Yes, there are second chances!!!

[LifeIsGreat]

In the last 10 years I have had 4 long term love relationships that broke up (sometimes I was the dumper, sometimes the dumpee). In each instance, I was able to get my ex back (sometimes multiple times). So yes, it IS possible (but not guaranteed) to get your significant other (S.O.) back

 

However, there are some things to keep in mind. SHOULD you try to get your ex back? Your heart is going to tell you ‘yes’. But my friend, you need to also use your head. That’s why everyone here talks about no contact (NC). If you recently broke up, the first thing to do is absolutely nothing! See some of the other NC posts here for details. Get your head together and really figure out if you guys are a good couple, or possibly just not compatible. BTW- If either one of you has excess baggage or emotional problems, then you are probably not compatible.

 

In some cases there IS a compelling reason to reconcile. If so there is most definitely a ‘right way’ and a ‘wrong way’ to do so- whether you were the dumper or dumpee

 

Here on LS there is a lot of ‘one size fits all’ advice on how to handle an ex. I can tell you from experience; this should not be the case. IMHO, the steps you take to reconcile are going to require doing something different from what you were doing in the relationship. If you were very distant in your relationship, then NC after a breakup can mean the end. If you were clingy in the relationship, then NC may do wonders. Every situation is different, but the ‘same old’ during a breakup could be a problem

 

Another thing…. If you win your ex back but do it incorrectly, you are just asking for trouble and more heartbreak. Simply getting your ex back should NOT be the goal. Getting your ex back into a different and better relationship should be the goal. For instance— you pleaded, begged, and threatened suicide so your ex comes back. Wow, that is a recipe for disaster.

 

I’ll stick around on this thread if you want to talk about it some more. I would be glad to get into more detail about if you should try a second (third or fourth) time, and some of the best ways to do it based on your situation and my experience. P.S.- I'm not selling anything

Edited December 28, 2010 by LifeIsGreat

[2010_Sorry]

Thanks for the inspiration!

[stupidgurl]

Is there any way to talk to you privately?

[LifeIsGreat]

Hum, I don't know. Is there IM through LS? Want to give me your email address? I wouldn't mind, but not sure the best way.

[rhonian]

Iam the type when my ex and I got into a huge argument I would just shut down and go into silence, for days (she hated it), but I would never ignore her IF she contacted me to get the communication going. Over the past 2 years, whenever we would break-up AND I really thought in my mind that it was over I would lash out at her TERRIBLY! I would insult and humiliate her, threaten her (not physically) with information that I knew about her. I cant express to anyone reading, the damage that a relationship takes from retaliating in this manner, IT IS WRONG! However, on this most recent breakup that we are currently on (19 days NC)(longest time we ever went not communicating was 10 days) I totally changed my "history", in that instead of acting all crazy, saying and doing things inappropriate and would regret later I just calmly walked away...saying, "we both want to love and be loved and Im not in a relationship where Iam appreciated. Im home. Sorry." (over a text) Her response was, "Dont be sorry Ive been feeling the same way about you. Goodbye." I never responded and started NC.....at the time and even now Iam hoping that she will look at the way I departed and admit to herself that NO.1 I love her and NO.2 I did change by totally chaning the way I typically left the relationship.

[Karma20]

All of my friends and myself once we started NC have gotten our exes back. I chased one for three months and he ran and then three months later came back. You need to let someone go before they can return. If they don't return chances are you won't care anyway.

[LifeIsGreat]

If your ex perceives that you were in the wrong, they are going to want an apology. At some point that requires communication. IMHO, hard core NC can just anger them and make them feel justified in breaking up with you.

 

If my ex broke up with me, I would give her some time to cool and then email her with (basically).... "I understand why you feel that way, and I'm sorrry for (fill in blank). I can see why that made you feel (blank). Although I prefer that we stay together and work this out, I will respect your wishes and leave you alone. I would rather we not throw away what we have invested so far, but will honor your decision".

[stupidgurl]

We went NC for about a year and have been talking and hanging out some since July or so, but the "dates" are infrequent and I don't have the guts to "put it all out there" yet, although I've told him I want to be more than FWB. Would going NC again do any good? I mean, I'm sure he knows I still like him and I want more. I just don't want to be taken for granted.

[LifeIsGreat]

All you can do is the best you know how. But whatever you do should be based on a cool head and the knowledge you have of your S.O.

 

If they come back-great!! If they don't- maybe they weren't really worth having to begin with.

 

If you do your best, nature will take care of the rest. I can promise you that if your best isn't good enough for your current ex S.O. it WILL be good enough for someone else (as long as you're willing to learn from this experience).

[Karma20]

I have no choice but to do NC he had a new gf two weeks after broke up. We have only been broken up a month and a half. He left thinking our problems were too big to fix.

