My story.

[Duckduckgoose]

Thank you, AllenMJ.

 

I /know/ I will be okay... but in the meantime I have so many questions. How long is it going to suck like this? How long is a bad day going to feel like a week? How long till I stop feeling lonely for no damn reason besides I woke up? How long till I find the person I am SUPPOSED to be with since this ******* split at the first sign of trouble?

 

How long till I can see couples in public and not feel gutted all over again? How long till I can stop looking at the damn ceiling so I don't have to see said couples? How long till my mind isn't process seeing people together as one of two things: a future divorce... or me feeling envious of their relationship?

 

I can't trust my ****ing emotions right now and I know that. And they are doing a number with me so bad. If I could take a bat to them and finish them off I would.

[Floridaman]

I been bantering back and forth with mountain bike guy on Facebook... i like his intelligence and wit, but not his political views (really conservative where I am liberal), and he eats out at nice restaurants and takes nice trips, something I don't really get the privilege of doing... not before I got married, not during the marriage and definitely not now.

 

I did write intelligence, wit, and SIMILAR political views as must haves on my list of what I look for in a person to date/marry... I am also finding that I am not very spontaneous. I like to have my week planned out in advance... sometimes a couple weeks planned out in advance. A lot of people will give a day's notice or so for doing something.

 

DuckDuck,

Don't let politics separate you from someone who might be a lifetime relationship.

Unless the other person starts ridiculing your or deliberately heatedly arguing with you about the issue.....

 

But then again, if you're really far apart on political things, it may not work out.

I once dated a woman who was compatible in terms of politics.

Made the mistake of speaking up at the dinner table when she and her parents started talking about how bad this other political group was.

 

Didn't make it personal and get into a heated argument. Merely said I feel otherwise.

She like SCREAMED at me afterward and told me to NEVER speak like that in front of her or her parents again.

I should have just walked away then and there...

 

Then I was stupid to bring her along to a lunch with a friend at the time who WORKED IN POLITICS... that's all he did... talk politics.

The two of them ended up agreeing on issues.....

All I could think of at the time was, why did I have to bring him here just so he could further show her how I wasn't like her politically.....

 

Come to think of it, politics may be a dealbreaker after all...

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah... politics isn't one of those things I will back down on. I might hold my tongue for a while... but I realized a long time ago that I am pretty set in how I feel about such things and any discussion would tailspin into an argument quickly.

 

In the worst case scenario that I would deal with it would have to be a agree to disagree kind of thing... but this guy is pretty vocal how he feels about it, and some of my lifestyle would be in direct conflict with that.

 

I think politics should be under "dealbreaker" unless they have a very very laid back attitude about their political views. I can be friends with someone who is politically opposite, I just won't bring up politics and will back down from any confrontation about it. But not a relationship... they would quickly see that fiery Irish side of me in such a discussion.

 

I've been told when I get mad it makes me seem to grow several times larger than I actually am. I don't yell, cuss, or threaten when I get like that either

[allenmj]

DDG,

 

You haven't given us an update in a while. How are you doing?

[Duckduckgoose]

Sorry... been stupid busy doing clinicals. Today was the last day. I have a 96 in my CNA class, and the final is tomorrow. Been doing 12 hour days with that stuff... its an accelerated class.

 

I been pretty good. The first day of clinicals was hard, mostly emotionally. The rest of the days were fine. Today there were wives feeding their husbands in the commons room of the nursing home we were working at. I didn't get a pang of sadness for me being lonely... I just felt a lot of compassion to the wives that faithfully stayed by their ailing and dying husbands.

 

God... there was one wife who was feeding and wiping her husband's nose, he had a stroke and was really bad off... I knew it had to kill her to be doing that but she was right there by his side even though she couldn't care for him anymore she didn't just divorce him and leave him to rot in a nursing home she was there every day helping him.

 

That is what love really is. Its not a fleeting feeling... those women took their vows seriously and it really heartened me as much as it hurt me to see them doing it.

