Does an emotional affair = adultery?

[meanon]

No, naughty gaia

 

Get thee to a nunnery

[Wolvesbaned]

As I've experienced it, liking and admiration for someone grows bit by bit as you learn more and more about that person. Something, somewhere along the way happens and the amount of admiration and fondness you have goes over the top and switches from liking to love. The problem, if you are in a relationship, is that you can't tell how close you are to reaching that point until you're over the top - and then it's too late.

 

The tipping point --the critical point of no return which happens long before it becomes apparent. Thank you, that is a great analogy. Another example would be the lily leaf in the pond growing exponentially. The day before it completely covers the pond it only covers half, and that is when it's finally noticeable -but the point of eradication could have only been weeks before.

 

This analogy is helping me understand this phenomenon but I still get an uneasy feeling about having no "choice" in the matter. For instance, if I started thinking about a "friend" often, which usually comes before putting the words "like" into the equation, that would be a trigger. I should be aware of my feelings or why I am doing the things I do, regardless of what events are unfolding in my life at the time.

 

As for the tipping point, it makes sense, yes, but I can only compare the analogy to the relationships I had prior to marriage. There was never a time when I "fell for someone" without knowing why; there was never a time when I felt my feelings just came suddenly. Maybe I am just overly sensitive in this area? Regardless, I thank you all for your comments because it has lead me to the conclusion that it's unrealistic of me to expect others to be the way I am with these matters. In that same sense, it is pompous of me to think no one else is capable of it (i.e. my husband).

 

Because there are plenty of people you can get along with who would be disasters as life partners. Those are the people you can be platonic friends with safely.

 

I understand what you mean by this and I had friends that fell into this category but what about new people I'll potentially meet? Aside from judging by appearances (something I don't like to do), how can I know without knowing them?

[Wolvesbaned]

Bronzepen,

 

Your the exception that proves the rule.

I'll be the exception once I actually have a male-friend

 

Talk is always cheap, so I guess I'll have to see once it actually happens.

Sidenote: My only male-friend I've kept in semi-contact with lives miles away. He falls into the super-platonic category... no doubt about it, but a great guy regardless.

(Why do I feel the need to apologize for that comment )

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by gaia

Can you not have the occasional, hormonal-fog-induced fantasy moment without being considered unfaithful?

 

 

You should not have any hormonal-fog-induced moment if your in a platonic relationship.

 

As to whether or not it's considered unfaithful, well that's subject to interpretation. IMO I don't think it's unfaithful.

 

Hormonal-fog-induced fantasy falls along the lines of masturbation. Just my opinion.

[moimeme]

It's a CHOICE to continue to cultivate a relationship. I think most find themselves at a cross-roads thinking "Ok, I really know this is wrong but...." then they either back out and remain faithful or, they find a way to "justify

 

I disagree. I think the point of understanding it's wrong comes AFTER the 'tipping point' has been reached, and then the impetus to continue the relationship becomes extremely difficult to fight off. That's not an excuse, but I think the smartest thing possible is to avoid getting anywhere near the 'tipping point', because once you're over, it is a helluva lot harder to pull away. By that point, the emotional infidelity has happened, regardless of whether the physical infidelity has begun. The spouse has already lost something of great value.

 

My only male-friend I've kept in semi-contact with lives miles away

 

And therefore it should be pretty safe. You're not close enough physically. As long as you're not calling and emailing him on the sly, that's fine.

 

Can you not have the occasional, hormonal-fog-induced fantasy moment

 

It should not be difficult to distinguish between an 'occasional moment' and the sort of thinking about and dwelling on someone that takes place as a relationship grows.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by Wolvesbaned

 

Talk is always cheap, so I guess I'll have to see once it actually happens.

Sidenote: My only male-friend I've kept in semi-contact with lives miles away. He falls into the super-platonic category... no doubt about it, but a great guy regardless.

(Why do I feel the need to apologize for that comment )

 

Well, let's hope it never happens. That's one test I would avoid.

