My story.

[Floridaman]

DUck,

That was rude of your lousy EX to not tell you about the death of someone you cared a great deal for.

 

I didn't see your message until a few mins. ago. I would have provided similar advice to what you're given.

 

It's hard to judge in-laws in these kind of situations. It seems like they'll naturally take their relatives' side. Anything you say about your EX will be taken as griping and confirm what the EX told them.

Some you're close to (like his mother- did you post you got into a conversation with her?) may take your side but then will fold if her son becomes enraged by the news.

[Duckduckgoose]

His grandmother was just as shocked about everything as I was. He didn't bother to tell her, he told his parents and his dad said he would tell his grandparents. His dad didn't tell his grandparents. It was me that did.

 

My stbxH's reason for leaving me that he told his parents and grandparents (his grandma called him shortly after I told her of his leaving), was that I never listened to him.

 

Part of me wonders if I wasn't told for a reason, like I would make the day worse or something? My stbxH's mom and dad are really not very classy people. His mom is bipolar but won't take meds, and his dad is emotionally absent and usually physically absent as well. I had tried talking to his father about anything, and he would usually just look at me then go back to whatever he was doing. Intelligent conversation, casual conversation, a joke... nothing worked on him.

 

His mom was ****ing crazy and stbxH warned me about her. I tried being nice to her but her colors came out loud and proud very quickly. I quickly wanted nothing to do with her.

 

His grandparents were awesome (dad's side). I had a lot in common with both of them, and really enjoyed their company. I could talk for hours on the phone even with his grandfather, who wasn't very social

 

StbxH's opinion when I told his grandparents the D news was "I don't see how this is any of THEIR business". Funny when he would tell me how much he admired them, and trusted them more than he trusted his own parents. Going on that attitude, he probably made the ****ty comment when someone suggested telling me about his grandma's death that he said something along the lines of not seeing how it's MY business.

 

My counsellor today told me not to presume those kinds of things though, anything could have happened. The truth of the matter is that I was not informed and should have been. It was very rude not to tell me. It shows how classy they are.

[Duckduckgoose]

One of the mutual friends called and we spoke. She told me that stbxH recently had a "support" get together to cheer him up about this divorce, and that he's been getting screwed around by his lawyer. He's also moved out of the basement but the friend won't tell me where he has moved to.

 

I don't want to stalk him, I want to know so I can avoid the place! Its ****ed up he knows where I live and what I drive but I can't know where he lives so I can avoid it? WTH?

 

The mutual friend also told me that she's still quite sure he is not cheating despite what I found on his bank statement. It makes me sick as hell to think about him still. I don't want to run into him in public and if I move from this apartment I don't want to accidentally move into a place that he is also living at. That seems fair enough.

 

So he's playing the victim card, he's so sad about the divorce and his lawyer screwing him around, blah blah woe is me. What a pussy. A coward ass pussy.

 

I wonder how much he's been telling people that I am the villain and how horrible of a monster I was in the relationship? I wonder at what point I grew green fur and fangs and tried to eat him?

 

I called my father about this, and he told me again to stop beating myself up over this. The truth of the matter is that the stbX left ME, when I suggested marriage counselling he RAN like a bitch instead of facing it down like a man.

 

Still this had made me lose some progress I was making. When he paints himself the victim I feel kind of bad for a bit. I realize that is just his manipulation to try and make himself out to be better than he is. It mostly makes me angry that the coward runs and then blames the person who didn't chase as being the bad one.

 

I guess you gotta blame someone when you can't face your own facts.

 

QQ some moar stbxH, play the pity card on all the women you meet in the future. I hope they don't fall for your ****. Tell them how horrible and Irish I was. Tell them how I made you take responsibility for yourself and how you couldn't handle it. Tell them how you ran from a good woman, a good wife. Tell them that I was a monster, with dripping fangs and sharp claws, and an eyeball in the middle of my forehead. Let them play Superwoman and save you... but they can't save you from yourself and that's the biggest monster of them all.

[Duckduckgoose]

Got divorce papers today, reason for divorce is incompatibility. Haha. Calling my lawyer tomorrow.

[Floridaman]

Got divorce papers today, reason for divorce is incompatibility. Haha. Calling my lawyer tomorrow.

Duck,

I know it's been frustrating and you're prob. relieved.

But still, I imagine it's a loss for you.

Wish I could give you a hug of support.

