Who Has Overcome Insecurity

[johan]

Thanks for the replies.

We've been speaking again, starting Tuesday night. She called. Tonight we went to the gym. We agreed to go to counseling.

 

We've been talking about "our problem". It's hard to get her to see it. I have to admit that it's hard for me to believe she loves me when she's so unwilling to look for a solution inside herself. It's not that I think it's all her fault. I just that we should both be looking at ourselves and trying to find how we're both contributing to this. I can admit to several things such as selfishness and insensitivity. I can admit that I do and say dumb things sometimes. The problem I've found is that when I do try to give, I get nothing from her side. She's happy to hear me say that I screwed up. But it doesn't make her feel better. She'll keep bringing the same problem up over and over. This is a pattern, and there is always something on her mind. Even when she's happy, she'll make remarks about stuff. This to me is nagging. It just obsessively dwelling on problems. The problem is more important than the solution. And it feels like she wants to have problems. She doesn't want to be content.

 

So is that how it is for you? Is there some chemistry in your current relationship that is causing this, or have you always struggled with it?

 

She tells me she's never had this problem before. I have to wonder what is it about us. The last thing I want is to be henpecked. I don't want to find out that this is just her personality. This can only work if it's true that she cannot control her negative thoughts. And she has to want this relationship.

[Thinkalot]

Glad you are getting counselling.

 

And yep, she has to look within herself too. you both have tobe making an effort. Hopefully a third person (counsellor) will help her become more self aware.

 

You are right to want/expect change, and for her to take some initiative. You sound like you are very willing to work on yourself, which is admirable.

 

I have had two other serious relationships. The first one, my first love, I felt relaxed and not insecure at all. The second one, the guy was manipulative, and WANTED to make me jealous...he succeeded.

 

Now, I have been hurt, and learnt not to be so naive...which is good and bad. I also feel a lot more for my current partner. Therefore a lot more is at stake. Therefore, I feel insecure//obsess etc. It could be that way for your gf too...not sure.

 

Also, my obsessive tendencies have revealed themselves in other ways in the past...ie I was obsessed with my weight, calorie counting...being thin and fit... I saw a counsellor and overcame that one.

 

But like I've shared with you...I am a lot better. It takes work and patience... I've cried and yelled and whined about it. But eventually improvement happens. The relief is immense.

 

I really hope this works out for you...and that you BOTH do things to help.

[johan]

Now, I have been hurt, and learnt not to be so naive...which is good and bad. I also feel a lot more for my current partner. Therefore a lot more is at stake. Therefore, I feel insecure//obsess etc. It could be that way for your gf too...not sure.

 

Also, my obsessive tendencies have revealed themselves in other ways in the past...ie I was obsessed with my weight, calorie counting...being thin and fit... I saw a counsellor and overcame that one.

 

Those are words straight out of her mouth. She says almost exactly the same thing: "I was so naive before, and now I'm trying to be wiser." I've told her that this approach is not so much wiser, because it's mostly just getting between us. She's really only a little less naive than she was before. And I do think she feels real love for me, she has said more than anyone before. But she also says I'm her best lover ever.

 

And she has other obsessive tendencies. She's afraid of germs. You two would probably be able to talk for hours. You'd be a great help to her. Her friends don't see this side of her. They wouldn't understand.

 

We're on the good part of the cycle now, so we're feeling really in love. But even tonight she was trying to talk about that stuff. She really can't let go. The positive part is that she is starting to see that maybe she's taken it to far. And that makes her open to the idea that it's ok not to think or talk about it sometimes. Usually she's too afraid to try that, as if it would require her to come to the dark side.

 

When she relaxes like this, I adore her. I start to forget that we are struggling so much. Then I start to think we've turned the corner and she finally gets it. But we usually end up back where we started, and that's when we have our worst fights.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by johan

 

When she relaxes like this, I adore her. I start to forget that we are struggling so much. Then I start to think we've turned the corner and she finally gets it. But we usually end up back where we started, and that's when we have our worst fights.

 

Sounds so familiar! My bf could relate to you very well...he's said similar in the past...then I would backslide, and we would fight...and the fights would be ugly. I expect when you fight it's pretty intense and yuk as well.

