Does an emotional affair = adultery?

[Wolvesbaned]

If I was single and the other person was single, would I date them? **hmm**

 

If I thought the person was awesome enough to get to know better, then wouldn't it always be a "yes"?

 

I'm back to that platonic relationship question.

[meanon]

Is platonic relationships really possible?

 

Yes!! It's interesting your definition is between members of the opposite sex, as if there can be no sexual interest between people in same sex relationships. Yet you hear of cases where such feelings do develop in same sex friendships. So what's the solution? No friendships? That's grim.

 

I don't think there are absolutes, everyone has to find their own way in judging which friendships are platonic and which have potential to be problematic. For some their feelings are not within their control but for many choice plays a major part in determining how much of an emotional investment is made. Self knowledge plays a major part too, if there are other factors in your life that make you vulnerable you would need to err on the side of caution. For some I'm sure a simple way out of this is to say don't have frienships with anyone you find sexually attractive. For others such friendships are safe.

[NatoPMT]

i think emotional and physical affairs are as bad as each other, they are both as intimate - just in different ways, thankfully its never happened to me, but the thought of either makes me feel queasy.

 

Are friendships with guys more restricted than what you have with close girlfriends? ie; sharing intimate thoughts/advice.

 

my friendships with men arent restricted like that at all, the male friends that i live with know everything about me. there is absolutely no gender barrier there at all - if you have a true friendship with someone, you value them as a friend not as a potential leg over - its a friendship. the attitude of male/female friendships being sexually led infuriates me. if you cant have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex without it being about sex, you have problems in my opinion.

 

the difference between an emotional affair and a friendship is black & white for me - i know others will have more shades of grey, but you either have 'feelings' for your friend, or you dont.

[meanon]

if you have a true friendship with someone, you value them as a friend not as a potential leg over - its a friendship

 

Yes that's almost word for word the distinction I drew in an earlier post. I lived with male friends for 6 years, some of which were with my partner. There was only a problem once.

[fredrolin]

As a man, I have never seen an advantage of having a platonic female friend.

 

Call me a pig, but I can't she hanging out and spending time one on one with a woman is sex is not involved.

 

Sure I am forced into platonic relationships with co-workers, my wife's friend's etc.

 

But to be a single man and go out and hang out with a woman and just be friend's, never did it and never will.

 

Sorry, that's just me.

[meanon]

To me that's only a hop and a skip away from saying you see women only as sexual objects. I can't recall seeing your posts, fredrolin, and I may well be wrong. But if you have trouble in your relationships you may have just identified the cause.

[fredrolin]

your probably right meanon.

 

I just see no point in having female friends.

 

I have in the past and all most of them did was just whine about there boyfriends as I fantasized about having sex with them.

 

The female friends...not the boyfriends ha ha

[jmargel]

Most men given the chance to spend time with an attractive female (single or not) will try to make something more of it. If the guy is single he has nothing to lose, so why not? Trust me when it comes to men, guys don't care about other guy's feelings. They don't care if she is married, has a bf, etc.. Either they just want to bang her, so want something more than that.

 

Very few men who are close to a taken female will say or think 'I won't get any closer to her because she is taken'. Just go out some Saturday night to a club, and see all the single men there. Even though the population of women outnumber men, it still seems like there are alot of single men out there. If a guy thinks he has a chance with a chick, he'll take it.

[amerikajin]

Yes, emotional affairs are quite destructive.

 

Having said that, what do we mean by emotional affair? Mutually acknowledged attraction isn't necessarily an emotional affair, as this kind of thing happens all the time. Two people meet each other, one or both are married and flirt with each other a little bit, maybe even acknowledging that the other is attractive. As long as it dies there, I see no problem with that. It becomes a problem when you move past that line of acknowledgement and the conduct moves closer toward seduction. It doesn't have to be sex, it doesn't even have to be a kiss. If two people share what is normally reserved for their spouse, then they're engaged in an emotional affair, and that is very serious. It's only a matter of time before it leads to a more physical affair. In my opinion, an emotional affair is a physical affair lying in wait.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by Wolvesbaned

If I was single and the other person was single, would I date them? **hmm**

 

If I thought the person was awesome enough to get to know better, then wouldn't it always be a "yes"?

