Does it sound like I still have a chance?

[2010_Sorry]

I received this e-mail from my XH. I was the dumper, we separated 18 months ago:

 

"I hope you had a good Christmas... I am sure yours was as "interesting" as mine. Waking up Christmas morning alone was VERY weird. I was also really down Christmas night after leaving the boys with you.. It hit me like a 2 X 4 that your Christmas Day was a huge part of our family that I loved and missed.... It was really difficult... I pushed through it, but I sure hope that day gets easier... "

 

Does it sound like I may still have a chance at reconciliation? This little excerpt caused me to break down in tears for an hour.... 4 steps forward, 3 steps back....

[Surfer203]

2010_Sorry: Hmmm.. sounds like there are still some feeling there but it sounds like he knows he has to continue to move on honestly. Can't be totally sure, maybe you should ask him?

[Karma20]

You dumped him so it is up to you reach out and tell him you want another chance. If he knows then he will tell you if he wants to give it to you. Unless he says he wants you back, I know it's hard but you can't read into anything he says.

[2010_Sorry]

Thanks surfer & karma.

 

I have told him I want another chance. He has told me that he's not ready... I spent the last month and a half doing limited contact (only as it pertains to our kids) and giving him some space. Then I get this e-mail...

 

My first husband (not the one above) stopped over this AM to pick up our son and saw that I had been crying. He told me that the second husband still loves me, to give him time... and he will come back.....

 

I'm honestly a wreck again... I thought I was doing so well!

[Woggle]

He still loves you but at this point he does not trust you. I mentioned in the other thread that many women once a man moves on she all of a sudden wants what she can't have. He needs to know this is not the case with you and that you are sincere. You need to see it from his point of view and understand why it is so hard for him to trust you again.

[Karma20]

If he knows then give him space and time to decide whether he will give it to you. Keep the contact only about the kids and as minimal as possible. It always seems that when someone is starting do okay that something happens to set them back. That's why I say as hard as it is, unless he says he wants you back then try not to read into it. If he doesn't trust her now then anything she says isn't going to matter. Sometimes you have to let someone move on in order for them to come back.

[Surfer203]

I am sorry you are in pain again. It hurts to want to be with some one that does not want to or is not with you at the moment. I know that pain well. You might want to continue to give him space but perhaps strike a CASUAL conversation about the potential for a future relationship between the two of you. Put your feelings out there, tell him you want to be with him and would like an opportunity to work on your situation. Best of luck with this.

[2010_Sorry]

Wow Woggle... he has said almost the exact same thing to me! He believes that I want him now only because I cannot have him and this is all about the "thrill of the chase". I told him right after Thanksgiving that there is no "thrill" involved with this pain... Thanks for your advice.

 

Karma, I will do just that. I replied back and told him how I have learned a lot about the decisions I made and I'm sorry for causing him so much pain. I told him this Christmas was more difficult than I had expected too, because I had our kids... but not him. Finally, I said that if this is what he wants, then I hope that this gets easier for him. I'm going back to limited contact after that e-mail. He's in another relationship and I need to respect that.... as much as it hurts. If you love something, let it go... right? (Saying right because I'm trying to convince myself that it's the right thing to do... although it goes against my heart).

 

Surfer, thanks again for your empathy. I have followed your posts from the beginning, and I hope that everything is going well for you.

[Surfer203]

2010_Sorry: Thanks - things are going pretty well actually. I guess my situation is proof that there is hope.

 

Just voice your feelings to him and then lay back and let things unfold as they will.

[hopesndreams]

Does it sound like I still have a chance?

 

Ask his girlfriend.

 

He's in another relationship and I need to respect that..

 

What is your definition of "respect"?

[2010_Sorry]

I haven't met his girlfriend yet. My XH has told me that he's "... not sure how he feels about their relationship..." in the past few days. He says that they have been "on again, off again" for the past 2 months. In my heart, I truly believe that he is with her so that he's not alone....

 

I understand the point that you're trying to make here hopesndreams. I have definitely pulled back since I have found out about this new relationship, and to an extent... so has he. However, I don't think there is anything wrong in telling someone how I feel. If he had a problem with my feelings and thought I was being intrusive in his relationship, I am certain that he would tell me more concrete things, such as "I do not want to get back together", "I love this girl", "Please leave me alone". Yet, I do not get these things from him. I get e-mails like the above and a reluctance to talk about his new relationship.

 

I am being respectful of his new relationship... I am not flirting with him and I am not harassing him. I have instead chosen to come out on this website to talk about how I feel.

[Karma20]

Two things will happen if you let him go. One he might come back or two you will get over him. I saw you said he isn't sure about his new relationship, watch out because if he does come back it might only be cause the relationship failed. You don't want to be a fallback because he will just leave again when something else comes along. Your heart is fragile right now, protect it.

[Woggle]

I don't mean this in any disrespectful way but ask yourself if that is what it is about. It might not be thrilling but does it sort of hurt your ego that he is able to move on without you instead of tripping over himself trying to win you back and being a crying mess? If he were still trying to win you over would you still want him back? Can you assure him 100% that if he does come back that this will not happen again and you won't get bored with having what you wanted?

