The Boyfriend intercepted and replied to my email as if he can speak for her.

[desertIslandCactus]

What?!?!

 

How old is this child?

 

Because even in the few states with a statute of limitations on paternity law, I cannot think of ANY that expire BEFORE the child's 18th birthday. In fact, several states specifically EXTEND the time period for the SOLE purpose of establishing paternity PAST the child's 18th birthday.

 

What state do you live in? Actually...are you in the US?

 

Thank YOU JWI !!

 

The child is seven and I think the state is Illinois.

[bentnotbroken]

Just FYI

http://www.putativefather.org/faq.aspx#1

What is a “Putative Father”?

A “putative father” is a man who may be a child’s father, but who was not married to the child’s mother before the child is born and has not established the fact that he is the father in a legal proceeding. If the child’s mother wants to place the child for adoption, the putative father must take steps to show that he is the legal father of the child if he wants to have any say in the adoption. By registering with the Illinois Putative Father Registry, a father takes one step toward proving he is the child’s father.

 

So bent... Tell me more about simply not getting a lollipop? To be honest if she wasn't the mother of my only begatten son it would be easy to hate such a woman. How can one do something so loving... then be so cold?

 

I'm not confused just wondering why you are so invested in my situation.

 

You seem totally sure I am a scumbag and the other parties are saints.

 

I don't assume anything about the other parties. They aren't on here dogging you out are they. You want the woman in your first few post then post about 12 year of turmoil with her. You moan about her man being jealous and controlling then post about how easy it would be to hate her....confused much? You came here dogging out a man who is with the woman you want( or is a woman you can do without...now I am confused). I am not invested in your situation but I will admit watching your story change with each post is better than the reruns on t.v. tonight.

[bentnotbroken]

Better yet he talks about DNA tests in the mid 1990's but the child is only seven. Seems like a whole lot of stuff just doesn't quite add up.

[Mrlonelyone]

@Cactus

 

I have sort at done that in the past. She posted a message , on my space at the time, describing him singing gangster rap. He was four. :-/ I asked her to raise him as if he were totally Pakistani. I come from a line of well to do educated black people... not gang bangers!

 

Ironically I also once said a boy does not really need his father that much until he is seven. She finds this new man Just a couple months after he turns seven.

 

@jwi71

look one page back. I quoted the relevant statute there.

[Mrlonelyone]

Better yet he talks about DNA tests in the mid 1990's but the child is only seven. Seems like a whole lot of stuff just doesn't quite add up.

 

What? All I said about that is that before the mid 1990's DNA paternity tet were not available. I said that in response to being asked how I knew the boy was mine. Which is because he looks like me. The way every father knew for the millions of years before then.

 

I haven't mentioned any names so I'am not dogging out anyone.

[bentnotbroken]

@Cactus

 

I have sort at done that in the past. She posted a message , on my space at the time, describing him singing gangster rap. He was four. :-/ I asked her to raise him as if he were totally Pakistani. I come from a line of well to do educated black people... not gang bangers!

 

Ironically I also once said a boy does not really need his father that much until he is seven. She finds this new man Just a couple months after he turns seven.

 

@jwi71

look one page back. I quoted the relevant statute there.

 

 

And what does this line have to do with anything? More hodge added to the podge I guess.

[desertIslandCactus]

@Cactus

 

I have sort at done that in the past. She posted a message , on my space at the time, describing him singing gangster rap. He was four. :-/ I asked her to raise him as if he were totally Pakistani. I come from a line of well to do educated black people... not gang bangers!

 

Ironically I also once said a boy does not really need his father that much until he is seven. She finds this new man Just a couple months after he turns seven.

 

@jwi71

look one page back. I quoted the relevant statute there.

 

I'm talking about reaching her at least by phone or to communicate with her in person regarding being a part of the child's life.

[bentnotbroken]

What? All I said about that is that before the mid 1990's DNA paternity tet were not available. I said that in response to being asked how I knew the boy was mine. Which is because he looks like me. The way every father knew for the millions of years before then.

