So many contradictory actions and words (a general observation)

[Mrlonelyone]

Here's another pattern I have noticed on this board....

 

There are so many men and women on LS all over LS who are trying to interpret contradictory actions and words of some species.

 

Married men or women who tell the other man or woman that they love them.... but never divorce the husband or wife.

 

Dumper's who then speak of how much they miss the dumpee.

 

So many examples of being beckoned with one hand... and shooed away with another. Maybe not equal ammounts of both a come on, and a shoo away in every case.

 

Why do people do that? What advantage did God/Evolution program into us by giving us these logical brains... then connecting them to these illogical things in our chest.

[delajoonal]

Here's another pattern I have noticed on this board....

 

There are so many men and women on LS all over LS who are trying to interpret contradictory actions and words of some species.

 

Married men or women who tell the other man or woman that they love them.... but never divorce the husband or wife.

 

Dumper's who then speak of how much they miss the dumpee.

 

So many examples of being beckoned with one hand... and shooed away with another. Maybe not equal ammounts of both a come on, and a shoo away in every case.

 

Why do people do that? What advantage did God/Evolution program into us by giving us these logical brains... then connecting them to these illogical things in our chest.

 

 

oh, i think a tad bit to philosophical for us on LS at this time...

as u stated above...basically, we are a mess and have NO clue what we are doing, or what we want....hence~ the reason we are ALL here on LS.

 

i think most are just way into what is going on in their love lives to get all prolific right now...and we are simply trying to undestand, thru each others pain, how, what ,where and why..we can do this..get thru this pain we are all in right now?

 

idk, maybe i am wrong..maybe it's just me?

 

 

thanx for the thought provoking post tho....

 

take care...

[Mrlonelyone]

oh, i think a tad bit to philosophical for us on LS at this time...

as u stated above...basically, we are a mess and have NO clue what we are doing, or what we want....hence~ the reason we are ALL here on LS.

 

That's not quite what I meant... not what I meant at all.

 

What most everyone here is doing is trying to figure out some species of mixed signals from a loved one. In a sentence that's all I said.

 

I would also point out that most of us, myself included, operate under the assumption.... that the other person knows what they want?

 

We are here trying to figure out what the other person wants...as well as what we want... when the truth is... the other party likely does not really know what they want either.

[homebrew]

We are here trying to figure out what the other person wants...as well as what we want... when the truth is... the other party likely does not really know what they want either.

 

My EX doesn't want me... I am sure of that!

 

Otherwise... My EX would be with me.

 

Same with yours and everyone else on here.

Edited December 31, 2010 by homebrew

[Mrlonelyone]

My EX doesn't want me... I am sure of that!

 

Otherwise... My EX would be with me.

 

Same with yours and everyone else on here.

 

Your not proving me wrong there.

 

You observe the fact that your EX and My EX and by definition no one's EX is with them.

 

Then you assume that means the EX does not want to be with them.

 

Which is just a variant of assuming that the EX's all know just what they want with total clarity.

 

I counter propose that if an EX knows what they want; then all their words and actions will be 100% consistent and clear with no contradictions what so ever.

 

i.e. An EX wants nothing to do with you at all...

 

They don't call up.

They don't drive by.

They don't send Christmas gifts.

They don't send text, emails or any other messages.

They do cut all forms of communication what so ever.

They do avoid you like the plague.

They do ignore any communication you get to them if you communicate at all.

 

and so on.

 

Instead what we have here.... one man who's EX Broke up with him showing signs of what you call GIGS... only to send him X mas gifts...

 

Another man who's EX broke up with him but sends him warm FB messages... and so on.

 

Mixed signals are the reason they are here. If their exes were as 100% dead set as you say then they would act like they were.

[homebrew]

For me...

 

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

 

For me...

 

If they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them.

 

For me...

 

This isn't complicated. Boy mets girl, boy and girl like each other, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset.

 

For me...

 

I have never had to beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be / want to be with me...

 

For me...

 

I am me. They either liked it or they don't.

 

For me...

 

If someone does not know who they are or want they want... I do not pursue them, date them, want to enter a relationship with them, marry them.

 

For me...

 

I do not pursue EXes who dumped me.

 

For me...

 

If an EX that dumped me wants a second chance... It's not MY JOB to get them to want me. It's THEIR JOB to get me to want them.