 

There was one old man I really liked. He always had an angry glare, and when I had to care for him he was nasty about us cleaning him and getting him ready. But you know what? He didn't throw food at me and ate all his food for me the 3 times I fed him. The other students got ignored or rebuffed by him but I kept talking and being nice to him. When it was time to say goodbye to everyone I only said goodbye to him. I said I knew he didn't like me but I was thankful he ate all his food for me and let me dress him and didn't throw anything at me. He smiled at me... then started giving me the stank eye again

 

I know I won't be able to work in long term care. I was getting really attatched to the people there, even the one in ISO (isolation) that I was responsible for his food tray. No one wanted to talk to him or help him much but I did and he was really smart and with it. I am going to apply at the hospitals around here, or maybe some rehab places. It breaks my heart too bad to see people get dumped off at a nursing home with no visitors and they just die there without their family to comfort them

 

A hospital will also have more opportunity for advancement.

 

As for the situation with my stbxH not much is going on. I got too curious and unblocked his FB just to see what was going on... nothing. He hasn't updated his website where he writes or anything. He used to call me his muse for writing. He said that with me around he could actually sit down and write. That might very well be true. He had a lot of people following his writing (and they are commenting on his site how they wish he would update or let them know what is going on at least) and he was going to begin work on his novel soon... I still hope he does... he's a good writer with a lot of good ideas... he used to bounce them off of me and I would help him sort the good ones from the trash.

 

I don't meet with my lawyer till March 25th though, for her to read over the papers and send them back to his lawyer with any corrections that need to be made. Like I said before though, stbX left the state cause he was convinced that I was going to find him and "get" him.

 

That's fine by me:)

 

I been talking a lot with mountain bike guy and even though I am not physically attracted to him I am finding it really hard not to like him. But when I try to delve deeper into why I feel that way its like I hit this mess of emotions that I haven't dealt with yet. Like I can only deal with a small bit of emotions at one time and the rest I just shut off.

 

I know I can't trust my emotions right now they are just confusing me. My logic is carrying me through the day and at night, or if I get some free moments I try to surface some emotions and work my way through them. Its not a passive act, this sort of healing... I have to think about it and work on it.

 

I don't have counselling again until next week. I will mention all the stuff I been thinking to her and how I am working through my emotions. Its not very easy and since I'm on a emo-rollercoaster upswing right now its sometimes hard to keep my head on my shoulders. I will admit that these highs right now are sky high... haven't felt like this in a long time. Of course when the rollercoaster lows hit they suck super hard. I am not on drugs or anything, its tied to my normal hormones as a female but its like I am getting a shot of super-endorphins with it too.

[Duckduckgoose]

So I was really curious and did some internet snooping on the forums my stbxH frequents and found a recent post on one of the places he stops at:

 

Not too much in the mood to pontificate, so I'll get to the meat of bone.

 

Dec. 12, sought a divorce from my wife of 2 years, though together for close to five.

 

Dec. 30, got in a car wreck and my truck was totalled.

 

Jan. ??, can't remember, my grandmother lost her battle with cancer after it came back from remission.

 

And, I've started smoking again. So...>.> Life has officially sucked, but I've had good friends helping me through, and I've moved away from where the wife lives for now. Happy where I am at and in transition to get a new place of my own. The divorce is dragging, even though we have settled our matters outside the courts. Just waiting on her lawyer to review the papers so I it can be official. Not seeing anyone, not even really looking. Even though I wanted it, it doesn't make it any easier...

 

My writing life has become extinct right now because of my move and subsequent emotional state. Hell, I can't even be bothered to read a friend's work he's been wanting me to beta for him. Them's the breaks I guess.

 

Even though through all this, I can actually say I happier now than I was in the marriage. (Go figure I guess.) Things are settling finally, but I'm getting antsy to get an apartment of my own. been living with friends for the past few months. (God bless them.)

