The Boyfriend intercepted and replied to my email as if he can speak for her.

[Heather1]

Having my biological dad use my brother & I as an excuse to pull at our heartstrings, I have a different view. Biological is not enough connection for what's best for a child.

 

He wants a relationship, she does not & he's not honoring that.

 

I've never thrown around the word stalker on this forum or in life. I have been stalked, (even by my dad) & it's amazing how it twists to justify actions.

 

He has been asked to stop.

[desertIslandCactus]

Having my biological dad use my brother & I as an excuse to pull at our heartstrings, I have a different view. Biological is not enough connection for what's best for a child.

 

He wants a relationship, she does not & he's not honoring that.

 

I've never thrown around the word stalker on this forum or in life. I have been stalked, (even by my dad) & it's amazing how it twists to justify actions.

 

He has been asked to stop.

 

Boyfriends don't count.

[desertIslandCactus]

Thankyou Penny how much is your retainer because you are doing a great job of defending me.

 

Just one thing. Though I did not "live with" her family as in moved in and got my mail there... I was at their house often enough that the children were told to refer to me as "Uncle myname". We were like family in almost every way for the better part of a year... and I was known to them for six years prior to that.

 

 

 

Yes that's precisely what I did. That's not harassment stalking or any other such thing. Now her BF did send me about 8 emails trying to intimidate me.

 

I have since been blocked off her FB page ...just two days ago... and the BF claims I have been blocked from sending email. Which I know to be false we gave him a face saving out. She wants to try and make it work out with this guy. She says that if I had contacted her when she was still single it would be different That I can and will respect.

 

If I really wanted to contact her I still have her phone number, she still has mine, we know eachothers addresses now, and I can always send email from a different address.

 

For now, this is settled NC for at least a month when I will send some kind of birthday message... perhaps an Ecard and a Egift card. Then NC until she's no longer in a relationship.

 

I am going to take one more look at my legal options but I'm not optimistic.

 

I regret that you had lost touch, and somehow weren't able to contact her in these years before the boyfriend.

 

Guess you will have to wait it out. As well as pursue legal possibilities..

[Mrlonelyone]

Heather I'm sorry that your father did that to you and your brother. Try to understand that I am not him. Furthermore as cactus has pointed out.... he's just a boyfriend right now. He has no more legal standing than I do. Even less if any of these issues went to court. I'll bet I would get at least one court monitored visit with him while we awaited DNA test results.

 

@desertIslandcactus

I know that's just what I have to do. She has been presented with a choice. She knows who I am, and what I have to offer. She's now reached a point where she makes her own decisions about her love life. She will either end up with him, or break up with him. At that time I will catch her.

 

She hasn't even really found out what this man really has to offer. Hasn't had the honeymoon haze wear off.

 

So all I can do is pray that God knows best and things will work out for all of us.

[Heather1]

It's not projecting.....

 

Since we have no idea what her side of this is besides the mentally ill picture he's painted for both of them you have to think what if this happened to you? What would your actions be if you wanted him in your life? What would they be if you were actually scared & didn't know how to get rid of him when he won't take no for an answer or respect it?

 

This was originally a friend request.

 

I really don't see what you 2 are seeing, to me it's a blatent NC.

 

Alright, I need to step out of this.

[Mrlonelyone]

 

I don't know what to say to that. When do we ever have both sides of the story here on LS? Almost never.

 

Here's how I read the situation.

 

She wants to see how things work out with this new man. She also wanted to see if I would have the backbone to stand up to him and vice versa. She's not going to leave him because I express interest. What kind of a woman would commit to dating one man and abandon him just because of one email message?

 

If things work out between them long term well that's that. If not then I still have a shot. Perhaps even a better shot than I would if I had just backed down.

 

Heather, most women would not respect a man who just backs down in the face of another mans challenge. Certainly not a woman who's heritage goes back to the Paktun/Pashtun tribes with their whole honor code and all of that.

