My story.

[Duckduckgoose]

My H called today wanting to know my schedule so we can get the divorce papers going. I didn't answer the phone I just let it go to voicemail. I knew he would call today... on the worst possible day when I had to have my pet put down

 

I went to the fitness center and did the treadmill and walking track for about 2 hours, then got back out to my car and cried my eyes out. I called my dad and he told me not to keep beating myself up over this, that my husband is a coward to run at the first sign of trouble over problems that can be easily resolved.

 

I just have trouble understanding why he would want to throw this relationship away because we had a bad week, especially when we can get counselling for it. Is it so much better for him to live in a basement and have no truck then to have a stable life with a wife that loves him and is dedicated to him? I just don't get it. Was I really so horrible and terrible that he had to run like that?

 

My counselling starts on Wednesday and I really hope they can help me out. This is so difficult to work through by myself.

[fltc]

Yeah... I was wondering what the "Donewrong" and What Next" stuff was all about?

 

I'm surprised nobody gave you a direct answer, when you have time please read through this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233265/

 

It's VERY long but you need only read What Next's posts, he's a good writer, you'll follow his marriage as it disintegrates with Donewrong's behavior, his "D" day when he discovers her infidelity, his reactions and, finally, the attempts to recover the marriage which may or may not be successful.

 

Maybe it should be required reading for everyone here.... You may find some help in it.

[Duckduckgoose]

I did read that one... I'm not sure what I am looking for in it. My husband has checked out 100%... I just need listening ears at this point. Only an act of God can bring him back now. The counselling I am going to is IC, not MC... H made it very clear that this was not his problem and he did not need fixing.

[Duckduckgoose]

As an update to my situation in case anyone reads this; my H contacted me about when to meet to return each others miscellaneous goods and when to start the divorce papers.

 

I did not feel comfortable talking to him so I texted him back. He called again and I texted back. I then texted that I was not comfortable talking to him and would he please correspond via texting.

 

His texting started getting really messed up so I asked him to clarify his text. He then called me, angrily (I didn't answer he left a voicemail) suggesting that we use email because he feels like he having to jump through hoops to contact me, blah blah blah.

 

The Gist of the texting was this: I proceeded to text him that I was getting my own lawyer to protect me in this situation and that it is not because I want a messy divorce. He then said he would give me $400 for my own lawyer as long as I didn't drag it out... then he wants me to use my lawyer to draw up the divorce papers. I said that I wasn't expecting him to pay for my lawyer.

 

I thought this reaction was unnecessary seeing as he left and now he is acting angry because I am getting a lawyer to protect myself. I don't understand why he would be so pissy about this, he is the one that wants the divorce. Did he think he could snap his fingers and magically get it? Wth?

 

I guess it takes a situation like this to see the real person.

[robf1971]

I just have trouble understanding why he would want to throw this relationship away because we had a bad week, .

 

Hi,

 

It's not because of a bad week, this has been building up for months or years. You need to own 50% of this as does your husband, at the moment all he will do is blame you completely. However,this can possibly be turned around.

 

5 months ago my wife of 7 yrs told me "she didn't want to be married to me anymore", "She was no longer attracted to me", she could never kiss me again, and a whole load of other incredibly hurtful stuff, she was done with us. Sadly pretty similar to your situation. She also flat out refused marriage counselling, saying it was a waste of time.

 

In the last month, our physical relastionship has come back, I get "I love you" again, she's wearing her wedding ring again, she's talking about a future with me in it. On Monday she suggested marriage counselling out of the blue, my jaw almost dropped to the floor. Our problems are still massive, and an enormous amount of work needs to be done but she finally is on board to work on things with me.

 

Anyway point being it took that long to get to even this stage, IMO assume the marriage is dead, work really hard on yourself. He wants a divorce so bad, let him do all the legwork. He hasn't yet felt the consequences of his choice. Anyway there's loads more to say but i gotta get back to work..

[Duckduckgoose]

Thank you Rob.

 

H knows I am in counselling. I owned up to my issues and told him I am getting counselling.

