is reconciliation rare?

[krymej]

How often is it that exes come back?

 

has anyone on this forum experienced exes come crawling back to them.. if so what was this that helped create this process?

 

many thanks

 

Krymej

[SDA]

I think the main thing i've learned on this forum in the short time is that it totally depends on the situation.

 

Whether you broke up with them or they broke up with you. How you left things off. If you work together, go to school together, etc...

 

I'm sitting here on the receiving end missing her so much and hope she comes back to be honest. Regardless if I'm over her or not by the time she comes back I still wanna see how that goes.

 

And I think its the NC that makes them come back if anything because you are no longer there for them and they end up missing you.

[carhill]

Come crawling back? Unlikely, especially with regard to any longevity. Reconcile from a standpoint of mutual growth and renewed interest? Sometimes. When it does happen, it usually results in a completely new relationship, different from the one in the past. Since few folks post updates and such reconciliations take a lot of time, we're likely unaware of many. I've only read of a few in my time here, generally marriages. This matches my real life experiences with friends and acquaintances. Hope things work out

[goldenrainbow]

that has happened to me. But I have left a toxic relationship and in this type of relationships getting back together is common. I broke up, then went back to him, then broke up again and I'm now in a daily struggle not to get back to him.

[krymej]

I think the main thing i've learned on this forum in the short time is that it totally depends on the situation.

 

Whether you broke up with them or they broke up with you. How you left things off. If you work together, go to school together, etc...

 

I'm sitting here on the receiving end missing her so much and hope she comes back to be honest. Regardless if I'm over her or not by the time she comes back I still wanna see how that goes.

 

And I think its the NC that makes them come back if anything because you are no longer there for them and they end up missing you.

 

it sucks being in this situation, being the dumpee so to speak... i mean i learned from my previous breakups i did every mistake in the book text terrorism, phoning her calling her mother talking to her friends.... actually when i remind myself i kinda just lost it although it was a good lesson to learn.. we tried being friends.. only to go for a drink and just sit there listening to her exploits with other men that could give her everything i couldn't give her. then she came out as bisexual and after our relationship she needed counselling that was just a self esteem killer i felt like i put the poor girl through the relationship from hell! too be honest i learned the way she acted after we broke up i could never take her back and all her texts ect i just ignored her. good riddance i say.

 

well i moved on big time and i hit the gym worked on myself went on a rampage with other girls i looked in great physical condition. i eventually found peace and she's just a distant memory now i have matured a lot since and wont seek pleasure just to heal i have put that life behind me now and found faith.

 

didn't think i would be here again, but this time i am really putting experience into action having got over a breakup before i am just working hard on myself not confusing myself with "why" or finding answers just moving on and making use of NC, i suppose being mature and that has gotta be better than begging and pleading?

 

i just hope my ex does start to miss me and the moments we shared but i have to "disappear" for her to realise that... if she does she wanted a breakup and thats what i have to give her.

 

 

just wandering how many couples ever get back together you know?

[krymej]

Come crawling back? Unlikely, especially with regard to any longevity. Reconcile from a standpoint of mutual growth and renewed interest? Sometimes. When it does happen, it usually results in a completely new relationship, different from the one in the past. Since few folks post updates and such reconciliations take a lot of time, we're likely unaware of many. I've only read of a few in my time here, generally marriages. This matches my real life experiences with friends and acquaintances. Hope things work out

 

hey carhill thank you for your post

 

its a shame me and my girl have come to this, as we share so many interests and the same spiritual beliefs and its very rare to find that in society today. we even attend a development class togeather and she said it is what she has learned in the classes that has made her want to be just friends for now...

 

like you mentioned above about it being a new relationship i couldn't agree more as stronger foundations need to be put in place... to be truthful if she called me now saying she made a mistake i think i would definitely rush back in,

she still wants us to meet up and stuff, maybe she may find attraction for me if i am less available or at least respect that we share the same beliefs you know?

[carhill]

Part of growth is realizing there's no 'rush'. Strong foundations are built one step and one day at a time. Perhaps your paths will converge. Perhaps not. Only time will tell.