 

But I can honestly say, my bad times happen so much less, that we also fight less and feel even more in love, more constantly. And that cycle, breeds love...which breeds security...so rather than spiralling downwards, you can start to spiral up. The hard hard part is breaking out of the cycle in the first place. And sometimes I still do fall down. But nobody's perfect! My bf stuffs up sometimes too!

 

I wish you both well in your journey. if you both work together, you'll get to an easier place, more of the time.

 

I don't know if you've mentioned this site to her, but I'd be happy to chat to her anytime. If you don't want to mention the site directly, but would like to direct her to someone to talk to who you found on this forum, just PM me and I'll give you my email.

 

[tac719]

Johan, give me a PM anytime you want to compare notes or come up with ideas. It's almost like were living parallel lives. Except I jumped the gun and got married. I know exactly how you feel about everything. Love, resentment, fear and empathy.

 

Maybe we could bounce some ideas.

 

Keep posting on this forum. There is a lot of wisdom floating around here.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by tac719

Johan, give me a PM anytime you want to compare notes or come up with ideas. It's almost like were living parallel lives. Except I jumped the gun and got married. I know exactly how you feel about everything. Love, resentment, fear and empathy.

 

Maybe we could bounce some ideas.

 

Keep posting on this forum. There is a lot of wisdom floating around here.

 

Is your wife doing things to help herself? I hope so.

[saintfrancis]

johan,

 

I posted hving a problem like this in the "what's your fatal flaw" thread. I do not believe that my issues with trust enter into the "paranoia" arena, however even the levels I'm experiencing really suck!

 

You asked if anyone has dealt with this. Well, I am, currently. I am not in therapy for it, for I know exactly what my problem is and where it came from (I had a horrible previous relationship which really let me with some issues!). I also know what kind of effect it has on those that I'm romantically involved with.

 

Not to repeat myself from the other thread, but the way I handle it is to really step back and try and look objectively at what I'm doing, and to put myself in the other person's shoes. The worst fear I have, in addition to the fear of being f*cked over again, is the fear of my own trust issues becoming a "self-fulfilling prophecy." Believe it or not, keeping in mind that I could drive any man in my life away because of my trust issues helps keeps me in check.

 

It's just a balancing act I have to do. My needs for some control over the situation (that kind of control BTW is an illusion) vs. the other person's need to be respected and not feel like they are the bullseye in my target practice. It's tough! I don't always succeed, but often I do, and those times where I succeed can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

One other thing. My problems with trusting were certainly caused for the most part by this previous relationship. However, I am coming to the conclusion that I can't keep using my past as a crutch. I can't continue to use my psycho ex-boyfriend as an excuse for my own sh*tty behavior. Again, it's tough, but it's also an opportunity for me to look myself in the mirror and ask if I like what I see. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The good thing is, I am able to improve ME, and if I DO ever get screwed over again, then at least I will know that I didn't drive the person to it.

 

Hope that helps.

 

sf

[tac719]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

Is your wife doing things to help herself? I hope so.

 

 

Her father just passed away last week at a young age of 59. So she has been quite upset about that. He pretty much set the stage for a lot of her trust and control issues. Self-esteem too. I while being sympathetic and there for her have been wondering how this will affect her issues. I not trying to sound uncaring, but with the person out of the picture that caused this hurt, will her not ever being able to confront or repair their relationship make things worse or possibly better?..

 

The only thing we have been doing is going to a marriage class within our church. Not preachy or anything, but deal with everyday issues within a marriage. It has actually helped some with the marriage. But as to dealing with herself internally, I am really worried. She relies on me completely it seems to determine her self worth. If I am in a mood "I hate her"(she says) or she says she's not a nice person so on and so on... I know right now she is dealing with the loss and what she never had with her father.

 

It kills me to know how she feels about herself. This is a beautiful woman who made a 4.0 receiving her Masters and was pre-accepted to PHD programs at multiple schools. A complete perfectionist, like Johans.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by tac719

 

It kills me to know how she feels about herself. This is a beautiful woman who made a 4.0 receiving her Masters and was pre-accepted to PHD programs at multiple schools. A complete perfectionist, like Johans.