[LifeIsGreat]

I'm not familiar with all your details. However, if he took you for granted do you think that will change? Why would you want him back?

[Karma20]

Oh and stated he only loves me as friend but wouldn't be able to see me for awhile because it would hurt to bad. Then all the other things he said contradicted his original statement of not loving me anymore.

[LifeIsGreat]

This is one of the very reasons I'm not trying to win back my current ex. I was taken WAY for granted. I know it won't change with her. I also know I deserve to be appreciated for what I bring to a relationship and I won't settle for less. If you are willing to settle, then you need to check your own motives and thinking.

[rhonian]

Life, in a perfect world it would happen like that. I agree with what you are saying but in my particular relationship she would NEVER do anthing resembling what you wrote. Her problem is she has never given me the peace of mind that she cares about the "other" side (me). She is so walled-up that she doesnt give an inch. Its all about how I hurt her. What does that say about her/this relationship?

[LifeIsGreat]

Karma.... would you want a guy back that is already with someone else. Personally, even if I was interested in getting my ex back, if I found out she was with someone else already--- well that would tell me alot about her, don't you think?

[Karma20]

I want my ex back because I love him but honestly I'm getting stronger everyday. I try not to talk about him and wear a rubber band on my wrist so when I think about him or analyze things I snap it and it hurts and takes my mind off what I was thinking about. I could never take my ex back now because I wouldn't trust his motives, he would have to prove he's really back for me and since he ran away instead of working on things I know he won't prove he's really back for me.

[stupidgurl]

No, he didn't take me for granted in the relationship, I just don't want him to now. (You know, realize I want more and just keep me hanging by a string.)

 

Part of me is ready to just ask him, even though it might hurt, and either try to work on things or quit wasting my time.

 

We broke up after a fight. There were no huge issues, we both kinda quit working on things and grew apart. I believe we were both at fault.

 

He told me the other day that I am the only ex he has ever had a friendship with after breaking up. He's not very communicative sometimes and if there are major issues he'd like me to work on or address, it will be hard for him to voice them. I am trying to talk to him differently and we have actually communicated better this time around, but he's still holding back.

[LifeIsGreat]

Oh, communication!!!--- One of the most important things in a relationship. This is a no brainer. Don't you want to be with someone that is more open with you? I'm 45 and KNOW FOR A FACT how important communication is. I have had 2 ex's that simply couldn't do it, and I made a decision to let them go. Without adequate communication, a relationship is doomed.

 

Again, not familiar with all the details, but seems you guys have this quasi relationship thingy going on. It may be time to go complete NC so you can heal and move on.

 

Even if you do get back together, the odds of another breakup are HUGE. You simply cannot stay in a relationship with someone who won't communicate unless you are willing to do ALL the work.

[LifeIsGreat]

Karma.... can you give some more details on the people who did NC and got ex's back.

 

How old were they? Basics on why broke up? What happened when they did get back together?

[Karma20]

Well with me I was in my early twenties, he claimed to have fallen out of love with me. He called me up and admitted he made a mistake and wanted another chance. My cousin she was in her late twenties, her bf felt she wasn't that into him so he dumped her and then he invited her friend to a party and told her to bring my cousin. My other friend was in her late twenties, he met someone else and then he called her months later saying he wanted to see if he any feelings left for her. My other friend he cheated on her and then she cheated on him so she broke up with him. She got with his friend to get him jealous. He never reacted to what she did and then a year later she did everything to try and get his attention and she did and now they are married.

[Karma20]

Oh and everyone including me ended up leaving the guy because we wanted them back so bad that when they did come back we really had nothing left to continue the relationship. I tried for a few months but it wasn't the same. Usually the tables turn when you are just about over them.

[stupidgurl]

I guess deep down I know you're right. I think, though, that my communication style may not have been what he needed it to be. In other words, maybe the way I communicated didn't make him feel "safe" enough to open up to me.....IDK.......

[stupidgurl]

Is there any way you could send me your email address or some other way to contact you?

[Karma20]

Honestly, Stupidgurl my ex said he felt he couldn't open to me. If someone can tell you they love you and be intimate with you then they can open up to you. That's an issue he needs to work on himself. Stop all contact and work on yourself and let him work on himself. You never know what the future holds

[LifeIsGreat]

There are so many compatibility issues when it comes to finding 'the one'. Communication and communication styles should be way up on your list. Never underestimate the s*xual compatibility as well.

 

Since I'm such a communicative person, this is very important to me. Also, I'm very much an alpha male who has a tendancy to 'run over' people (without even trying or knowing I'm doing it). I can NOT be with a woman who won't tell me when I'm running over her. If she does tell me, I can adjust.