 

Looks like I did type alot. Oh well. Hope everything is going well with everyone here.

 

BTW, he got the dates wrong for just about everything he put on here. Just saying.

 

This has been bothering me since I found it... I don't know why though. It doesn't really tell me anything I didn't know and I've been trying not to read into it too much.

 

For some reason it put me in a tailspin. I went out hiking with mountain bike guy on Sunday and it cleared my head a bit... but not enough I fear. I didn't tell my counselor I had been doing internet snooping

 

I really just need to go for a long walk by myself cause I am a bit stressed out. Also been thinking of moving to a different city because they need CNAs there really bad. Going to go and visit that city prolly this week. My best guy friend from HS and his wife and kid live there already so I will have a little bit of friends if I move there. I really like the city I live in though and the friends I have here. But if its meant for me to move I guess I will move.

[Floridaman]

I don't meet with my lawyer till March 25th though, for her to read over the papers and send them back to his lawyer with any corrections that need to be made. Like I said before though, stbX left the state cause he was convinced that I was going to find him and "get" him.

.

That's the same day - or next to the day - of my birthday.

I hit a year shy of 5-0.....

So hopefully my day will be more enjoyable than your's...

[Duckduckgoose]

I gotta do what I gotta do ya know. Its for the best, as tough as it is sometimes. I am going to hit a rollercoaster low soon it's been sinking since Saturday so tomorrow will be a good day to hit bottom so I can bounce up again.

[Floridaman]

BTW, he got the dates wrong for just about everything he put on here. Just saying.

 

This has been bothering me since I found it... I don't know why though. It doesn't really tell me anything I didn't know and I've been trying not to read into it too much.

 

For some reason it put me in a tailspin. I went out hiking with mountain bike guy on Sunday and it cleared my head a bit... but not enough I fear. I didn't tell my counselor I had been doing internet snooping .

Duck,

Don't let what he wrote get you down.

 

At least he didn't slam you or bad-mouth you, which as you've posted, he's done to his family (to justify his leaving and what he put you through).

I know you didn't want to read it (and I'm not on his side), but it seemed kind of tame compared to what some other STBX's might have said. When I started to read it, I feared he was gonna say some bad things. Just sayin'.

 

On the dates, he may have deliberately changed the days for anonymity.

I've changed a few details in my board postings, just in case someone figures out who I am. There are many boards, but this is the Internet, where it's all open to anyone.

 

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with "snooping..." within reason.

(I did some light snooping a couple of times after some women dumped me).

 

If he was on facebook, you might occaisionally look at what he's up to.

Just don't become obsessed over checking up on him. That can cause emotional harm.

 

So try to move on... as you're doing.. The move to another city sounds like a good step in moving forward.

[Duckduckgoose]

Its an option. Honestly I like the city I am in:

 

1. Because stbxH isn't here and as long as he knows I am here he will stay away hopefully

 

2. I have friends here

 

3. I like the church I go to and the layout of the city.

 

4. I really like the weather and topography (valleys AND mountains, plenty of things to keep my outdoorsy side busy)

 

5. This place has a little bit of everything I like from all the other places I have lived in.

 

However I don't have a job here

 

I am very sick of unemployment checks too. Moving to a different city (this one is larger) will have its benefits and drawbacks. One will be the bad traffic, another will be the violent crime rate. Its a bit high here, but its VERY high where I am contemplating moving. I do have two guns but I would still rather not be in a position to where I need to use them.

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah today was a bleh day. I'm not in the mood to talk to people, I just feel very emotional and disconnected. This is another rollercoaster low. I cried a bit today... went for a long walk on a greenway again. It only helped a little bit but it got me out of the apartment at least.

 

I applied for a few more CNA-type jobs too. I also been looking for GIS jobs as well. I am really sick of this rollercoaster and want off. I want to feel normal again... I want a job again, I want my life back... I want a boyfriend/husband again. I've been praying a lot, asking please help me find a good job I will move if I have to even if it hurts and I feel like I can't get anything done right... I've tried to do all the right things and they blow up in my face.