 

Like me! My partner would relate to you so well. I have always been a high achiever, and yet I get plagued with self doubt and constantly look to my partner for reassurance. I'm healing now though.

 

Good luck. Try and be supportive, but when the time seems right, encourage her to look within.

[johan]

tac719, I'm sorry to hear about your father in law. Hope it doesn't make things worse in your marriage. But with him gone, maybe she will be able to take more responsibility for her insecurities herself. I'll definitely be in touch. You also can PM me, if you need to talk. I've been super busy at work lately, and now tonight...

 

IT'S THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!!! Go Avs!!

 

Things have been good for me and my girlfriend lately. She seems a little more open and a little less obsessive. But she's really busy with school, and honestly, this is the good part of her hormonal cycle. I can count on a little peace with her at certain times.

 

Thinkalot, your avatars have been pretty good lately.

[Thinkalot]

johan. I'm happy things are going well for you at the moment.

 

And thanks for the avatar comment...I was pretty nervous about putting my own pic up!

[johan]

I tried a different tactic last night. I agreed with her. Just because I was too exhausted to defend myself anymore.

- I agreed with her that she has every right to feel how she feels about me.

- I agreed with her that it just must be in my nature to be such a scum and that there's really no way she should trust me. Hell, I don't even trust me now.

- I told her that all my attempts to get her to see it my way were really just efforts to get her to accept my behavior and leave me alone.

- I agreed that small things are indicators of huge problems and they should never be forgiven.

- I told her that I finally saw it her way and I understood.

So we agreed on all this stuff for once.

 

Of course that was all lies. But were they really? I WAS lying to her after all, just like she thinks I do all the time. Interesting little irony there.

 

Then I asked her why she was with me anymore. And she got suspicious and asked if I was trying to drive her away. I said I would never want her to leave, but I also would never accept it if she lowered her standards just so she could be with me. She never answered me really. She veered off and asked me what I wanted to do today and made me tell her I love her.

 

We have been floating along on all my protests, emotions, explanations, and self-defense so far. Last night I just decided to see how deep we could go if I didn't do it. How far down would she go if I helped her sink me? She has a lower limit. She didn't just sweep it all away. Underneath all her suspicions is the threat that she would if she could just be sure. Fortunately she doesn't believe me even when I agree with her.

 

You all have only seen my side of it so far. Just like with tac719, you've only seen his side of it. What about my girlfriend's point of view, and his wife's? If they logged on here and described him or me, people would jump on and say "you shouldn't live with that", "he's being insensitive", "how could he be such a jerk?". Just like some of you have told me similar things about her.

 

I've wanted several times to tell you just what the things are that are upsetting her. But I'm afraid to list the details in case she ever happens across this site. If I know her, my writing here is also a betrayal. While I'm here trying to make my confusion go away, she would interpret it as laying out the details of our relationship to a bunch of strangers. And she'd be upset that you only ever got my side. And she'd think I was developing inappropriate secret connections with some of you. To be honest I don't know how I would feel if I found out she was airing our problems in a public forum. I guess if it made things better and she never actually identified me, I'd be ok with it.

 

I'm just here for my own benefit, because I'm looking for solutions I can't get anywhere else (without cleaning out my savings). I've really considered trying to find some way to get her to try to log in here and get some feedback without her finding out I'm johan. I'm not ashamed of what I've said here, whether I was right or wrong. But she would get busy responding to me on everything, instead of just getting unbiased feedback. And I also don't want to lie to her and say I don't post. So I lie to her by not telling her anything at all. I truly am low.

 

She desperately does not want to break up. She hangs in there with me, even though I can't be trusted at all and I've betrayed her in so many ways. There are so many things I've done that upset her. Never once on purpose. Just by being myself. Last night while I was agreeing with her, I told her it's entirely possible that I have no idea why I do what I do, even though I thought I did. The reasons I've given so far are never acceptable to her, so there must be another level that I'm not aware of. She said she agreed completely and that my hidden motivations are what freaks her out so much. That frankly irritates me, because I've never known anyone as introspective as I am.

