lying straight to my face

[anc20]

good tips, thanks!

[soleharmony1123]

Anc20, it's very relevant. What we learn at home we take out into the world. If a young man sees violence at home and has watched his Mother be mistreated by his Father and she never took definitive action by leaving or becoming a "different woman" with her husband, then guess what? That's all that young man will know. Sadly enough, he will conclude that's how women want/like to be treated.

 

Homebrew made an important point: there are so many eligible, loving caring and devoted young men out there who would consider you a gem and would love the opportunity to get to know you and treat you well - the way a lady should be treated.

 

You're in school - you have a bright future ahead. You need to live life a little; experience things other than being tied down in a relationship where you've been someone's maid/secretary/alarm clock. (Wow, how romantic) Especially a relationship where you are not being valued, respected and given the love you deserve. You're blocking your opportunities for an exciting life by being with a cheater. He won't change until YOU change.

 

I understand how you feel attached to him because you've never been more than 3 days apart or without talking. I am going through a breakup with a man that I've known pretty much since we stepped out of our play pens. I'm 45 years old and it's very difficult for me to break away from the attachment I had with my ex - for over 2 decades. He was my best friend for over 25 years! But I'm doing it with NC - something I recommend you continue to read about and research. You might want to start with a book called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. It's a book geared toward women like you and me who like fixing people. That need/desire that drives us to go looking for a man to fix or stay with a man who "needs fixing" is because of something in our past that we are trying to rectify or gain...whether it's the love of an unapproving parent or something else deeper.

 

It's great to feel close to someone, but when that person lies to you, cheats on you - well, there's some a problem - it's well beyond taking you for granted.

 

I've rambled enough. I'll post a bit more later. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk.

 

-Sole

 

 

wow thanks, I really appreciate the support!

well I hate telling my family anything anymore because they are against us living together and think that im paying for my sins by it not working out. but we works for my grandmother at the navy base so he has a good job,but its all through me. and no, since weve been together so long and we have had so many on and off periods, i only have one friend who still will listen to me..

I do attend a local college but am only a sofomore. and I dont realllyyy have a real job, but i nanny for his aunt and make decent money.

Im just lost because we have never since we were 12 spent more than 3 days apart or without talking. and today, he even took me into Zales to window shop for engagement rings. but the whole time he knew he was lying about where he has leaving to go when we got home. I dont know if its relavant but his dad was the EXACT same way with him mom his entire life. he has always been scared of becoming him, and now he officially has.

[soleharmony1123]

Homebrew is right, Anc.

 

The relationship you've had with this guy is not normal - it's dysfunctional, unhealthy. It's the kind of relationship that can age you beyond your years. Do you want to be 22 or 23 and look 30 or 40 because you're stuck in a cycle of domestic violence with a man coming home to you after cheating with other women?

 

I know you're much smarter than that.

 

-Sole

 

 

anc20... You have no idea what NORMAL is... when it comes to love and relationships.

 

You have so much to learn...

 

I really do hope for you sake that you spend A LOT of your free time on here... You will learn a great deal, grow, expect and want more for yourself in the matters of the heart, etc.

 

To have overcome all the bad things you have experienced growing up... to now be able to put yourself through school is nothing short of miraculousness!

 

Only thing I see... is you need to get this whole screwed up way of thinking fixed when it comes to boys!

[Leandro]

anc20, you're going to find some good guys at college. There will still be the jerks because they're just there for the girls. A bunch of non-college students sit in our student center all day, just to hang out and make moves on girls. Pisses me off.

 

Maybe you should just be single and enjoy college on your own. I'm sure you'll be invited to parties. You'll be fine.

[Graceful]

anc,

 

You've been on your own and living a lifestyle that has robbed you of being able to grow on your own and figure out who you are. It sounds like you are really identifying your need to get away from your BF and that you know you are very co-dependent on him, and he on you.

 

Co-dependence is really what it sounds like. You depend on each other, but not in a healthy way. It's almost like you depend on each other too much, to the extent you don't know how to depend on yourself.