[gaia]

Can you not have the occasional, hormonal-fog-induced fantasy moment

 

It should not be difficult to distinguish between an 'occasional moment' and the sort of thinking about and dwelling on someone that takes place as a relationship grows.

 

Was joking!

 

Hell, if every H-F moment had turned into an affair (emotional or otherwise) there really would be no hope for my immortal soul!

[moimeme]

[meanon]

Hell, if every H-F moment had turned into an affair (emotional or otherwise) there really would be no hope for my immortal soul!

 

I'll join you in HELL Gaia

[NatoPMT]

you are making us british lasses look like hussies. i disassociate myself from the pair of you

 

[peakey]

Originally posted by gaia

Can you not have the occasional, hormonal-fog-induced fantasy moment without being considered unfaithful?

 

Hey, I met the most amazingly good-looking guy the other day at the shop where I got my PC fixed. Seriously, he was devastatingly gorgeous. I hope he didn't notice me drooling. How uncool would that have been? I'd consider my reaction to be a hormonal-fog-induced fantasy moment. Or just plain lust. But I didn't act on it. IMO, it's okay to "admire" other people, even fantacize about them. But only in the mild way you might think about Brad Pitt or someone like that - with the full knowledge that nothing's ever gonna happen there.

[gaia]

[

quote]Originally posted by BigBelm

you are making us british lasses look like hussies. i disassociate myself from the pair of you

 

LOL

 

Come and join us instead - much more fun!!!

[meanon]

you are making us british lasses look like hussies. i disassociate myself from the pair of you

 

LOLOLOLLOL

 

Wait the Fog's clearing .... it's ..... it's..... OMG IT'S THE LS THOUGHT POLICE!!!! RUN GAIA RUN!!!!

[NatoPMT]

i am easily led. dont encourage me too much.

 

haha

 

(ps meanon, hot on your heels with my purity stick, one whack of that and youll be in the nunnery faster than you can say 'i was only looking')

[DebraLee]

I don't know what to do with this. I have so many questions.

First, I just started hanging around my husbands best friend. He started coming over to see my husband. I like this guy and his wife.

I am attracted to this guy and Im not sure if he feels the same but I don't know how I am supposed to walk away when he is so close to my husband. Do I never talk to him? Do I neer come outside to say hey? Do I not stay friendly with them at all? I don't kno.

He called last night and I had picked up the phone for my husband. He was telling me how this time of year their relationship gets tough because of her hours and stuff. I don't know that he should be confiding in me about it. I don't know but I feel scared yet I feel flattered by attention. ALthough maybe this is just part of a problem in MY head. Maybe he is just being friendly and I'm the weirdo. All I know is I feel uncomfortable becasue I care about this man and he is NOT my husband.

Am I reading into this?

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by DebraLee

All I know is I feel uncomfortable becasue I care about this man and he is NOT my husband.

Am I reading into this?

 

 

That statement above is your major clue. You are UNCOMFORTABLE. This means in your heart you know it is not right. It is normal to feel other feelings or attractions to others even in a marriage but the choice is Do you act on it?

 

If you value your marriage, love your husband, I would talk to your husband NOW about your feelings and concerns. Best friend or not, stay as far away from this man as possible.

 

If you find you really want to pursue this attraction (which BTW is just infatuation and is prob. not REAL and will fizzle out as quickly as it started) then PLEASE leave your husband FIRST! Do not cross that line into adultary! It won't be worth it in the long run on your conscience and the hurt it will cause your husband.

 

Good luck.

[DebraLee]

I agree with you on the "wrong "thing but I can't tell my husband about this situation.

I would nullifying all his worries and fears. He always thinks like Im cheating on him or have a boyfriend...I don't want to make him anymore insecure with me.

I would also be emarrassed if this was completely innocent of his friend.