 

I'm a little freaked out by the idea that she's right about me. I've been going on the assumption that I'm not that bad. I keep thinking that I know what I'm doing in the world and that I make good decisions. In any situation there are so many things you can do, and I do what makes sense to me. My point of view is that it may not be the perfect decision, but it makes sense to me based on the information I have. She is very forgiving of everyone else in the world and all the idiotic things they do. But with me there is no slack. I know underneath all of this she has an incredible amount of anger. It comes out every once in a while, and it's pure hatred.

 

I've been hiding LS from her, because I've been afraid of her reaction. I know it would be harder for me to be completely open here if I knew she was going to be reading it all. Interesting that her accusations have caused me to actually be the kind of sneaky liar that she thinks I am. Seems like I should just tell her about it, and damn the torpedos.

 

Don't ask me why I stay with her. I just do. I have faith that we can emerge from all of this. That movie Bliss always comes to mind.

[Thinkalot]

Sorry things are so tough. I bet you aren't a bad guy at all johan. I think you are trying to take on some blame, because after a while of someone beating you over the head with things, you do start to question yourself. But you should try and keep perspective, really. Sure, I'm sure you are not perfect, but I don't think you can start questioning yourself and your own worth, because your gf has insecurity problems and whatever. Be as objective as you can. If you can see patterns of behaviour in yourself you think you should change, by all means, do so, but don't beat up on yourself too much.

 

And look, I AM SPEAKING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE. My partner went through a stage of wondering if he was some terrible person too, because I obsessed and badgered him so much. He certainly doesn't think so now though, and we have a good understanding of my condition, and what drives things.

 

Sometimes, he gets really angry and acts like a sh*t- me too! We are only human after all.

 

You two have to work through your issues together. Saying things just to agree with her will backfire on you in the end. Not a good tactic I don't believe.

 

My partner reads Lshack too, and I deliberately directed him to the site initially, so he could read my posts and see what this place is about. He was fine with it, and it even helped him out actually. But use your discretion there definately. You need some place to vent openly. You are doing anything wrong by being here, it will probably help you get clarity and sanity!

 

Good luck.

[Greta]

I've seen this thread on here before, but I just sat down and read through it all. Here are my suggestions (these would be based on my schooling as an RN & my psychology classes)

 

Try finding some psychology books on communication techniques - a big part of nursing school is learning to use therapeutic communication techniques as opposed to non-therapeutic communication techniques. It's also helpful to learn about all the different defense mechanisms that ALL of us utilize. Not only will it help you recognize what type of defense mechanisms she is using, it will also help you recognize the ones you use. You mentioned in some of your posts that you get upset when trying to talk with her and are unable to get her to open up and introspect on herself - learning these techniques may help you in that respect.

 

Based on what you've posted she really does sound like she may have some form of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) which is very treatable.

 

It is very difficult to get someone to admit their faults, but if you approach it in a non-threatening manner, it is possible - but it does take time.

 

I hope this was helpful. I wish you the best of luck!

 

Now, here's my disclaimer:

 

I am in no way representing myself as a psychologist/psychiatrist/ or counselor. These are just my perceptions, based on my experience.

[netman]

Johan, I could relate so much to your situation because in my case I'm the insecure one, and my girlfriend is the one trying to cope with me. She's NEVER given me any reason not to trust, but I have been hurt in the past.

Based on what you've posted she really does sound like she may have some form of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) which is very treatable.

I know that I have a problem with my jealousy and my insecurities, but after reading this thread I'm beginning to think that maybe there's something else wrong with me and I just don't know it. I've thought about going to counseling, but I don't know where to start looking.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40603/

 

If you read my post, you'll see how my thoughts (about guys checking out my girlfriend especially when I'm not around) overwhelm me. Sometimes I'm at work and I know she's in her college, and I can't help but get distracted by the thoughts of picturing the hunky guys in her school checking her out or flirting with her. My girlfriend is gorgeous and has an amazing body (especially her ASSets), and I can't walk down the street without guys staring and turning their heads when we pass by. It's funny because that doesn't bother me as much as when I'm not around and guys are free to gawk and approach all they want because she's not there with her boyfriend, and it irks me to think that they get to enjoy staring at her body all they want when I'm not around. Just writing this gives me the chills because I know I have a serious problem. My thoughts and my imagination are my own worse enemies...