 

I haven't mentioned any names so I'am not dogging out anyone.

 

 

How many posters on her who don't look like their fathers yet you are your father's children? He has a full proof plan for proving paternity...just look at them.

[Mrlonelyone]

The reason I haven't had aDNA test is because: 1) The period when could sue hod ran out by the time I knew, of him .2) She wont volunteers one she has her reasons for not wanting to.

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm talking about reaching her at least by phone or to communicate with her in person regarding being a part of the child's life.

 

Without legally established paternal rights a father has no right to contact the mother, or child, at all.

 

If I take what I have been told all day to heart I should not contact her at all. She has choosen irrevocably and forever and who she chooses trumps all other rights and morality.

 

All I can do is go NC "let her go" and hope she comes back and I get my son back.

[desertIslandCactus]

Without legally established paternal rights a father has no right to contact the mother, or child, at all.

 

If I take what I have been told all day to heart I should not contact her at all. She has choosen irrevocably and forever and who she chooses trumps all other rights and morality.

 

All I can do is go NC "let her go" and hope she comes back and I get my son back.

 

I agree. Also, a child will fight their way to their biological parent. I have heard of many situations of a curiosity, longing or a wish to bond - for children who are raised without one (or both) parents, even with the replacement of the SO or Stepparent.

[bentnotbroken]

Without legally established paternal rights a father has no right to contact the mother, or child, at all.

 

If I take what I have been told all day to heart I should not contact her at all. She has choosen irrevocably and forever and who she chooses trumps all other rights and morality.

 

All I can do is go NC "let her go" and hope she comes back and I get my son back.

 

 

You're right you have to go NC because she is already NC.

[Mrlonelyone]

I agree. Also, a child will fight their way to their biological parent. I have heard of many situations of a curiosity, longing or a wish to bond - for children who are raised without one (or both) parents, even with the replacement of the SO or Stepparent.

 

I know of such a story. My uncle had a child with a white woman, who then put him up for adoption without his say so. The boy grew into a man and they eventually made peace. Hopefully this boy will cut me some slack.

 

Usually it takes growing to a point where they can see their parents, mother father, and step parent as flawed human beings who don't always do the most logical thing.

 

@ bent. I had contact with her, a message from her on FB just last week. Had she not been caught out reading that email. (I strongly suspect the BF decided to check her phone...) I would still have contact.

 

Heck I am going to stick with what I wrote back to the BF. Unless I hear it from her in her voice I am going to assume that he's just acting jealous and that his words do not reflect her feelings.

 

I am choosing not to contact her until her birthday. Then I am going to send her a poem to beat all poems. If BF wants to get fresh I can get freaky. I have good reason not to give a f k what he says.

[alexandria35]

Just FYI

http://www.putativefather.org/faq.aspx#1

What is a “Putative Father”?

A “putative father” is a man who may be a child’s father, but who was not married to the child’s mother before the child is born and has not established the fact that he is the father in a legal proceeding. If the child’s mother wants to place the child for adoption, the putative father must take steps to show that he is the legal father of the child if he wants to have any say in the adoption. By registering with the Illinois Putative Father Registry, a father takes one step toward proving he is the child’s father.

 

So bent... Tell me more about simply not getting a lollipop? To be honest if she wasn't the mother of my only begatten son it would be easy to hate such a woman. How can one do something so loving... then be so cold?

 

I'm not confused just wondering why you are so invested in my situation.

 

You seem totally sure I am a scumbag and the other parties are saints.

 

Okay I'm not a legal expert but I read the link you posted and it doesn't seem to have anything at all to do with your situation. That link was about what a father can do if the mother is placing the child for adoption. It said the father must register within 30 days of the child's birth if he wants to be notified of a pending adoption. Seriously?!! Is this as far as you have looked into your rights as a father? You found this litte 4 paragraph web page and went "oh well....to late" How about talking to a lawyer or someone who is well educated in family law? I mean come on! At least put in a little effort. I may be wrong and I don't mean to insult you but I kind of get the impression that you don't want to legally be responsible for this kid. I've heard of women tracking down fathers years and years later and suing them for child support all the way back to the child's date of birth.

