lying straight to my face

[anc20]

So, me and my boyfriend have had a bit of a rough patch the past couple of weeks and are finally getting back to normal. today when i came home he picked me up, spun me around, kissed me, asked me how my day was, we cuddled, laughed and played for like an hour. i was so happy. THEN, his phone went off and he said that he was going to go chill with his friend for a little while at his house and wouldnt be out late. (his friends are all here on break from college so hes been spending more time than usual with friends but im being super laid back about it) also, everytime that he has said hes with this particular friend, i later find out he wasnt, so i was very hesitant but we have been working on trust so i said that i trusted him and to have a good time. we kept in contact a little and he told me he would be out later than he planned. well he gets home around 2 am, and what do you know! he forgot to take off his wristband from a local club! i asked him about it and freaked out but hes too drunk to actaully have a conversation. i really dont know what to do, i have just slowly started to move all my stuff back in but how can i live with him if hes going to lie straight to my face even when we are happy.

[homebrew]

So, me and my boyfriend have had a bit of a rough patch the past couple of weeks and are finally getting back to normal. today when i came home he picked me up, spun me around, kissed me, asked me how my day was, we cuddled, laughed and played for like an hour. i was so happy. THEN, his phone went off and he said that he was going to go chill with his friend for a little while at his house and wouldnt be out late. (his friends are all here on break from college so hes been spending more time than usual with friends but im being super laid back about it) also, everytime that he has said hes with this particular friend, i later find out he wasnt, so i was very hesitant but we have been working on trust so i said that i trusted him and to have a good time. we kept in contact a little and he told me he would be out later than he planned. well he gets home around 2 am, and what do you know! he forgot to take off his wristband from a local club! i asked him about it and freaked out but hes too drunk to actaully have a conversation. i really dont know what to do, i have just slowly started to move all my stuff back in but how can i live with him if hes going to lie straight to my face even when we are happy.

 

You both sound young... How old are both of you?

 

Sounds to me like G.I.G.S.!

 

Click on the link in my signature below to learn more.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news... but your man is already in the process of breaking up with you. He is "laying the foundation"... I would be surprised if he doesn't do it VERY SOON!

 

He is young and wants to go play and be free... You should set him free to do so.

 

Also... NEVER, EVER BE WITH SOMEONE THAT LIES TO YOU... I get "white" lies... but saying they are going to a friends but going to a club instead is just WRONG! That is BREAK UP ON THE SPOT TYPE STUFF!

 

Let us know what other questions you have... and let us know what happens after you two talk...

[anc20]

yes, we young, im 20 and hes 19, however we have been together for 8 years, practically our entire lives thus far, and i know he wants to break up with me, or atleast he did two week ago, when he did, but since we have been together so long and we live together we have no idea how to be with out eachtoher, its very scary to think of us apart even though i know its the best thing but idk what to do when we are trying to be apart and hes blowing up my phone all the time and begging me to come back, when hes the one that really needs the break up. SO CONFUSING!.

 

ps. if you get time, read my other post, it explains our relationship and emotional needs for eachother.

[homebrew]

I will read your post...

 

Listen... Once he gets his situation set up... He is going to drop you like a ROCK!

 

There will be another girl and he will disappear... He will not text, call, email... nothing! Unless he wants someone from you...

 

I know you think he will not fall of the face of the earth because he "needs" you but trust me... He is about to do what you do not think is possible!

 

You will be ALL on your own... So YOU need to start taking steps now!

 

Do you have any girlfriends? If so how close are they?

 

How is your family? Are you close with them?

 

Do you have a job? are you in school?

 

I would love for more of the ladies on here to help you out... They are better equipped to help you in your situation than I am.

 

They will be responding shortly with some good ideas / thoughts on what to do...

 

I put a link to your story below:

 

anc20's Story

[PowerOfOne]

Welcome to the adult world.

 

8 years is along time. Especially when you're so young. It doesn't sounds like you have the most open relationship. If he told you he was going out to hang with some friends at a club would that have been a problem for you? Perhaps that's why he was cagey about it.

 

At your age i'm going to give you a peice of advice i've learnt the hard way. TALK! It sounds like you are both bottling a lot of stuff up. Probably out of fear that by talking you are going to realise that it's over. That's a scary though no doubt. You've relied on each other for so long. Which is why i say welcome to the adult world. You both need to find who you are. Since pre-puberty you've been an 'us'. You've got a world of opportunity in front of you. Go out and take it. All the best.