[desertIslandCactus]

It's not projecting.....

 

Since we have no idea what her side of this is besides the mentally ill picture he's painted for both of them you have to think what if this happened to you? What would your actions be if you wanted him in your life? What would they be if you were actually scared & didn't know how to get rid of him when he won't take no for an answer or respect it?

 

This was originally a friend request.

 

I really don't see what you 2 are seeing, to me it's a blatent NC.

 

Alright, I need to step out of this.

 

I would have used all of these years to tell him. And I would Never use a new boyfriend .. or even a husband to ACT like I am the damsel in distress - to put away an old acquaintance .. and especially the father of my child.

[desertIslandCactus]

I don't know what to say to that. When do we ever have both sides of the story here on LS? Almost never.

 

Here's how I read the situation.

 

She wants to see how things work out with this new man. She also wanted to see if I would have the backbone to stand up to him and vice versa. She's not going to leave him because I express interest. What kind of a woman would commit to dating one man and abandon him just because of one email message?

 

If things work out between them long term well that's that. If not then I still have a shot. Perhaps even a better shot than I would if I had just backed down.

 

Heather, most women would not respect a man who just backs down in the face of another mans challenge. Certainly not a woman who's heritage goes back to the Paktun/Pashtun tribes with their whole honor code and all of that.

 

Absolutely .. wish I had a penny for all of those stories of controlling wives, wives who won't let the poor meek MM out of the house to go play.

Edited January 2, 2011 by desertIslandCactus
spelling

[Mrlonelyone]

I would have used all of these years to tell him. And I would Never use a new boyfriend .. or even a husband to ACT like I am the damsel in distress - to put away an old acquaintance .. and especially the father of my child.

I am not totally surprised by her action on that part. Like I have said she's a pathological drama addict... I'm certainly not perfect either. What could cause more high drama than the method she choose? Either she would find out that I was a wimp or she would find out that I still had some real backbone and get drama.

 

I'm still of the opinion that this was just a little test a...exercise for her pleasure nothing more. A lioness would not leave a lion for a mouse...but she might give a tiger a second look.

Edited January 2, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[desertIslandCactus]

I am not totally surprised by her action on that part. Like I have said she's a pathological drama addict... I'm certainly not perfect either. What could cause more high drama than the method she choose? Either she would find out that I was a wimp or she would find out that I still had some real backbone and get drama.

 

I'm still of the opinion that this was just a little test a...exercise for her pleasure nothing more. A lioness would not leave a lion for a mouse...but she might give a tiger a second look.

 

If he did not find it on his own - by going through her emails, she was probably using the communication to additionally arouse him, or to heighten her importance.

[Mrlonelyone]

It's probably all of the things we have mentioned. If she shows him the emails she gets

 

Two men butting heads over her.

She gets to keep the new BF on his toes keep him from getting too comfortable.

She makes herself that much more attractive a commodity to the old BF (me).

She gets to have a little entertaining drama.

 

etc.

Edited January 2, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[Heather1]

Last post, I swear....

 

Anyone else have the hair on the back of their neck standing up on this one??

[desertIslandCactus]

Last post, I swear....

 

Anyone else have the hair on the back of their neck standing up on this one??

 

No. I have had concern for the child/father relationship .. Haven't thought much about the squirrely mother.

Edited January 2, 2011 by desertIslandCactus
spelling

[bentnotbroken]

Last post, I swear....

 

Anyone else have the hair on the back of their neck standing up on this one??

 

 

Yes...and yes.

[Mrlonelyone]

What can I say. We all draw on our own experiences on a forum like this.

 

It's just not fair to call me a creep or a stalker because someone else was.

 

I wonder if she had reacted differently... dropped the other guy like a hot potato would you feel different?

 

Why should the rightness or wrongness of my actions depend on their actions?

[Owl]

What can I say. We all draw on our own experiences on a forum like this.