[LifeIsGreat]

I agree, you do have a chance!! You're going to have to handle yourself very carefully if you want that chance.

[Graceful]

I haven't met his girlfriend yet. My XH has told me that he's "... not sure how he feels about their relationship..." in the past few days. He says that they have been "on again, off again" for the past 2 months. In my heart, I truly believe that he is with her so that he's not alone....

 

I understand the point that you're trying to make here hopesndreams. I have definitely pulled back since I have found out about this new relationship, and to an extent... so has he. However, I don't think there is anything wrong in telling someone how I feel. If he had a problem with my feelings and thought I was being intrusive in his relationship, I am certain that he would tell me more concrete things, such as "I do not want to get back together", "I love this girl", "Please leave me alone". Yet, I do not get these things from him. I get e-mails like the above and a reluctance to talk about his new relationship.

 

I am being respectful of his new relationship... I am not flirting with him and I am not harassing him. I have instead chosen to come out on this website to talk about how I feel.

 

I am taking a really hard line here, but it has to be said. It's very disingenuous of you not to mention in your initial post that the breakdown of your marriage was your doing, and that you had an affair.

 

I am on a blog (elsewhere) where I post and where there is a really heavy crowd of people who don't take well to cheaters who try to get their ex's back, and I am one of them. I know your ex is the one who sent the email, but for you to come here and act hopeful after what you did, is like watching the spider get back into her web.

 

I am sure it was his lonliness that was talking, the holidays are a very big time for people to get lonely and even say things they don't mean.

 

And even after cheating, saying you have remorse, you are intruding on his space even while he is dating. That is selfish all over again. You have been married and divorced twice. What has caused your inability to make a marriage last? Affairs are caused for all kinds of reasons, I know that, but devoted married partners do not have affairs. And they do not return to the same marriage when or if they reconcile, there are lots of residual emotional issues that come up, you can never go back to what you once had. That marriage died.

 

You reap what you sew. You have kids, and you will be seeing your ex b/c of that, but otherwise, you have no right whatsoever to expect anything in the way of a reconciliation from your exH and I hope he does not cave. He will find, if he ventures back with you, that his lack of trust will follow him, and you cannot regain what you once had. It takes a lot more than a lonely night at Christmas to get over betrayal. We all have a different POV, and this is mine.

Good luck, and put your children first.

[2010_Sorry]

"[FONT=tahoma][sIZE=2]I still have that picture too ( a family picture from 2007), but I can't DARE look at it. I am sappier now then I was before. You may not realize, I got out of the car when I returned the boys as well as when I picked them up. I did that for a reason as I don't usually get out of the car. On one hand, I wanted to be invited in to join the festivities with your family as I still felt like in someway that was my family. On the other, I felt like I had to let it go. I cried for a bit and went to the VFW. (See sappy). I hope the Holidays get better for both of us. I can honestly say, I don't want next year to be like this one. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=tahoma][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=tahoma][sIZE=2]You still see our old counselor? Didn't think you would continue. She was probably surprised to hear the turn of events. XXXXX - I forgive you. As you know, I have not always done things the correct way. I know you didn't mean to hurt me and you didn't mean for it to end up like it did in the end. I don't hate you anymore. I am just very sad about it all. Why... I will probably never know the reason as I think NO ONE knows why and couldn't predict how it would work out.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=tahoma][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=tahoma][sIZE=2]I want you to be happy. You are a wonderful mother and I have said that and will continue to say that to anyone. Those things that you do for our boys will always warm my heart, because as you know I love them as much as you do. I pray for that bond, that it never goes away."[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma][/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma]....seems to me that he is moving on....[/FONT]

[Karma20]

He's moving on for now and so should you. That's part of letting them go. I had two friends who cheated on each other and they both wanted nothing to do with each other. He hated her and she moved on. They are married now probably shouldn't be but they are. Time is the only one with the answers we are looking for.

[2010_Sorry]

I am taking a really hard line here, but it has to be said. It's very disingenuous of you not to mention in your initial post that the breakdown of your marriage was your doing, and that you had an affair.

 

I am on a blog (elsewhere) where I post and where there is a really heavy crowd of people who don't take well to cheaters who try to get their ex's back, and I am one of them. I know your ex is the one who sent the email, but for you to come here and act hopeful after what you did, is like watching the spider get back into her web.

 

I am sure it was his lonliness that was talking, the holidays are a very big time for people to get lonely and even say things they don't mean.

 

And even after cheating, saying you have remorse, you are intruding on his space even while he is dating. That is selfish all over again. You have been married and divorced twice. What has caused your inability to make a marriage last? Affairs are caused for all kinds of reasons, I know that, but devoted married partners do not have affairs. And they do not return to the same marriage when or if they reconcile, there are lots of residual emotional issues that come up, you can never go back to what you once had. That marriage died.

