Yes, there are second chances!!!

[homebrew]

Right... Your situation is different! I suppose that is why you have to come online to LS to ask us all the following question about your EX:

 

I sent a message to her sister in law, who I knew well (from a past relationship with this woman her children refered to me as "uncle".) Her sister in law blocked me, but the ex did not. Then the ex wrote this profession of affection in a sort of riddle form... "if you have a man who does X Y Z and yada yada post this as your status". The thing is XYZ and yada yada were things which refereed to me and not this other guy.

 

I sent another message and made a friend request, which she did not accept but did not reject. Further the ex did not block me...which would be a indication of no interest.[/Quote]

 

Do you know how crazy that sounds?

 

Are you telling me that your EX is a prisoner and being held against her will? Can she not go to a pay phone and call you if she REALLY wanted to talk to you? Or send you an email from a new email account she created if she REALLY wanted to talk to you?

 

If she is being held against her will (according to you, that would be the indication) then you need to stop trying to message her through Facebook and contact the local police!

 

This is my... COME ON MAN.... moment of the evening!

Edited December 29, 2010 by homebrew

[NeNinja]

I originally posted this in another thread, but wanted to see what Lifeisgreat, Karma, etc. thought about it:

 

It seems like most of the relationships here ended because of GIGS.

 

I refused to make any of the changes my ex wanted me to make (resolve trust and ex-gf issues, commit to staying in one place, etc.) because I didn't realize how important it all was and didn't believe she would ever leave. My therapist (I had one before this happened. Now we just have more to talk about ) says she felt 'rejected' and 'devalued' so she rejected me in turn. Do we have an acronym for that? RADRIT isn't quite as catchy as GIGS.

 

I'm guessing in this situation the 'solution' is the same. No contact, give her time and space, and improve myself FOR MYSELF...which is what I'm doing (and it feels good, feels right.)

[homebrew]

NeNinja,

 

I responded in the other thread... Go check it out or click on my profile to find it.

[Mrlonelyone]

Right... Your situation is different! I suppose that is why you have to come online to LS to ask us all the following question about your EX:

 

 

 

Do you know how crazy that sounds?

 

Are you telling me that your EX is a prisoner and being held against her will? Can she not go to a pay phone and call you if she REALLY wanted to talk to you?

 

She likely does not still have my phone number the last time I gave it too her was years ago. Plus to be honest when was the last time you saw a pay phone?

 

Or send you an email from a new email account she created if she REALLY wanted to talk to you?

She has had the same one email account for years and years.

 

If she is being held against her will (according to you, that would be the indication) then you need to stop trying to message her through Facebook and contact the local police!

 

When you accept someone as a friend on Facebook it creates a little notification on your front page. " So and so and such and such are now friends". Anyone who looked at her page would see it including her boyfriend.

 

This is my... COME ON MAN.... moment of the evening!

 

You seem to now know how FB works if you cannot understand why simply accepting that friend request where everyone could see it... could give her pause... IF she is not yet sure what she wants to do.

 

Again, you seem to need a woman to have to fling herself naked at my crotch before I should even get my hopes up.

 

She's just not the kind of woman to be so forward. She wants the man to take the lead. To pursue her to win her over to conquer her to seduce her.

[homebrew]

Right... Your situation is different! I suppose that is why you have to come online to LS to ask us all the following question about your EX:

 

I sent a message to her sister in law, who I knew well (from a past relationship with this woman her children refered to me as "uncle".) Her sister in law blocked me, but the ex did not. Then the ex wrote this profession of affection in a sort of riddle form... "if you have a man who does X Y Z and yada yada post this as your status". The thing is XYZ and yada yada were things which refereed to me and not this other guy.

 

I sent another message and made a friend request, which she did not accept but did not reject. Further the ex did not block me...which would be a indication of no interest.[/Quote]

 

Do you know how crazy that sounds?

 

Are you telling me that your EX is a prisoner and being held against her will? Can she not go to a pay phone and call you if she REALLY wanted to talk to you? Or send you an email from a new email account she created if she REALLY wanted to talk to you?

 

If she is being held against her will (according to you, that would be the indication) then you need to stop trying to message her through Facebook and contact the local police!

 

This is my... COME ON MAN.... moment of the evening!

 

To answer your question:

 

Yes, even though you are the man... She should pursue you.

 

Why?

 

BECAUSE SHE DUMPED YOUR A$$ AND IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE!

 

IF SHE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU, SHE WOULD!

 

IF SHE WANTED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, SHE WOULDN'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER MAN!

 

Now then, was I able to answer your question in a clear and concise way?

