So your ex is feeding you crumbs......

[andrew-bkk]

I can feel where you are coming from. Until a man can measure his association with a particular woman in decades or a sizeable fraction of a decade he cannot fully understand the complex bonds that can form.

 

That's very true. But it doesn't apply to your situation. I seem to recall reading elsewhere on this forum that you only lived with your ex for 3 or 4 years. Believe me, that's not very long.

 

Once again though, the key issue here is your son. And HE is what you really should be fighting for.

 

I was with my ex for ten and a half yeas. Our son is 6. I caught her cheating in July, and asked her to move out of the house in August.

 

But it seems as though her little GIGS affair didn't work out. About 2 weeks ago she told me she loves me. So what? Do you think I care?

 

And then for Christmas she asked me to go with her and our son to a nearby beach resort. So I went. And what do you think I did? Did I talk to my ex about a possible reconciliation, or did I have a great time with my son on the beach? Bit of no brainer, isn't it?

 

But I know exactly what you would have done. You would have told your son to go and play football by himself, and then you would have sat down in front of your ex and started crying.

[homebrew]

Andrew... You are a MAN's MAN!

[Mrlonelyone]

That's a very sad comment.

 

The truth is that you would sacrifice some dirty little bitch and get back your son. And if you can't see that your son is the most important issue here then you've got things profoundly wrong.

 

Can you not insist on a paternity suit? If you can -- and if the boy is proven to be yours -- you'll learn instantly what it feels like to be a man instead of wuss.

 

Actually a man in my position in this state cannot insist on a legally binding DNA paternity test in court.

 

http://www.putativefather.org/faq.aspx#1

 

What is a “Putative Father”?

A “putative father” is a man who may be a child’s father, but who was not married to the child’s mother before the child is born and has not established the fact that he is the father in a legal proceeding. If the child’s mother wants to place the child for adoption, the putative father must take steps to show that he is the legal father of the child if he wants to have any say in the adoption. By registering with the Illinois Putative Father Registry, a father takes one step toward proving he is the child’s father.

 

 

http://www.putativefather.org/faq.aspx#7

To protect my rights, when do I have to register?

You may register with the Putative Father Registry before or after the birth of the child. But in order to receive notice of pending adoption, you must first register no later then 30 days after the birth of the child.

But registering with Putative Father Registry is only one step in protecting a father’s rights. Fathers who register with the Putative Father Registry must also begin legal proceedings to establish paternity within 30 days of registering.

 

I did not know the kid existed until he was 8 month's old. So I had no rights.

[Mrlonelyone]

Andrew

 

Like so many here you seem to have read only pices and not really understood. I never said I Lived with the mother. For four years. (link to where I said that if you still think I did.)

 

She and I dated off and on from 1999 to 2004. That's 99 00 01 02 03 04 Or six years. We then had a LDR until 2007. That's a total of 9 years!

 

@ Homebrew

 

Before this email from the BF and before my email to her she sent a message to be FB inbox. That was the last contact and it was friendly and receptive to more contact.

 

Remember in my early postings I write of an exchange of messages.

[Mrlonelyone]

Oh what andrew. Where's your know it all comments about what I would do? You didn't even know how unequal the rights of men were with regard to paternity law here in Illinois. So maybey the rest of you should just shut your freaking mouths about the paternity issue.

 

Now maybe you all see why I didn't bring it up. Just focus on the relationship between me and the mother... or the lack there of. But when it comes to paternity law the rest of you know absolutely nothing not a damm thing.

[PowerOfOne]

Just focus on the relationship between me and the mother... or the lack there of.

 

I think that's where the advice has been directed for the majority mate. But you've been completely disregarding any of that. The facts of the matter is that she hasn't responded to your FB friend request. But if she wanted to she can still send you a msg. She could call. She could email. But she's done none of this. She has a new boyfriend who she is clearly showing your email/FB contact to! If she had some deep desire to dump this guy and come running to you then she would not be doing that. From what you've told us she's made absolutly no attempt to reconcile, shown no indication that she still even has feelings for you.