 

I'm back to that platonic relationship question.

 

 

If your answer is "yes" then you don't want to have a platonic relationship. Basically you want something physcial, as well as, emotional. Having a platonic relationship is mute at this point.

[Qgal]

Bronzepen:

 

Some things are best said simply.

You have cleared it up for me. Thanks!

[moimeme]

is mute

 

"moot" - meaning immaterial

 

sorry to nitpick, but it reads all wierd to me when people use 'mute'.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Very interesting thread, Moi!

 

I’ve been carefully considering the argument raised about emotional affairs, and what the difference was between platonic opposite sex friends vs. same sex friends. For me, in the way I conduct my life and relationships, there is no difference between the two. I treat ALL friendships equally regardless of gender.

 

For instance, these questions were posed on one of the links you provided. And I can honestly say that my answers to them apply to both male AND female friends, colleagues and acquaintances.

 

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

 

Absolutely NOT. My partner is my ear and strong shoulder to cry on. He is the FIRST person who I discuss my day with (sometimes to his dismay) because he is the only one patient enough to humor me.

 

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

 

Heck NO! I am a very private person and do not like to air my dirty laundry with people who are too close to us personally. I don’t like to paint a negative picture of my partner to friends, family or otherwise. I’m a straight shooter, and if I’m unhappy with something he’s done or hasn’t done, I skip all the childish preliminaries and go straight to the source!

 

I can’t even imagine how embarrassing it would be if either of us were to share an evening out with friends and feel any awkwardness because someone had said something negative about the other…or told “secrets” behind each other’s back.

 

Nope. Don’t play that game.

 

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

 

Not only am I “open”…but also generous when it comes to including him. I want him to be a part of every aspect of my life. I love him. I’m proud of him. I WANT my friends to get to know him too and see all the same wonderful qualities I found in him. If any of my friends didn’t want to include him, then I would no longer consider them a “friend.”

 

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

 

I think he would be very proud of the way I interact, but I don’t know if I would be comfortable with him knowing some of my friends’ darker secrets. Some of my gal pals are loveable, but a bit fruit-loopy. I worry that if he ever found out about some of the things they’ve done, he might not approve of my socializing with them. Particularly some of the ladies who are currently involved in affairs of their own.

 

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

 

Absolutely! I always conduct myself with the same dignity and self-respect when I’m away from him as I do in his presence. I’m the same person at home as I am away from home.

 

8 . Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

 

The only sexual tension is between me and my BEST friend. Fortunately, my best friend is also my partner. I guess I’ve been lucky in that I’ve always been able to find the best of both worlds in one person. Even when a relationship went south, the friendship and love ended at the same time. I’ve never been one to try and assemble a perfect relationship by piecing together the combined qualities of multiple partners. That never made much sense to me. If my current partner didn’t meet my most basic relationship needs, I would have never entered into a committed relationship with him.

 

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you're alone than in front of others?

 

My ‘platonic’ friends and I aren't touchy-feely, except for the occasional hug to say hello and goodbye. But my best friend and I can’t keep our hands off of each other! However, when in public, we try to refrain from offending small children and the elderly.

 

8. Are you in love with your friend?

 

I’m “in love” with my best friend…all others take a second seat. While I “like” my platonic friends, I don’t confuse fondness and affection for “love.” As a matter of fact, I never throw that word around nonchalantly. When this gal finally says it (and its a struggle), my partner can be d*mn sure I mean it!

 

…And not only to I ‘say’ it (at least three times a day), but I go out of my way to prove it. I don't believe that love is something that we all 'deserve.' It's not a inalienable right. Rather, much like respect, its something that we all need to work at constantly and 'earn.' And the better you are at learning to love, the better your chances are of receiving it in return.

[moimeme]

My answers would be identical to yours.