[Duckduckgoose]

Virtual *hugs* are always welcome, Floridaman

 

When the papers came in the mailbox I squeed! My words were "Yay! Divorce Papers!" There was a man in a business suit locking his apartment door and he told me there is a lady at his office that is getting a divorce and her husband won't sign the papers.

 

Oh I'll sign alright, once everything is to MY liking.

 

I realize I am better of without someone who is not committed to me through thick and thin, who runs at the first sign of trouble, who plays the victim, who can't be a man and face his problems, who chose porn over a loving relationship with a willing (and begging wife), who wouldn't or couldn't communicate like your supposed to do in a marriage.

 

I mentioned divorce to him the week before he left. I told him I felt like we were growing apart because he spent all his free time on his computer, typing, jacking off, ****ing around with whatever. He never initiated anything... not just sexual acts, I mean anything. It was hard to get him to tell me what he wanted to do for his birthday... my treat. I had to suggest to him things he might like... like going to a berry farm and picking our fill of berries or going on a ghostwalk. Its like he was only interested in the screen and whatever was on it.

 

He wouldn't keep his obligations. He agreed to going out to exercise with me once a week. It was biking... when he started working third shift biking was too much so he agreed to walking. When I would ask him to go walking it was excuse after excuse why he couldn't do it. When I pushed the issue and told him that it was what he agreed to, he would become very hostile, very nasty... ruder than usual, he changed into a different person at those times. And for what? Sitting in front of a computer and doing nothing. I gave him his space when he needed it, I realize everyone needs to wind down from work.

 

I did my best to be patient with him time and time again, his work schedules, his crazy mom, his co-workers, his bad attitudes, his severe lack of common sense.

 

I beat myself up about it because I realize I gave more and more of myself to the relationship than he did. I was trying to carry the weight of everything by myself... while he stared at his computer screen and jerked off. Even getting him to clean the bathroom when it needed it was an issue. I was the one cleaning the rest of the apartment the bathroom was his responsibility.

 

He took advantage of me and stomped on my heart.

 

Never again will I put that much of myself out there for any man. Its 50/50 from now on. If he can't go 50% then **** him. I won't spare another glance. Why? Because I only have to look at a pile of **** one time to make sure I don't step in it.

 

At least I have learned from this divorce. So many people don't. StbxH is going to be one of those. His issues and his porn problem are going to destroy all of his future relationships. If someone he dates contacts me I will tell the 100% truth no lies and no sugarcoating. I want her to fully understand the kind of person he really is. If I can save another heart from breaking then I know I did something good.

 

/steps off soapbox

[Duckduckgoose]

If anyone wants to chime in, that's fine too. I am pretty much typing this for myself and my lawyer to see, but other opinions are welcome

[Duckduckgoose]

Woke up this morning feeling crappy. Not physically sick. Just worthless. I prayed for comfort, then cried for a while before I could get it together to make breakfast.

 

I feel worthless, like no other man would ever want to love me cause I am a unique person... that I was trashed for a reason cause I am unloveable... like I didn't do enough to make the marriage work and if I just would have tried harder things would've turned around and would be good. Like if a bad person couldn't love me and stay with me then why would a good person want to?

 

I know this is all irrational but right now the feelings is taking over. My self-esteem was already down from the porn stuff but I tried my ass off to make everything else work... then my ego and self-esteem took severe blows cause of him leaving and making me out to be this horrible person.

 

My best wasn't enough... I was already going through losing my job, and not having any luck finding another, and he up and leaves me with all the bills and I'm the bad person from all this.

 

And now I have to go through all the bull**** of dating again to try and find someone that won't hurt me... when the truth is they all have... every person I've been with has left me.

 

Its hard to see couples in public... I see them and the failure of my marriage burns all over again. I think what are they doing right that I did so wrong?

 

Am I doomed to be that person that has to be alone the rest of their life? Is that the price I pay for being a loving, loyal, faithful, patient, and caring wife? Is this my reward for trying to make it work, for trying to be a good person and uphold my vows?

 

I can be alone... but I don't want to be alone. I miss having someone to talk to, someone to be intimate with... a mate

 

I probably need to talk to my counselor about this. I started crying about 2 paragraphs into typing this and I soaked through a few tissues by now.

 

I had a dream I was on a rollercoaster last night. I guess the good feelings I been having are giving way to this **** again. I know I can't keep beating myself up forever but I am not sure how else to handle these emotions. I am a female but I'm not really emotional and don't know how to handle them... its not like me to cry very much... and here I am balling my eyes out.