 

If this isn't obsessive thinking, then I don't know what is. Could it be that I possibly have OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) or something else and all these years didn't know it? How do I know if that's the reason behind my problems, and how do I go about seeking treatment? First off, I'm sure I would need to see a therapist, or a psychologist, but then again do I really need to go through that? Any good books that could help me with this?

[johan]

Do you feel inferior to the guys you imagine are looking at her?

Do you worry that it's just one step away from talking to her?

Is she a flirt?

 

Don't idealize her. So what if she's hot? There are lots of hot girls around. And don't put too much value on her looks. After you've been together for a while, her looks will not be what you're with her for.

 

My girlfriend is also hot, and it's not always easy to deal with. Guys check her out everywhere we go. Women do, too, sometimes they just stare at her. The funny part is that they all then check ME out to see what kind of guy I am. I'm not sure whether I measure up to their expectations. They usually go back to checking her out.

 

I used to watch people do it, but now I just deliberately look away. She's with me, and I just figure let them get their fill. I don't want to embarrass them. They usually seem kind of ashamed when I catch them. I don't have any idea how she responds when I'm not around. I figure if someone started getting to her, I'd know about it, and then we'd have a problem. We don't have that problem right now.

 

Here's how I deal with my insecurities: You have to trust yourself. More than you trust her. You have to know in your heart that if she decided to dump you for someone else or if she even cheated on you, that you'd be all right after a while. You have to know that she couldn't get away with it for long, and you have to know that you would deal with it and move on. You can't base your entire happiness on her so that she can just sweep the rug out from under you. You have to know that you're taking a risk just being with her. The fact is, on the inside, she's just like any other girl, ugly or pretty. She's just as likely to be attracted to you as any other girl, and even an ugly girl can cheat on you. So you should just forget how she looks and start focussing on who she is. That's the important part.

 

I don't know if any of this helps. It's just what I've worked out on my own. I get insecure, and I always discuss it with her. Don't get hard on yourself for feeling how you do. It's just a problem you have to solve. If you take it easy and accept it, you can get over it.

[johan]

And for an update on my situation:

 

My girlfriend has relaxed her obsessiveness quite a bit. Partly because she's in school and she's pretty stressed and distracted. And partly because the counselor we've been seeing challenges her thoughts and is pretty good at digging up the stuff underneath. It seems like once that stuff comes to light in front of me, she kind of relaxes about the stuff she was bugging me about. She doesn't really feel better, but it doesn't make as much sense to put it on me. We have fought about some things, mostly because I've been impatient or had a bad attitude about some stuff. I'm working on that.

 

Things aren't perfect, but I'm more able to see a good future with her. That is if she can get past her fear of commitment.

[Thinkalot]

netman, I am overcoming OCD...check out some great online resources about it. OCD doesn't have to be about compulsive hand washing etc...it can be compulsive thinking too! Good luck. I've posted about this stuff a lot, if you want to look back at any of my posts.

 

Johan- I reckon you are your girl will be fine...you are both trying hard, and that's half the battle!

[michaeljames2k]

My girl is also very pretty, and I catch guys checking her out. I have also of course caught her looking at other guys. This usually isnt a big deal to me, as I know I do the same. What bugs me is her going out to clubs, where she'll dance with her (single) girlfriends, and drink. Now, I know she loves me (we've been together almost 2 years, off and on), but I still get thoughts where she may get 'seduced' by some guy. She is very flirtatious and touchy-feely. It's just the way she is, and I know she wont change, and she shouldnt have to, to be honest.

 

I have admitted to her (just recently) that on the inside, I am very insecure and jealous. She already knew this, but it was the first time I admitted it to her. And it felt good, actually. Why am I insecure with relationships? Probably because in my crazier days I had cheated on women, been cheated on, had one night stands with women who had boyfriends or who were even engaged (never got with a married chick...even I felt that was wrong). I remember once sleeping with a girl I had just met that night, and after sex she admitted she had a boyfriend, and that she wasnt even sure WHY she slept with me, as she wasnt even that attracted to me! She got all emotional and was crying. It freaked me out at the time, honestly.