 

You reap what you sew. You have kids, and you will be seeing your ex b/c of that, but otherwise, you have no right whatsoever to expect anything in the way of a reconciliation from your exH and I hope he does not cave. He will find, if he ventures back with you, that his lack of trust will follow him, and you cannot regain what you once had. It takes a lot more than a lonely night at Christmas to get over betrayal. We all have a different POV, and this is mine.

Good luck, and put your children first.

 

Hi Graceful. I appreciate your post and completely understand your perspective. I admit fully to having an affair. I had never done that before in my life and I hurt my husband terribly. I was very lost and did not talk to him, my very best friend to address the issues within our marriage that I suppressed to maintain a strong front for our family.

 

Although I have been married and divorced twice, my first marriage was due to an unexpected pregnancy in college, and my parents said unless I married the father... I was to abort the baby. I could never chose to destroy a life... so I married the father. The reality of fatherhood became too much for him and he decided to leave. We are still good friends, but I do not consider that failure to be anyones "fault", just youth.

 

Believe me, I understand that reconciling a relationship with my XH would not be rekindling the old marriage. We would have to start anew, building new trust, new respect and greater communication. Believe it or not, I have learned a TON from this experience, and I want to share that with the only man I have ever loved.

 

I understand that you are just picking up on my story from this post, but he and I have been talking since the day our divorce was final.... We have been discussing reconciliation for several months and he just started seeing this girl a few weeks ago. I don't see my honesty with him, and wanting to put my family back together as selfish.

[LifeIsGreat]

I didn't realize about the affair either. My wife had one, and we were able to work things out-- but not easy!!

 

Listen, you made a huge mistake. Maybe you guys will work through it, maybe not. But heres the thing....

 

If needed one last time-- tell him you are sorry, and understand why he could never forgive you. Let him know that although you would appreciate him considering giving you marriage another try, you understand why he wouldn't. Then--- let it go!! No sappy emails or conversations. Simply go NC, and let nature do the rest.

 

You may be suprised that with time he may heal and reach out to you. Until then, you should consider him your ex.

[2010_Sorry]

Thanks LifeIsGreat. I'm doing my very best to move on. Sounds ironic... and i'm sure that many people will say if I loved him I would never had done what I did....but we had an amazing marriage, a fabulous friendship and a deep love for eachother. I messed up HUGE.

 

Does it sound like he has not yet healed?

[Surfer203]

2010_Sorry: I believe you when you say those thing about how great your marriage was. I believe the same thing happened to my wife. Inexplicable though.. no reason.. which makes it all the more hurtful to us men.

[Graceful]

Thanks for understanding my response. This is one of the problems of posting on a board such as this, when you post, and it's not part of a long (LONG!!) thread that has your original post(s) in it.

 

I do want to say that I honestly do believe that people can (and do) make changes, and that not all cheaters are serial cheaters or lifetime cheaters. I do not subscribe to the "I only did this once" mentality-- you had an affair, once is all it takes! And "it wasn't me" -- well, who else was it?! This is like me telling you I stole candy when I was a kid, even though I was a shy little honey of a girl who was raised by two very honest parents. I stole candy -- once! But I did!

 

So all this to say, I do wish you well. In your response, you do seem to be aware of the challenges that will follow if you try to reconcile, and that is still a big IF. I have seen betrayed spouses try to reconcile and it is pretty heart breaking to see people try, but trust was SO SO hard to regain.

 

No one knows what the future holds. It does sound like you have had your time of remorse and regret, you know you made a huge mistake, and I, for one, do think that there are few things in this world that cannot be forgiven. This is up to the individual that was hurt. I sometimes think of my pets as the ultimate in being forgiving. Once in a while you step on a tail by mistake, or don't see they're right behind you, and they go flying ... but the next minute, after saying, I'm sorry, honey, they are lying next to you, forgiving you, with their bellies waiting to be rubbed.

 

Oh if only humans were like that. Wishing you the best, for the right reasons, and in the right time.

[2010_Sorry]

I guess i just don't understand why he would even bother telling me that his Christmas was sad. If he really wants me to "move on"... why would he drag me through the mud so to speak. I honestly was doing okay until I read that e-mail... I don't have the heart (or the tears) to reply back though... I just can't do it.

[Karma20]

You hurt him and he could be trying to hurt you. Honestly you may never know why he did it. It's hard but everyone analyzes things their exes do and only they know why they do what they do.

[LifeIsGreat]

Thanks LifeIsGreat. I'm doing my very best to move on. Sounds ironic... and i'm sure that many people will say if I loved him I would never had done what I did....but we had an amazing marriage, a fabulous friendship and a deep love for eachother. I messed up HUGE.

 

Does it sound like he has not yet healed?

 

You see, this is a problem. You are trying to rush this by asking if he has healed yet. I think it obvious- NO. Not only has he had to deal with this affair, but also the breaking up of his marriage/family. This can take a long time. You should state your case (as per my previous post) and then leave him alone. Do what you have to with the kids, visitation, whatnot, but don't get all sappy on him. Just be very friendly and kind. Give him MORE time to heal and start missing you. With some time he may be willing to give it a try.