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

For you...

 

If your needs are met by being with someone that does not want to be with you...

 

Well by all means, knock yourself out.

 

Considering the name you have... I do not believe you are happy.

 

For you...

 

You think it is your job to get your EX that dumped you to want to be with you.

 

I say... Have fun with that!

Edited December 31, 2010 by homebrew

[stopthemadness]

My EX doesn't want me... I am sure of that!

 

Otherwise... My EX would be with me.

 

Same with yours and everyone else on here.

Yo..I went to your grass is greener post. Wow it really made sence, think am gona read it again. Thanks!

[Mrlonelyone]

Homebrew

 

I'm not talking about myself in this posting. I'm just making a observation based on reading many other peoples threads.

[Mrlonelyone]

Take this thread for an example.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258916/

 

This person is on a second date with an EX.... and the EX is still giving mixed signals while on a date.

 

Clearly she's interested...or is she? It seems even being physically present is not enough to guarantee that someone is mentally there and knows exactly what they want.

[homebrew]

Take this thread for an example.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258916/

 

This person is on a second date with an EX.... and the EX is still giving mixed signals while on a date.

 

Clearly she's interested...or is she? It seems even being physically present is not enough to guarantee that someone is mentally there and knows exactly what they want.

 

She dumped him when she went away to live oversees... She is home for the Holidays... She is lonely... She is going to go back oversees after break.

[BlindRage]

Homebrew,

 

I love your advice. I actually know it and feel it in my head but I don't know why I'm so weak in my heart and get emotional. Well, at least hearing you say it is nice. Anyways you give great advice.

[homebrew]

Homebrew,

 

I love your advice. I actually know it and feel it in my head but I don't know why I'm so weak in my heart and get emotional. Well, at least hearing you say it is nice. Anyways you give great advice.

 

Thanks... Well you give great advice too!

 

Keep reading and posting... It does get better!

[homebrew]

Yo..I went to your grass is greener post. Wow it really made sence, think am gona read it again. Thanks!

 

You are welcome!

 

Wish I didn't learn about G.I.G.S. the hard way... Having it and dumping someone and being dumped by someone having it.

[Mrlonelyone]

She dumped him when she went away to live oversees... She is home for the Holidays... She is lonely... She is going to go back oversees after break.

 

The question that He's here asking really is ...what does she want... Not what does she have to do... but what does she want.

 

______

Honestly in my case... I would say that what she wants is Drama. She choose the most drama creating way to handel the situation possible. Well with my last exchange with her witless BF I'm done for a while. I think I just needed to make it clear that I'm not afraid of him...which was the goal of his writing back to "scare" or intimidate me.

Edited December 31, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[Sonolumino]

What happened with her bf? And yeah, just stay away if stuff like that is going on. Your ex will make you out to be the bad guy 100% of the time. They have no sympathy.

[J0N]

I think alot of us (myself included) have an idea of what we should do... It's just that doing it is so hard. This is simple, cut off contact and you will move on.

 

Sort of like losing weight, simple burn more calories than you consume. For some this is very hard. This explains all the books, forums,etc.

 

For me it helps to have a place to vent and get answers to my questions without contacting my ex. Thanks again guys.

[davisc123]

Yes I've noticed this pattern as well, to varying degrees depending on the poster's relationship with their ex. Some ex's seem to enjoy the position of power they have, others seem genuinely confused about what they want and are scared they've made the wrong decision.

 

I think my ex falls into the latter category, but it doesn't make it any less selfish. The problem is when I don't talk to her she panics and feels an intense desire to have me back in her life. But in the past when I gave her a chance she would become distant again.

 

If I continued to allow it, it would have driven me insane.

[delajoonal]

That's not quite what I meant... not what I meant at all.

 

What most everyone here is doing is trying to figure out some species of mixed signals from a loved one. In a sentence that's all I said.

 

I would also point out that most of us, myself included, operate under the assumption.... that the other person knows what they want?

 

We are here trying to figure out what the other person wants...as well as what we want... when the truth is... the other party likely does not really know what they want either.

 

 

ya, OK, now i get it...LOL..sorry for the confusion...

 

YES, i think u r very correct in this statement...

 

thank you again...