 

And in this way, your decisions and visions are very clouded. I took your "story" post and pasted it here so I could try to address some of what I saw in your story.

Hope that's ok.

 

I am 20 years old and have been dating the same guy since we were twelve. i do think it is important to give a few details, however. when we met back in seventh grade, i had just found out that my grandfather (the only man in my life, no father) had done some pretty bad things to me in my sleep, and got caught by my uncle and was sent to prison. John, my boyfriend, was going through his parents very hard and voilent divorce. I feel like since we met under such circumstances that many people who dont know those details do not understand why we are still together. anyways, ever since we met we were inseperable, to this day we have not spent more than 5 days apart.

Now anc, I can really see how your history with this guy is so important, so thank you for sharing it. But this only highlights how co-dependent you are on each other. When you get into this type of symbiosis, you don't even know who you are.

 

I am thinking that you really don't have a sense of your own identity because you and your BF have been so tightly bound, but not in a healthy way. You were supposed to be growing up like a kid does at age 12, not dating a guy who was taking over your life and controlling it. Do you see what I mean? I am sure you did not think of it that way, but that was what happened.

 

He had a violent home life, and you had a family member that went to jail for basically molesting you, which is pretty traumatic stuff. So the fact you two clung to each other and stayed together, well, that's not really such a good thing.

 

HOWEVER. we are no where near perfect. i cannot count the times that he has cheated, and im not saying im perfect either. we scream and fight with eachother often, and he has gotten violent with me one drunken night. we are completely different people with completely different lifestyles, morals, values, personalities, and ideas of the future. you would think that with all that mess between us we wouldnt have lasted, but we have. it is going on eight years now. But i am starting to really question everything. the issue is that i dont feel like i can blame him for cheating because can you really expect anyone to be with ONE person from the time they are 12 to 20??

Ok, so you know this is unhealthy, see?

And you're right, a young guy and a young girl who are "playing house" are going to fight and have problems b/c they are too young and have never developed coping and communication skills to have a mature relationship.

So I don't mean to offend you, but that's why it's like you're playing house, not really having a mature relationship.

 

And you even want to excuse him for cheating?! I mean, no anc, there is no excuse for that. And it's not safe for you, either. Do you see that?

 

i mean we met and dated the entire time you are supposed to be dating around and finding out what you like and dont like. but now we have kind of grown into one person in a way, like im not exactly sure who i am without and him and vice versa.

You are saying this yourself. You are SPOT ON. This is symbiosis. It's exactly what you have described. You're like one person. You don't know who you are alone. You already know this is very very unhealthy. You know it.

 

I give you a world of credit for coming forward and admitting it.

 

also, which i should probably make a seperate threat for this, but he has a lock on his phone that he refuses to take off. I have his phone records and he and i both know that even though we dont talk about it. i know he hasnt been talking to anyone but i feel like that is besides the point, i feel like he should be an open book like i am with him in order to have a good relationship and we connot come to a compromise. i am just a mess right now and have really rambled way too much! im so sorry.but please, if you managed to read this whole thing, give me some advice!

Yes, you are right. He should be an open book. But he isn't. He lies and he goes behind your back. He has another life that he doesn't want you to know about. And it is stressing you out, isn't it?

 

You have asked for advice, and I am going to give you some, and it is for your own good that I am saying this.

 

If you have a health care provider, you need to call and get an appointment with a therapist so you can begin to talk all of this through with a professional. Start by just calling your main doctor's office and they will tell you what to do about finding a therapist.

 

You need to break away from your BF and you need to develop the skills to handle being on your own and getting your life in order. Your ex is a very toxic man and while I am sure he does not do it intentionally, he is hurting you and what he is doing is going to screw you up well into adulthood if you do not get away from him.

 

This is going to hurt. No doubt about it. But you have to make a start at finding your own identity and your own LIFE. Even people who marry and stay married for 50 years have their own identities!! My parents were married very happily, and my Mum had her own friends and so did my Dad. They did not even go everywhere together. But if my Dad went out, my Mum did not worry that he was cheating on her! They had trust. That's what you need, too.