[Floridaman]

Duck, I want to tackle your emotions point by point. And yes, you are emotional. Most women are, so don't feel bad about expressing your feelings. Feel free to use this thread as kind of blog to vent and post your feelings.

Woke up this morning feeling crappy. Not physically sick. Just worthless. I prayed for comfort, then cried for a while before I could get it together to make breakfast.

That's what I meant in my last posting... You're relieved that it's over bec. of what he did and the way he acted, yet a divorce and the loss still kills you.

You're gonna naturally take it as a personal failure.

I feel worthless, like no other man would ever want to love me cause I am a unique person... that I was trashed for a reason cause I am unloveable...

Don't think that. Just bec. there's problems with a relationship or one fails, doesn't mean you're not loveable. There's no evidence of that, so don't get to feeling that way.

like I didn't do enough to make the marriage work and if I just would have tried harder things would've turned around and would be good. Like if a bad person couldn't love me and stay with me then why would a good person want to?

Again, the reason the marriage ended didn't necessarily have anything to do with you or your love or actions.

You did a lot to save the marriage, didn't you? I've read your posts.

What more could you have done?

I know this is all irrational but right now the feelings is taking over. My self-esteem was already down from the porn stuff but I tried my ass off to make everything else work... then my ego and self-esteem took severe blows cause of him leaving and making me out to be this horrible person.

See? You did do your best. It may be the other person, as relationships often end bec. of the other partner, not necessarily what one partner did.

My best wasn't enough... I was already going through losing my job, and not having any luck finding another, and he up and leaves me with all the bills and I'm the bad person from all this.

The timing is bad, certainly, but don't believe what your EX says about you in all of this.

And now I have to go through all the bull**** of dating again to try and find someone that won't hurt me... when the truth is they all have... every person I've been with has left me.

Dating sucks, doesn't it?

I realized that in my 20s and married late, at 34.

 

I was stood-up. Had a woman show up at the restaurant for a date I set up only to tell me at the start she had plans to go to the symphony after... so can we please make this dinner short????? (Nope. Didn't ask her out again).

 

Also had a woman in light sex-play (I was a semi-virgin in my 20s) tell me she loved me, then 5 mins. later ask if she could take it back????????

 

So I know where you're coming from there.

every person I've been with has left me

Welcome to the club. Nearly every person I dated in my 20s left me as well. I felt so alone as well... But things changed for me shortly after I turned 30...

 

Past behavior, however, shouldn't rule your future.

You're an attractive, beautiful and loving woman. You're bound to meet someone else who recognizes and appreciates the love you have...

Its hard to see couples in public... I see them and the failure of my marriage burns all over again. I think what are they doing right that I did so wrong?

Don't assume what you see on the outside is true for everyone. You don't know those couples are all in happy marriages.

My cousin and her husband looked very happy the last time I saw them. Then shortly after that, I heard she divorced him. He cheated on her.

Am I doomed to be that person that has to be alone the rest of their life? Is that the price I pay for being a loving, loyal, faithful, patient, and caring wife? Is this my reward for trying to make it work, for trying to be a good person and uphold my vows?

Again, there's no evidence of this.

You're in your 20s, right? (Sorry. I can't recall your age at the moment).

So you have many years ahead of you.

 

Things would be diff. if you told me you're in your 40s or 50s, but still, you'd have opportunities as there are single men (and women) out there even at that age. They're out there. Trust me.

I can be alone... but I don't want to be alone. I miss having someone to talk to, someone to be intimate with... a mate

The fear of being alone is universal and one of many reasons I decided against ending my marriage this fall.

To think I was seriously considering walking away bec. of lack of sex. (I've posted about this in another long thread I started).

 

Primarily, I decided I wanted to work to improve the marriage as I do love her and couldn't stand being away from her. We live in sep. states now but are not separated. Can post more later in that thread or PM...

Here's a posting on another board... (should anyone want to know about my situation).

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=371096

I probably need to talk to my counselor about this. I started crying about 2 paragraphs into typing this and I soaked through a few tissues by now.

That sounds like a good idea.

I had a dream I was on a rollercoaster last night. I guess the good feelings I been having are giving way to this **** again. I know I can't keep beating myself up forever but I am not sure how else to handle these emotions. I am a female but I'm not really emotional and don't know how to handle them... its not like me to cry very much... and here I am balling my eyes out.