[delajoonal]

Your not proving me wrong there.

 

You observe the fact that your EX and My EX and by definition no one's EX is with them.

 

Then you assume that means the EX does not want to be with them.

 

Which is just a variant of assuming that the EX's all know just what they want with total clarity.

 

I counter propose that if an EX knows what they want; then all their words and actions will be 100% consistent and clear with no contradictions what so ever.

 

i.e. An EX wants nothing to do with you at all...

 

They don't call up.

They don't drive by.

They don't send Christmas gifts.

They don't send text, emails or any other messages.

They do cut all forms of communication what so ever.

They do avoid you like the plague.

They do ignore any communication you get to them if you communicate at all.

 

and so on.

 

Instead what we have here.... one man who's EX Broke up with him showing signs of what you call GIGS... only to send him X mas gifts...

 

Another man who's EX broke up with him but sends him warm FB messages... and so on.

 

Mixed signals are the reason they are here. If their exes were as 100% dead set as you say then they would act like they were.

 

 

Homebrew...

 

i get what Mrlonely is saying..

 

if u think about it, he is right..

 

basically there are SOOO many reasons we have been dumped or the dumpee....

 

it's NOT always as black and white as:

 

ok, so i got dumped, so now i know i my X does NOT love me or want me?

this is NOT always the case...

 

from my experience, i broke up with my bf because of reasons i shall not state at this time, but it had nothing to do with infidetily, or violence, etc.

 

i in fact am still head over heels in love with my xbf....

 

and after speaking to him on the phone for 5 hours yesterday, yes, i broke NC BIG TIME....i have discovered that what MrLonely is saying is absolutely right on the money..

 

my xbf just said, he was completely baffled, one day he was here, went home expecting to pick me up the next morning to go to breakfast, etc...

and i had emailed him saying i was done..etc...

 

so my xbf just assumed i had somewhere along the line, did NOT love him anymore or was interested in another man...

 

when this was the farthest thing from my mind.

 

another LS member broke it off with her bf because of his drug problem and another cause he hangs with his friends too much...

 

not because they did not love their X's anymore...

 

it's all circumstantial, am i right?

 

so we all have SOOOO many dif reasons to be here on LS.

so many dif reasons we have been the dumper or dumpee...

 

so basically, there is this HUGE Grey area...(gray)spcheck?..lol

 

anyway...i get it mrlonely..and i think everyone else will get IT too..if just read it again...

[homebrew]

Quote:

Originally Posted by homebrew

She dumped him when she went away to live oversees... She is home for the Holidays... She is lonely... She is going to go back oversees after break.

 

The question that He's here asking really is ...what does she want... Not what does she have to do... but what does she want.

 

Mrlonelyone,

 

I for one think, If being oversees is that important to her... then I think she SHOULD do it.

 

Could she like or love the guy? Yes.

 

If she wanted too, could she stay and pursue a relationship? Yes.

 

Could the girl ask the guy to go oversees and share that experience with her? Yes.

 

Assuming the guy stays and the girl still goes... My advice to the guy in the situation would be to move on with his life...

 

Now, if and when they both want the same thing / in the same place / at the same time... Then I see no problem with them pursuing a relationship.

 

But the facts of this situation are... they both do not want the same thing / at the same time / in the same place... So what is the point of waiting around for her when there is no promise or certainty that he will ever be available to pursue a relationship with her?

 

She is doing what is best for her... He should do what is best for him too... which is moving on and looking for someone that wants what he wants and is available.

 

There is no HONOR in waiting around for someone...

 

Where has that gotten you?

 

You are lonely, correct?

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm sort of lonely....but not like miserable. (I was feeling physical discomfort at holding in what I felt.)

 

She has her new BF for the last couple of month's.

 

I had a good LTR in the years between my finding her on FB and our final communication break.

 

I have a few good prospects... nothing serious... and I'm even on a muslim matrimonial sight looking at what's there. (Technically muslims don't date... or aren't supposed to)

 

However homebrew for complex reasons I have to say I would give her another chance if she was willing. We have a child together of that I am as certain as can be (The timing of our sex, his birth and what he looks like). I have obligations to my son that for reasons that I went into in another thread I can only ever meet by having at least a civil relationship with S, his mother.

