Promises don't mean much because people change. Maybe they can change back?

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again. yes thank you for asking . i am ok. i have a disability and i am NOT the greatest typist and make mistakes a lot. i usually notice them after i send the comments LOL after the fact. (good deal that does)

 

i have been on antibiotics with this bad sinus thing too . (yikes) maybe the combination makes me the worst typist in the world. lol

 

i cant believe what you are going thru here. because your words really speak to me too, because i had felt the love dying with the person i loved as you describe exactly what i was going through and i am hoping and praying for a better outcome for you. personally i like the way you are handling things. i think you handled it better than i did.

 

i acted too much like i was getting along fine when i wasnt and i think that made it easier for him to think i had moved on. (yeah right i wish. i cant bare that hes not here anyone.) frankly i think i am seriously walking around in shock because its all so very unreal to me.

 

anyway thanks for asking. yes all we can have is hope. i am glad youre still in contact in a sense because this way you know for certain you did all you could do.

 

i am going to be rooting for you and hope you get the outcome you want. you sound very sweet and i think hes missing the big picture here and will be sorry someday if he doesnt try with you again.

[eidolon]

I'm glad you're okay. It's okay. Typing doesn't mean much as long as you get your meaning across. Which you do Sorry for offending you if I did! I hope your sinus infection (or whatever it happens to be ) gets better soon!

 

Thank you so much for caring. I know I say that with every response, but it really means a lot. Perhaps you think I am handling it better because of how I act to responses, haha. It means a lot to me. I read about your situation, and it might also have to do with the fact that you had more of an investment in the relationship, and because of how it ended. I'm really sorry for what happened, and his handling of everything thereafter kind of disgusts me.

 

I really think a grieving period is necessary. I hate acting like I'm okay when I'm not. It just makes it more painful when you admit how hurt you are to yourself later on. I don't think he should have thought you'd move on so quickly anyway. He should have recognized what you were trying to do, and how it was a result of his actions. Don't put any blame on yourself for being human, and trying to get over the pain.

 

Thank you for rooting for me I don't think he lost as much from this relationship as I did. I was really lucky to have him while I did. Perhaps he has realized I'm not as great as he thought I was. I didn't give him anything special- I would have if we lived closer to each other! Gahhh. He hasn't even contacted me once today. It hurts a lot. I ended up posting in one of those don't contact your ex threads...haha.

 

Anyway, I hope you have a great night. Thank you for being here for me even thought you don't know me. It's really touching.

[eidolon]

I didn't do my school work. I couldn't. I wrote down "Introduction:" and then a string of I love yous.

I don't know what to make of this.

[6:25:22 AM] Jeremy: i just

[6:25:32 AM] Jeremy: i wish

[6:25:39 AM] Jeremy: i wish i didn't exist

[6:25:44 AM] Jeremy: i cry every night

[6:25:51 AM] Jeremy: because of how much i know i hurt you

[6:25:54 AM] Jeremy: and how selfish i am

[6:25:58 AM] Jeremy: and how much i care about you

[6:26:03 AM] Jeremy: and how stupid i am

[6:26:08 AM] Jeremy: and how great you are

[6:26:14 AM] Jeremy: and

[6:26:15 AM] Jeremy: just

[6:26:28 AM] Jeremy: i don't even know anymore

[6:26:34 AM] Jeremy: but i want you to know

[6:26:39 AM] Jeremy: you are beautiful

[6:26:41 AM] Jeremy: and sexy

[6:26:45 AM] Jeremy: and smart

[6:26:47 AM] Jeremy: and amazing

[6:26:49 AM] Jeremy: and wonderful

[6:26:52 AM] Jeremy: and **** man

[6:26:57 AM] Jeremy: just

[6:26:59 AM] Jeremy: god damn

[6:27:08 AM] Jeremy: I'm so ****ing sorry

[6:27:11 AM] Jeremy: so

[6:27:13 AM] Jeremy: sorry

 

If any of that meant anything to him, we wouldn't be where we are now. Does he just want me to feel better so that he can? I'm really hurt right now (as if I haven't been this whole time). I don't want to go to school.

[Els]

What I would have responded would have been, "If that was the case why are you not doing anything about your addiction?"

