The Boyfriend intercepted and replied to my email as if he can speak for her.

[Mrlonelyone]

I do agree with you that two people together is not set in stone - until Marriage.[/quote

 

It is not set in stone when people marry. It just costs more to break up once you have married.

 

 

 

 

 

He can let go of her for now, but not his son.

 

Your both partly right. Penny I have already done everything I can legally do. However in my heart I can't ever forget him or her.

 

She will have a relationship with this guy. It may or may not work out. Regardless of that he is biologically my son. No law will ever change that.

 

I may never have a relationship with her. She may never pull it together and be ready to confess to what has occured. He on the other hand will one day wonder why he has those African and American Indian features in addition to his Pakistani... Someday he will seek me out and I will apologise for not being there more. :_(

 

By the by the big ox still is sending me emails saying I should not contact S, the mother, at all... Wanna bet I'll agree to that?

 

Part of me wants him to do something that would get the courts interested in exploring all facets of this situation. Part of me wants to go back in time and make sure I never met this woman.

[desertIslandCactus]

No, you can do it yourself as a pro se plaintiff. The clerks at the courthouse will help you with the documents. And you have to do a bunch of research yourself.

 

Perhaps in Illinois.

 

But in my state, the 'clerks' wouldn't even assist me with proper forms for an appeal.

[desertIslandCactus]

No, you can do it yourself as a pro se plaintiff. The clerks at the courthouse will help you with the documents. And you have to do a bunch of research yourself.

 

Could you take the case, Penny?

[desertIslandCactus]

I just think a case has to fly .. or get the Win, otherwise a chance of permanently burning bridges.

[desertIslandCactus]

Aww, I am not an Illinois licensed attorney and not at all in the family law field. I just read the statute and found out what I can find out online.

 

I can't stand the idea that somewhere there is a child who is fatherless whose father wants him and even worse, is being raised in an environment that would denigrate/deny his racial heritage.

 

I refuse to believe that a court would not consider this case as in the best interest of the child.

 

You have to understand that most family courts are used to seeing deadbeat dads who just don't want to pay for their sexual indiscretions or divorcing couples who are trying to use the children as weapons against each other. A lot of the case law is from cases in which men are trying to deny they are parents or divorcing spouse are trying to hurt each other through custody battles. This is a much different situation assuming all of the facts that have been spelled out here are accurate.

 

This kid has no father. It is in the child's interest to have a father. If the mother had married and he was being raised by another man, I think the courts would not entertain a biological father trying to step in at such a late date. But that is not the case from what has been posted here.

 

He needs to fight and keep fighting if it is the child he is really concerned about.

 

I agree, Penney.

[Mrlonelyone]

Penny and cactus... You have been like the two parts of my mind about this.

 

I partially agree with Penny. I want to do everything possible to be there for my son. I can't believe that a court would place the mothers.... convenience and personal life ahead of a fathers rights...but they have, they will and they do.

 

I have filed a case pro se here before... The clerks do not help... at least not here by Chicago. The legal channels are closed.

 

So like Cactus I think that this ain't over yet. The guy she's with now is just a boyfriend not a husband. He's not even a muslim... chances are she's not even all that serious about him and he could be gone, out of the picture in a month or two.... But I will still be that child's biological father no matter what happens.

 

Trust me the legal avenues are all blocked. All I can do now is proceed to deal with the mother directly and on a personal level. Until she marries another man All is fair in love and war. The fat lady has not sung.

 

(My instincts tell me that her having him send those messages is a way of her saying ... not now... without having to take full ownership of the rejection. She's not saying not ever. )

 

I asked her to and she seems to have complied with this... to raise him as if he was 100% Pakistani. I don't think that automatically means she's teaching him to hate his black side.

 

Trust me. There are plenty of fathers in my position who wish and wonder about their children who had no say what so ever in how they were treated.

 

This will all work out in the end. I just have to have faith in God that there is a good reason for everything.

[Mrlonelyone]

It may have infact been her who wrote the email/message to you. Just food for thought.

 

To what end? To cause drama? A straightforward personal rejection would end this all together... Sending it to her BF would only cause drama... which I know she likes to have in her life. Maximum drama would be having what I think happend

 

Drama when he finds it.

 

Drama when she explains who I am

 

Drama when we have our exchange...and she gets to enjoy the attention

 

Drama drama drama...

[Heather1]

Penny, this started because she didn't accept his FB friend request. Now, based on looks alone, the son is his, the BF a monster & she's mentally ill. Brief synopsis.

 

It's turned into a grand love story, culturally torn, he wants the best for his son. Yeah, drama.

 

I'm taking my FB page down

[desertIslandCactus]

 

This will all work out in the end. I just have to have faith in God that there is a good reason for everything.

 

Yes there is also good reason to believe the child will be asking about his father.