[homebrew]

Anc20,

 

I read your story... Thank you for sharing!!!!!

 

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

 

A MAN does not have to cheat on a women EVER! I am 38 and I have NEVER cheated on a women... None of my male friends have either.

 

No man should EVER lay his hands on a women!

 

But enough about your BF... Let's worry about you from now on...

 

You are going to be okay... You are looking for help and want the all the madness to end... THAT'S A GREAT FIRST STEP!!!!!

 

I believe in you! Wait till you see all the women who jump into this thread and help you out! You are going to have a lot of good people to rely on and help you through this.

[anc20]

wow thanks, I really appreciate the support!

well I hate telling my family anything anymore because they are against us living together and think that im paying for my sins by it not working out. but we works for my grandmother at the navy base so he has a good job,but its all through me. and no, since weve been together so long and we have had so many on and off periods, i only have one friend who still will listen to me..

I do attend a local college but am only a sofomore. and I dont realllyyy have a real job, but i nanny for his aunt and make decent money.

Im just lost because we have never since we were 12 spent more than 3 days apart or without talking. and today, he even took me into Zales to window shop for engagement rings. but the whole time he knew he was lying about where he has leaving to go when we got home. I dont know if its relavant but his dad was the EXACT same way with him mom his entire life. he has always been scared of becoming him, and now he officially has.

[PowerOfOne]

Do not, i repeat do NOT accept an engagement. It will only end in disaster! I went back and read you're other post and i'm sorry to say, this guy is a jerk. I don't care if he's only 19, you don't cheat or become violent with your partner. Period. Unforgivable.

 

If you stay with him you're going to be one of the domestic abuse victims you watch in disbelief make excuses for why they have a black eye. All this while he's banging the chick in the trailer next door.

 

Getting out is going to be tough. It is. But in years to come you'll be so glad you did! Be strong.

[homebrew]

You BF has you totally dependent on him... That is not healthy for you or him.

 

So if I was you I would see about making some new friends and getting a job (where you could make new friends and a fun place to work).

 

I assume you could move back home again correct?

 

You said the two of you have different values and beliefs correct?

 

Do you attend church? Are you religious?

[anc20]

I cannot move back home, id rather live with him fighting every day than live there again, hah. but um, i used to go to church but havent lately. I really do want to go get a job, but i feel like i would have to really know we are done bc id have to work nights somewhere and thats our only time together right now. and i feel like i wont know "really done" when it hits me in the face because like ive said we have been down this road soooo many times. I just am not sure if its going to be really over or just a break when it does happen...

[homebrew]

Well it is over... It just has not happened yet.

 

He does not respect you or love you... If he did, he would not cheat, lie and put his hands on you.

 

That is not love...

 

I don't know what else I can say... I will let the ladies help you out at this point.

 

I want you to be with someone that you feel save with, secure, that adores you, that only wants the best for you, someone that you can trust, that believes in you, the will cherish you...

[anc20]

thats what i want too. thanks so much for all your advice, and it really helps to hear it from a real live man himself. haha, anyways thanks again.

[Leandro]

Well it is over... It just has not happened yet.

 

He does not respect you or love you... If he did, he would not cheat, lie and put his hands on you.

 

That is not love...

This is so true. No "buts" about it.

 

I want you to be with someone that you feel save with, secure, that adores you, that only wants the best for you, someone that you can trust, that believes in you, the will cherish you...

And it's clear that your BF doesn't do any of that. . But you'll find someone better, anc20.

[homebrew]

thats what i want too. thanks so much for all your advice, and it really helps to hear it from a real live man himself. haha, anyways thanks again.

 

I am a real live man... A VERY GOOD LOOKING AND SUCCESSFUL ONE TOO... Who knows how to treat a women and wants her to always be a princess!

 

There are MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of other men out there like me... If you read through the other posts... You will "see" that all the men on here are complete opposites of your BF.

 

We are all looking for a sweet girl like you... but you would rather be with a jerk... So that is why we are on here... waiting for girls like you to figure out that bad men suck and Good Guys Rule!

 

How long are you going to make guys like me, PowerOfOne and Leandro wait for someone like you?

[Leandro]

 

There are MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of other men out there like me... If you read through the other posts... You will "see" that all the men on here are complete opposites of your BF.

 

We are all looking for a sweet girl like you... but you would rather be with a jerk... So that is why we are on here... waiting for girls like you to figure out that bad men suck and Good Guys Rule!