I wont leave my husand for ANYONE! I just think about the fact that if we didn't have mates...then I would try to be with him. I couldn't live with cheating on my husband that is why I married him. I knew I could never break his heart like that so I figure I MUST love him.

As far as the friend,I cut the conversation short after he brought up the relationship problem with his wife. I offered my advice for her to find another job. Did I do the right thing? My husband was sitting right next to me?

Do you think that it is a red flag to me when this guy is telling me about his marital problem? He was drinking a few beers before he called?

maybe I just need to forget about all of this and jsut concentrate on somethng else. Am I just putting importance on something that is not important.

I just dont see my husband talking to one of my friends about that kind of stuff.

[jenny]

maybe he was just talking. he might have sex with you if he could get away with it, scot free, but that's not terribly speacil or interesting.

 

don't talk about his problems with his wife with him. if this is flirtation, not a genuine need to talk, then it is the crassest form of flirtation possible. stop worrying about it, and stop doing it if it makes you uncomfortable or might make your husband uncomfortable.

[DebraLee]

It's funny the ironny of your note but I wont go into that.

Oh I wouldn't go talk to his wife about any of our conversation(s). I'm ot going to try to split them up. They both are wonderful people.

I felt really stupicd when you siad that that was a very crazy way of flirting.

I just dont know how the conversation lead into that personal side. I just asked how the wife was doing..??

I got scared when he brought up that they avoid each other when she gets home and how bitchy she gets the next 2 months.

I guess I will just stay completely away the next 2 months. Then things will go back to normal.

Akuna Mattata !!!

[jenny]

lol - is someone involved named scot?

 

i would be really upset if my bf called me bitchy to another woman; wouldn't you?

 

but if he really needs to talk things through, which i emphatize with, maybe he could go out with your husband and you, or just your husband, for dinner, or something.

[DebraLee]

Maybe it was I dont know. I plead the 5th!

Anyways, I think Im just going to stay out of it and become less available then maybe he will talk to my husband about it. I dont think they even talk about personal stuff though. That's why it strikes me funny too.

Thanks for the advise. I just got to get these thoughts out of my head and concentrate on my family.

[DebraLee]

I forgot to mention the answer to your question.

Yes and no. Im probably the Queen of all B's so yes I would be mad but it would probably be the truth.

[TigerEyes]

The Healing Library

Emotional Affairs

 

Emotional infidelity can harm marriage

Tuesday, February 26, 2002

Peter Jensen

Baltimore Sun

Staying true

 

Here are 10 rules for avoiding emotional infidelity.

 

1) Keep it all business in the office.

2) Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside the workplace.

3) Meet in groups.

4) Find polite ways of ending personal conversations.

5) Take particular care not to have regular (perhaps daily or even weekly) conversations about your life outside work.

6) Don't share your personal feelings.

7) Be unflinchingly honest with yourself.

8) Avoid cordial kisses and hugs, or dancing with members of the opposite sex.

9) Don't drink in mixed company.

10) Show your commitment to your spouse daily.

[meanon]

Here are 10 rules for avoiding emotional infidelity.

 

1) Keep it all business in the office.

2) Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside the workplace.

3) Meet in groups.

4) Find polite ways of ending personal conversations.

5) Take particular care not to have regular (perhaps daily or even weekly) conversations about your life outside work.

6) Don't share your personal feelings.

7) Be unflinchingly honest with yourself.

8) Avoid cordial kisses and hugs, or dancing with members of the opposite sex.

9) Don't drink in mixed company.

10) Show your commitment to your spouse daily.

 

May I add an 11th to make ABSOLUTELY sure?:

 

11) Die

[gaia]

LOL meanon. So so true.

 

I'm sorry to all those who really believe this is the way forward, but I can't live by those rules. God forbid that I can't rely on my self control just a little bit.

 

I fail to see how a little harmless flirtation to get me through the day at work suddenly constitutes adultery. In 10 years of doing so, I have not once cheated on my husband and have no intention of doing so.

 

Does noone believe in their own free will any more???