 

In school the children also see the other children's parents interacting.

 

A good parent will not deny their children's reasonable requests.

[Heather1]

Except she's never said it was his son, & she wants no relationship. He's looking for a relationship with this woman, the rest is ??

 

I'm getting the popcorn out of the micro & watch from now on.

[desertIslandCactus]

And to add.. A child isn't a possession that one drags from one relationship to another .. with the mothers' needs coming first ..

 

We can only consider that this is the OP's son, based on his knowledge/writings. If people can speak for a child - so be it.

[westrock]

Does the boy know about you? If so, who does he think you are? Have you been sending your son birthday and holiday cards and gifts?

 

Also, you say you've exhausted all legal avenues in your state. Is the child living in the same state as you or a different one? If a different one, have you looked at the laws in the state where the child resides?

[Mrlonelyone]

Penny Thankyou for the link. I will consider what my next legal move should be. Also thankyou for pointing out to people that I posted on more than one forum in order to get maximum feedback from various perspectives.

 

I have no reason to lie about any of this. None. If the child is a lie why not the whole darn story?

 

At any rate I am done wrangeling with her and the BF for now. The following is a posting on the final status of this story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3172266&posted=1#post3172266

 

@ Westrock. For the first few years of his life I did those things. To him I am at best a dim memory. He probably thinks of me as some kind of an uncle if anything....just like his cousins who used to call me uncle. Odds are they remember me more than he does.

Edited December 31, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[desertIslandCactus]

 

@ Westrock. For the first few years of his life I did those things. To him I am at best a dim memory. He probably thinks of me as some kind of an uncle if anything....just like his cousins who used to call me uncle. Odds are they remember me more than he does.

 

Westrock has a point. Why are you not showing your emotions to your son by remembering him with gifts and cards, correspondence.

 

Even the mother may think you are just talk.

[Mrlonelyone]

Westrock has a point. Why are you not showing your emotions to your son by remembering him with gifts and cards, correspondence.

 

Even the mother may think you are just talk.

 

Remember she moved away and would not tell me where he was for awhile...

 

Then due in part to family influence I was totally frozen out.

 

Remember they think of me and most all black people as beneath them etc etc etc. Heck me sending anything probably made them think of their "shame".

 

I know it must be hard to imagine a culture of people who can be so nice in one breath... but then so cold and vicious on another. It's just so alien to what we know.

 

Besides as I have tried explaining 100 times already, and Penny may be able to back me up on this.. Without established paternal rights, by law if the mother does not want the biological father around he has no right to be around... or to even send cards and gifts and stuff.

 

In fact you want to know something really surprising.... If a man is around.... and does send cards and gifts and simply acts as a father...in some states...a mother can then sue that man for child support just as if he was the biological father.

 

When it comes to paternal rights... biology is almost totally meaningless.

Edited January 1, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[Mrlonelyone]

I have no idea what she tells him. He may have been told that I died. Who knows. She may actually tell him about me.

 

Plus to be honest... part of me knows the history I have had with this woman too well to think that we have seen the last of eachother. From the get go with her, it was an emotional carousel. Up and down up and down around and around in circles.

 

I do have to admit to fearing .... what if everything is as the BF says (assuming as one posted pointed out the message sent from the BF's email are even by him and not her). Then what I see is the beginings of a pattern that can and often does lead to domestic abuse.

 

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

act excessively jealous and possessive?

control where you go or what you do?

keep you from seeing your friends or family?

limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

constantly check up on you?

 

He does all of those to her to some extent. http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

I hope for her sake and my sons that I'm very wrong. I can't wait to get out and party away all of this. I just don't want to think about it any more.

 

Thankyou so much Penny for reading all of this and trying to be fair to me.

[desertIslandCactus]

Continue to follow through with Penney's and others counsel.

 

Remembering the man could become more prominant in her life, and adopt the child.

 

Spend these next months seeking legal avenues in case she does marry him.

[Heather1]

FWIW, I believe the story....

 

It's the sudden interest & he's claiming to know what's best for her & her son now & I think that's a little scary & stalkerish, considering she's had her BF ask him to stop.

[bentnotbroken]

FWIW, I believe the story....

 

It's the sudden interest & he's claiming to know what's best for her & her son now & I think that's a little scary & stalkerish, considering she's had her BF ask him to stop.

 

 

It's more than a little scary. He is borderline obsessed and not with "his" child.

[Mrlonelyone]

FWIW, I believe the story....

 

It's the sudden interest & he's claiming to know what's best for her & her son now & I think that's a little scary & stalkerish, considering she's had her BF ask him to stop.

 

All I can say to that Heather is that my situation is far from unique. There are plenty of biological fathers, who would like to be involved in their childs lives, but aren't able to be involved for various reasons.