 

And now here I am, in this relationship with this wonderful girl, and based on my previous experiences, I am insecure when it comes to her. She is 11 years younger than me (I am 32, she is 21), goes to college, clubs every weekend or every other weekend with her girlfriends...so I put all of these things together in my head and get images of her out dancing and some guy grinding her from behind (I know she and a lot of other women with boyfriends do this...its a temporary thrill...something to validate them and their beauty), or getting drunk and being 'played' by some guy, and it bugs me.

 

But it's NO GOOD to be jealous and insecure like this, as it just leads to problems or the end of the relationship. I have done stuff to this girl that that would make a lot of women leave, all because I am insecure and jealous. It's just plain stupid. Not to mention she has never given me any real reason to suspect she would sleep with another man.

 

So I have finally now realized recently that I just need to bite the bullet and trust her, and if she does cheat on me, I'll find out about it somehow, move on, and find someone else just as good or better. Basically, I'm throwing away my pride and taking a leap of faith, which is what I should have done a long time ago (we probably wouldnt have broken up 3-4 times and I wouldnt have done all the crazy, stupid things I did to her if I had fully trusted her from the beginning).

[jmargel]

Johan,

 

Your gf might want to look into an anti-depressant. Not because she is depressed but to help take some of the anxiety off. When my fiancee moved in, things got bad. I was being treated not too good, and it was starting to make me think about my future. We decided to goto counciling and found out some had to do with the anxiety of moving in, new job, planning the wedding, family problems, etc.. Through counciling and the meds (Lexipro) she is coming back to herself. She mentioned she has a clearer mind now to make rational decisions.

[netman]

Thinkalot, you answered my next question. When I think of OCD, I think of the show "Monk" and the main character and all of his phobias. I'm sure that not all people with OCD are like that.

 

I live a pretty healthy life. Career wise and financially I think I'm pretty successful, I make really good money, no diseases, not even allergies, no family members with psychological or medical problems, so I'd like to think that there's nothing wrong with me, but my thoughts in my head race 100 mph every time I think about my girlfriend. In every other facet in my life, I'm very calm, assertive and in control, but when it comes to my girlfriend it's like a part of my brain shuts down and spreads through the rest of my brain. I could have a busy day at work, but still find the moments to think about where my girlfriend is and what guys are checking her out and stuff.

 

When I mention this to any one of my friends, they think that I'm dumb for thinking that way. They try to remind me that I have a lot going for me, and that a lot of girls would love to be with a guy like me, but that still doesn't help ease my insecurities.

 

Johan, it's funny because I broke up with my girl months ago because of her anger and attitude problems (very similiar situation to yours, except she hasn't broken up with you). I ran from the relationship to run from her anger problems and from my own need to fix my insecurity and jealousy problems, but I decided to give it another shot, but it wasn't until recently that I admitted to myself that maybe I was the one causing her anger problems by always asking her questions and minor accusations, and my constant need for reassurance. I would never accuse her of cheating on me, but I'd accuse her of dressing the way she does to get attention from other guys, and I've even accused her of making eye contact with guys while we're eating in a restaurant or walking down the street.

 

It drives her nuts, but I think I do that to protect myself so that when I'm with her I don't feel inferior to these other guys. I used to be a big time player, so I know how guys think. I know and see how guys love it when they see a couple, and they stare at the girl until she makes eye contact with them. It's empowering to them, and degrading to the guy with the girl. I don't want to be that guy with the girl.

 

Do you feel inferior to the guys you imagine are looking at her?

Sometimes I do. I think I'm good looking, but there's way better looking guys out there than me.

Do you worry that it's just one step away from talking to her?

Sometimes I worry about that, but I trust her and I don't think she would ever lead somebody on.

Is she a flirt?

No, not really. But she's naturally friendly, and sometimes she says, "Hi" in an exaggerated semi-flirty kind of way and that sometimes bothers me; she doesn't even realize it.

 

Johan, the only thing that helps me is when my girl reassures me over and over, but then that's only a temporary fix and I know like you she's tired of doing that, but like you and your girl, she loves me and is willing to help me in any way to help this relationship work out for the best and try to rid my jealousy problems. I'll try to follow your advise though.

 

One question though Johan. If she kept accusing you and accusing you, would it push to actually go through with cheating or flirting with other girls?