Crying is all very normal and to be expected, so don't go thinking any less of yourself for crying over the failed marriage. The failure isn't necessarily your responsibility as your EX sure didn't live up to his part of keeping the marriage going or working to improve it now, did he?

 

Seriously. If you knew your EX was going to prefer to jack-off to women on a computer screen instead of ML to you, would you have married this guy?

If I was the woman in that kind of situation, I would have grabbed his laptop out of his hands and thrown it against the wall... to get his attention (think that would have worked and maybe awakened him).

 

Duck, I've never been through a divorce but of course have been through devastating breakups, so I can't provide experience-based suggestions on divorce recovery. But there are groups out there and online. A counselor could help.

 

Hope my postings helped here.

 

You've got friends here who know and care for you.

[worldgonewrong]

Duckduckgoose - your feelings resonate with mine, when I get in that same 'head space'. I'm in my early 40's and my separation has made me feel - at times - like the world has passed me by and no woman will ever find me attractive again.

 

BUT....

I know that's not really so. Life will and does go on.

 

You gotta heal yourself first before worrying about even a future love.

 

(telling you what you already know, but just throwing it out there to support you.)

[Duckduckgoose]

Thank you, I appreciate the support. My eyeballs are dry now from the crying I did this morning making my contacts act up. It was almost all my emotional strength to go to Petsmart and get some crickets for the tarantulas.

 

I can't get an appointment with my lawyer till MARCH 25th... lol. My divorce papers weren't a summons or anything so I don't have to respond in a set amount of time unless I get served a summons or something. That's what I was told today anyway.

[Duckduckgoose]

If I was the woman in that kind of situation, I would have grabbed his laptop out of his hands and thrown it against the wall... to get his attention (think that would have worked and maybe awakened him).

 

I wouldn't have done that, I made it very clear that neither of us were to harm each other physically or each other's property. He did punch the wall a few times which made me angry that he had to physically mess something up... and when we had a dog for a few weeks he hit the dog in the face because it was crying. We got rid of the dog but it made me very mad that he would hit a dog for it being upset.

 

You gotta heal yourself first before worrying about even a future love.

 

Part of me thinks that is true, part of me is wanting to at least test the waters some, maybe just to see if I still "have it". I'm 27 years old and in good shape, I exercise and eat right and try to take care of my appearance. I know that being lonely is def. my biggest fear right now since that sort of thing is out of my control. I can work for money, I can buy nice pretty things a nice car, fancy clothes, etc. But I can't buy love and it seems now that no matter what I do withint a relationship, and be good wife it fails.

 

How does a person measure when they are healed up? I don't talk about my D when I speak with other people unless the subject really gets into that sort of thing, or I am asked directly about it. Does a person every really get over a D until they find someone else? These are things I don't know the answer to and wiser minds than mine could chime in on if possible.

 

I've been reading remarriage statistics and it said that most people are re-married within 5 years of their divorce. Does that mean they got over their divorce that quickly? Did they date with no residual emotions? Some people don't ever seem to get over it, but they get married again anyway? Does taking the loneliness away help in the recovery process? It seems like it would... when a person lives in fear it really hampers a lot of things.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am 28, we are too ****ing young to be losing our husbands over sexual reasons! WTF is wrong with the world?!

[Duckduckgoose]

We both married porn addicts...they can't hide their love for dirty pictures for long.

 

I am comforted somewhat knowing that my stbxH will only bring his problems into his next R, while I will have my stuff sorted out when I do get involved again. If I see a picture of him and a new woman I will look at her face and wonder when she is going to snap cause of the porn... or whether it will be his laziness or commitment and communication issues that will ruin it for her... or will she be the crazy one? Maybe she'll beat him or **** with his mind, manipulate him.

 

In DivorceCare they said part of the road of forgiveness is being able to wish the X well. I commented does it count if we wish on them what they deserve? Its more realistic at least.

 

If I say anything to him during divorce proceedings it will probably be "May you reap what you sow".

[Duckduckgoose]

I have a tension headache and sinus ache from crying so much... broke down 5 times today. I think I'm not so upset now because my head is hurting

 

I did get Facebook and been playing with that. First thing I did was block my stbxH. His profile pic is of him sitting in the dark frowning.

 

I guess his porns got deleted?

[Floridaman]

I have a tension headache and sinus ache from crying so much... broke down 5 times today. I think I'm not so upset now because my head is hurting

 

I did get Facebook and been playing with that. First thing I did was block my stbxH. His profile pic is of him sitting in the dark frowning.

 

I guess his porns got deleted?