[krymej]

Part of growth is realizing there's no 'rush'. Strong foundations are built one step and one day at a time. Perhaps your paths will converge. Perhaps not. Only time will tell.

 

sorry i meant i "wouldn't" rush back in typo there,

 

IF we did get back it would be better we built a relationship on stronger grounds and take our time.

i will see if she contacts me again and see how she is with me when i see her at the development class next.

 

like you said only time will tell.

[robf1971]

How often is it that exes come back?

 

has anyone on this forum experienced exes come crawling back to them.. if so what was this that helped create this process?

 

many thanks

 

Krymej

 

It's happened very often with people I know, but these were relationships with kids involved. It happened in my first marriage, I was uncerimoniously kicked out in Sept 2001 and told "we were like roomates", by July 2002 she was begging me to try again.

 

What created this process? I think the fact that I detached and got my life up and running again very quickly and instead of pining for her back she could see I'd moved on. She then went crazy mad trying to get my attention eg fake suicide attempt, pretending to be mentally ill, which pushed me even further away. Finally, she went into IC and stopped blaming me for everything, she seemed to have changed so I took up her offer of moving back in. It lasted 4 months because my feelings for her had been completely destroyed.

[Graceful]

How often is it that exes come back?

 

has anyone on this forum experienced exes come crawling back to them.. if so what was this that helped create this process?

 

many thanks

 

Krymej

 

hiya Krymej,

 

Sometimes, when you miss the person and would do anything to get them back, it's easy to confuse wanting them or getting them back with making the relationship work or ending up with a successful relationship.

 

I have rarely, and I mean this quite seriously, rarely seen any examples of people who get together again and make it work.

 

There are loads of examples of people "crawling back" or getting back together for a little while, sure. But those relationships just fall apart again, the same way they did the first time.

 

The only reason and the only way the r/l would change, is if the people solve the issues that caused the collapse in the first place.

 

Taking someone back, or someone begging for another chance does not solve issues. All it does it put you back in the same situation, ready to fail again.

 

If the collapse was due to fixable issues, then there is chance. But you have to pay more than lip service to make the necessary changes. There is a "honeymoon" phase to getting back together, but invariably, if the issues are not confronted, things will go south all over again.

 

If the collapse was caused by non-fixable issues (there is such a thing as total lack of compatibility, lack of shared values, lack of shared goals (such as marriage, children, career goals); if someone has cheated and cannot really be trusted again, etc.), then you can get back together as many times as you can stand until you (hopefully) learn to stop. There are some couples that just do not belong together, period.

[krymej]

hey Graceful

 

thanks for the well informed reply.

 

it makes good sense, after reading what you wrote it makes me realise that whatever it is it must be something minor as we share the same beliefs dreams and goals for the future.

 

i suppose you have to break the pattern and create a better foundation if you want a future together.

 

i hope she does come back i am leaving her alone and giving her the space she deserves and that.

[krymej]

It's happened very often with people I know, but these were relationships with kids involved. It happened in my first marriage, I was uncerimoniously kicked out in Sept 2001 and told "we were like roomates", by July 2002 she was begging me to try again.

 

What created this process? I think the fact that I detached and got my life up and running again very quickly and instead of pining for her back she could see I'd moved on. She then went crazy mad trying to get my attention eg fake suicide attempt, pretending to be mentally ill, which pushed me even further away. Finally, she went into IC and stopped blaming me for everything, she seemed to have changed so I took up her offer of moving back in. It lasted 4 months because my feelings for her had been completely destroyed.

 

thank you for your reply and share of experience in this matter.

 

i think i take your advice in just moving on, and move my life in a positive direction it cant do no harm,

i had the same with an ex of mine she never asked me back but the way she was behaving made me realise i was better without her in my life and i deserve better.

i just hope its just a bump in the road for us and whatever it is we can iron out, i suppose i have to leave her to miss what we had... if she does that is

[Breakupguy12]

Well I think it's rare because saying "I wanna breakup" isn't something that people don't throw around lightly. If it gets to the point where that phrase or something similar comes up, some serious damage has been done, and in many instances it's unrepairable.

