My story.

[Duckduckgoose]

People will go down with their addictions.

 

I don't think my stbxH, like yours, will find happiness while he is hooked on porn. The cycle will keep repeating itself. I on the other hand while I have my down, have been having the highs that I've haven't felt in a long time.

 

It felt so awesome to be up on those trails again... the guy took me on trail loops I didn't know about... his bike is beautiful, and so light!

 

He pulled up in an new Infinity G35... I about pissed on myself seeing his car. We talked a whole bunch on the trails and afterward. He's got a house in a really nice side of town, he's one of those filthy rich engineers. He's pretty friendly too... I was surprised a gold digger hasn't snatched him up, and said as much haha.

 

He told me about his parents and where they lived... the richest side of town... in the houses that I called the 15 bedroom ones.

 

He wasn't bragging. I told him he had a nice car... hell I drive a 2001 Honda Civic that I am proud of and have taken good care of... but part of me was like if I faked liking this guy I could get my Honda CR-Z, a beautiful mountain bike... I could have whatever material stuff I wanted. All this stuff and the guy is only 29 years old... whoever gets him is never gonna want for anything in her life holy ****.

 

You know it almost felt like a date

 

I am still sort of in shock... I just wanted to go riding with him, and we did... he knew the trails up there on the mountain and it was great. I wasn't expecting that the guy had money coming out of his ears.

 

I did crash once on the ride, in a messy rocky part of the second trail we hit. I has a nice big welt on my knee from it, a bruise on my hip, and missing the skin from my left elbow haha.

 

He even gave me a bike rack for the back of my Civic. AND helped put it on!

 

Mind=blown

 

On the bad side though... there is a bad side...not with him but its still bad.

 

There was a notice on my car about proposed rezoning of my apartment complex. I saw it but ignored it before the ride. I mentioned it to the guy and he said he'd heard they were planning to move all the people where I live out and make it an office and shopping area...

 

We read the notice after he set up my mountain bike rack. It's true... they are having a meeting for everyone in my apartment and cottages area to rezone the area and hear our concerns. I've been to zoning meetings before many times... and when they say they want to hear our concerns its pretty much to just hear us vent and dick us over anyway. That's got me pretty down.. I was getting comfortable after redecorating this apartment and making it "mine" only to get this stupid re-zoning notice.

 

So I guess I will be having to move soon... this is not the first time its been done to me either...

[Duckduckgoose]

Well some good news is I don't have to move out my apartment just yet. At the planning meeting on Tuesday they sent the proposal to rezone back to commision for traffic study. Good because where i live is very congested 24/7 and there is a hospital here and it would cause problems with ambulances and stuffs.

 

Well I been talking to this guy I met on a dating site. He lives in my city, looks pretty good seems to have a lot of things going for him. He's 24 (I'm 27) but said he prefers slightly older women because of maturity. We've been going back and forth on email for a few weeks and now we're texting.

 

I hate texting but this might just be the new way of getting to know someone before you meet in person nowadays? I haven't said anything kinky or sexual to him and vice versa, just talking about random stuff.

 

Well the whole time I am talking to this guy I keep wondering should I be doing this is it time for me to start dating? These were all things that have popped in my mind with people I've dated in the past. I keep wondering do I want a relationship with this person?

 

I know if we keep texting we'll prolly meet up and get to know each other better. Do I want that? Shouldn't I be testing the waters right now? Am I just nervous or scared because I met him online? His story and background check out pretty well. He likes to cook and just bought his own house. These all seem like pluses to me.

 

What is holding me back? Is it fear? Is it not being ready to date? I took a really long walk along a Greenway today and thought about it quite a bit. I can't pinpoint exactly what is making me feel like this. I was upfront with the fellow that I was separated and in the process of a divorce. I also told him if he had any questions I would answer them. He said he's not too worried about that part, and asked when my D would be final.

 

And also last night was the reconciliation class in DivorceCare. While I know reconciliation isn't up to me at this point, it has kind of made me think more. I have been praying that if I am not supposed to start dating this new guy then please give me a clear sign. I can't wade through the muck of my emotions to figure out what exactly it is I am afraid of... another breakup?

