confusedinsd Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 [font=times new roman][/font][color=green][/color] Help!!! I've been with the same man, for almost 3 years, we divorced at the same time and have gone through a lot together. There's an issue in our relationship, that really drives me crazy! He won't let me, or my kids, around his 2 children, that are 13 and 17. We've done 1 thing together with them, in the last 3 years and he has no desire to spend any time together again. We fight about this on a weekly basis, because I'm so open with my 3 kids and he can come over at anytime, but I'm 'banned' from his house, when it's his weekend to have his kids. Am I crazy for putting up with all of this? It's been a huge impact on our relationship, in the last 3 months and I'm tired of fighting for what I belive in and for trying to start 'blending' our lives together. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Am I crazy for putting up with all of this? Yes. What are his reasons? I can't imagine there could be any good reason for this, but I'd be fascinated to know his excuse for this. Any suggestions? Dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
jams Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Hmm, i reckon there are loads of good reasons as to why he might not be letting you hang round his kids. sicne his divorce he might not want to put his kids through anymore trauma.. i think it is quite sensible to keep your love life separate to your kids until they are old enough or you are serious enough about your next relationship... it is quite mean of him not to want to 'blend' familys after three years however so it makes me think that maybe he feels guilty for his divorce and really does not want to upset his kids further, or perhaps he has his own complicated reasons fornot wanting to share parenting responsibities with you. when i was 11 my mum's boyfriend came to live with me and my sister and his kids sort of joined the family. There were sooo many problems involved in blending our family that they nearly split up over it. even now we don't all get on that well, his kids don't associate with our mum all that much etc. there's loads of potential problems in blending families, i'm sure it can go smoothly but in my experience the teenage years are the worst ones to be doing this in... but then your kids and his kids might be 100% unselfish and be perfectly happy to blend familys. what if he treats his kids really differently to yours? i always resented the fact that my mum was really strict with bedtimes etc while her boyfriend was very lax with his kids. so even though we were the same ages we'd all go to bed at different times.. it sounds trivial but its small things like this that can cause big problems. Anyway, they've been going out for a decade now and its great, her boyfriend is my father figure and i really appreciate him. but it did take a long time to appreciate him. i'd say that your boyfriend is problably thinking of his kids more than of his lovelife. he might not want to upset how things are now for them by bringing someone new into their lives. or they might still be sensitive from the divorce earlier. three years isn't that long really. hope some of these ideas help. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 I would find this totally unacceptable. It's not like you're a one week hootchie, nor are his children at a particularly tender age. To me, it seems tantamount to saying that you and your kids are somehow not good enough for him. Not even to have a picnic with, or a trip to the lake. That's unbelievable. If he won't work through this issue with you, and come to a quick resolution (like 2 weeks max), then I would say it's over. Just my POV. Link to post Share on other sites
BabyGirl Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 The question is...how do the kids feel about you? They may have made a comment about your 1 time together to their Dad. Maybe they weren't comfortable with it. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Id have to say he probably has very good reason not wanting everyone to blend as of yet..... my ex and his girlfriend and her teenaged daughter (both our children are 11 and 14) didnt blend well at first hence now his girlfriend keeps her nose out of our busniess (for the most part) as well as the kids business. she was over stepping bounds with the kids and they made this clear to her and him.... they accept thier relationship however they do not accept her voicing her opinion particularily when she starts to ridicule them out in the open.... they have discussed this with thier father and he has made it very clear they dont have to put up with it from her and she keeps her distance.... however there is far more background to whats happened to just her ridiculing...... when the kids finally do accept and want a blended family, it will be on thier terms when they are ready..... i keep my distance when situations occurr in his household and let him deal with it as it is his house and he does a fine job dealing with it in the most part but as well support my childrens decision..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinsd Posted March 17, 2004 Author Share Posted March 17, 2004 His 16 year old daughter, told him at Christmas time...'Dad, it's ok for Kim to be around us.' Apparently she doesn't have an issue, but he does. In fact, the last time we faught about this, my bf's comment was...'how can I spend quality time with my kids, with you around?' Like I told him, I don't want to spend 48 hours of his weekend, with him and his kids. But, lunch or something is pretty harmless. My kids are 10, 8 and 6 and love him to death. It's just hard, knowing I let my kids get attached to someone, not knowing how he'd change and do a complete 180 on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 I find this completely strange. Your boyfriend's comment about not being able to spend quality time with his children while in your presence is demeaning and hurtful. For some reason, I get the impression he is hiding something. It sounds like his kids know about you, so he's not hiding your relationship from them. If you've been together for 3 years, and he doesn't allow you around his kids, then it's quite apparent your relationship isn't progressing any. Personally, I would not tolerate this. You fight about it weekly, and he's not budging. It's time you reconsider this relationship. Three years is too long for this, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinsd Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 Here's the clincher...last night he went out, for St. Patty's Day...no big deal. I asked if he saw his ex-wife down at the bar, since he went to an establishment that she usually goes to....and he said no, she wasn't there. Well, I got a phone call, from a friend of mine, later and he said that he saw my BF down there, standing next by the table his EX WIFE was at and that he bought a round of beer, for her and her friends. I called him on it. He tried to make me the bad person...saying I have spies out on him. I'm done, as hard as it is to say goodbye, to a relationship, you altered your life for, left your husband for and changed my kids' life's for. I feel so betrayed and confused. Can't help but think that it was all a bunch of lies. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by confusedinsd I'm done, as hard as it is to say goodbye, to a relationship, you altered your life for, left your husband for and changed my kids' life's for. I feel so betrayed and confused. Can't help but think that it was all a bunch of lies. You said in your first post that you and he divorced at the same time; but you didn't mention that he was the REASON you left your husband. Were you the reason, or part of the reason, that he left his wife? I must say that puts your situation in a rather different light than what my initial impression was. I think you've made the right decision in leaving him, because you're clearly not a priority for him. But now his refusal to allow you to spend any time with his kids makes a lot more sense. Whether or not it's the truth, his kids probably see you as the reason he left their mom. I know it's probably more complicated than that; anyway it doesn't matter. Breaking up was probably the right choice for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 That was my FIRST instinct with this guy, that keeping his kids away from you had something to do with his ex wife. I thought maybe that wasn't the reason when you mentioned something about the kids knowing about you, or something. What I meant was maybe he was keeping you from his kids so they wouldn't "tell" their mother, etc. It all makes sense...he kept the intensity of your relationship hidden from his children so he could hide that from his ex. Good riddance for him! GOOD for YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
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