Extreme Pining

[GreenPolicy]

Lately since new years eve, I have been pining more than ever. Today is exactly 12 weeks since I last talked to her face to face and about 68 days of NC.

 

64 days of NC for me, 80 days since direction interaction/day of breakup. I feel like I am in the same place as you. I feel this vast emptiness. I wonder when I'll ever get over this and be able to love again. So we are exactly 4 days apart. Enough time has passed now that I realize she is not coming back and she will be/is dating other guys. That really stings, knowing you will be replaced and as each day goes by it becomes more and more of a certainty. 2.5 months is not much time for a dumpee to get over such intense heartache, but it's eons of time for an attractive female dumper to move on and date other guys.

Edited January 4, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[J0N]

64 days of NC for me, 80 days since direction interaction/day of breakup. I feel like I am in the same place as you. I feel this vast emptiness. I wonder when I'll ever get over this and be able to love again. So we are exactly 4 days apart. Enough time has passed now that I realize she is not coming back and she will be/is dating other guys. That really stings, knowing you will be replaced and as each day goes by it becomes more and more of a certainty. 2.5 months is not much time for a dumpee to get over such intense heartache, but it's eons of time for an attractive female dumper to move on and date other guys.

 

Exactly, its like a huge black hole. I have decided not to date until I feel like I am "fully healed." I do not want to bring anything negative onto another girl. However, if something awesome comes along before I am fully ready I will most*definitely*give her a chance. It is amazing to think that a 110lb girl could mentally kick my @$$ so hard. I bet she is having the time of her life right now, and has completely moved on. *Also, the feeling/thought of being replaced makes me feel like she lit me on fire, I am bet that she is dating other guys by now. I have to be really careful to not think about that because it can quickly ruin my entire day.

I need to start thinking about new ways to meet*people, and move forward with my life. I just feel like I am stuck spinning my wheels. It is a really sour feeling, it was even hard for me to finish my breakfast this morning, when I get really sad I have trouble eating. People have even been asking me what is wrong? Why am I always so gloomy, I do not think I am depressed I am*normally*a really happy guy. This has been one of the hardest things to deal with in my life, nothing else has been more emotionally and mentally draining on a day after day after month basis.

[GreenPolicy]

Exactly, its like a huge black hole. I have decided not to date until I feel like I am "fully healed." I do not want to bring anything negative onto another girl. However, if something awesome comes along before I am fully ready I will most*definitely*give her a chance. It is amazing to think that a 110lb girl could mentally kick my @$$ so hard. I bet she is having the time of her life right now, and has completely moved on. *Also, the feeling/thought of being replaced makes me feel like she lit me on fire, I am bet that she is dating other guys by now. I have to be really careful to not think about that because it can quickly ruin my entire day.

I need to start thinking about new ways to meet*people, and move forward with my life. I just feel like I am stuck spinning my wheels. It is a really sour feeling, it was even hard for me to finish my breakfast this morning, when I get really sad I have trouble eating. People have even been asking me what is wrong? Why am I always so gloomy, I do not think I am depressed I am*normally*a really happy guy. This has been one of the hardest things to deal with in my life, nothing else has been more emotionally and mentally draining on a day after day after month basis.

 

That is EXACTLY how I feel. Our only choice is to turn the focus to ourselves, getting involved in something, be it a church if you are religious, some sort of volunteer opportunity, taking up new interests and hobbies where we are likely to meet people, and stick to NC. NC is basically like a cast for our broken hearts. It prevents us from getting any news about our exes. News = Hurt. Even if our exes are still single, they are choosing that over being with us. I also feel like I'm spinning my wheels and like you, I also feel stuck. I want to be able to move forward and let go, but it's hard.

 

One of the worst feelings is looking back at our relationship. I'm not idealizing mine by any means, but it was very good for so long. In my case, she told her parents I was The One, wanted my parents to meet hers, introduced me to her biological father after having nothing to do with him for years. She would email me suggestions for wedding venues. She did all these things with me that she never did with any guy before. I know in my case that she did not contemplate her decision for months, but more like weeks. And my r/l fell apart when I began to move forward with plans to get formally engaged. You can read my story here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/

 

On an intellectual level, I realize I was involved with somebody who has "issues." I'm not trying to evade responsibility for my actions, but so many people have told me that this is not my fault and I didn't do anything wrong, that my ex has intimacy and commitment issues. I strongly suspect that she is doing a rebound thing by now and that stings, that she would rather do something emotionally shallow than settle down and marry me after she enthusiastically responded and initiated marriage talk for so long.