 

As for her, and I think she is the real object of your desire, not the kid, if she wanted you she would let you know. As you have pointed out numerous times, she is not married to the guy and she has only been dating him for a couple of months. That kind of makes it pretty obvious that she doesn't share your feelings because if she did then there is nothing standing in her way.

[bentnotbroken]

I know of such a story. My uncle had a child with a white woman, who then put him up for adoption without his say so. The boy grew into a man and they eventually made peace. Hopefully this boy will cut me some slack.

 

Usually it takes growing to a point where they can see their parents, mother father, and step parent as flawed human beings who don't always do the most logical thing.

 

@ bent. I had contact with her, a message from her on FB just last week. Had she not been caught out reading that email. (I strongly suspect the BF decided to check her phone...) I would still have contact.

 

Heck I am going to stick with what I wrote back to the BF. Unless I hear it from her in her voice I am going to assume that he's just acting jealous and that his words do not reflect her feelings.

 

I am choosing not to contact her until her birthday. Then I am going to send her a poem to beat all poems. If BF wants to get fresh I can get freaky. I have good reason not to give a f k what he says.

 

NC...wait....I'm going to send her a poem to beat all poems. She gave 12 years of turmoil...but I want her so bad. YOU think(suspect/suppose/guess/assume/theorize) her BF is controlling her...without evidence that is really the case. Since you don't care what the BF says...go to him like the a man and tell him just that. Along with everything else you have spouted on about him here. You da man...you can do it.

[Mrlonelyone]

Alexandria

 

The Illinois putative father registry is the organ of the Illinois DCFS which deals with men who think they are the father of a given child.

 

A man has 30 days after the birth of a child to register as a putative father and be notified of a pending adoption.

 

He has another 30 days to file a paternity suit.

 

After that period of 30 days a potential father is out of luck.

 

As hard as it may be for you all to believe that is the law in this state for a father to establish that he is the father. .

 

Now a mother on the other hand can go to court for up to two years after birth to establish who is the father.

 

Furthermore a father can go to court until a kid is 18 to establish that he is not (that's is not) The father.

 

They are different points of law with different statutes of limitations on them.

 

This was established due to the case of baby Richard. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_Richard_case

 

Where a biological father got a child back after many years ... and traumatized the kid. Since then that's no longer possible in this state.

 

So please bag the self righteous stuff about paternity.

 

This is why I wanted to focus the discussions on the relationship or non relationship between me and the mother. Because that's something that common sense advice can help with. The laws on the other hand are anything but common sense.

[Mrlonelyone]

@ bent. I never said I was perfect or rational about this matter. Emotions can be utterly irrational things.

[jwi71]

Alexandria

 

The Illinois putative father registry is the organ of the Illinois DCFS which deals with men who think they are the father of a given child.

 

A man has 30 days after the birth of a child to register as a putative father and be notified of a pending adoption.

 

He has another 30 days to file a paternity suit.

 

After that period of 30 days a potential father is out of luck.

 

As hard as it may be for you all to believe that is the law in this state for a father to establish that he is the father. .

 

Now a mother on the other hand can go to court for up to two years after birth to establish who is the father.

 

Furthermore a father can go to court until a kid is 18 to establish that he is not (that's is not) The father.

 

They are different points of law with different statutes of limitations on them.

 

This was established due to the case of baby Richard. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_Richard_case

 

Where a biological father got a child back after many years ... and traumatized the kid. Since then that's no longer possible in this state.

 

So please bag the self righteous stuff about paternity.

 

This is why I wanted to focus the discussions on the relationship or non relationship between me and the mother. Because that's something that common sense advice can help with. The laws on the other hand are anything but common sense.