[saintfrancis]

Originally posted by fredrolin

all I have to say is that many people, including myself, have wasted alot of valuable time emotionally suffering due to being in a bad relationship that they could not immediately get out of, for once reason or another.

 

 

There is no reason, short of your gf/spouse having a terminal illness, why I can think of to NOT be able or willing to get out of a bad relationship. If it is so bad and you WANT out, then you grow some balls and GET out. If you are too wussy to do that, then you stay. (not referring to you specifically, I'm using the general "you")

 

A temporary emotional or physical affair can sometimes be a positive thing.

 

For you. maybe, but not for the person being cheated on. I know this from BOTH sides of the fence.

[NatoPMT]

bravo enigma - totally absolutely agree with every word you wrote. only difference in my actions is if i feel anything negative, i occassionally post it here to organise my thoughts before discussing it with him.

[faux]

Originally posted by lint

Is having an emotional affair considered adultry? I would really appreciate answers as I am in an emotional relationship only & consider it adultry where as the other party does not feel that. Please advise

 

My stance on the subject:

If one cannot find everything one requires: emotional support, understanding, honesty, intimacy and the like, then one should consider finding a relationship with someone who can provide these things. I believe that such "emotional relationships" are wrong.

 

Is it Adultery?

As to whether or not I believe an "emotional affair" is adultery I cannot agree with this. Adultery specifically involves extramarital sex, and does not address extramarital emotional support or non-physical connection. However, to covet was never considered correct, now was it?

[gaia]

Two people meet each other, one or both are married and flirt with each other a little bit, maybe even acknowledging that the other is attractive. As long as it dies there, I see no problem with that.

 

an emotional affair is a physical affair lying in wait.

 

 

Thank you, Amerikajin, for saving me the trouble of trying to organise my thoughts into a coherent sentence. I agree with you entirely.

 

By some peoples' definitions, I am having at least seven emotional affairs. With men and women.

[zarathustra]

Perspective determines the answer.

 

"Emotionally," an unconsummated relationship between two people can be experienced as adulterous: the spouse is replaced by the "other" as the central sorce of support, love, stimulation and friendship. The betrayal is existential and emotional--even absent penetration and orgasm.

 

"Legally," adultery usually requires sexual intercourse (although I assume oral sex would suffice--take that, Mr. Clinton). An interesting side question exists regarding whether same sex betrayals may be considered legally adulterous. In late 2003, the New Hampshire Supreme Court held that a wife's affair with another woman did not constitute adultery under New Hampshire law. The vote was 3-2. I believe the razor thin majority was wrong. I'm sure the husband feels that way, too.

[meanon]

Perspective determines the answer.

 

LOL! As always

 

By some peoples' definitions, I am having at least seven emotional affairs. With men and women.

 

Six by my count, one of whom is my sister!!! Seriously, some definitions are indistinguishable from loving platonic friendships.

[Wolvesbaned]

Originally posted by Bronzepen

If your answer is "yes" then you don't want to have a platonic relationship. Basically you want something physical, as well as, emotional. Having a platonic relationship is mute at this point.

Something imaginary is quite different from what's real. It doesn't mean I would ever want anything physical. I think it's hard to equate a hypothetical directly into real life.

 

The question I originally took from you was:

If I was single and the other person was single, would I date them?

 

My answer:

If I thought the person was awesome enough to get to know better, then wouldn't it always be a "yes"?

 

I truly don't see why anyone would answer "no". Hell if you can imagine being single and the other person you're getting along with is also single, then why wouldn't you try the prospects of dating? If everyone's single, then what's the big deal? Mind you I have a good imagination but I can only imagine the me before marriage (imagining the demise of a current relationship is just unthinkable).

 

Isn't the real issue really about knowing your limits? In the span of year we can run into a few people that we just find attractive, we can sleep with every single one of them, if we wanted. But this is where morals kick in, or should kick in.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's irrelevant to ask this question. It's not about setting up a hypothetical in your mind that doesn't or will never exist, it's about morals, values, love and being honest with yourself. (i.e. Since I'm really not happy with my relationship I'll pretend to be "friends" with this person but my real motive is to have him/her fall in love with me so that way I can finally dump my spouse because I've no spine to do it all by myself.)