 

Is this really so bad as I am making it out to be? After all just talking to someone isn't dating them and doesn't mean I have to marry them. I know that I will have to date some more guys before I find one to marry when the time comes. This guy seems like a good start, he's a little wild like I am...got a good job and likes to cook (any man that cooks gets auto-brownie points). What am I so fearful for?

 

When I went mountain biking on Sunday with a different guy I didn't have these conflicting emotions about things I just up and did it. Was it because there was no pressure to move forward and date? When we finished biking and were talking to a neighbor for while in my head it felt like a date but I knew it wasn't. What is going on? Am I crazy, is this normal?

 

And also on a good note my CNA classes start Monday... two weeks of nursing and cramming coming up. Part of me hopes I will soon be too busy to worry about males, but part of me wants the male companionship. I feel torn two ways....UGH!

 

I would just like to say thank you again to my stbxH for trainwrecking the marriage so that I have to deal with this **** again.

 

I am also looking forward to getting back into the SCA, Gulf Wars is coming up in a few weeks and I am thinking of attending.

 

Any comments or input as to why I am so confuzzled and what to do would be nice.

[heartshaped]

Duckduckgoose, I've been following your thread. Honestly, it's probably just too earlier for you to date. I've never been through a divorce, but I know when I ended my four year long relationship it was months before I even thought of seriously seeing anyone else so I can imagine the time necessary to heal and move on before dating someone after your divorce.

 

I can understand your need/want for male companionship, but I think you just need to give yourself some time to heal. Work on yourself, pursue your goals/hobbies. Men will come in time, but right now, IMO, it's too early for you to be seeing other men. You just aren't in an emotional position right now for that and I think starting to see someone would only cause more emotional distress on your end.

[Duckduckgoose]

We met in January 2006, "talked" till late April 2006 then started dating. We moved in together in August 2007 when I got a job in the city I'm in now. Engaged in July 2008, married in late December 2008, and he left in early December 2010.

 

So more than 4 years but not 5 total, and less than 2 years married before he runnoft. If that helps.

[Floridaman]

Duck, gotta agree with heartshaped. I've never been in a divorce, but everything I have read and heard advises against getting involved in another relationship so soon. Becomes a rebound deal, as you know.

 

After a devastating breakup, I immediately resumed dating. No problem necessarily but you remain in a fog and aren't really thinking objectively. Made some wrong decisions on dating and had to let one woman go as I didn't see a future.

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah... I've been trying to figure out how to let this guy down. He seems pretty nice. Its really hard for me to reject people... like really hard. Part of me was kind of hoping he would just stop texting.

 

I've already taken my profile from the dating site down, did that yesterday.

 

How can I turn this fellow down? We haven't met up yet but he kind of wants to this weekend...

[willowthewisp]

Hi Duck,

 

I've been following your story too. All you need to do with regards to the guy is just be honest, if he is a nice guy he will understand and if he gets all upset etc then you had a lucky escape.

[Duckduckgoose]

I texted him "I just got off the phone with my counselor and its probably best if we hold off meeting for a while. I been having a lot going on with nursing and getting the divorce finalized i can't put 100% of myself into meeting new people till my schedule settles down some. You got your act together and its not fair for you to have to deal with someone who is still getting on their feet."

 

His response "okay"

 

Me: "Sorry. That was my fault so thought i should be honest and so you wouldn't feel led on"

 

His response: "Thanks"

 

With that second text I just wanted him to know it wasn't him he's got a lot of good things going for him. I apologized and made sure I said that it wasn't his fault cause it isn't. It is me and I dipped my toes in the water too early and I didn't like the temperature.

 

Hell he's got a new house, a beautiful truck, a nice pitbull dog, a good job not sure why this kind of guy would be interested in me anyways... coming out of a divorce AND career changing... barely paying the bills till I get a CNA or Nurse Tech job... with just a small apartment...

 

Or course guys like him are probably thinking... gee I got a nice house a nice vehicle a good job a nice pet why can't I attract a decent woman?

 

Its made me think that when I get involved again the guy is gonna have to be on a lot of the same pages as me. Financial and otherwise. My stbxH was... man this really sucks.

 

I thought about making another thread in the coping section but I kinda want to keep all of this process together in one thread so other people can read it and see one person's experience all in one spot.

[Distant78]

You're divorcing and messing with someone else all ready?

 

What has this world come to.