Amazing what some people put up as their pic on FB.

I've seen some people I used to know like 20-30 years ago, and they look like... crap.

 

Just got on FB? Good. It's a good way to meet other people and reconnect with past friends. Like job networking, you know someone who knows someone who...

 

I've never blocked anyone. You're not talking about HIDING a friend's posts. You say you can specify a person from not seeing your FB page?

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah in the privacy settings. I made sure to block him... I think block is the word it used. I see that Facebook can be a bit addictive so I am only looking at it a little bit. I already play World of Warcraft and Dance Dance Revolution I don't need any more time eaters.

[Floridaman]

So this person is not a "friend" you can block them?

 

If for ex. I don't like Jane Doe, and don't want Jane Doe to VIEW my FB page, I can type that person's name in and it blocks them from viewing my profile?

 

Have been on FB prob. 2 years but only recently learned about the blocking feature.

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah. I didn't friend him. Block is wonderful... it's like they don't exist

 

Too bad he does exist but meh.

[Floridaman]

If I say anything to him during divorce proceedings it will probably be "May you reap what you sow".

I wouldn't say anything if you don't have to.

From all I've read, couples usually don't say anything during that somber proceeding. Remain NC to the end...

 

Of course, I haven't ever been on either side of infidelity nor experienced divorce, but I have read things about what couples go through in that...

 

On my posting how I would have grabbed his laptop and thrown it against the wall, I of course in no way would condone violence or harming others...

 

But.... if you have a cheatng spouse, or a spouse that's becoming an alcoholic, grabbing his bottles and taking drastic action like I recommended wouldn't be all that bad, right?

 

Just to wake the other up?

[Duckduckgoose]

I think his biggest wakeup if he ever has one is living without a good wife that loved him, stayed faithful, was patient, always tried to put him and the relationship first. She wasn't perfect but she always tried to build him up and supported his passions (the writing not the porn).

 

The only way he is going to see what he's really lost is to date a few different women and deal with their bull****. If he's as torn up as a mutual friend leads me to believe... needing "support" and all, then he's probably feeling it now.

 

Ah well, such is life. Make bed and lay in it.

 

Or inflate stolen air mattress and lay on it as the case may be.

[Floridaman]

Ah well, such is life. Make bed and lay in it.

 

Or inflate stolen air mattress and lay on it as the case may be.

That's a good play on words on an earlier incident you wrote about here in this post.

Brings a new meaning to "mattress hopping..."

 

Good for you, Duck, to have some sense of humor during these difficult times.

[Duckduckgoose]

Humor helps me to get through it some... at times it's a mask, like the song "Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson.

 

I did find a fellow mountain biker today and will be hitting the mountain trails. Its something I could never do with my stbxH toward the end of the marriage. He would pretty much just throw the keys at me and tell me to take his truck, but mountain trails you need a partner or if you crash you are in deep ****.

 

Its a beautiful day to ride too. Well gotta go and get my bike's tires aired up, fill my water bottles, and make sure all my parts are oiled like they should be.

 

I'm pretty excited... I was so afraid that I wouldn't ever be able to ride again unless I met someone with a truck. This dude has a car, but his bike rack holds three bikes, and he's a regular mountain biker. No, he's not a romantic interest but he seems like he'd be a good trail buddy.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have a tension headache and sinus ache from crying so much... broke down 5 times today. I think I'm not so upset now because my head is hurting

 

I did get Facebook and been playing with that. First thing I did was block my stbxH. His profile pic is of him sitting in the dark frowning.

 

I guess his porns got deleted?

 

They frown because the porn makes them only high, not happy. If they knew how to be happy without the porn then they wouldn't need it. They depend on outside things to feel good and end up not feeling good at all about themselves. I know that my H blames our marriage for his unhappiness, but truly I don't believe he will be any happier and he won't be able to see his little girl without getting help. I will not allow someone so checked-out and unhealthy to be around my daughter.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think his biggest wakeup if he ever has one is living without a good wife that loved him, stayed faithful, was patient, always tried to put him and the relationship first. She wasn't perfect but she always tried to build him up.

The only way he is going to see what he's really lost is to date a few different women and deal with their bull****.

 

Ah well, such is life. Make bed and lay in it.

 

Or inflate stolen air mattress and lay on it as the case may be.

 

In my case I think the above as well except it is: panhandle in -20 to get enough money for hotel room and get someone else to make bed OR fail to get funds and sleep out in cold with laptop and backpack.