rising from past relationships but functioning from your present consciousness is called understanding in a relationship. Remember, your mind is like a radio you can't turn off. When you give your mind power over your fears, they will control you.

 

You spent this entire past relationship wondering when he was going to leave you, instead of just experiencing the relationship itself. It's like the saying, "I eat when I eat, and I sleep when I sleep." Think about that, do you really ever just eat and enjoy the food or do you wolf the food down and think about other problems in your life? Right before you sleep, do you focus on sleep or do you dwell on what you are going to do the next day or the horrible day you just had?

 

This is what I'm working on now. Just learning to enjoy the present and take it as it comes. I have a hard time not using past experiences as a guide for relationships now. When I'm not doing that I'm thinking about 5 years down the road and the what if this happens mentality. I am trying to just learn how to have fun again instead of worrying all the time. It's hard for me to relax sometimes and your statement about focusing on the food while your eating it and focusing on sleep before bed instead of everything else is something I need to do a lot more of. I'm a work in progress and really trying. My ex is the first person that has made me want to seek help to be a better person.

[Breakupguy12]

I admire you for admitting to making some mistakes that could've costed you this relationship. Don't beat yourself up about it, though, as you can't rewind time. In order for a relationship to move forward, both parties must agree on that. That isn't the case here, as it's only you. You have to find the courage to let time begin to heal the wounds of this relationship being over.

 

In due time you will look back at this relationship as a blessing, as you will have learned many lessons that you can put to work in your next relationship. You won't get there, though, until you instill NC and stick with it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

As with any relationship, each partner's heart responded to two things:

 

A - the other partner

 

B - their own investment IN the relationship

 

 

Speaking only with his best interests in mind here, if you dumped him, then he is being incredibly (healthy) in severing ties and making a strong effort to move on with his life elsewhere. (the alternative is to be stalled in place and pining for someone who rejected him)

 

(again, that doesn't make YOU any sort of a bad person - it is just the most healthy angle from his point of view)

 

 

In addition, it makes perfect sense that your emotional investment IN him would not evaporate the moment you broke-up with him (barring assault, or cheating, or any of a variety of crimes, etc.). Of course you are hurting now, particularly if you broke it off as part of some sort of a pattern relating to your seeming fear of abandonment.

 

With regard to his inviting you over. It is too easy to accept any excuse to avoid stating our feelings, and in that case you let immaturity win out and didn't RISK making yourself vulnerable to him and letting him know that you clearly wanted to come over.

 

At least you finally showed that vulnerability when sending him the letter, but you don't even know if he ever got it.

 

 

Just a lot of lessons learned, none of which will keep you from enjoying a thriving future somewhere...

 

Tomorrow is the first day of that future!

[TheGrimSweeper]

I made a mess you sound identical to my ex.

 

Her parents almost seperated when she was 5 (and are currently seperating for real now) and she has the exact same trust issues and fear of relationships ending that you do. She thinks all relationships are doomed to fail and its only a matter of time before they end. She was very hot/cold after we had dated for just over a year, some days so in love with me, others like she wanted nothing to do with me.

 

She ended it once with me and I took her back, cause she said had everything figured out, but she didnt and she ended it again 6 months later (now almost 2 years together). To be honest I look back now and should of realized she still had these problems and I never should have gotten back into it.

 

She needs to work on these issues and realized she'll never be happy in a relationship until she can sort these out and be happy with herself.

 

She ended it a month ago, and I went complete NC right after. I sent her a christmas card and she sent me a gift and a letter saying she thought I hated her and wanted nothing to do with her, which wasn't true, but I was tired of the hot/cold and realized she needed to figure her stuff out and wouldn't be able to do that if I still hung around as her friend (which I said no to when she asked). I replied to her letter and we talked for a little bit having an understanding of each other. She realizes she needs help with these issues and is going to get them.

 

She starts therapy tomorrow so it looks like she is finally trying to get these issues resolved. If she can seriously come down and prove to me that shes rid herselves of all these issues then maybe something can happen between us again. I'm not waiting around though and not going to contact her in anyway until then.

[1/2moon]

If you are SERIOUS about wanting him back and have gotten your head together, then PROVE it. You need to demonstrate with genuiness that you have grown, that you have improved your own emotional and mental health. Sincerity in one's heart cannot be ignored by another.

 

ALso, realize that he may not be able or willing to take another risk with you or on you. That is the gamble you took when you left him many times and at some point he needed to do what was best for him. You chose to walk away to get it together, the question now is do you really have it together and are worthy of him and are willing to demonstrate that worth?

[TheGrimSweeper]

If you are SERIOUS about wanting him back and have gotten your head together, then PROVE it. You need to demonstrate with genuiness that you have grown, that you have improved your own emotional and mental health. Sincerity in one's heart cannot be ignored by another.

 

ALso, realize that he may not be able or willing to take another risk with you or on you. That is the gamble you took when you left him many times and at some point he needed to do what was best for him. You chose to walk away to get it together, the question now is do you really have it together and are worthy of him and are willing to demonstrate that worth?

 

This says it all. And also do him a favour and dont come back until your 100% certain your ready and it wont happen again. If your lucky enough he would take you back you better be for certain its for real.