 

I think you have to face facts. Yes you were together for a good period of time but that's over. It's been 3 years. You should be focused on what's best for your son. Seek some legal advice. But you have to give her up.

[homebrew]

THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOU AND THE MOTHER!!!!!!

That is what we have been telling you but you REFUSE to listen.

 

You have spoken more to her BOYFRIEND than you HAVE HER in the LAST THREE YEARS!

[Mrlonelyone]

@Power

 

I know you mean well. I have already sought all the legal advice there is. They all tell me what I have tried telling you here. I am out of luck for proving in court I am the father of that child. The statute of limitations here in Illinois for determingin you are the father is 30 days after the kid is born. (A different set of laws than for proving you are not the father understand?)

 

You may be right about my relationship with the mother of my child.

 

I still don't buy the assumption that she showed him the email. I don't get why people find that to be the most reasonable.

 

The header on the email indicated that it was read on a cell phone at first. Which tells me it was just sitting there on a cell phone where anyone could pick it up and read it.

 

There are many many other details that I don't care to divulge (it would take too much typing) which lead me to think she did not "show" it to him. More like she got caught.

[Mrlonelyone]

Homebrew you don't see the contradiction. No relaiton ship between me and the mother of my child. If anything that relationship ought to trump all others. She should be saying to BF "look bub... I may be F--king you but your not the father of my child."

 

Yet you speak of it as if it was somethign I could just casually walk away from like... a fling.

[homebrew]

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SON... So don't pulled that crap on me!

 

From all your postings... THE ONLY THING YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOU!

 

The BOYFRIEND IS GOING TO HAVE YOUR EX FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!

 

He answers her email and responds to you in a threating manner... Do you think HER BOYFRIEND isn't going to be able to GET YOUR EX to file a restraining order because you went and looked up a legal statue?

 

Wouldn't you if you were in his situation? Because if I had some crazy a55 EX like you harassing my girlfriend after many attempts to tell you to stop... That is EXACTLY what I would do... So would EVERY OTHER GUY here on LS too.

 

You are seriously SICK and I can see why your EX, HER FAMILY and YOUR SON has nothing to do with you!

 

I am done with you... Keep up the great work... You will be in jail in no time!

[PowerOfOne]

Well being as distant from where we are it's no point arguing what could have happened with regards to the email.

 

The facts as you've told us still stand. There has been no relationship with you and her for quite some time. Even now after you've made an attempt at contact has any reply whatsoever been forthcoming. What we've been trying to tell you is that you have to give up on this notion that she secretly wants you back. It's not helping. You've opened the door, it's up to her and her alone to walk through it. And it's the opinion of LS that she doesn't want to. Do with that what you will. Accept it or don't. But don't try and convince people it's anything otherwise just so you can feel justified in continuing the course you've laid out. She's not responding and her sister outright blocked you. The future looks very bleak.

[andrew-bkk]

She and I dated off and on from 1999 to 2004. That's 99 00 01 02 03 04 Or six years. We then had a LDR until 2007. That's a total of 9 years!

 

No it's not. An LDR generally means zero since there's no physical contact involved, and being on and off for six years does not constitute a six year relationship. If we assume that you were on and off in equal measure then you only had three years. And if you never even lived with this woman then the entire relationship cannot be described as particularly adult.

 

Sure, I understand that marriage or cohabitation was not possible due to your ethnicity, but it seems to me that you are over emphasizing the importance or validity of this relationship.

 

Regarding paternity, I understand your situation. I also understand that your ex's current partner has probably been "arranged" and doubtless has the approval of both families.

 

Consequently, you are no longer in the picture and your only remaining option is forget the whole thing.

 

Finally, this is a comment you made: I did not know the kid existed until he was 8 month's old. Never refer to your son as "the kid". Never.

[Mrlonelyone]

Andrew... dont' tell me how to refer to a child you have no interest in.