 

And you should not even be thinking about finding another guy, anc.

 

i am automatically judged anywhere i go and any guy i ever have given a chance, within the first hour of conversation they are either trying to have sex or talking about my dads money. every single time. idk how to attract different kinds of people..

If someone spoke to me like all he wanted was sex from me, I would walk. You don't even talk to men like that, you know what I mean? I don't care how cute you are, you deserve more than that. And this is just part of what you need to learn after you break away from your BF. You need to learn a whole new way of living, and of thinking about yourself.

 

If you are in a student in college, you should be making friends there, not short-changing yourself by staying in an abusive relationship with your BF. I know you were happy with him (off and on) because you felt needed, but that is also part of the co-dependent cycle. I think if you see a therapist, you will get some good ideas of books to read, like the other members of this forum here have already suggested.

 

anc, I can't say this strongly enough. please get into therapy. It also looks like you just moved back in with your BF and no matter how hard this is, you need to move back out. Your BF acts the only way he knows how, and it has not been your fault, but you have been trying to fix him for a long time, and you now have to fix yourself.

Stay on the LS board and keep posting and keep us updated, okay??

[delajoonal]

So, me and my boyfriend have had a bit of a rough patch the past couple of weeks and are finally getting back to normal. today when i came home he picked me up, spun me around, kissed me, asked me how my day was, we cuddled, laughed and played for like an hour. i was so happy. THEN, his phone went off and he said that he was going to go chill with his friend for a little while at his house and wouldnt be out late. (his friends are all here on break from college so hes been spending more time than usual with friends but im being super laid back about it) also, everytime that he has said hes with this particular friend, i later find out he wasnt, so i was very hesitant but we have been working on trust so i said that i trusted him and to have a good time. we kept in contact a little and he told me he would be out later than he planned. well he gets home around 2 am, and what do you know! he forgot to take off his wristband from a local club! i asked him about it and freaked out but hes too drunk to actaully have a conversation. i really dont know what to do, i have just slowly started to move all my stuff back in but how can i live with him if hes going to lie straight to my face even when we are happy.

 

 

hi sweetie...

ok, i am gonna take some time to go back and read your full story...

but from THIS particular post...

 

i will say this..

 

when i was your age, i was with a man, i loved oh so much...

until he started doing drugs and eventually beat the crap out of me..

then, i found out i was pregnant.

 

i really tried to make IT work with him, for the baby on the way...

 

but the day of the wedding...i was a no show, i disappeared and stayed with family in another town, until i had the baby...which i kept btw...

 

this is my point.

 

at 20 y/o, i was SO in love and wanted my perfect little family..

but at some point, i realized, after he was still beating me while i was pregnant, he was still doing drugs and came home with used rubbers in his pants...

 

with all this, at 20 y/o i walked away...the hardest thing i ever had to do...

cause at that age, life is so idealistic and romantic...

 

but darlin', u have to know, u r so much more important than this relationship, that is not only going NO where, it is going to end up destroying who U r inside, and possibly really hurting, not just emotionally but physically...

 

please, let's do this one step at a time, OK

 

first...get into IC, therapy, or a group...so u can c other women in your same situation...so u dont' feel so alone..and u can be there for each other.

 

next, get out! get out of that house u live in with him and just walk away...no make that RUN away...just leave...

u have to do this..

 

if i can do it pregnant, with all my idealistic dreams of a perfect family...

 

u can do this without any kids or being pregnant..OK

 

u have already shown SO much ability to be strong and take CONTROL of your own life and destination....

 

u came here, to LS...this was the very first step in your recovery from this unhealthy relationship...

 

so be VERY proud of yourself..OK.

 

but like i said, just do ONE step at a time..

 

let's get u into IC or if that is not an option at this time..

then just keep coming here to LS...please, keep posting and READING..

 

everyone here is VERY sincere and caring, kind , loving and understanding..and in one way or another, we have ALL been in your shoes...

 

BUT U have to make that second step now..

 

which is just pack your belongings and walk out..