 

We (class) talked about this in Philosophy. Most of the girls were in their late teens, earlier 20s. They said that they prefer jerks over nice guys because they want to "fix" them up. It's like a challenge to them. That causes today's young guys to become jerks believing that they will get a girl too. So the Good Guys will be rare later in life.

[anc20]

I think that is very true. everyone wants to feel needed. if we get a guy that needs to be fixed, it in a wierd way boosts our ego; and i think feeds into our "maternalism" as women. my BF, until very recently, needed me to wake up in the morning before him, pick out his clothes, wake him up, go through a checklist before he went out the door, made sure he did is homework, etc. & honestly, I LOVED IT. but now, hes "growing up" and doesnt need me like that any more and now has a better job than i do and is making more money (but i am a full time student and he is not) but either way our roles are changing now and i think that a HUGE part of why we are having such bad issues right now. i did read the grass is greener on the other side syndrome and i think it is soo dead on, exactly right.

[homebrew]

anc20... You have no idea what NORMAL is... when it comes to love and relationships.

 

You have so much to learn...

 

I really do hope for you sake that you spend A LOT of your free time on here... You will learn a great deal, grow, expect and want more for yourself in the matters of the heart, etc.

 

To have overcome all the bad things you have experienced growing up... to now be able to put yourself through school is nothing short of miraculousness!

 

Only thing I see... is you need to get this whole screwed up way of thinking fixed when it comes to boys!

[PowerOfOne]

At 19 with only a high school education i'm guessing... he won't have a better job then you for long if you stick to school.

 

I think I'd freak a little if my gf got up before me everyday to get my brekkie, my clothes etc. Why would I want a 'partner' to do that?

[Leandro]

my BF, until very recently, needed me to wake up in the morning before him, pick out his clothes, wake him up, go through a checklist before he went out the door, made sure he did is homework, etc. & honestly, I LOVED IT.

Sounds like he needed a mother. Now that he's growing up he want's a GF he is different in a way. Hard to explain I guess. You're like his mother now. He doesn't need that anymore. That's what it looks like to me.

 

That's good that your a full time student! Make some friends at the school!

[anc20]

wow, I didnt realize im that far off. ha. I guess i do need to read through a lot because I have never really ever been around a relationship as you guys have been describing, everyone in my family, and my bfs family is divorced or treats eachother like crap, so i suppose i dont know any different..

[Leandro]

 

I think I'd freak a little if my gf got up before me everyday to get my brekkie, my clothes etc. Why would I want a 'partner' to do that?

For real. I rather cuddle with my partner. Plus, all that stuff is not her responsibility.

[Leandro]

wow, I didnt realize im that far off. ha. I guess i do need to read through a lot because I have never really ever been around a relationship as you guys have been describing, everyone in my family, and my bfs family is divorced or treats eachother like crap, so i suppose i dont know any different..

Oh no. We still have a lot to learn. Big life ahead of us.

 

You'll find a good guy who won't put a hand on you or cheat on you and all the other bad stuff.

[homebrew]

Yes.... Read, Read and Read!

 

But also apply what you learn to your life!

[anc20]

well, theres my other problem, finding someone else.

ok, im not going to lie, i have kept some options open while ive been in this relationship-never cheated but you know what i mean.

but heres the problem-(this should probably be a whole nother thread)

i am in no way trying to sound full of myself of conceited, but i am a young girl and i have thin petite figure, with abnormally huge breasts, and long blonde hair. it is also known around that my dad is a millionair.(we have little no relationship and frankly im discusted by greed) but i am automatically judged anywhere i go and any guy i ever have given a chance, within the first hour of conversation they are either trying to have sex or talking about my dads money. every single time. idk how to attract different kinds of people..

[PowerOfOne]

Well it sounds like you'll be as single for as long as you want to be!

 

Start getting into different circles of friends. Clearly the places you're meeting guys at the moment is only attracting a particular kind. School is a good place to start. You're surrounded by people who are there for the same reason. To improve themselves.

 

Don't stress about having to meet someone the minute you get out of a relationship. You've never been single! Live that life for a while because it has some very positive aspects. You get to learn a lot about yourself and what makes you tick.

 

As for attracting genuine guys. My only tip would be to act and dress accordingly. Only deadbeats go chasing the girl with a super short skirt and very low cut tops. Those girls just scream high maintenance and cheap. I'm not saying you're anything like that!! Just using an example.

 

Genuine good guys come by all the time. Often they just aren't the most obvious guy in the room.