 

Second this guy was not arranged. To be honest their relationship has all the hallmarks of a temporary convienience.

 

I give them another three months tops. Though I would not be surprised if they are broken up by next month.

[andrew-bkk]

I give them another three months tops. Though I would not be surprised if they are broken up by next month.

 

In which case, keep your mouth shut and sweat it out until March. Obviously your ex will never consent to a paternity suit due to the shame your ethnicity will bring to her family, but if things do work out then you may at least be able to gain intermittent access to your son. In that respect, I wish you well.

 

You asked for my advice and you got it. A real man does not refer to his son as "the kid". It comes across as cold and unfeeling.

[Mrlonelyone]

In which case, keep your mouth shut and sweat it out until March. Obviously your ex will never consent to a paternity suit due to the shame your ethnicity will bring to her family, but if things do work out then you may at least be able to gain intermittent access to your son. In that respect, I wish you well.

 

You asked for my advice and you got it. A real man does not refer to his son as "the kid". It comes across as cold and unfeeling.

 

He does if he has been soo very excluded from his son's life that his child has become almost a total abstraction. A real woman would not do that to a man for no good reason.

[homebrew]

A real man wouldn't let a women do that!

[Mrlonelyone]

A real man wouldn't let a women do that!

 

There's only so much a man can legally do. It's not our responsiblity to make sure womens lives work out. In short if they decide they don't want you around... in many cases even if you are a legally established father...they will do their darndest to keep you from being around.

 

I have heard some single mothers talk about it. They view the child as a lever of control on the man who had the child. He's a permanent port of last resort when life becomes truly stormy. ... only to be left when the sun shines again.

[radiodarcy]

My heart is slowly moving around to seeing things the way you say lifeisgreat. It takes time to see crumbs of attention for what they are.

 

The brain knows what's going on. What game is being played. However the heart does not care, and takes it's sweet time. Sometimes the heart sees before the brain.... sometimes the heart is slow on the uptake.

 

MrLonelyOne this is spot on. i am struggling with the urge to contact him because of the few crumbs he threw in my direction a few days ago. we were never in a relationship but a FWB kind of situation. it actually started out as dating - - or seemed to. he was asking me to hang out just about every weekend for two months straight. called/texted/IM'ed me every day. we didn't get physical until after a month. anyway, after two months things seemed to hit the wall. he stopped asking me to hang out, returning my texts, ignored me on IM. i finally sent him an email asking him about it - - he said he was dealing with depression; had gone off his meds and apologized for being so distant. he asked me out to dinner. the dinner went great until halfway through dessert he mentioned that he was planning on joining a dating website. that should have been my cue to leave. but i stupidly hung in there for two years; thinking that if he saw how i was willing to be there for him no matter what he would realize how much i loved him and give me a chance. BIG MISTAKE. throughout those two years he continued to string me along - - IM'ing, texting, calling me on a daily basis. but we rarely ever actually saw each other unless is was for a booty call which averaged out to once - - maybe twice a month - - if that. still - - i hung in there. he was my first kiss, my first love my first everything. at 34 i'm a late bloomer - -i've never had a bf so he was the closest thing to it. i thought because he was my friend first he knew me well enough to take that into consideration. but he didn't. the final straw that broke the camel's back was (surprise surprise) facebook. i found he had an acct on there. against my better judgment i added him and what i saw made my heart sink. i knew i didnt have a right to get upset since we never actually dated. but it still really upset me to see him posting comments on this one girl's page; commenting on her photos about how beautiful and talented she was. not only that. he would tell me how depressed he was abt his job and his life but according to his fb status he was out partying every night of the week with his fb friends (incl the girl he'd been showering with compliments - and showering with for all i know) and talking about what a great time they were having. mind you these same friends were people who lived in the same town as i do. yet he always seemed to be able to make time to see them while i was lucky if i got to see him once a month or whenever it suited him. so i told him how much it bothered me. we had a big fight and he wrote me an email telling me he was fed up with the situation and that i needed to move on and that he was going to join a dating website (again) to find his match. we sort of talked things out after that. he told me that deep down he considers me a friend but he didnt budge from the position he took in his email. i told him the best thing for both us would be for me not to contact him for awhile (this was before i discovered LS and the NC guide). i did try hitting him up over IM and text a week after that but after he ignored me i just went full out NC.