[BlackZeppelin]

I would agree that it all depends on how the relationship worked out, how it ended, and where they're at currently

 

If it was a relationship that was good, and all of a sudden it ended randomly because of feelings, your ex may come back to you through time.

 

However if your ex was pretty miserable throughout the relationship and they've found someone new and better, you prolly won't even get a thought.

[krymej]

I would agree that it all depends on how the relationship worked out, how it ended, and where they're at currently

 

If it was a relationship that was good, and all of a sudden it ended randomly because of feelings, your ex may come back to you through time.

 

However if your ex was pretty miserable throughout the relationship and they've found someone new and better, you prolly won't even get a thought.

 

Hey man

 

yeah it kinda just went off a bit towards the end you know but we had great fun together so i have great memories of us both as i am sure she has also.

 

she told me it doesn't mean we don't have a future she just needs some head space as she is so confused in her life right now... it just confused me that she text me 2 days after the split just making small talk... it just makes you wander of what there thinking you know

[SDA]

Hey man

 

yeah it kinda just went off a bit towards the end you know but we had great fun together so i have great memories of us both as i am sure she has also.

 

she told me it doesn't mean we don't have a future she just needs some head space as she is so confused in her life right now... it just confused me that she text me 2 days after the split just making small talk... it just makes you wander of what there thinking you know

 

I got those texts. I know it's confusing but if she felt differently she would have said so definitely. Just be cool

[krymej]

I got those texts. I know it's confusing but if she felt differently she would have said so definitely. Just be cool

 

hey SDA hows it going your end>?

 

i am just remaining cool, it not worth doing anything radical or out of hand here just giving her the space she deserves ect, but if there reaching out it makes you wander what is all means

[SDA]

hey SDA hows it going your end>?

 

i am just remaining cool, it not worth doing anything radical or out of hand here just giving her the space she deserves ect, but if there reaching out it makes you wander what is all means

 

Well on my end I have had the convo about us three times. Each time it was the same outcome but she said different things regarding her feelings towards me.

 

One day she was in love with me, one day she wasn't. I have come to realize that is not true love. She is young and confused. I was the first person she ever wanted to be with and she was the first person I loved. She said one day she loves me and the next she doesn't. So, no sh** she's confused.

 

Me being in college and her being in high school is obviously tough and I didn't expect it to last I'm just having trouble getting over it.

 

She said she needed to be alone and needed her space so I would give it to her and then every weekend since I've been home I've seen her.

 

The last time I saw her was the 27th and she was saying how it killed her that I was talking to other girls and how she just wanted to run and hug and kiss me when I walked into the party. We ended up kissing a bit but she kept saying she couldn't and would pull away then come back and hug me saying how hard it is for her. The idea of an open relationship came and went pretty quick.

 

So I told her I couldn't talk or see her anymore while I continue to feel this way and she doesn't.

 

From what I know she has been having sketchy relationships with her best girl friends when they leave her our sometimes and not many people in her grade like her at all for some reason. I don't know why because while I was with her she was great. We never fought while we were together over the summer and before school (January-August) but once i left things were hard when we couldn't see one another everyday.

 

When I would come home things were fine and when she came to visit they were fine also. Something clicked for her and I can't change that I have come to realize since when we talked I tried to reason with her and like you may have read it simply doesn't work.

 

Now I have cut her out of my life (not forever I hope) until i get over her. She needs to figure things out and I can't be there

 

Now with her high school troubles do I think she may wanna reconnect sooner than later? Yes and no. Yes in the sense of the GIGS reference but I'm gonna need a lot of time to figure that out if that day comes. And no because she's off to college next year and she said she doesn't want a boyfriend then.

 

It's tough because I'll run into her before next semester and I'll see her in-between next semester and the end of school. I can't predict what will happen but I need to move on as hard as it is and as much as I wanna be with her.

 

We both lost our virginities to each other and I know that we both do need to experience other people. it's hard to accept. But we have a connection.