[Duckduckgoose]

To each their own Distant. I hope you never divorce because it's really quite a horrible experience.

 

You lose a lot of self-esteem, you feel like a failure, you feel like you can never be loved by someone of the opposite sex again just because your spouse left.

 

This is a learning process to me. I have not gotten physical with anyone if that is your concern. I am not slutting myself out, I am trying to test how far I am in the healing process. Not far enough obviously. Seems to be a touchy thing.

 

I am in IC, I attend DivorceCare, my counselor recommended that I not get involved for legal reasons, she didn't really get into the emotional reasons and whatnot I guess she wanted me to figure that one out for myself

 

Some people can date just fine during their divorce process. Hell some people are dating and ****ing others while they are supposed to be "happily married". My stbxH and I have been separated since early December and I have NC with him except in matters directly concerning divorce proceedings. I don't really care what stbxH is doing right now, he made his choice to leave so good riddance.

 

I have been battling lonliness and wishing I had a bf/husband in my life. Part of for the past few days has been missing stbxH directly... and I keep wondering if I will ever find someone else compatible with me like that. I'm not asking for pity but these are hard things to contend with especially when that person hurts you so bad.

 

I know to meet people I am going to have to get out of my comfort zone so I have been trying to spread myself really thin with hobbies and whatnot. I honestly don't like it that much but I'm not going to meet people sitting in my apartment unless they break in, and that's not the kind of person I want to meet.

 

I am not sure how testing the waters in the midst of a divorce is bad. If it gives you an idea where you are at in the healing process and helps you get some of your self-esteem back, knowing that you are attractive to the opposite sex (or same sex if you swing that way), and that you still have it; it might not be good so to speak, but it's more neutral.

 

People have done far worse things than I have in the midst of divorce. I haven't done anything crazy or stupid... yet haha. I just had to see for myself by testing it out. I am a learner by doing. Stove is hot don't touch!... I touch anyway... ouch stove is hot don't touch... now I know.

[Distant78]

To each their own Distant. I hope you never divorce because it's really quite a horrible experience.

 

Believe me, I know exactly how it feels when I divorced my first wife. Know what you're going through. Just be..............take it easy.:cool:

[Duckduckgoose]

Well I got a text from rich mountain bike guy wanting to know if I wanted to go biking tomorrow. Its going to be a nice day, kind of cooler in the 60s as the high.

 

I did tell him no though, not this weekend. Not cause I didn't want to, but because my counselor's words were ringing in my head AND because I have to clean and do some laundry tomorrow

 

I called my dad and asked him what he thinks. My counselor told me not to be alone with another man platonically or not until my divorce is final because if stbxH sees me or gets wind of it he might use it to really screw me. And that's all rich mtbike guy is is platonic. He also said the only person I have to answer to is God, and God already knows I'm not into this guy.

 

My dad thinks that I shouldn't have to be paranoid and always looking over my shoulder. That as long as I am not doing anything with this guy and just biking there is nothing wrong with that. Its like going to lunch with co-workers of the opposite sex. If you don't do anything there is nothing to be worried about.

 

My mom thinks my counselor is correct and that stbxH will get really pissed off and nasty if he finds out.

 

Since I am really finding this to be a sticky situation I will just not mountain bike alone with a male till my ****s final. Imma get the one screw I need for the rack he installed for my car and bike alone on some of the easy one person trails or on a greenway.

 

And I will do SCA stuff since its always a group of people sort of deal.

 

Ugh... **** all this limbo and having to wait till late March to see my lawyer.

[allenmj]

Duck, looks like you're in a good place. Good for you

[Duckduckgoose]

Feeling lonely and kind of like a failure again today. One of those roller coaster downs I guess.

 

I was crying some after I got out the shower. I took a walk in a huge shopping plaza to get some sunlight and fresh air as well as errands. I felt pretty hollow inside, not very friendly today.

 

Everytime I would see a couple I got this sinking feeling... my mind bouncing between thinking its going to end horribly for them... the jaded part... or wondering why I got butt****ed out of being happy... the envious part. The jealous part is kind of strange because I am not typically jealous. Usually too laid back for that.

 

These emotions are starting to become pretty commonplace when I have my downs. My logic is like STFU and keep going but emotions are being nasty to me right now. I guess that is why I just started feeling hollow. I was trying to shut down the loneliness and failure-ness and got empty inside instead.