 

do not think of the hugs, kisses and cuddling...

its not real..its all a ploy to keep u pasified while he is running amuck with his buddies clubing!

 

second step...pack your stuff and move out!

 

if u ever need to talk privately, please feel free to message me privately...

 

i SO get where u r right now..i have been there...and remember, pregnant...

it is oh so hard to do..

 

but like i said, u have already shown great strength and self respect by coming here to LS for help...

 

now i will go back and read more of your story...remember, u can always PM me OK...as i have been there too...

 

btw, that baby, he is 24 y/o now..and guess what, the father, the man i left...he spent 12 years in prison and is still just as mean and awful as he was 25 years ago...C, they DO NOT CHANGE...

they only get worse...but only if u let them...

 

its time for u to live YOUR LIFE...peacefully, happily and with a man that will cherish u and love u and really want to BE WITH YOU...not run around partying like a child with his buddie and lying to you about it...

 

sorry if i have rambled on..but your story hit home with me and i really want to make sure you are OK...

 

lmk..please come back to LS as much as u can..OK..

 

XOXOXOX;)

[anc20]

Yes, I def need therapy. And thank you for taking the time to break down my story, I have NEVER felt like I had people like this who are genuinely interested in helping me with my relationship, so thanks again! I do have a question though, what does NC stand for?? Its all over these forums and I have noo clue what it means! Ha thanks, and any other abbreviations that you thing would be helpful to know-please fill me in! Also, I need to know what I should do when hes blowing up my phone begging me to come back and being perfect again, I don't think I've expressed how crazy he can go when I leave and since I do love him it makes it hard to deny him because I know he's not doing all of this intentionally, like said above its all he knows. I know he loves me the best way he knows how to so idkhow to handle it!

[PowerOfOne]

NC - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257208/

 

Good reading!

[delajoonal]

Yes, I def need therapy. And thank you for taking the time to break down my story, I have NEVER felt like I had people like this who are genuinely interested in helping me with my relationship, so thanks again! I do have a question though, what does NC stand for?? Its all over these forums and I have noo clue what it means! Ha thanks, and any other abbreviations that you thing would be helpful to know-please fill me in! Also, I need to know what I should do when hes blowing up my phone begging me to come back and being perfect again, I don't think I've expressed how crazy he can go when I leave and since I do love him it makes it hard to deny him because I know he's not doing all of this intentionally, like said above its all he knows. I know he loves me the best way he knows how to so idkhow to handle it!

 

NC= No Contact

there is a list of acronyms under FAQ at the top of the LS page.

i can list more if u would like?

your bf knows u SOOO well..he knows EVERY single button to push to make u cry, laugh, come running back at warp speed...

 

u have to be 2 steps ahead of him right now...

 

i have some more reading to do...your posts...

 

then i can get back to u on more...

 

but like i said, u coming here to LS, is the first step in u reaching out and by admitting you KNOW your R=relationship, is NOT healthy and u

want to move on....

 

the next step is how DO U move on?

 

u can do it...don't look at the whole picture just yet..

 

one thing at a time...

 

so take a deep breath...and remember...whenever IT get's to be too much in your head...just breathe...just breathe...slow and steady.

 

u will be just fine.

 

u can do this.

 

if u can, turn your phone off for ONE whole day...

 

u might miss calls from friends, etc...but that might actually work in your favor...

 

cause i maybe 45 y/o, but believe me, we still call our friends and cry and vent and just go over and over what his happening in our R's...

 

so maybe just take ONE day to not answer your phone at all...

 

just have a day where u can breathe, get somer perspective on YOUR life and what u need..without anyone else's input...your friends mean well...but are so very close to the situation...u might get mixed signals..

that is why coming to LS is a great move on your part...

 

ok..i will get back to u asap...

 

remember...just turn it off...if u can't do a whole day..

then make it ONE hour...start with just one hour...to just not talk about him or think about him or even talk to him....

 

maybe go get a mani/pedi..perfect amount of time to just relax and do something for JUST U!

 

u will be ok.