[Mrlonelyone]

No. You just yelled a bunch of stuff that proves that you haven't read what I have been writing all this time.

 

My situation is differnent due to the long times and cultural differneces involved. Yet you give the same old advice as if I was talking about something that occured a few months ago like most of the people here.

 

After our normal dating relationship broke up due to her families influences we started a LDR which we both really decided to end amicably. She did not date anyone at all it seems for the three years since then.

 

That's the who broke up with who situation in a nutshell.

 

She did not break up with me to date another guy.

She did not break up with me only a few months ago were talking years with NC.

She did not break up with me because I was a horrible person or vice versa.

 

Not everyone realizes what their heart really wants right away and then just impulsively acts on it. This woman had just aabout 8 weeks ago now introduced this man to all her "friends" and "friends of friends" on FB as being her main man. Not to mention probably her (our) son. You don't just undo that without being really really sure you want out. (Plus we here are acting as if there could not be a woman out there who would like to steal away this "boyfriend"...)

 

In short your assumptions are all wrong therefore your advice cannot in my case be relied upon.

 

Heck a short time ago you were sure I had dumped her! Finding out different did not change your advice. Therefore it cannot be trusted.

Edited December 29, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[homebrew]

My advice can't be trusted...

 

This coming from a man that wants to be with a women that has no free will, cannot think or make decisions for herself (her boyfriend and family do) and who already is seeing someone else.

 

Since I am crazy... Let me get this right... On your planet...

 

1. There are no pay phones or no other way for her to call you.

 

2. Your EX has email but for some reason it refuses to let her send one to you.

 

3. Even though your EX has a boyfriend... that is no problem... she still wants you even though she does not / will not contact or respond to you.

 

4. She can send you a message on Facebook but refuses to do so because even though she wants you above all else... she wouldn't dare want to upset her current boyfriend.

 

5. Through some special power that only you possess... You know that your EX (although showing no signs of interest on her part) wants, desires and longs to be with you. (Let's not even mention the other guy she is with)

 

6. Unfortunately, her BOYFRIEND and FAMILY make all the decisions and think for her... Wow! Sounds like a winner... You have a relationship with them then... She is an empty shell!

 

7. She (I mean her boyfriend and family) will not even let you see your own son.

 

I get it!!!! You are right... She does want you! How could I be so foolish as to not see that!

 

Keep it up... Maybe after her new BOYFRIEND (the one raising your kid because her and her family do not want you involved) kicks your a55 and she files a restraining order against you... maybe then you will get it through your thick head that if she wanted to be with you... SHE WOULD!

 

You Sir, have to be the DUMBEST DUMPEE that has ever lived!

Edited December 29, 2010 by homebrew

[Mrlonelyone]

Dude you were sure at the beinging of this evenings festivities that I was the dumper... now you are sure I am the dumpee.. and your advice has basically not changed.

 

Your advice seems to be based on a number of stereotypes that aren't really relevant which is why it is unreliable in this case.

 

The original post here spoke of cookie cutter advice... you homebrew are the biggest dispenser of such cookie cutter one size fits all advice here.

[homebrew]

An ex that I have gotten together with and broken up with over the last dozen years turned up on facebook. She and I were very into eachother once. From one of our dalliances she even had a child by me, which for complicated cultural reasons I am not openly acknowledged as being the father of. We, dated six years off and on, and last dated six years ago and had a LDR for three years more.

 

After about three years of no contact. She had just started a new relationship with another guy judging by her FB page about three months now.[/Quote]

 

Considering what you stated above... You two are well on your way to be married and living happily ever after! A Love Story like no other... A Love Story that people can only dream (NIGHTMARES) about!

 

So by all means, do not listen to me because with the success that you are having... Far be it from me (who is not emotionally involved nor am I delusional) to see that the two of you are both working hard through the reconciliation process.

 

Where you and her currently stand in the reconciliation process:

 

1. She dumped you 3 years ago.

2. Since then, you have not been contacted by her.

2. She has a boyfriend.

3. She has no free will and her family makes all her decisions for her.

4. Her family (who has total control over her) will not let you see your own son or her for that matter.

5. She has rejected your attempts to contact her on Facebook.

 

From the sound of things... You are making significant progress and you are well on your way to being Mr. Lonely no more!

 

Be sure to post your story here on LS when you get her back... It should be any day now!

Edited December 29, 2010 by homebrew

[coltsfan1]

Mrlonelyone- What homebrew is saying is that you have put yourself out there and she hasnt responded.so let her be then you may see a different outcome, or maybe she was just getting cold feet with the current bf.