 

I am only getting the lawyer to protect myself. I refuse to make my lawyer do the dirty work, and I plan to tell him that next time we have to have contact.

 

If he wants this divorce he will have to get his own lawyer and get them to draw up papers. My lawyer is just to look over anything before I sign it.

 

One thing he keeps mentioning is that he wants a quick, clean divorce and then we go our seperate ways. I don't think he realizes that no divorce is quick or clean.

 

We don't live together anymore, so its not like I have to see him on a daily basis. I am getting out and trying different things to occupy my mind.

[Duckduckgoose]

The whole "silent treatment" thing is really hitting me hard right now. When I would get mad I would get quiet so I didn't say anything upsetting. I noticed that he would usually bend to my will even if I was wrong... I would say that I was wrong or acted up once I cooled down... I never meant to hurt him I didn't think it was hurting him.

 

He is a pretty sensitive guy which is what I liked about him. That's why I didn't want to yell or get verbally nasty. I am going to discuss how to manage my feelings with my counselor today. If I blew it with H then at least I will know how to handle myself for a future spouse.

 

Of course I think its ****ty that he would not give me a chance to go to counselling and work on my issues before he left. Had I known that he was upset I would have gotten counselling earlier. I can be very stubborn but I am not too stubborn to please the person I love.

[homebrew]

The man you married has reverted back to being a little boy. Or rather, a ***** teenage boy who finds excitement in checking out chicks, p*ssing off their boyfriends and enjoying feeling attractive to other ladies. He doesn't care how you feel about that and that is why he has shared with you these tidbits of very telling information. Which leads me to assume there is a whole lot more you don't know.

 

You had the reasons for feeling insecure in your M. You even had the reason for mentioning D the way you did. You were hoping he would declare his love for you and put behind his foolishness. Sadly, he chose to run, but before doing that he let you know how impossible you are and all your faults without any mention of his own. Off he went! The cancelling of the health insurance while you are unemployed? Lowdown. Ick.

 

I wouldn't waste money on a PI. If he isn't cheating now he has every intention of doing so very soon. He has moved out. He's free as a bird!

 

Considering the length of the M, he wasn't able to move onto a mature love with you. He's wants the butterflies. They make him feel alive. That shows his emotional immaturity and commitment phobia. You are not responsible in any way for this. Whoever he hooks up with in future it will be a union short in duration. What he does and with whom should not be a worry to you now. Love yourself first!

 

DuckDuck,

 

What I think mirrors what was already said above.

 

I am glad that you are attending church again and praying about this.

 

Did you have issues? Yes. Did your issues warrant a divorce? HECK NO!!!!

 

The guy is showing his emotional immaturity.

 

If I was in his shoes... the fact that you now "REALIZE" your issues and are taking steps to resolve them is huge! Counseling, Attending church... a plus, praying... another plus.

 

He is just as GUILTY (I THINK WORSE) as you were. He didn't communicate what your issues were doing to him and where it was leading him. He also completely threw in the towel and wasn't nice about it either! When it came time to fight for the marriage... HE DIDN'T! What a cowardly man!

 

Good news though... God is in control! If it is His will, He will change your H's heart! If not, He has something even BETTER in store for you. He does not disappoint! Surrender to Him and His will. Have your friends and family pray for your situation (I will add you to my prayer list).

 

At my church, the have a divorce recovery group. If you haven't checked into that I would. It will be a great place to meet people that are going through the same thing you are.

 

As far as your how to handle your Husband... I would give him time and space. After he sticks his head out there and has a look around at what is out there... he could change his mind. I don't know... I would be friendly, nice, caring, loving, etc. (even though he isn't). I would continue to share with him all the things you are doing in regards to solving your "issues". Don't look for a response or listen to what he says... keep pressing forward. Actions are louder than words so make sure your actions are following what you are sharing with him when you get the chance. Don't sound like you are begging... just be matter of fact about it.

 

I think you are doing everything you can / should be doing at this point.