 

It's just not fair to call me a creep or a stalker because someone else was.

 

I wonder if she had reacted differently... dropped the other guy like a hot potato would you feel different?

 

Why should the rightness or wrongness of my actions depend on their actions?

 

You're right...they shouldn't.

 

The rightness/wrongness of your actions should be based on what is right/wrong...period.

 

Pursuing someone who is already in a committed relationship...right, or wrong?

 

I don't have a vested interest here...but from my perspective, if she wanted to be with you, she'd make a move to be with you. She hasn't. She's with him.

 

She's made a choice already...you've just not accepted it because you don't like the answer.

 

But it's all good...you're going to do what you want to do...right/wrong isn't part of your thinking at this point, from what I've seen. This is simply pursuing what you want regardless of anything else, plain and simple. No rocket science required here.

[Owl]

My previous post was a bit harsh...I apologize.

 

My thought is this...you seem to be wanting to read more into her responses (or lack of definitive action) than appears (to me) to be there.

 

You want to be with her, and you're wanting to take her passiveness as a sign of encouragement.

 

Why not point blank ask her up front, to her face, if she'd be willing to end her relationship with "him" and pursue one with you?

 

Clear the air, no more "reading into things" required.

 

If she says yes...there ya go.

 

If she says no...there ya go.

 

No more confusion, and you've got your answer and can develop a plan of action from there.

 

Make sense?

[Mrlonelyone]

Let me point out one thing. I think many here are giving far too much weight to their relationship. They have only known each other for four months and only been a couple for two months this week.

 

It's not like they even live together or anything of that nature. It's not nearly as serious as the usual topic here... which is infidelity within a marriage. This is nothing like that.

 

My previous post was a bit harsh...I apologize.

 

My thought is this...you seem to be wanting to read more into her responses (or lack of definitive action) than appears (to me) to be there.

 

You want to be with her, and you're wanting to take her passiveness as a sign of encouragement.

 

You would have to know her. She is someone who while very decisive, and straight forward in anything logical is very indecisive and evasive when it comes to personal matters.

 

Why not point blank ask her up front, to her face, if she'd be willing to end her relationship with "him" and pursue one with you?

 

Consider this episode from our long history. I was in an on and off relationship with this woman for six years... then an LDR for three. During that six year period she had a son...who then (and especially now that he's aged) looks allot like me. I asked her point blank, to her face if he was my child. She said "A real father would know by sight". :-/ :-\ Really? I could not even get a yes no answer to that.

 

That's why what you suggest would not work. She would not give a straight answer.

 

Knowing this about her I choose an approach I knew had a prayer of working. I simply told her upfront, in an email that I still felt feelings for her, that they were still strong, and asked her to think about what I had to offer her before she made any permanent decisions.

 

The BF either caught her reading or was shown the message. Then he decided he was going to speak for her in responding to me. We faced off and it ended with her blocking me on FB,* telling him I was blocked to sending her email (a lie for his benefit), and we still have each others IM's phone numbers, and physical addresses's.

 

Curiously she said that my message would be perfectly fine if she were single.

 

All I wanted to do with my email was put myself on the map as a possible option once again. I planted the seed of the idea that her and I could be in a relationship again. Since we were before, and in pretty deep she has an idea of what kind of a SO I am. We broke up for mostly external reasons (family disapproval). All I have to do now is wait and see if in spring that seed germinates or not.

 

She herself will have to think about the overall situation and decide who would be the better choice. If she drops him sometime in the next few weeks or months I may or may not be around to catch her. She could even break up with him, in my favor to come to me outright. *Another thing for her to consider is that, as my FB wall did show her, I am not bereft of attention from other women.

 

In short we have played and apparently like to play mind games. It adds spice to life. :-)

 

Does that answer your question?