 

S's current BF wants her to cut all contact... I'm not going to comply with that without a court telling me to... and in the process perhaps get the paternity issue looked at again.

 

I do want her more than anyone...but if I cannot have her I'll just have to move on and pray for the best. I have emotional and physical needs to meet. Which if met will make me a better man for when I can finally make amends with my first born.

 

Oh and thanks to everyone else who seems to have gotten where I'm coming from. Human relationship are almost never black and white..all love ...all indifference..or all hate... It's often a complex combination of all of those and more.

 

PS: It seems that she's finally blocked me on FB. I'm not stunned or heart broken. For the time being at least that'll be for the best. As many of you have pointed out after a while they get curious if they have any feelings at all.

Edited December 31, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[homebrew]

S's current BF wants her to cut all contact... I'm not going to comply with that without a court telling me to... and in the process perhaps get the paternity issue looked at again.

 

Mrlonelyone... I mean no disrespect when I tell you this...

 

You do not know what love is and you have no respect for your EX... If you did, you would not make the comment that you did above.

 

I have been telling you that you are "unhealthy"... if it takes a court order to have that shown / proven to you. So be it.

 

You NEED professional help... and I encourage you to seek it right away. The way you think and feel is not healthy and it is not normal. What it is though, is SICK and SCARY!

Edited December 31, 2010 by homebrew

[Sonolumino]

in fact am still head over heels in love with my xbf...

 

Then why dump him over an email? Excuse my bluntness here but I think that "love" you're feeling is a mixture of regret over dumping him, realizing you may have made a mistake, or the whole human "wanting what you can't have" phase after you idealize what was good about the relationship.

 

 

so my xbf just assumed i had somewhere along the line, did NOT love him anymore or was interested in another man...

 

when this was the farthest thing from my mind

 

Can you honestly blame him? Actions speak much louder than words. There may not have been reasons for him to believe another man was involved, but there definitely was a reason for him to believe you didn't love him anymore. Look at it from his point of view: Girlfriend dumps me, says she loves me, but isn't here. In short, actions talk. They are the things that define our character.

[homebrew]

I have NEVER said anywhere that your EX does or does not love you... if you were dumped.

 

However... I prefer to deal with the facts of my situation.

 

I was dumped because... <insert reason>.

 

The fact that my EX loves me or not... does not change the situation. I still got dumped because... <insert reason>.

 

Until my EX takes care of... <insert reason> and asks for a second chance... My situation will never change.

 

Since I was dumped because of <insert reason>... I have no relationship with my EX any longer.Therefore, I have no input, no say, no influence, etc. with my EX and the <insert reason> that broke us up.

 

There is no guarantee or certainty that my EX is going to want a second chance or deal with <insert reason> that broke us up.

 

What has worked for me after I have been dumped by my EX for <insert reason>... Is to start the healing process and move on.

 

If my EX comes back and wants a second chance and has taken care of <insert reason>... the fact that I have healed and moved on... IS A GOOD THING.

 

If my EX does not comes back or does not take care of <insert reason> that broke us up... the fact that I have healed and move on... IS A GOOD THING.

 

There is no downside for what has worked for me. Get Dumped... Start Healing and Move on.

 

I am not going to let my EX (who I no longer have a relationship with) or <insert reason> that broke us up tell me when it's okay or when it's time to start healing and moving on...

I do not give control over my life... to someone who does not want to be with me or is unable to be with me because of <insert reason>... Whether they love me or not is immaterial.

Edited December 31, 2010 by homebrew

[Mrlonelyone]

Mrlonelyone... I mean no disrespect when I tell you this...

 

You do not know what love is and you have no respect for your EX... If you did, you would not make the comment that you did above.

 

I have been telling you that you are "unhealthy"... if it takes a court order to have that shown / proven to you. So be it.

 

You NEED professional help... and I encourage you to seek it right away. The way you think and feel is not healthy and it is not normal. What it is though, is SICK and SCARY!

 

Homebrew.... when children are involved people behave in ways that aren't logical all of the time.

 

I'm done messing with her for now. Finito Fini done. I'm not contacting her anymore period. However with that child involved quite honestly I would rather be able to look him in the eye and trutfully say..... I did everything I could son... than be thought of as a good guy by strangers.

 

My blood relatives and God are the only people who matter.