 

My advice is to leave her be everything is signs of her playing games with you. you put the option out there that a recon could possibily take place, she hasn't jumped. Your the guy and we do have to pursue but at some point we also have to decide whether the woman is biting and your getting nothing from her. Sorry man i would leave it be right now she will respond if she wants to.

[Tsunade]

Is there any way to speak to you about my situation in private?

[homebrew]

Is there any way to speak to you about my situation in private?

 

To whom are you speaking?

 

You have to have 100 posts to send Private Messages... So get to posting!

[aerogurl87]

This is a good thread for those looking to reconcile I think because it goes to show you that second chances aren't one size fits all.

[selena_cat]

lAloha,

 

I too would like your advice,best in private,good posting. Cheers

[cesere]

Life is great....please read my post "Why am I waiting" and provide me advice. I divorced (I leftt her) my wife 1 year ago, dated her in February and she dumped me in April. And I am STILL trying to get back with her. Most articles I read about reconciling with an ex seem to indicate the split was weeks or months ago. Mine was a year ago! Am I too late? What hope is there for me?

 

 

In the last 10 years I have had 4 long term love relationships that broke up (sometimes I was the dumper, sometimes the dumpee). In each instance, I was able to get my ex back (sometimes multiple times). So yes, it IS possible (but not guaranteed) to get your significant other (S.O.) back

 

However, there are some things to keep in mind. SHOULD you try to get your ex back? Your heart is going to tell you ‘yes’. But my friend, you need to also use your head. That’s why everyone here talks about no contact (NC). If you recently broke up, the first thing to do is absolutely nothing! See some of the other NC posts here for details. Get your head together and really figure out if you guys are a good couple, or possibly just not compatible. BTW- If either one of you has excess baggage or emotional problems, then you are probably not compatible.

 

In some cases there IS a compelling reason to reconcile. If so there is most definitely a ‘right way’ and a ‘wrong way’ to do so- whether you were the dumper or dumpee

 

Here on LS there is a lot of ‘one size fits all’ advice on how to handle an ex. I can tell you from experience; this should not be the case. IMHO, the steps you take to reconcile are going to require doing something different from what you were doing in the relationship. If you were very distant in your relationship, then NC after a breakup can mean the end. If you were clingy in the relationship, then NC may do wonders. Every situation is different, but the ‘same old’ during a breakup could be a problem

 

Another thing…. If you win your ex back but do it incorrectly, you are just asking for trouble and more heartbreak. Simply getting your ex back should NOT be the goal. Getting your ex back into a different and better relationship should be the goal. For instance— you pleaded, begged, and threatened suicide so your ex comes back. Wow, that is a recipe for disaster.

 

I’ll stick around on this thread if you want to talk about it some more. I would be glad to get into more detail about if you should try a second (third or fourth) time, and some of the best ways to do it based on your situation and my experience. P.S.- I'm not selling anything

[Peppermynt]

Could you comment on my situation please?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259104/

 

Thank you.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

I just wanted to say thank you for stating it how it really is.. Alot of people here have the one size fits all syndrome.. If they don't see it how they think it should be then its just you should go nc and move on and your an idiot if you don't.. Then why the heck are you here giving advice on second chances? Is this not suppose to be advice for people who want a second chance? Not cutting them off at the knees?

 

Oh he/she isn't knocking down your door begging for you back they don't want you back. That response is pretty ignorant and I laugh everytime I read it. Yes you can be friends to get your ex back. Yes you can go nc to get your ex back and yes ALOT of the time people do get a second chance. I have always gotten my exes back. I also always did it my way

which everyone here trys to advise you not to do.. Oh did I mention I did EVERYTHING WRONG? Yes I begged pleaded cried.. I had to get over that stage first. Then I pushed and pushed and pushed until I got my way lol.

Not saying any of you should do it. I am just saying just because you have done alot wrong,everything wrong. Dosen't mean its quitsville for you.

 

Sure they may not come back. But so many negative responses here of why people shouldn't bother and should just move on, I am not even sure why this forum here is called second chances. When somthing more appropriate would be like.. Not a chance in hell?

 

Anyway I appriciate your thread and I thought it was very nice of you to offer your help and advice in what seems to be a more positive direction..

[TheGrimSweeper]

 

Oh he/she isn't knocking down your door begging for you back they don't want you back. That response is pretty ignorant and I laugh everytime I read it. Yes you can be friends to get your ex back. Yes you can go nc to get your ex back and yes ALOT of the time people do get a second chance. I have always gotten my exes back. I also always did it my way

which everyone here trys to advise you not to do.. Oh did I mention I did EVERYTHING WRONG? Yes I begged pleaded cried.. I had to get over that stage first. Then I pushed and pushed and pushed until I got my way lol.