[GreenX]

OP: I'm curious about something that I haven't seen mentioned. Or, if it has, I missed it. Does her current BF know that you 'may' be the child's father? If he does not, perhaps him knowing would help him to understand the reason why you're, after all of these years, trying to re-establish a relationship with his GF.

[desertIslandCactus]

OP: I'm curious about something that I haven't seen mentioned. Or, if it has, I missed it. Does her current BF know that you 'may' be the child's father? If he does not, perhaps him knowing would help him to understand the reason why you're, after all of these years, trying to re-establish a relationship with his GF.

 

I haven't given the boyfriend's position anymore respect that the OP has.

 

Sometimes lack of knowledge to an outsider, can be protective for the child.

[Mrlonelyone]

OP: I'm curious about something that I haven't seen mentioned. Or, if it has, I missed it. Does her current BF know that you 'may' be the child's father? If he does not, perhaps him knowing would help him to understand the reason why you're, after all of these years, trying to re-establish a relationship with his GF.

What Desertislancactus said. He's a guy she's known for at most four months... and this week will be two months "in a relationship". That's really not a long time. I have no idea how much he knows about anything. He said in one message that he had never even heard of me until that email. So I guess the answer is not at that time.

 

However I suspect that if he looked at my facebook, and looked at the boy, he might put two and two together. The resemblance is quite striking. My son, looks as much like me as I look like my father.

 

I also don't think it would change his attitude one iota. He has reasons...to want to get a little family of his one AQAP. He's reached an age where... people start looking at a man funny if he hasn't ever been married. Plus he seems to have fallen really hard for her... in a typical honeymoon phase sort of way.

[alexandria35]

Let me point out one thing. I think many here are giving far too much weight to their relationship. They have only known each other for four months and only been a couple for two months this week.

 

 

Actually I'm not giving their relationship any weight, and that's kind of the point. She is not married and has known this guy a for a very short time so if she wanted to be with you she would be. Clearly she has chosen.

[Mrlonelyone]

I haven't given the boyfriend's position anymore respect that the OP has.

 

Sometimes lack of knowledge to an outsider, can be protective for the child.

 

Actually I'm not giving their relationship any weight, and that's kind of the point. She is not married and has known this guy a for a very short time so if she wanted to be with you she would be. Clearly she has chosen.

 

She's not the kind of person to just drop a guy because another guy sends one email message.

 

The way I look at it right now she's still in the process of choosing. She will have choosen when she marries someone.

[KarmasTestDummy]

She's not the kind of person to just drop a guy because another guy sends one email message.

 

The way I look at it right now she's still in the process of choosing. She will have choosen when she marries someone.

 

I know you CC'd her on ur email to him. Has she even bothered to contact you through reply email since? That is the only thing bothering me. And independent woman as you described her would be able to speak for herself and would have something further to say to you in my opinion, if not an I'm sorry, then at least a "he's right, please don't contact me", or SOMETHING! but instead she blocked u on fb. Seems incredibly juvenile, enough to make me believe she may have forwarded the email to him and said, here u handle this.

But I hope I'm wrong. You do seem like a genuine and sincere guy and I like your humor (as an Adam sandler fan myself) and I'd hate to see you heartbroken over this woman who you have already given 6 years of your life to.

[Mrlonelyone]

No reply, not by email. She blocked me on FB, told her BF she blocked me on email (she tells me she did not), we still have IM's, each others phone numbers, and physical mailing address'es. She made it clear that she's in a relationship with this guy but that was subject to change.

 

Since then I have gone NC and so has she. My whole plan was for her to read my email and think about what I had to offer VS her current BF. All I asked her to do in my email was to think about just that. Not to dump him for me based on one email.

 

I still don't think she showed him the email and "said, here u handle this". If she showed it to him it would have been with the intent of seeing how we would react. She once told me she liked how bold I was. If I simply took his word for things... to her that would not have looked like me respecting her... it would have looked like me being a wussy.

Edited January 4, 2011 by Mrlonelyone