 

as for fb -- i wont touch it - - not even to go on my own. i deleted him but unfortunately his wall posts are still visible. well - - they were the last time i checked and that was when we had our fight over a month ago. i have no desire to check it now. i don't even want to pull him up to block him. seeing a picture of him - - be it with another girl or by himself would be enough to cause my heart to plummet. anytime i feel the urge to peek on there i remind myself of how terrible i felt the last time i went on there. the day i saw his comments on that girl's page - - i was stuck in traffic later that evening under an overpass. and i distinctly remember wishing a terrorist would blow up that section of the overpass so it would fall on my car and crush me to death, i was that upset. that in itself is enough to keep me away.

 

it just takes time. even though i'm beginning to see things more clearly, i still love him and i still have those moments of weakness where i want to contact him more than anything. yes - - i admit that i have responded to holiday texts. but i try to at least control my response to the crumbs - - which sounds pathetic, i know. i do hope that once my heart catches up to my brain - - i'll be able to wean myself off of the crumbs altogether.

[Mrlonelyone]

I feel for you especially on the evils of facebook and the two faced behavior of people. The man you dealt with sounds like he has a deep seated mental problem. He sees women as things, not people. That's not your fault.

 

This woman I have dealt with for years... My head knows her neuroses and her BS's... yet my heart still wants her even as I would like my heart to not want her.

 

I wish that like Homebrew and those other guys I could just turn it off. I'm just not wired that way.

 

All I can say right now is take it one step at a time. One day at a time.

 

As for me.... about a half hour ago... A car that is identical to the one she or possibly her BF would drive.. I mean I freaking dentical to the paint damage... drove by my house. I did not catch the plate number or anything. Either way this BF is casing my territory or she is scoping out my situation here.

 

Ex GF who I call S here... Supposedly wishes I never contact her... so what does she do ... not block me on FB. If I am such a nuisiance why not block me.

 

How about all of that? What a cast of characters I have to deal with.

[radiodarcy]

yeah he has a host of problems; he's divorced - - married young, had a kid. his mother was physically/verbally abusive. he's been in and out of therapy but refuses to stay long enough to really made any real change. but you're right, those are his problems not mine.

 

as for your ex not blocking you on fb i wouldn't buy too much into it; because that's probably what she wants you to do anyway. i wish my so called ex had blocked me instead of added me - - he would have been doing me a favor. if anything it sounds like your ex is playing games. she's happy to keep you dangling as long as you let her. and now that the new bf is involved - - yikes! let it go. she's probably loving the drama that's going on because of her. don't give her that satisfaction. concentrate on retaining and rebuilding the dignity you have and move forward with someone who is going to appreciate you. believe me, my ex is one for drama too. the last thing i want to do is give it to him. he doesn't deserve it.

 

i know it's not easy to be as strong as homebrew and powerofone but like you said - - just take it day by day. coming on here to talk things out with people and get different perspectives is a big step.

Edited December 30, 2010 by radiodarcy

[Mrlonelyone]

Oh I know she's loving the drama. I am convinced she has a personality disorder, Histrionic personality disorder, which makes her a pathological drama queen.

 

I had almost forgotten that.

 

One thing such women are known to do to men in their life is give them a "$41t test". You know throw it in their face that they have other options or imply that they are cheating or could cheat to see how the guy will react. If anything my telling her BF esstentially to go to hell... would have won me points in her eyes.

 

I know I should not want such a person... but part of me just cant help it. People like her have a way of addicting people to their wild ups and downs.