Not saying any of you should do it. I am just saying just because you have done alot wrong,everything wrong. Dosen't mean its quitsville for you.

 

 

You say you pushed and pushed to get them back? How exactly did it end though?

[LifeIsGreat]

I appreciate what everyone is saying about 'one size fits all'. If you read my initial post you'll see I have ALWAYS been able to get an ex back BUT I am not currently in any of those relationships.

 

I'm not trying to be negative. I DO believe that every situation is different, but I believe they all require some amount of NC.

 

Additionally, you guys broke up for a reason. If that reason is not addressed, then you WILL have another break up and eventually it will be permanent.

 

OK, now I'm going to admit something. Lots of times I tried to get them back for the challenge . Don't crucify me. I have learned some lessons, and will not do it again. Also, at one time I had more 'fear' of being alone. But not anymore.

 

If I am truly honest with myself, there is only one woman (my ex wife) that was really worth holding on to. The others were either dating situations or relationships that maxed out at less than 2 yrs. Other than my ex wife, (again being very honest) I knew that we weren't compatible yet I worked my arse off to try to make it work.

 

So again, 99% of situations are going to require NC at some point. Use that time to heal AND to determine why do you really want that person back. LOVE IS NOT A REASON to get someone back. It takes more than love to make a relationship work. To be honest, if you can't fully appreciate that then you are not ready to be in a relationship.

[homebrew]

OK, now I'm going to admit something. Lots of times I tried to get them back for the challenge . Don't crucify me.

 

A lot of dumpees want to get back with their EX to have their self-esteem, pride and ego restored...

 

Whoever thought rejection was fun? No, me!

 

So you are not alone! I have been guilty of doing this also!

 

Any others?

[Duckduckgoose]

Hmm... you would have to spend time alone for a while getting over the relationship to get your self-esteem, pride, and ego back.

 

Only then would you be clear headed enough to decide if you would try to date your ex-h/w/gf/bf again.

 

And if they left you it would be a matter of how much hoops they are willing to jump through to make it work this time.

[homebrew]

Hmm... you would have to spend time alone for a while getting over the relationship to get your self-esteem, pride, and ego back.

 

Only then would you be clear headed enough to decide if you would try to date your ex-h/w/gf/bf again.

 

And if they left you it would be a matter of how much hoops they are willing to jump through to make it work this time.

 

I know that NOW... but when I was a young punk... me getting my EX was more about my ego, pride and self-esteem than really wanting them back.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

You say you pushed and pushed to get them back? How exactly did it end though?

 

 

I had my reasons for pushing at the time.. It was my husband not just a boyfriend and there were other things involved however.. I ended up divorcing him. BUt I got my second chance lol..

[Jdw_Icequeen]

Well I disagree about the NC rule.. In some cases like mine it really can't be done. We have a child together. At any rate, if you read my last post I told him he had to make his mind up about us and what he wanted.

 

I am not into the mixed signals thing.. " I really hope we can move forward and am hoping we can fix things" and then " I am in the middle about how I feel".. Well get over it!! I stated in my last post that I had been feeling depressed and probably didn't think he would give me another chance.

 

At the end of the time limit which is about 2 weeks from now, I've decided not to even ask him what his decision is. If he dosen't come to me in that time and say it then I know what it is.. I have been feeling pretty negative about it. I hear alot of you say NC is the best thing and wait long periods before fixing things. Honestly I am just not that patient even though I understand why your saying it lol..

 

If he does decide its what he wants I still want to do the taking things slow instead of jumping right back into everything. Which means no making love and probably won't be affection for a while. I guess more like friends and getting to know eachother again. Remembering what we forgot in the relationship and the things we loved about eachother. Atleast I would know that he 100% wants to try.

 

The last thing I want is to do this taking things slow and friendly, not knowing what he truly wants, getting my hopes up then hearing "you know I think its better we move on".. If thats the case I would rather just hurry it up and move on. The longer I wait its going to be worse for me and even though I understand how he feels and his feelings are important too.

I am not going to just leave mine in the dirt.

 

So we have been apart a month.. We did nc for a week at the very beginning. You think I should have gone longer and do you think its to early for a second chance?

[aerogurl87]

I don't think a relationship can be reconciled till all the issues leading to the break up have been addressed. That can be done through NC, LC, or being friends. I guess it depends on the person, but I still say that unless your ex begs for you back to keep it moving.