 

Like maybe I am not meant to have a decent life... I don't want a luxurious life... just a decent one where I can pay all my bills, live in a condo or have a house one day... have a husband that is a good man, loves me, and won't run away, and have some money saved in the bank. Not this living by the seat of my pants stressing when will I get a decent job, when will things start turning around for me. This blows all kinds of donkey dick.

 

It also might be that I need a lesson in patience. I know there is no magic button to press to make everything better... I wish there was though

[worldgonewrong]

{{{hugs}}}

[willowthewisp]

Yeah today was a bleh day. I'm not in the mood to talk to people, I just feel very emotional and disconnected. This is another rollercoaster low. I cried a bit today... went for a long walk on a greenway again. It only helped a little bit but it got me out of the apartment at least.

 

I applied for a few more CNA-type jobs too. I also been looking for GIS jobs as well. I am really sick of this rollercoaster and want off. I want to feel normal again... I want a job again, I want my life back... I want a boyfriend/husband again. I've been praying a lot, asking please help me find a good job I will move if I have to even if it hurts and I feel like I can't get anything done right... I've tried to do all the right things and they blow up in my face.

 

Like maybe I am not meant to have a decent life... I don't want a luxurious life... just a decent one where I can pay all my bills, live in a condo or have a house one day... have a husband that is a good man, loves me, and won't run away, and have some money saved in the bank. Not this living by the seat of my pants stressing when will I get a decent job, when will things start turning around for me. This blows all kinds of donkey dick.

 

It also might be that I need a lesson in patience. I know there is no magic button to press to make everything better... I wish there was though

 

Right there with you, killing myself with 16 hour days and living with an emotional abuser, not even privacy, it's violated on purpose as way to control me.

 

It will get better for both of us.....it has to.

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah things will eventually get better.

 

I been picking through bits of emotions when I get the chance and though I am a long ways off from being "me" again I did come to a strange conclusion.

 

I don't want to be touched by a male right now.

 

This sounds so strange. Like the old men I was caring for during clinicals that was fine it didn't bother me it was in nursing setting. If a nurse or a friend touches me on the arm or something I am cool.

 

But if a man was to put his arm around me or something, like a boyfriend trying to touch me affectionately I would probably cringe. This happened a little bit with my stbxH when we first started dating cause I didn't want to get used to enjoying his company cause I thought he would leave.

 

He was very persistent and I grew to very much enjoy being touched all over

 

Maybe I am regressing back to that original behaviour because I didn't work through it on my own before I met him? I really noticed it with Mountain bike guy. Except for when we had to be really close, like loading the bikes or in the same car I would be hard pressed to get closer than 3 or 4 feet to him. And the times we did touch from loading the bikes I had to file it under "functional" touch like what I do with the patients... not happy touch like affections.

 

I know this bears a lot more thinking on. I need to figure out why this is messing with me... why I do not want to be touched and keep a space bubble between myself and males. Females not so much or gay guys. Maybe its because I don't perceive them as a potential romantic partner and therefore do not feel threated by them?

[Floridaman]

Like maybe I am not meant to have a decent life... I don't want a luxurious life... just a decent one where I can pay all my bills, live in a condo or have a house one day... have a husband that is a good man, loves me, and won't run away, and have some money saved in the bank. Not this living by the seat of my pants stressing when will I get a decent job, when will things start turning around for me. This blows all kinds of donkey dick.

 

It also might be that I need a lesson in patience. I know there is no magic button to press to make everything better... I wish there was though

You'll get there. No need to think pessimistically. You're just in a bad patch now, Duck.

 

Look what all you have accomplished in your life and career. There's no rational reason to think you will end up a failure and penniless.

 

I don't want to be touched by a male right now.

 

This sounds so strange. Like the old men I was caring for during clinicals that was fine it didn't bother me it was in nursing setting. If a nurse or a friend touches me on the arm or something I am cool.