 

Feel free to respond with any comments or questions... I will watch this thread from now on.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am pretty much NC with him. I don't want to talk to him since he has checked out. I thought about asking him if he could outline exactly what my problems were so I could bring specific examples to the counselor. I don't really want to break NC unless I absolutely have to. Would it be smart to in this case?

 

In my counselling session today we talked about my anger and attitude since it was things I brought up the most. I probably should have gotten counselling after I lost my job because thats when unresolved anger really became a problem for me. I would mountain bike 16+ miles HARD 3x week just so I would be too worn out to care.

 

I have some "homework" to do for this week, and hopefully I will be able to apply it to my life soon. Probably not in the H department but just in how I react to situations (like HUGE SUVs trying to run my little Civic off the road). I been trying to be specific to situations and not generalize... like instead of saying all SUV drivers are bad and all people in little cars are pricks, I take it case by case. Or all men with big truck have a small wiener haha.

[norm28]

I wouldn't consult him on what he thought was wrong with you. Chances are, he would just drum up stuff to try to justify his actions. If you have a good therapist, and are completely honest with them, they will be able to identify the areas you need to work on. No sense to break NC just to give him an oppurtunity to try to hurt you by saying "this isn't good, and you do that". Work focus on yourself, and you'll be fine.

[Duckduckgoose]

There are several Divorce Care classes offered in my area. Its it the Bible Belt... I can't drive down one street without passing at least 3 churches. I am serious.

 

I planned to enroll in Divorce Care once the D papers were signed. Should I do it earlier?

[norm28]

You can go whenever you want. I went after 6 weeks, and it didn't do anything for me. I'm lucky to be surrounded by a great support network that has been through this, and all the advice I got at DivorceCare I had already heard a few times. But you should give it a try, you don't have to be divorced to do it. Best of luck!!

[Duckduckgoose]

Okay, I will go to DivorceCare. The church I have been attending is huge and has DivorceCare.

 

I also plan to enroll in nursing school. Maybe get my CNA, then while I am working get my LPN, and eventually get my RN. Its something I had been thinking about for a long time, and had discussed with my husband while we were still together.

 

Now there is nothing holding me back from it! There wasn't really anything holding me back before (he was all for me), but now I'm free to do as I please, which is a career change that will last me the rest of my life

[solitary_man]

just got done reading through all this... i'm sorry you're going through what you're going through, Duck. It isn't easy. everyone here will tell you that, and mean it from personal experience.

 

is (or was) he a church goer by any chance?

just curious, because the bible (paul) does consider it grounds for divorce if a non-believing wife states that she 'wants to leave' a believing husband. this came to my mind when you said his attitude changed when you mentioned divorce.

 

If he is angry, it's probably because he finds it easier to deal with anger than to face the guilt/remorse he's feeling. Anger works like a big curtain that hides all the hurt inside you.

 

lastly, i'll just say that it's not impossible for a husband to leave his wife just to be alone. I speak from experience. there are all kinds of people on this board with all kinds of problems, and those of us who choose to interact will try to inject our own situations into yours. (myself included, obviously)

 

Best of luck. I know it's a dark time, but it does get easier. Pour yourself into healthy activities. invest in yourself, for yourself. Find a passion. One day down the road, you will be better than you ever were, whether he is in your life or not.

[Duckduckgoose]

We were both on the fence about religion. He was suggesting checking out a church and that he felt a spiritual pull. He had been praying some, and he would tell me about it. I told him about the times I would pray, mostly when I was biking or taking a nice long walk (I found out from my counselor that that kind of praying is called a devotional)

 

I wasn't Christian then. I would pray to Jesus and a few other deities. I did it on and off, but it wasn't a Christian lifestyle... I would have considered myself spiritual. I definitely believed in a higher power, maybe a few of them lol. When we got a thing in the mail from the church I now attend, a baptist church, I showed it to him as it was a outdoors issue and had mountain biking in it. I wanted to go to this church with him and meet up with some of the mountain bikers.

 

He wasn't for it, as his grandparents were Baptist and for some reason it really put him off. He wanted to attend a Catholic service with one of our mutual friends. I was okay with that too, I figured he needed to make his own path to God.