[eidolon]

Well, I know the answer to that...he doesn't love me. None of that will make me worth a damn unless he loves me. I think he said all of this out of guilt, not true feelings or opinions he has of me. He feels bad for hurting me. What the **** does he want from me? "oh, it's okay. You ripped my heart to shreds, I'm lost and broken and hurting more than I have ever before, but I guess that's okay. Don't feel bad. No biggie."

That was passive aggressive, but my initial response when I read all of that.

I shouldn't be on a bus right now.

I shouldn't be going anywhere.

I can't do this.

Crying in public is so embarrassing.

 

God, I love him still.

[eidolon]

If he meant any of that, he would not be sorry for me, but for himself.

Not sorry for hurting me, but sorry he threw me away.

[Els]

It's really easy to settle this 'dilemma' of yours.

 

Tell him to prove it. Quit cold turkey. Delete the character. No going back.

 

His response will tell you a lot.

[eidolon]

The answer will be no. I am sure of it. I don't mean that much to him...

[IfiKnewThen]

i was not insulted at all. please dont feel that way. not at all. sorry you are going through all of this.

 

 

i need prayers, something else going on in my life now.

[eidolon]

I'm glad you weren't insulted. I'm afraid of sounding inconsiderate or cold be ause I might be getting bitter.

I'm not religious, but my heart is with you, and I'm hoping for the best for you. All will be well.

[eidolon]

I've been freaking out a lot all day, and considering what he said. I don't know how to interpret it, or if i should be pending so much time trying to understand it at all... I'd really appreciate a way to interpret it or something.

I don't want to think of it as him wanting to alleviate his own pain. I REALLY want it to be him realizing what he's lost...and actually wanting it back.

But I don't think it is.

I don't know.

I'm torn in two over this.

 

What does he want?

[Els]

I've been freaking out a lot all day, and considering what he said. I don't know how to interpret it, or if i should be pending so much time trying to understand it at all... I'd really appreciate a way to interpret it or something.

I don't want to think of it as him wanting to alleviate his own pain. I REALLY want it to be him realizing what he's lost...and actually wanting it back.

But I don't think it is.

I don't know.

I'm torn in two over this.

 

What does he want?

 

Didn't I give you a suggestion to resolve this dilemma? Just try it so that you'll get the answer to these questions once and for all. What do you have to lose?

[eidolon]

I guess I'm scared. Mostly because the answer will be no. I just know it will be, and asking is going to make me just lose all hope. Which I guess would make it time for me to get over him and move on, which I don't want to do.

I am such a hopeless pansy.

[Els]

No you're not. Go and do it. Tonight. You can do it.

[eidolon]

Can't I just wait for him to contact me first? :\

Besides, he won't get my messages, since right now he's either sleeping or playing WoW.

Actually he's probably playing WoW.

He could never stay up for me, but he could for WoW, haha.

I don't want an answer I won't like. I'm scared and I know this is going to be it and I don't want it to be.

[Els]

If you don't want to help yourself, none of us can help you.

 

Do what you will.

[eidolon]

Mm, thank you for that reality check. I'll bring it up, but when he contacts me. My little compromise.

[Faded_x]

Did you reply to what he told you? (In regards to what you said at the end of the last page). If so, what did you say? If it were me, I would say something like "Your words would mean so much more if you actually loved me, or proved it". Then I would back off, and leave it all up to him. I know it's difficult, but you really would be better off if you pulled back from him. I know you're scared of not hearing what you want to, but you really are only prolonging your pain. Who knows; he may surprise you. But if not, at least you know the truth and can begin to move on. There really is no point in keeping things the way they are, as you'll forever remain in limbo as far as he's concerned. Good luck.

[eidolon]

I said something along the lines of it not meaning anything to me if it doesn't really mean anything to him. It was 6:23AM, and I hadn't slept a wink, so I didn't know how to respond. I was totally caught off guard by what he said.

I have pulled back, mostly. I don't talk to him unless he says something to me, and even then I try not to invest myself in the conversation, because he never says anything other than filler. I don't know what he's trying to pull here.

 

After he said all of that, and I responded, he said "I understand" and that he hoped my classes didn't suck today, and good night.

 

Should I write him an email response with how I feel about what he said, or just give some short responses on Skype that he can see when he wakes up or minimizes his game or whatever?

[Faded_x]

Should I write him an email response with how I feel about what he said, or just give some short responses on Skype that he can see when he wakes up or minimizes his game or whatever?