[ccfan]

Jon. i´m in the same boat... 60+ days of NC and all of the sudden i feel terrible again, makes me wonder if i´m going to be forever like this (sometimes feels like it for sure.....)

 

Let me ask you this: have you seen or heard news about your ex doesn´t matter how small or mundane?? have friends in common told you that they saw her at the mall/movies, etc..... doesn´t have to be important news just enough to reopen the wound..

 

I´m asking because when in hear even small news about my ex (and for me it´s harder as she´s a tv host) i feel weird for that day and for the next day or two or three i feel I´m back at day 1 of our breakup.....

 

Stay strong friend, keep on using NC.

[TheGrimSweeper]

Hey Jon I know exactly what you mean.

 

New Years day, after all my friends had left my place the night before, I was so down and sad just as bad when it first ended a month ago.

 

I cried in my room cause I was so down, I don't know what it was but it just hit me so hard.

[J0N]

That is EXACTLY how I feel. Our only choice is to turn the focus to ourselves, getting involved in something, be it a church if you are religious, some sort of volunteer opportunity, taking up new interests and hobbies where we are likely to meet people, and stick to NC. NC is basically like a cast for our broken hearts. It prevents us from getting any news about our exes. News = Hurt. Even if our exes are still single, they are choosing that over being with us. I also feel like I'm spinning my wheels and like you, I also feel stuck. I want to be able to move forward and let go, but it's hard.

 

One of the worst feelings is looking back at our relationship. I'm not idealizing mine by any means, but it was very good for so long. In my case, she told her parents I was The One, wanted my parents to meet hers, introduced me to her biological father after having nothing to do with him for years. She would email me suggestions for wedding venues. She did all these things with me that she never did with any guy before. I know in my case that she did not contemplate her decision for months, but more like weeks. And my r/l fell apart when I began to move forward with plans to get formally engaged. You can read my story here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/

 

On an intellectual level, I realize I was involved with somebody who has "issues." I'm not trying to evade responsibility for my actions, but so many people have told me that this is not my fault and I didn't do anything wrong, that my ex has intimacy and commitment issues. I strongly suspect that she is doing a rebound thing by now and that stings, that she would rather do something emotionally shallow than settle down and marry me after she enthusiastically responded and initiated marriage talk for so long.

 

Hey man, I understand where you are coming from. Sort of. November 23rd would have been our two year anniversary. I was planning to take her to the nicest restaurant in town and give her a “promise ring.” Cheesy, I know. But my plan was to propose to her around our 3 year anniversary. I would have proposed to her sooner, but I wanted to make sure that I was financially prepared to marry her (money issues are generally the leading cause for divorce, or so I thought). I had been saving money like it is going out of style; I wanted to make sure that my fiancé had a nice ring. Her parents loved me; I played golf with her dad and little brother. She told me that her mom was even beginning to suggest places where we should register. I thought sincerely, that this girl was going to be my wife. My parents also liked her; we come from similar demographics, same size family, same religion, etc. She was my world; I used to enjoy bragging to my friends about her. She came from a very sports loving family, so we would always watch college football together, and even go to games. We also had a ton of stuff in common, even the most random of things i.e. we both really liked black olives on pizza lol.

 

I think too that she made the decision to leave me in a matter of weeks. She got an offer for a job in California (where a good friend of hers lives), and she just flaked on me. I will say now, that it is her life to live as she chooses, I respect that. Also, over the last few months of our relationship, we did have some issues, but most of them could have been resolved. During the last couple of weeks, she refused to talk to me about the issues. The silliest part is, is that some of these things had happened months before, and she had already forgiven me for them (i.e. stuff like things I forgot, going out with the guys and having a few too many, etc.).

 

Anyways, she was really vague about why she wanted to break up. She gave conflicting reasons, which leads me to believe that maybe her friend (who totally sucks and is a train wreck) was one of the main drivers of her decision. She really sounded like she had not fully made up her mind, but wanted to save face in front of her friend or something. Anyways I can speculate all day about exactly why she broke up with me, I guess I can also run around in circles for three hours too.

 

I hate to say this but, I guess this is a good experience for me. I now know what it is like to love somebody that you truly care about. It is really tough. Maybe we are both better off to have our ex’s flake on us now rather than after we get married and have kids with this person. Either way this has been really tough, maybe it’s better to deal with it now that in the future? I have been running around in circles with pining, but I hope it subsides soon because it is really draining.

 

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and wonder “what if” L

 

Somebody please make this go away.

 

I hate it.

[J0N]

Jon. i´m in the same boat... 60+ days of NC and all of the sudden i feel terrible again, makes me wonder if i´m going to be forever like this (sometimes feels like it for sure.....)