[allenmj]

Maybe it was just that kind of day, I was feeling that way all day myself, cept I was stuck at work.

 

Hang in there, Duck. From all the posts I've read from you I can tell you're not a failure. You're a bright, witty and fun young lady.

[Floridaman]

Humor helps me to get through it some... at times it's a mask, like the song "Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson.

Wow. I posted the same sentiments about THE SAME SONG on another thread with another guy going through hurt after his EX dumped him.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=369557&p=4675449&viewfull=1#post4675449

Rebound relationships usually fail (been there, done that), so don't assume the next guy she dates she's gonna be happy with, even if he she spreads her legs for him.

Since we're only communicating for our son now' date=' she should tell me right, but then, I dunno if she actually has? These are the things that mess my mind, that I know you shouldn't think about but can't help, and there's no point saying try not too because it's impossible, you can only let it go with time.[/quote']Please limit your communciation to just your son. Be civil, but don't dare show her any pain. Don't give her that power over you.

Try to act happy and make her think you're fine. The "Tears of a Clown" so to speak, as Smokey Robinson sang (1970s Motown song).

 

[Duckduckgoose]

Its a good song. A lot of newer songs suck compared to songs back in the day.

 

Sorry had a wild day. First day of accelerated CNA class. Went over 6 chapters, my brain hurts. Severe storms rolled in the middle of the day, tornado sirens went off, instructor took us into the bathroom and we continued lessons there. I didn't have my cell phone or would have got pics... other people did.

 

Imagine 5 female students and 2 male students in a small women's bathroom, sitting on commodes, sinks, the floor... while the teacher teaches about nursing. Tornado sirens going off outside, rain pounding on the roof.

 

Probably one of the weirdest things I've done in my life.

 

Also found out today that stbxH left the state, fearing that I would try and kill him. I don't really know what's going on there... I think he's really gone off the deep end. I haven't had contact with him except about the divorce and I don't go around threatening to kill him. Hell if anything I say I hope he finds what he seeks in this life... maybe he should seek a shrink. I guess he did get some of his mom's bat**** craziness.

 

I guess he's really got some of that cognitive dissonance going on right now. Not only am I the bad person... I'm out to kill him

 

Ah well, I won't be seeing his worthless ass in this city anymore

 

Now I feel like driving a circle around the city limits and "reclaming" it for myself

[Floridaman]

Its a good song. A lot of newer songs suck compared to songs back in the day.

Heartily agree.

There will never be a musical decade as good and as transformative as the 1960s...

And this coming from someone who didn't grow up with '60s music. Only got into it with oldies radio in the late 80s and early 90s...

 

I guess he's really got some of that cognitive dissonance going on right now. Not only am I the bad person... I'm out to kill him

 

Ah well, I won't be seeing his worthless ass in this city anymore

 

Now I feel like driving a circle around the city limits and "reclaming" it for myself [/

Keeping with Smokey Robinson & The Miracles, I Second That (Your) Emotion...."

[Duckduckgoose]

I thought maybe he had some mental illness before, like skitzo (sp?), and now the paranoia of running like that with no one chasing.. delusions of someone out to get them? Kind of funny because we covered mental illness in class today haha. I am not a licensed physician or psychologist so I can not diagnose but I'm leaning towards thinking he's mentally ill now.

 

It should have been a red flag when he told me he saw a lot of his mom (bipolar) in himself, and a lot of another person who is also mentally ill in himself as well. It freaked me out when he would say it, but he would reassure me he had himself figured out and that he was fine.

 

The seeing ghosts and feeling spirits and ****... on a weekly basis, freaking out at certain places because they "felt" wrong, like this one abandoned building in town that I wanted to explore.

 

I also tried to look at it from the cognitive dissonance perspective. The worse the act he committed, the worse he has to make me out to be; to try and justify his actions and keep his "ideal" of himself alive. I looked back through my cell phone messages that I sent him after he left and not one of them had any hint that I wanted to come find and kill him. I remember saying to him in January when we switched cell phone plans and had to be there in person that I WASN'T going to do anything and that I just wanted to be left alone.