 

But if a man was to put his arm around me or something, like a boyfriend trying to touch me affectionately I would probably cringe. This happened a little bit with my stbxH when we first started dating cause I didn't want to get used to enjoying his company cause I thought he would leave.

...

I know this bears a lot more thinking on. I need to figure out why this is messing with me... why I do not want to be touched and keep a space bubble between myself and males. Females not so much or gay guys. Maybe its because I don't perceive them as a potential romantic partner and therefore do not feel threated by them?

Touching, hugging, etc., is a normal part of life.

 

My dad's wife last summer was hugging others as our group left, but didn't hug me. I said, "Hey, you forgot me."

She said, "Fla. Man, I didn't think you liked being hugged?"

 

I answered, "I do now..."

 

So even if you think you don't need some kind of touch, you really do.

 

I think you'll get over this phase and welcome touch by others, on all kinds of levels (parents, friends, ettc.)

[Duckduckgoose]

Well tomorrow is the day that I take the D papers to my lawyer for review.

 

I don't know if it is even worth it to try and get half the rent till the lease is up from stbxH. It will probably cost me more in laywer fees then I would recoup in lost rent.

 

This week has been a crappy ass week like I thought it would be. I cried for a few hours today, I cried yesterday and the day before. My eyes are dry and burning.

 

I went to the city I was thinking about visiting and applied for some hospital jobs there and went to their HUGE GINORMOUS MALL... did I mention big big mall? They had a Godiva store there and I bought 6 pieces of chocolate... and got 2 raspberry truffles free. So 8 pieces of Godiva chocolate!! NOM NOM!

 

I also went ahead and signed up for the RN program at one of the Community Colleges around here. If nothing else I will work a couple PT jobs while I get my RN. It won't be that hard I will only be going to class maybe 6 hours a week I will just work in evenings. I am too smart to not be doing anything I have a lot to offer as an RN, more so than just as a CNA. I also got a call about a PT courier job and a PT home health aide job today. That is good it means I will have two PT jobs.

 

But yeah... the past week has sucked in terms of emotions. My eyes are very swollen from the crying, and today it felt like anything would set me off crying again.

 

I am not sad to be getting stbxH out of my life, I am sad to be signing the divorce papers since I put so much of my heart, soul, emotions, energy, and spirit into the marriage trying to be a good wife.... not perfect but no one is perfect. One thing my counselor hasn't been that good with is the emotions I've been dealing with during divorce. She seems to /know/ what to say, but as she's never been divorced (married like 35 years), it doesn't seem to me like she can relate to the gamut of **** that divorce drags you through.

 

DivorceCare helps me some... but typing it out here helps the most. I don't think my counselor would object to me typing it here either as she told me to write down what I am feeling, and DivorceCare recommends the same thing... they called it a faucet to let your feelings flow though.

 

I am very thankful for LS, because here I can pretty much anonymously type out what I am feeling especially because I don't want to really discuss this in detail with anyone in person. I kind of like to "keep it together" so to speak, not walk around looking like a kicked puppy even though I feel like one at the moment.

 

I've been playing the song "Help is on the Way" by Rise Against a lot lately. It seems to soothe me... I heard it on the alarm radio in my hotel room on Monday morning. Thankfully I got the hotel for free because my father has a butt****ton of Hilton Reward points and has at least a week of free hotel rooms. I took a few towels for the tarantula my friend gave me and about half the single serving PBs from the breakfast thing. Single Serving PB is the shiznit!

 

I am going to have one hellacious headache tomorrow from the crying I did today... I just hope I keep it together in my lawyer's office. I am not paying to squall like a baby in there I am paying to get these damned papers read, review, possibly sent back for revision.

[Duckduckgoose]

Well I met with my lawyer today and signed the divorce papers. She said I most likely would not be able to recoup the costs of half the rent from him or anything... she said they were "vanilla" divorce papers. So I signed them. A couple other pieces of paper were missing though, and they are not going to send them back to stbxH's attorney until those two are retrieved.