 

You NEED a new lawyer and FAST.

 

The latest Illinois Statute I could locate says something ENTIRELY different. I quote:

 

750 ILCS 45/8 (from Ch. 40, par. 2508

Sec. 8. Statute of limitations. (a) (1) An action brought by or on behalf of a child, an

action brought by a party alleging that he or she is the child's natural parent, or an action brought by the Department of Healthcare and Family Services (formerly Illinois Department of Public Aid), if it is providing or has provided financial support to the child or if it is assisting with child support collection services, shall be barred if brought later than 2 years after the child reaches the age of majority; however, if the action on behalf of the child is brought by a public agency, other than the Department of Healthcare and Family Services (formerly Illinois Department of Public Aid) if it is providing or has provided financial support to the child or if it is assisting with child support collection services, it shall be barred 2 years after the agency has ceased to provide assistance to the child.

 

Sorry, the law as published by the State of Illinois says you have TWO years after the child reaches the age of majority which is 18. This means you have until he is 20 to sue for paternity, establish such (if you are) and perhaps sue for custody and/or visitation.

 

I'd take this to a NEW family lawyer and get his/her read because the State seems to be saying something radically different from what you have been informed.

[Mrlonelyone]

I looked into that very section of the law with a laywer years ago. The way that the courts have interpreted the entire body of IL paternity law is as I told you earlier. The effective statute of limitations is 30 days.

 

Let me explain. .... in a nutshell... the State supreme court has interpreted the law in such a way that the mothers right to put the child up for adoption.... and the adoptive parents rights and the best interest of the child ALL trump the rights of a potential father.

 

In short after that 30 day window a potential papa is out of luck.

 

You'll just have to trust me on that one.

 

Unless you think me some sort of a reptile who wants nothing to do with his only child.

 

I mean do you people really think I never consulted a laywer about all of this?

 

You NEED a new lawyer and FAST.

 

The latest Illinois Statute I could locate says something ENTIRELY different. I quote:

 

750 ILCS 45/8 (from Ch. 40, par. 2508

Sec. 8. Statute of limitations. (a) (1) An action brought by or on behalf of a child, an

action brought by a party alleging that he or she is the child's natural parent, or an action brought by the Department of Healthcare and Family Services (formerly Illinois Department of Public Aid), if it is providing or has provided financial support to the child or if it is assisting with child support collection services, shall be barred if brought later than 2 years after the child reaches the age of majority; however, if the action on behalf of the child is brought by a public agency, other than the Department of Healthcare and Family Services (formerly Illinois Department of Public Aid) if it is providing or has provided financial support to the child or if it is assisting with child support collection services, it shall be barred 2 years after the agency has ceased to provide assistance to the child.

 

Sorry, the law as published by the State of Illinois says you have TWO years after the child reaches the age of majority which is 18. This means you have until he is 20 to sue for paternity, establish such (if you are) and perhaps sue for custody and/or visitation.

 

I'd take this to a NEW family lawyer and get his/her read because the State seems to be saying something radically different from what you have been informed.

[alexandria35]

I looked into that very section of the law with a laywer years ago. The way that the courts have interpreted the entire body of IL paternity law is as I told you earlier. The effective statute of limitations is 30 days.

 

Let me explain. .... in a nutshell... the State supreme court has interpreted the law in such a way that the mothers right to put the child up for adoption.... and the adoptive parents rights and the best interest of the child ALL trump the rights of a potential father.

 

In short after that 30 day window a potential papa is out of luck.

 

You'll just have to trust me on that one.

 

Unless you think me some sort of a reptile who wants nothing to do with his only child.

 

I mean do you people really think I never consulted a laywer about all of this?

 

Look I'm not trying to beat a dead horse, but I also think you need a lawyer. Everything you have quoted is in regards to a child that is being or has been placed for adoption and in that case it makes sense. Of course they don't want fathers turning up years later to rip the children away from their adoptive parents. Your child hasn't been placed for adoption and nobody is suggesting that you should be suing for custody anyways.