 

The day after he left is when I took the leap of faith and went to the Baptist church that mailed that outdoors issue to us. I don't think it was a coincidence that it was several months old and arrived in the mail anyway... and that it had my favorite activity on it.

 

I do not regret what it took for me to reach this point in my spiritual relationship and my walk with Jesus. Thank you for your input. I am trying to keep this thread updated as things develop with this situation. I know some people leave off randomly or make several threads.

 

My H is running from something. I don't know what it is... he could be running from God, or himself, or... I don't know.

[miss_b]

My husband left because he didn't want to deal with me either. I didn't realize how bad I'd become, and it totally made him check out the last year of our marriage. I couldn't understand why he was so distant & why we seemed like roommates, so my anger & resentment grew. During our separation I've finally realized that I need to get a grip- I started taking anxiety meds & exercise regularly to deal with my issues. He still isn't sure if he wants me back & wants me to wait around for him to figure it out. I can't believe that he is bailing on our marriage. It's hard when you take your vows seriously, and it seems so easy for the other person to just throw you away! I suggest giving yourself a goal to work towards- I'm planning on running a 12K in a few months. That way, you will be working towards something postive in your life that doesn't involve him our your old life together. Luckily you don't have children. I have to see my husband on a regular basis & it kills me to not hold him. We can only control our own behavior & thoughts, and good for you for working on yourself. Letting go is extremely difficult but sometimes very necessary. "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin"

[Duckduckgoose]

I realize the blame is not just with me, yeah I had some problems but no they didn't warrant the reaction I got. Even though I am getting counselling and doing what I need to do for me, it seems like there is something else going on with him that he won't talk about.

 

That is water under the bridge though, I am moving on and doing what I need to do for me. Only he can fix himself... he of course doesn't need fixing according to him.

[sirweasles]

I would suggest full on NC dont even talk to him or acknowledge him at the devorce proceedings let your lawyer do all the talking dont even look at him when its all done have a relitive at the houde when he takes what he gets and you go shopping when he is done then you can return if you have too change your email adress your face book acct your phone number and your door locks then make sure you change all your passwords to somthing he wont know and basically shut the door on him shut him out of your life and move on you have no reason to stay tied to him down the road when you are fully healed from this you will be better prepared for the accasional bump into but right now the tighter you can close him off the easier it will be for you to heal

[Duckduckgoose]

Locks changed; Check

 

I don't have Facebook, but neither does he. I don't plan to speak to him at the divorce proceedings, that's for damn sure

[sirweasles]

good for you Its good to see that you are working through this the smart way.

[Duckduckgoose]

I had to see him yesterday to give him the rest of his crap that he left in my apartment, and also get some of my things back.

 

I really really was not looking forward to it. I was praying in my car the whole time for peace and guidance and... to not bust a cap in his ass.

 

As I was praying he knocks on my window which pissed me off, he didn't text or anything to say he was out of the store and where to meet him. He just acts all familiar with me.

 

I give him his **** and get mine.

 

Well he forgot to give me my air mattress back. So I texted him today asking for the air mattress. I am not acting familiar or buddy-buddy, I act polite and distant. He asks me to tell him when and where to be to get the air mattress back. I told him to mail it.

 

He said that dropping it off at my apartment door would be cheaper than mailing it. Well I do not want him anywhere NEAR my apartment, I do not I do not I do not. I don't care if its cheaper and he's broke as hell. Marriage counselling would have been cheaper than a divorce, but I guess that slipped his ****ing mind.

 

I told him again to mail it- please. His response: Fine.

 

I guess this is an example of that "stubbornness" that drove him away in the first place. I called my father and asked if I could have dealt with the situation any better. I don't want how I handle this to be something I look back on and regret.

 

My father said that I don't want to be around him I shouldn't have to. He made the decision to make us two separate people by walking away and demanding divorce. Now there is no compromise, no "well it's cheaper". That's not my problem anymore. I don't know what his issue is, if he just he can't get the hint I don't want to be around him or what. I almost texted him directly that I did not want to see him, be around him, or talk to him any more than absolutely necessary but I didn't.