 

She won't contact me for awhile I know this and I have no desire to at the moment but I just miss her a lot. I try to keep myself busy but I find myself thinking about her at all times. I know she won't be sleeping with other guys and even hooking up with other guys is a small possibility. If she does I already have so I can't get mad.

 

I just gotta ride this wave as hard as it is. I thought I wanted to be with this one girl before I met my ex (another long complicated story) and once she came alone the other girl was flushed away.

 

So feelings come and go. Within time.

[krymej]

thanks for sharing your story SDA

 

well i hold all hope for you i really do.

 

I have been where you are before too i was with a girl same age as your lady

and we spent about 1 1/2 yrs together i was older than her

and we did so much together.

i went through so much with her you know, her nan dying her dad trying to top himself she was in a hard place.

when we split there was no warning it was just click her minds changed... like you mentioned in your story SDA

im sure you have heard this by all the old farts but your both young and put it down to life experience. move on with your life mate there is so much to experience, the more you move on and get on with your own life the better mate. college is a real trying time in our life and with studies ect its hard to hold a serious relationship for some people.

 

its sounds in your story she still has feelings for you tho by the way she acts around you. and if she is jealous seeing you with other girls then she cant be over you. the more you play into her hands the more she will use and abuse this.. read up on "cat string theory"

 

i made every mistake in the book with my ex back then and she was my first love... but she is just a distant memory now.

[SDA]

I know she has feelings for me. I just see her breaking up with me so she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I don't know why.

[Fermentum]

Any reconciliation, if it did come, would have to be a long time down the line and only after you both have grown up a lot. It can be very hard to bury any hope, but it will be necessary in the short term. If the break up was mutual, or at least not hurtful, the prospect is there.

 

But right now you need to focus on you. I'm in a similar situation (Broke up due to moving away and being too young the next stage of commitment i.e. engagement), and it being mainly because of the move and not a dumper/dumpee situation, it has been very hard to not hope for the future. But it is something that must be put aside, for if you want an honest shot at it happening, focus on yourself right now, build yourself into the person you want to be. So that if she does come back into your life, it will be two people meeting as two more mature people and starting a more mature relationship.

 

Good luck.

[krymej]

Any reconciliation, if it did come, would have to be a long time down the line and only after you both have grown up a lot. It can be very hard to bury any hope, but it will be necessary in the short term. If the break up was mutual, or at least not hurtful, the prospect is there.

 

But right now you need to focus on you. I'm in a similar situation (Broke up due to moving away and being too young the next stage of commitment i.e. engagement), and it being mainly because of the move and not a dumper/dumpee situation, it has been very hard to not hope for the future. But it is something that must be put aside, for if you want an honest shot at it happening, focus on yourself right now, build yourself into the person you want to be. So that if she does come back into your life, it will be two people meeting as two more mature people and starting a more mature relationship.

 

Good luck.

 

thank you for your wise advice Fermentum

[TLCbear]

has anyone on this forum experienced exes come crawling back to them.. if so what was this that helped create this process?

 

I have once...and it took a year for him to come back. What helped created the process probably was the NC. He had broke up with me because he was going through some issues and needed to focus on that. Eventhough we were broken up, I still contacted him sometimes for about 3 months, but once he started to act distant, one day I simply stopped calling. Out of the blue, about 9 months later, I received a letter from him...and we started talking via phone, and later decided to get back together. However, it didn't last long, because my feelings for him was no longer the same.

 

 

My most recent relationship, I ended it because of my ex lies and cell phone, anyway, I went NC for about 3 weeks, in a weak moment, decided to give it another shot. It was going pretty good because we was taking things slow, re-dating each other, but a couple of weeks ago, things started to go down hill. So I totally agree with the poster who stated:

 

"Taking someone back, or someone begging for another chance does not solve issues. All it does it put you back in the same situation, ready to fail again."

 

And that is exactly what it seems like to me. I don't know for sure if he's doing the same thing he has before (because he does got alot going on), but I know I have caught him in a lie. I'm tired of talking about it...same thing over...so I guess this time, I have to be a whole lot stronger and determined to move on.

[fiat500]

I hear that reconciliations almost never happen if you were dumped brutally

[ginastar]

what do u mean by brutally