 

It was a statement from the plaintiff (or something like that) and another bit. Neither were in what was sent to me.

 

I ****ing cried for 30 mins in the lawyer office in the waiting room, snotted all over my hoodie, and managed to get it together before I met with my lawyer... then when we started going over the papers I ****ing started crying again for about 10 mins.

 

My eyeballs feel desiccated. They are starting to look a bit desiccated too.

 

I also took my wedding ring to the nearest large river and chucked it right in, filmed it too. It wasn't gold/silver/platinum or anything, it was tungsten carbide so I couldn't have melted it down and sold it for weight. The engagement ring is a 14kt white gold custom celtic knotwork ring with a nice natural star sapphire in the middle... that bitch is the one I'm selling.

 

So I guess in 30 days or so I will get my divorce certificate in the mail. Whoopee

[BlindRage]

Hi Duck ,

 

I just wanted to tell you that you are doing great and this is a huge step to get yourself back. I'm glad that you are getting all the paper work processed and which will help in your healing .

[Duckduckgoose]

Thank you. I am still mostly typing this to get all the emotions drained off like a faucet. Any feedback is welcome but I am trying to just do the right thing.

 

The day before I signed the papers (stbxH already signed them I just couldn't get to my lawyer till yesterday) I went for a walk on a greenway and was trying to sort out why I was feeling like ****. A kind of grief hit me that I was getting used to by then... but this one went really deep and sort of broke something in me. I don't know what it was that broke I just know that I better figure out what it was.

 

Right now to keep from balling like a baby I have stuffed all my emotions again. I just want to go out and get some errands run but it's like I don't have the emotional energy to do even that. How ****ing emotionally hard is it to pick out a can of tomato soup for dinner really?

 

After I "broke" on Thursday I went to rapier practice, not to fence but just to watch others fence I just didn't want to be alone in my apartment. I don't want to be alone period I like being around people

 

I guess I will try to get errands done now before it starts raining again down here

[Duckduckgoose]

Well I got an called for an interview with a Geospatial job today... a local company so I wouldn't have to move and they pay more than slavery wages.

 

I would have to take the nighttime RN classes with the CC I signed up with but at least I would be able to afford my apartment and the place is so close by I could walk or ride my bike from where I live.

 

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this pans out. I will do some more GIS work to hold me over till I can get RN stuffs done. It might not be easy but we were not given a piece of paper at birth saying "free easy ride till you die have funs".

 

As much as I hate to do this Imma have to call my mom for fashion advice to look sharp for this interview. Thankfully my sunburn is peeling and should be gone by interview next week.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am going to go ahead and stop posting in this thread and create my own thread in the "coping" section. I am doing so because I've signed the papers and now just "coping"

 

I thank everyone who has followed this and who has given advice.

[Floridaman]

Hi Duck ,

 

I just wanted to tell you that you are doing great and this is a huge step to get yourself back. I'm glad that you are getting all the paper work processed and which will help in your healing .

+ me!

I am going to go ahead and stop posting in this thread and create my own thread in the "coping" section. I am doing so because I've signed the papers and now just "coping"

 

I thank everyone who has followed this and who has given advice.

Please provide a link when you start that thread, Duck.

[Duckduckgoose]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271322/

 

Done Floridaman

 

Now time to see if I can brave the bad weather and go for a walk

I really need to go get some nice interview clothes for next Friday.

[willowthewisp]

Duck you are more than welcome to continue to post here if you want, there are many of us here that stayed here after D day (although technically there wasn't one for me, but you get what I mean) because the people here tend to have been in long term relationships and are coping with the loss of that. Feel free to come back if you wnat to and I for one will definately come over to the coping board to "see" you. By the way you make me smile! I have visions of you resisting your chocolates!

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll dig up your thread in the new section but I am sure no one will get touchy about you continuing here:)