Who Has Overcome Insecurity

[johan]

Thanks, jmd. Almost everything you said was pretty much right on.

 

You seemed so much like a different person when you were replying to my posts. You were so strong and opinionated and your input was great. I'm surprised this is the same guy who words helped me out. I will tell you this, you say that she is very analytical and defensive about anything you say, but maybe you need an outside source to tell you that you are the exact same way and you demonstrated that in your replies to my post. You broke down others people's posts and had a good point to each paragraph or question. You were quick to say you disagree with stuff and express it. Which was good for me. But it is good for your relationship?

No kidding! We've both been pretty competitive in our discussions. We both think we're pretty smart. We had major problems listening to each other. We always felt the need to be heard more. We've kind of overcome that, though. We're listening better.

 

Just by your posts and responses I get a feeling like you and your girlfriend are two hard-headed people who do not want to give in to eachother. You feel you are right about certain issues, and she feels she's right about certain things. Obviously there is a communication problem between you two when you discuss things. It seems like things get blown out of proportion not on what you say, but maybe on how you say it.

Right on again. Communication, mostly listening, has been a problem. It helped me to see the counselor work with her, and I've kind of used that for guidance. He got through to her like I couldn't, and that helped me see there was a better way than what I was doing. He also gave her some advice on her presentation. She can be kind of overwhelming, especially when her anxiety level is high. We've been working on getting her to not worry about things as much. She was REALLY into worrying about the future. She speculated on what everything could mean (usually assuming the worst), then brought the pain that caused her into the present.

 

You say you guys are at constant odds and she's very insecure and you've given her no reason to be. I am like her, except I don't like to talk about things until I've cleared my head and I can talk rationally and calmly. Yelling gets nothing accomplished only exaggerates what could be something small. I'm not sure how you guys conversate with eachother, but have you ever just tried taking the time to write your feelings down on paper? This seems like such a girlish thing to do, but when you start writing stuff down you start to make points that come from your subconscious mind, stuff thats deep down and you kind of get a feel for what the real problem is. Most of the times that I do this, I start off mad at somebody else and I end up realizing it was me all along.

If we email or instant message each other while we're arguing or discussing, it goes better. We haven't really fought for a while now, and that feels good. She has relaxed.

 

You said leaving her was a last resort. It seems to me like you guys are dependent on one another. My brother cannot stand his GF, but he has this fear of being alone and will not leave her until someone else comes along. This is wrong. It kind of sounds like she threatens you with this.

She has threatened that. Occasionally she will also threaten to make things even, in order to show me how it feels. That's one thing that makes me mad, especially if she wants to get even with me for something I didn't do. Again, things have gotten better. Our patterns are adjusting.

 

I'm young, only 22. But I'm married, and I think I have a good head on my shoulders. I've been in three serious relationships, the third being my husband, but I will tell you that I've been there and back with issues like this. Life is too short to spend 1/2 your time arguing over who knows what. You deserve more to life than to subject yourself to this kind of abuse. If it is really worth it to be with her and nothing you've tried so far has worked, maybe you guys need some time apart to figure things out. There's nothing wrong with that. A lot of the time, people think better when they are alone and have the time and space to get a clear head and re-evaluate the things that are important to them.

You do seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You express yourself well. We don't need to part to prove anything. Not right now. I've had doubts in the past, and so has she, but we're in good shape right now.

 

This is a hard thing to deal with, but there are solutions and they are not always the ones you favor. You seem like such a nice, caring guy with good intentions and you can't make her see that no matter how hard you try, she has to see it on her own. Maybe if you spend time apart she to will begin to realize how important you are to her.

Like I said, her primary concerns were based on what she was predicting for the future. She was very hung up on that. She still does worry about it, but things are SO much better now. Of course, now that I've said that, we'll probably be fighting about something tonight. Thanks!