 

That was also the last time I was really wanting to work things out. Its still hard to not beat myself up about this... I am trying to figure out where it all went wrong with him. Seems like if I can find that point in the relationship I can avoid it in the future with someone else? Is this feasible?

[Duckduckgoose]

Well I am enjoying my CNA class and the practical applications of things. I am however noticing a lot of strange triggers that I'm having trouble figuring out why they're there.

 

The school I am doing my CNA stuff at is in no way affiliated with stbxH or anything we used to do... yet when I am walking around on my breaks or lunch (especially at lunch when I am walking around the track) I get really lonely for stbX. Then I would see a white truck that looked like his second one and it hurt even worse.

 

If there are couples of people enjoying each other I can't help but thinking it's just going to implode on them. I keep those thoughts to myself because I realize they are very jaded thoughts. Or maybe foresight. Whatever.

 

The class schedule is an 8am to 5pm sort of deal, like my job I used to have when we first moved to this city. My body was fine and okay with the schedule I was keeping, but now when I am waking up I realize HE isn't there and I wake up lonely. I do my morning routine and I notice he's not around... when I get out I go back to an apartment that no one is already occupying (the birds and tarantulas don't count). Its like I am again noticing as I try to get into a different routine that HE isn't there and isn't coming back.

 

I did see a cute guy playing golf beside the track as I was walking around it and reading LOTR: The Two Towers.

 

I was sort of checking him out discreetly everytime I passed by (oblong track). I had sunglasses on and wasn't trying to be real obvious. When it was time to head back to class I walked a little bit close to him to get a better look and he was all "Hello, how are you doing today?" Very friendly and formal. Kind of odd for this area, definitely stuck out to me. I just said "I'm good" and kept going.

 

I kinda hope he comes out there and "golfs" some more (like tomorrow) so I can maybe talk to him a little bit. He had a nice body, could tell he works out. Nice face, goatee, not too tall.

 

I learned to take vital signs today and found out I am 5'4 1/2, and 124 lbs. Usually with shoes its 125 and 5'6. I was thinking I was closer to 130lbs in weight cause it is that time of the month and I am a bit bloated.

 

Its good that I haven't been getting PMS cramps though, for one I hate them and also stbxH took all the ****ing medications in the apartment when he left. Including prescription painkillers that were mine for gallbladder attacks. Yeah I never used them cause I rarely use Tylenol but still. We had like 4 bottles of Tylenol and also some PMS pills and other woman med stuffs. I don't think he really needed that ****. I'd pay good money to see what happens if he took BC pills though

 

I have been doing some running on campus as well, and that makes cramps less bad. Wasn't expecting to start the rag today though... but I guess the salty cravings and then the REALLY BAD cookie cravings I had last night should have been a tip off.

 

And one other thing that has been triggering me is after coming back to an empty apartment spending the evening alone and quiet... it really bothers me. Seems to be compounded by the fact that there is a girl with a really diva attitude in class that has a nice BF and I wonder what this fellow sees in her, she also has a lot of the guys from the Cosmetology class across the hall coming and talking to her. She gets very nasty, rude, and angry acting with them... and they keep coming back? It makes me feel very insecure because I try hard to not have a bad attitude. I have a very dry sense of humor which can be mistaken for sarcasm, but I keep my class laughing and on their toes... especially since I am the one that gets volunteered for most demostrations (Pick her she's light, pick her she's got a cool tattoo on her leg, pick her she doesn't mind). I don't mind getting poked, scratched, pulled on, squeezed, dropped, etc. Apparently also good at acting like a cranky old person too haha.

 

I been trying to sort through these triggers, or at least "compartmentalize" them. The only thing I am figuring out is that I can live by myself just fine, I am a fully functional adult and can take care of myself. Yet the being lonely part is what is really hurting a lot. I am very lonely for that companionship that I lost when stbX left. I like to have someone to talk to, share my day with, be intimate with, come home to... flaws and all.

 

I am thankful for my birds cause they take some of the edge off and give me something to think about if it gets really bad. I am still doing a lot of introspecting about the whole thing, is that part of compartmentalizing? When I zone out in class (course material is a bit too easy for me) my mind wanders to stbxH and the feelings I am dealing with in all this. I wonder if he is feeling the same thing.. is he looking up at the clouds wherever he went and wondering if I am hurting like he is?