[echoparkdude]

I'm no expert at relationships but this is just my two cents on things. I think everybody looks. You'll never stop looking at other people, it's just human nature. But just because you look doesn't mean you'll go after that person. Just because your wife makes eye contact doesn't mean you need to worry. If the simple fact that she thinks another guy is attractive is enough to break up your relationship, then you got other things to worry about like building a stronger relationship.

 

I believe relationships start off based on looks and other superficial things but after a while, when things start to get serious those things shouldn't matter anymore and it should, in theory, take more than you or your partner gaining weight to weaken your bond right?

 

I think insecure people should just admit that they check out other people, other people check out their partners, and it's the same with their partners but remember that relationships are build and little things shouldn't be able to break a strong bond.

 

In my personal opinion, I dont agree with meds.

[netman]

So I have finally now realized recently that I just need to bite the bullet and trust her, and if she does cheat on me, I'll find out about it somehow, move on, and find someone else just as good or better.

 

MichaelJames, I know that things are easier said then done, but would you say that you now trust your girl 100% and you're not jealous and insecure anymore or are you still working on it?

[michaeljames2k]

Originally posted by netman

MichaelJames, I know that things are easier said then done, but would you say that you now trust your girl 100% and you're not jealous and insecure anymore or are you still working on it?

 

No of course I dont trust her 100%, but these feelings are of my own doing and my own insecurities, and really has nothing to do with her.

What I have been doing is, when I get these negative thoughts, I push them away and replace them with positive thoughts of me and her and our relationship and the GOOD things we have done to/for each other.

It really helped me to bring up my feelings to her as well, and to give her examples of when I am jealous, etc. I was actually surprised how good it felt telling her and talking to her openly about it. It probably felt good for her also to be able to hear the reasons WHY I am the insecure and jealous type.

But yeah, I'm still working on it.

[jmd28]

Johan,

 

You seemed so much like a different person when you were replying to my posts. You were so strong and opinionated and your input was great. I'm surprised this is the same guy who words helped me out. I will tell you this, you say that she is very analytical and defensive about anything you say, but maybe you need an outside source to tell you that you are the exact same way and you demonstrated that in your replies to my post. You broke down others people's posts and had a good point to each paragraph or question. You were quick to say you disagree with stuff and express it. Which was good for me. But it is good for your relationship?

 

Just by your posts and responses I get a feeling like you and your girlfriend are two hard-headed people who do not want to give in to eachother. You feel you are right about certain issues, and she feels she's right about certain things. Obviously there is a communication problem between you two when you discuss things. It seems like things get blown out of proportion not on what you say, but maybe on how you say it.

 

You say you guys are at constant odds and she's very insecure and you've given her no reason to be. I am like her, except I don't like to talk about things until I've cleared my head and I can talk rationally and calmly. Yelling gets nothing accomplished only exaggerates what could be something small. I'm not sure how you guys conversate with eachother, but have you ever just tried taking the time to write your feelings down on paper? This seems like such a girlish thing to do, but when you start writing stuff down you start to make points that come from your subconscious mind, stuff thats deep down and you kind of get a feel for what the real problem is. Most of the times that I do this, I start off mad at somebody else and I end up realizing it was me all along.

 

You said leaving her was a last resort. It seems to me like you guys are dependent on one another. My brother cannot stand his GF, but he has this fear of being alone and will not leave her until someone else comes along. This is wrong. It kind of sounds like she threatens you with this.

 

I'm young, only 22. But I'm married, and I think I have a good head on my shoulders. I've been in three serious relationships, the third being my husband, but I will tell you that I've been there and back with issues like this. Life is too short to spend 1/2 your time arguing over who knows what. You deserve more to life than to subject yourself to this kind of abuse. If it is really worth it to be with her and nothing you've tried so far has worked, maybe you guys need some time apart to figure things out. There's nothing wrong with that. A lot of the time, people think better when they are alone and have the time and space to get a clear head and re-evaluate the things that are important to them.

 

This is a hard thing to deal with, but there are solutions and they are not always the ones you favor. You seem like such a nice, caring guy with good intentions and you can't make her see that no matter how hard you try, she has to see it on her own. Maybe if you spend time apart she to will begin to realize how important you are to her.