 

Let me ask you when it was her family who did not want me around, and I sent her messages anyway was that also stalkerish? Does a mere boyfriend have more of a right than her family?

 

The boyfriend is a rival for her affections, and more than likely a temporary one. Whereas I will always be that childs father. I will always have an interest and very very few people would consider it stalkerish...in fact most people would consider my interest in my sons life, and by extension his mothers to be very natural.

[Mrlonelyone]

@ Broken

 

As Penny pointed out ... having had sex with the mother 9 months before the child was born, and his looking like me was enough to be sure about a child belonging to a father for eons before DNA testing.

 

______

 

As for her BF telling me blah blah... To me that felt like one of her $4it test. If I would just meekly back down in the face of a BF what kind of man would I be?

[bentnotbroken]

He wants to rekindle a relationship with someone he believes he has a child with and with whom he has had a significant relationship with in the past. He sent 1 friend request on FB that was not denied and 2 emails. The 2nd email was in response to the BF's email to let her know that he wanted to hear from her, not her BF. That hardly qualifies as borderline obsessed.

 

 

Since I don't depend on you to decide what I think is borderline...we're good. This story is strange...really strange.

[Mrlonelyone]

Thankyou Penny how much is your retainer because you are doing a great job of defending me.

 

Just one thing. Though I did not "live with" her family as in moved in and got my mail there... I was at their house often enough that the children were told to refer to me as "Uncle myname". We were like family in almost every way for the better part of a year... and I was known to them for six years prior to that.

 

He sent 1 friend request on FB that was not denied and 2 emails. The 2nd email was to let her know that he wanted to hear from her, not her BF.

 

Yes that's precisely what I did. That's not harassment stalking or any other such thing. Now her BF did send me about 8 emails trying to intimidate me.

 

I have since been blocked off her FB page ...just two days ago... and the BF claims I have been blocked from sending email. Which I know to be false we gave him a face saving out. She wants to try and make it work out with this guy. She says that if I had contacted her when she was still single it would be different That I can and will respect.

 

If I really wanted to contact her I still have her phone number, she still has mine, we know eachothers addresses now, and I can always send email from a different address.

 

For now, this is settled NC for at least a month when I will send some kind of birthday message... perhaps an Ecard and a Egift card. Then NC until she's no longer in a relationship.

 

I am going to take one more look at my legal options but I'm not optimistic.

[desertIslandCactus]

Thankyou Penny how much is your retainer because you are doing a great job of defending me.

 

Just one thing. Though I did not "live with" her family as in moved in and got my mail there... I was at their house often enough that the children were told to refer to me as "Uncle myname". We were like family in almost every way for the better part of a year... and I was known to them for six years prior to that.

 

 

 

Yes that's precisely what I did. That's not harassment stalking or any other such thing. Now her BF did send me about 8 emails trying to intimidate me.

 

I have since been blocked off her FB page ...just two days ago... and the BF claims I have been blocked from sending email. Which I know to be false we gave him a face saving out. She wants to try and make it work out with this guy. She says that if I had contacted her when she was still single it would be different That I can and will respect.

 

If I really wanted to contact her I still have her phone number, she still has mine, we know eachothers addresses now, and I can always send email from a different address.

 

For now, this is settled NC for at least a month when I will send some kind of birthday message... perhaps an Ecard and a Egift card. Then NC until she's no longer in a relationship.

 

I am going to take one more look at my legal options but I'm not optimistic.

 

She's still single. Just having a bf for a few months doesn't mean anything but a relationship.

 

At least she knows how you feel and the seed has been planted. The ball is in her court now.

 

Glad that members have convinced you to continue to look at legal options.

 

Aside from sending the mother birthday greetings .. why don't you Ask her if you can send your son birthday greetings, gifts, correspondence ???

[Mrlonelyone]

I did send just such things until a few years back when we totally lost touch.

 

As it stands right now she is the gatekeeper and guardian to our son. If I don't have a good relationship with her I cannot have any relationship with him. By relationship I don't mean intimate I mean at all.

 

So I need to try to reopen communication with her and get to a place where I can communicate with her again regardless of any boyfriend.

 

Try to look at this from a male perspective. The boyfriend has to view me, above any other male, as a threat to his position. In his head they are his family now... or soon will be. Where as I could possibly mess that up... simply by having visitation with my son.

 

He will do everything in his power to make sure that I don't have just such a fatherly relationship with my son. That's whats at stake here.

 

So I need to pursue a two part plan. I need to look at my legal options to establish paternity which cannot be taken from me... I need to look at repairing my relationship with the mother to the point where we can at least be civil and friendly in talking about the boy. The best situation has both of those things happening anyway.

 

There is no way I can just communicate with the boy since anything I send him has to go through her. As things stand now if I sent him a gift the BF might just take it and represent that he is the one who bought it.