 

I been praying a lot for comfort too, and thanking Jesus for the opportunity I have been given to get a good career going, and to help me concentrate and not mess up any of my clinicals or practical applications. I also been praying that he brings me the man I am supposed to be with that will love me and spend the rest of his life with me... soon. This lonely feeling really really hurts a lot.

[worldgonewrong]

DDGoose - gosh, I'm right there with you in the loneliness stakes. Praying has kept me sane.

[Duckduckgoose]

Pray, being outside, pets, and trying to get a normal routine is what is keeping me sane.

 

A lot of the time when it hurts it feels like a gutted fish. Like someone took a torso-sized razor sharp ice cream scoop and took a big ol' chunk out of me.

 

I am pretty good at keeping a straight face, never been much of a smiler. People can't really tell what I am thinking when I talk to them, or what I am saying and my expressions don't match. A couple of classmates wanted to copy my test notes and I said "That'll be five bucks". Just my normal facial expression... one of them reached into her purse the other was like "I don't have five dollars". I told them it was a joke and let them copy.

 

When I do smile it tends to look really feral... maybe I am thinking of eating you? They say "when Irish eyes are smiling..."

 

I think I read on LS somewhere that if you can get through divorce you can get through anything. Bleh. Sometimes this whole thing just makes me feel like kicking puppies.

 

I also realize that I am feeling like crap all over again cause I am PMS/period. At least this time there was no breaking down crying... yet. This might be a good sign of healing.

[willowthewisp]

I know how you feel with the lonliness, although I live with family, one member emotionally abuses me so I hide out in my room all the time. When my ex left, he went to a hotel for 3 nights, he came round to collect some clothes and sat on our bed on the verge of tears because he had to spend a few nights in a 9ft by 8ft room. I just spent the last two years in a room 9ft by 10 ft getting a law degree and now my professional practice exams. I spend all day, everyday, that I am not in class alone, I even eat in my room. The fact he complained like that and it was his choice just shows me what an a$$ he is.

 

Anyway, I get how you feel. In your previous post you asked if he was walking round looking at the clouds feeling like you do? I'm going to give it to you striaght, no, if he was he would be with you. When I realised that my ex never even thinks about me, I realised I am wasting my life feeling hurt without him around. I know it's easier said than done to switch of that pain, it's like an ache that comes over you, dreadful feeling, but I promise it does go away. I very rarely get that awful feeling now (2 years), I had it the other day whilst out shopping but it lasted about 10 secs and was gone.

[Duckduckgoose]

Ehh... feeling particularly lonely and moody the past couple days.

 

Yesterday I fought it by going out grocery shopping... it was raining like crazy outside and I hurry to my car, get in shut the door and kind of sit there for a minute... not really motivated feeling like bleh.

 

Then I see hot cop standing out in the rain adjusting all his guns and looking my way. That felt like an ego boost. By then I had started the car and revved it a bit to get his attentions.

 

Today is just bleh. I dreamed about stbxH last night and that he came back and we worked things out and were snuggling in the bed

 

I been bantering back and forth with mountain bike guy on Facebook... i like his intelligence and wit, but not his political views (really conservative where I am liberal), and he eats out at nice restaurants and takes nice trips, something I don't really get the privilege of doing... not before I got married, not during the marriage and definitely not now.

 

I did write intelligence, wit, and SIMILAR political views as must haves on my list of what I look for in a person to date/marry... I am also finding that I am not very spontaneous. I like to have my week planned out in advance... sometimes a couple weeks planned out in advance. A lot of people will give a day's notice or so for doing something.

 

I've just not been in the mood to talk to people, to be friendly or social today... I wasn't real talkative in my Sunday School class, I left afterwards... I didn't go out to lunch with the singles group cause I can't afford to very often and I just know I don't have a good attitude today... it's no ones fault but my own and I don't want to dump my bad attitude on others.

 

On top of feeling lonely and kind of worthless it seems I am "walking wounded". Hell if hot cop started hitting on me right now I wouldn't even muster a smile or flirt back that's the extent of bad mood.

[allenmj]

Hang in there DDG. I've been reading all your posts, and I can tell you'll be alright.

 

Wish I had some magical words to help you make the lonely go away, but all I can say is that theres a bunch of us here right with you, so for what it's worth, your not alone.