 

[moimeme]

I truly don't see why anyone would answer "no". Hell if you can imagine being single and the other person you're getting along with is also single, then why wouldn't you try the prospects of dating?

 

Because there are plenty of people you can get along with who would be disasters as life partners. Those are the people you can be platonic friends with safely.

 

Those with whom you would be compatible on many levels are the ones to avoid because love creeps up on you. Your fondness for someone you find terrific can grow until it becomes love. As I've experienced it, liking and admiration for someone grows bit by bit as you learn more and more about that person. Something, somewhere along the way happens and the amount of admiration and fondness you have goes over the top and switches from liking to love. The problem, if you are in a relationship, is that you can't tell how close you are to reaching that point until you're over the top - and then it's too late.

 

People in these situations always say that love 'just happened', but it didn't 'just happen'. It was growing and growing all along until it burst into bloom. So, pretty much, you have to stay out of the garden if there's any possibility that the seed of love might take root. We don't have meters on us that tell when we're reaching the pre-love danger zone. Maybe if we did, we could 'control' ourselves in these matters.

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

People in these situations always say that love 'just happened', but it didn't 'just happen'. It was growing and growing all along until it burst into bloom. So, pretty much, you have to stay out of the garden if there's any possibility that the seed of love might take root. We don't have meters on us that tell when we're reaching the pre-love danger zone. Maybe if we did, we could 'control' ourselves in these matters.

 

Reminds me of the anology of the frog and the boiling water:

 

Take a frog and throw him into a pot of boiling water and guaranteed, he will jump out.

 

Put a frog in a pot of water and slowly increase the heat until boiling and you have frog soup.

 

 

I hate the "just happened" excuse. It's a CHOICE to continue to cultivate a relationship. I think most find themselves at a cross-roads thinking "Ok, I really know this is wrong but...." then they either back out and remain faithful or, they find a way to "justify" it. My H spent a month is an EA telling himself that I deemed our marriage over. Thing is, he never asked me!

 

I agree with most posters on what an EA is. It is damaging to the primary relationship of the spouses and/or SOs.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by Wolvesbaned

Something imaginary is quite different from what's real. It doesn't mean I would ever want anything physical. I think it's hard to equate a hypothetical directly into real life.

 

The question I originally took from you was:

If I was single and the other person was single, would I date them?

 

My answer:

If I thought the person was awesome enough to get to know better, then wouldn't it always be a "yes"?

Hell if you can imagine being single and the other person you're getting along with is also single, then why wouldn't you try the prospects of dating? If everyone's single, then what's the big deal? Mind you I have a good imagination but I can only imagine the me before marriage (imagining the demise of a current relationship is just unthinkable).

 

Isn't the real issue really about knowing your limits? In the span of year we can run into a few people that we just find attractive, we can sleep with every single one of them, if we wanted. But this is where morals kick in, or should kick in.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's irrelevant to ask this question. It's not about setting up a hypothetical in your mind that doesn't or will never exist, it's about morals, values, love and being honest with yourself. (i.e. Since I'm really not happy with my relationship I'll pretend to be "friends" with this person but my real motive is to have him/her fall in love with me so that way I can finally dump my spouse because I've no spine to do it all by myself.)

 

 

 

It's easy to say " Yes, I will date them but I am in a committed relationship so that will never happend." For some people (yourself) this may be enough. Unfortunatley for most, it starts out that way but end's up in a bad situation. Your the exception that proves the rule.

 

A platonic relationship not only means no physical contact but also not wanting physical contact.

 

As to your question, "I truly don't see why anyone would answer "no". " Moimeme has answered and I agree with her.

[gaia]

Originally posted by Bronzepen

A platonic relationship not only means no physical contact but also not wanting physical contact.

 

Can you not have the occasional, hormonal-fog-induced fantasy moment without being considered unfaithful?