 

Ugh.. sorry ranting spree.

[Duckduckgoose]

Another Update. I am doing this partly for myself now, and partly for anyone to read that wants to comment on it.

 

As I was taking my other gerbil to the vet today to be put down (he died on the way there btw) the stbxH texts messages me saying he can't find my air mattress that he took (he's probably sleeping on it and lying about it) and if a $40 gift card would be okay instead. I told him yes and the $400 he said he would give me for my lawyer.

 

He says that he was only going to give me the $400 if my lawyer was the one that drew up the divorce papers. He also said that he could barely afford his own lawyer.

 

I responded that I never asked him to pay for my lawyer and he was the one that offered the $400 to me all I did was take him up on the offer. I also added that I have the texts from where he said he was going to give me $400 as well as a saved voicemail with the same thing AND from when we discussed lawyer business last Saturday in person.

 

His response was:"I'll pay two hundred and no more. Period. The offer was only if your lawyer was drawing up the papers. I repeated told you I would not pay your lawyer. Will also mail your gift card. Do we have an accord. Don't want to draw this out please."

 

I did not respond to this last message. I meet with my lawyer tomorrow. I was not about to make an "accord" with someone who has no qualms about breaking wedding vows or making offers then rescinding them on conditions that he did not specify until things didn't go his way. I will not make my lawyer draw up divorce papers because he's too ****ing lazy to do it.

 

I do not want to "negotiate" with him any more. I told him I would give him an uncontested divorce. He's just being ****ty about the $400 thing... not to mention when he returned my things that he took with him he bought the cheapest replacements he possibly could. Hell, plastic silverware would have been better than the **** he gave me back.

 

I know this is small beans compared to what some LSers have to deal with, but it still helps me to vent it. Even mutual friends from college that are not getting in the middle are taking my side with how ****ty he got so fast.

[Floridaman]

Good to hear the update, Duck.

I responded to you on the porn thread, but edited it out as I thought it might be inappropriate as I hadn't fully read your other posts about your awful situation.

 

I see you're posting now on other things, so I might go back and repost my follow-up thoughts in that thread. (Wanted to PM you)...

[Duckduckgoose]

I have a lot of posts but I can't PM anyone? How do I get to where I can PM people?

[Duckduckgoose]

Yesterday I met with my lawyer for the first time, lawyer said I couldn't do anything to get the $400 that stbxH said he would give me even though I have evidence of him saying it, texting it, AND saved on a voicemail.

 

I had counselling after the lawyer which helped some... but I have a lot of "homework" to do for the lawyer.

 

I texted stbxH saying to please send me the $40 gift card to replace the air mattress and also the $200 that he said he would give me instead of the $400 for the lawyer. I asked him to please mail it to me and don't send cash. I suggested that he get a money order or cashier's check since he doesn't have a checkbook.

 

He knows I don't want to see him or have him around my apartment. So his texts were as follows:

 

"I don't trust the mail with that kind of money. Don't want to stress you but would like to give you the cash in person"

 

"I want to see you have the money to be on the safe side in case lost. If you say you didn't get it I won't believe"

 

"I know you don't want to see me I understand How about Chris drives me down to your apartment and I slide the money and gift card under the door no knock no contact I know you got the money and then I'm gone."

 

"If it helps tell me a time and go for a walk that way the money will be there when you get back and you won't have to meet me"

 

I don't see why this should be an issue. I don't want him around my apartment and I don't want to meet him in person. The mail is not dangerous and I have never lied to him about anything. I have never taken money from him, he has no grounds to think I will lie now. My door is airtight and it would be impossible to slip anything underneath.

 

I just texted back: "The door is airtight as per the fire code and its not possible to slip anything underneath. If you leave it in front of the door it will almost certainly be stolen. I do not want you around me or my apartment. Get certified mail so I have to sign for it. I will even text you to confirm that I got it and what the contents are. I have not lied thus far and will not start now your grounds for untrustworthiness are baseless".

 

Maybe I can get the **** mailed like I've been trying to for the past week. Paranoia at the post office? Maybe he is on drugs or mentally ill.