[desertIslandCactus]

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

 

The child seems to be the most important part in this.. We can't leave any stone unturned.

[Mrlonelyone]

It doesn't matter what anything thinks.

 

The child seems to be the most important part in this.. We can't leave any stone unturned.

 

The state supreme court here in IL has interpreted the laws in such a way that in practice I had no legal recourse. What they think matters... what they think is the law.

 

Now like I said all I can do to get right with my son... is to get right with his mother.

 

I will break contact with her but for sending a message on her birthday, as I have for years and years. So in a way it does not count. Only this year thanks to BF's copping a tude it's going to be a love poem. I really want to show you all the email so you can see this man's attitude.

 

"Here is what I am telling (not asking) you to do"

 

What he's telling me to do? Really. Really?

 

I wanted to write Really MFer How about you kiss my @$$. But I took the high road and pointed out that she' is a grown woman and can speak in her own voice.

 

Oohh he awakend a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve with that bit of prose right there.

 

I need to have some hot choolate, and go to bed. Gooz Fwaba.... Gooz Fwaba... Gooz Fawba...

 

Good nite everyone.

[pureinheart]

The front door of this forum says.

 

"The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner."

 

Didn't you read the sign.

 

Many have read it and don't care, their idea of support is belittling others...it's ridiculous.

 

BTW, I saw a lot of your replies and you handled yourself well. I am really sorry your thread turned out this way...

[jwi71]

I looked into that very section of the law with a laywer years ago. The way that the courts have interpreted the entire body of IL paternity law is as I told you earlier. The effective statute of limitations is 30 days.

 

So in Illinois you only have 30 days to prove paternity then poof...tough luck? Bummer. You wouldn't by chance remember the case that the Ill. Supreme Court passed that decision on would you? I'd love to read the opinions that 30 days and poof, no rights for fathers.

Let me explain. .... in a nutshell... the State supreme court has interpreted the law in such a way that the mothers right to put the child up for adoption.... and the adoptive parents rights and the best interest of the child ALL trump the rights of a potential father.

 

Wait.

 

This case has NOTHING to do with adoption but rather a biological father's right to establish paternity. The two aren't even in the same universe much less body of law. I am talking about apples (establish paternity) and you are talking about Siberian hamsters (mothers right to plave child up for adoption).

 

In short after that 30 day window a potential papa is out of luck.

 

You'll just have to trust me on that one.

 

Wow...what a crappy state where fathers only have 30 days to establish paternity. Unless of course you are a deadbeat dad then its veritable garden of awesome. Because if mom doesn't sue for paternity in 30 days, deadbeat dad is completely free now and forever of a single penny of child support.

 

I mean do you people really think I never consulted a laywer about all of this?

 

Why get defensive?

 

And what's that smell?

 

Later...this one stinks but good.

[Mrlonelyone]

JWi71

 

Your are trying to argue with the interpretation applied by the Supreme court of the State of Illinois.

 

The have chosen to apply the same statute to all cases. Otherwise the courts are left to guess about weather a woman will decide to put a child up for adoption or not. Therefore the same rule is applied to all cases, the shorter 30 day rule because, supposedly, it's in the best interest of the child.

 

Trust that I checked all possible avenues...and drop this aspect of the issue. It's really not relevant.

 

@Pure

 

Thankyou. I really don't know what else I could do give the totality of circumstances.

 

It seems that to most of these people I committed a deadly sin by writing a woman an email.

 

I got my feelings off my chest. To me if she herself had replied in her own voice I would be done. I could just take a deep breath and move on.

 

This supposed reply, from her, via her BF just stokes my furnace. I will keep my hands off... for a while... since I was planing to do that anyway. But I'll be dammed if I'm going to be intimidated in such a way by a mere...boyfriend.