I would send him an email about how you feel in general; including about what he said. It really seems as if his "filler" conversations are getting you down. I think you would be better off trying to pull back entirely for longer periods of time. Remain out of contact for days at a time, then come back and see how your conversation is. Perhaps give him time to miss talking to you/give you both something to say. I know it will be difficult, but I think perhaps it will be worth a try.

[eidolon]

I hope he actually checks his email, then. I might come back with the email here before sending it...I don't want to say something stupid. At least not without approval, haha...

 

The one thing I don't want to do is ignore him entirely. It's become easier for me to withold from contacting him, because I know I just end up hurting more.

I guess by saying that I mean...should I ignore him? For just a few days?

[Faded_x]

I hope he actually checks his email, then. I might come back with the email here before sending it...I don't want to say something stupid. At least not without approval, haha...

 

The one thing I don't want to do is ignore him entirely. It's become easier for me to withold from contacting him, because I know I just end up hurting more.

I guess by saying that I mean...should I ignore him? For just a few days?

 

I definitely wouldn't advise ignoring him. I'm currently being ignored by my boyfriend(?), and it is a horrible feeling. So I definitely would never suggest that. What I meant was for you to tell him about how you feel you should cut back on your contact a bit. That you feel your conversations have come to mean nothing, when you used to feel that they were deep and meaningful (I assume that's the case here, anyway). Perhaps the conversations would be more "lively" if they were less frequent. If he continues not making any effort, I'd slowly start increasing the time between contact too. Who knows, maybe one day it might get to the point where you see he's obviously not making any effort, and you decide to cut off the contact entirely, for the good of yourself.

[eidolon]

Mm, I'm sorry he's been ignoring you. I read your posts, and I really feel for you. I can't stand the idea of no closure, and not understanding why.

I'm the type to pick things apart a lot, and when even the little pieces I've isolated don't make sense to me, I get very frusted. So yeah, I get you :\

We don't really talk anymore, to be honest. I don't contact him ever. If we start talking, it'll be because he said "hi" on Starcraft, or something like that. Or this weird thing on Skype.

 

I've totally mentioned that he really doesn't put any effort into talking to me.

Do you know what he said?

"sorry lol"

 

And so, if he wants to talk to me, let him. I'm not going to try to talk to him if he won't try to talk to me.

 

I love him more than anything, but trying to talk to him and him not putting in any effort is just...

It's like he's pissing in the wound, is all.

 

The email, I think, would have to be about what he said, moreso than how I feel about our "situation." Well, not "our," as there is no "us."

[Faded_x]

Mm, I'm sorry he's been ignoring you. I read your posts, and I really feel for you. I can't stand the idea of no closure, and not understanding why.

I'm the type to pick things apart a lot, and when even the little pieces I've isolated don't make sense to me, I get very frusted. So yeah, I get you :\

We don't really talk anymore, to be honest. I don't contact him ever. If we start talking, it'll be because he said "hi" on Starcraft, or something like that. Or this weird thing on Skype.

 

I've totally mentioned that he really doesn't put any effort into talking to me.

Do you know what he said?

"sorry lol"

 

And so, if he wants to talk to me, let him. I'm not going to try to talk to him if he won't try to talk to me.

 

I love him more than anything, but trying to talk to him and him not putting in any effort is just...

It's like he's pissing in the wound, is all.

 

The email, I think, would have to be about what he said, moreso than how I feel about our "situation." Well, not "our," as there is no "us."

 

I'm the same; I tend to over-analyse things at the best of times, so that's definitely happening now. It's just worse now though, because I don't have him to actually tell me what the situation is; so my thoughts are running wild. Having no closure really is the worst thing! Anyway, enough about me...

 

I would just ask him why he bothers to start a conversation, if he never wants to actually sustain it. If he says something like "sorry lol" again in reply, I'd just say "And that's exactly my point". And WOULD actually ignore him for a bit, until listened and did something about it.

[eidolon]

I really wish he would respond to you. It legitimately angers me that he would put you through this. Selfish. Just selfish.

 

Yeah. We didn't talk for a day after sorrylol-gate, but then he messaged me in the morning yesterday. I don't know, blah.

I don't want to ignore him after THIS though. Yes, if he doesn't say anything meaningful or as a REAL response to what I've said to him, I'm going to ignore him.

Otherwise, I have to address this issue, I suppose.