 

Let me ask you this: have you seen or heard news about your ex doesn´t matter how small or mundane?? have friends in common told you that they saw her at the mall/movies, etc..... doesn´t have to be important news just enough to reopen the wound..

 

I´m asking because when in hear even small news about my ex (and for me it´s harder as she´s a tv host) i feel weird for that day and for the next day or two or three i feel I´m back at day 1 of our breakup.....

 

Stay strong friend, keep on using NC.

 

Yes, even the smallest of things bother me. I.e. If I see a car like hers, my heart skips a beat (even if it's a different color). To be completely honest we have been completely cut off since I went NC, for all I know she could have moved to another country. I looked at her FB about three weeks ago when I blocked it (just one last time), that's how I learned about her new job. From the five mins I looked at her profile, she appeared to be totally moved on and happy. I didn't sleep that night. After that I do not plan to snoop into her life anymore, I just can't take it.

 

As for your ex, tv news sucks anyway, just read it online or watch another channel.

[J0N]

I just remembered that I hadn't deleted her on LinkedIn. I bet I'm probably the first person to do that

[J0N]

Hey Jon I know exactly what you mean.

 

New Years day, after all my friends had left my place the night before, I was so down and sad just as bad when it first ended a month ago.

 

I cried in my room cause I was so down, I don't know what it was but it just hit me so hard.

 

Maybe this is some kind of holiday thing? I went like four good weeks and I now feel like I'm back at square one, and I didn't break NC!

[J0N]

Could she have GIGS or Cold Feet or is she just a cold flakey b!tch?

[ccfan]

Thanks for your words Jon! yes, i have her tv channel blocked on my tv, her show was a horrible superficial entertainment program (hope i´ll write my story soon)

 

Yes, I´m living EXACTLY the same things as you are... even the car example happens to me daily... if i´m not mistaken you are thinking about her in any situation: if she once told you she liked George Clooney movies, then everytime you see a picture of him i´ll become a trigger, if you go to the supermarket and see apples , you´ll remember that time you both went on a pinic and so on.... I think the key is to (easier said than done i know) change your focus everytime your mind wonders to that "dark side" ... i would suggest the rubber band on the wrist trick... it really helps a lot.

 

Oh and regarding FB please keep in mind that most people after a break up like to "pimp it" in order for them to give the impression they are living great lives now.. so don´t fall for those showy updates or those pics having the time of her life... it´s very likely that´s not their real life at all, i´m telling you this from my own experience.

 

And if you have mutual friends that are annoying to you by tagging her in pictures everyday, erase them too!!!!!

 

Stay strong my friend!! this will pass

Edited January 4, 2011 by ccfan

[J0N]

Thanks for your words Jon! yes, i have her tv channel blocked on my tv, her show was a horrible superficial entertainment program (hope i´ll write my story soon)

 

Yes, I´m living EXACTLY the same things as you are... even the car example happens to me daily... if i´m not mistaken you are thinking about her in any situation: if she once told you she liked George Clooney movies, then everytime you see a picture of him i´ll become a trigger, if you go to the supermarket and see apples , you´ll remember that time you both went on a pinic and so on.... I think the key is to (easier said than done i know) change your focus everytime your mind wonders to that "dark side" ... i would suggest the rubber band on the wrist trick... it really helps a lot.

 

Oh and regarding FB please keep in mind that most people after a break up like to "pimp it" in order for them to give the impression they are living great lives now.. so don´t fall for those showy updates or those pics having the time of her life... it´s very likely that´s not their real life at all, i´m telling you this from my own experience.

 

And if you have mutual friends that are annoying to you by tagging her in pictures everyday, erase them too!!!!!

 

Stay strong my friend!! this will pass

 

Well I am glad to hear that you have blocked her, its one giant leap in the right direction. I am a believer that TOTAL removal of somebody from your life is the only real way to get over them. I even blocked my ex on my email, so everything she sends me is automatically deleted. I blocked her from my FB on Dec 9, and I did send her an email basically saying that I was going away for a long time and I hoped that we could be friends in the future once everything had blown over. I ended it with “There is no need to respond,” and guess what she didn’t. Not a big shock there. I wasn’t really expecting her to.

 

You are spot on with the triggers, and since we traveled all over the country together and did all kinds of stuff together, there are literally thousands of them. I lost count a long time ago; they can be as insignificant as black olives, her car, road signs with the name of her home town on them, or anything that has to do with where she is moving. Worst part is, is that for work I am going to be traveling there ALL THE TIME. I tried the rubber band trick, but I got some pretty weird looks from people at work. Also, it sort of worked then I felt like I became numb to it.** It also made my wrist really itchy, lol.

 

I deleted her, her family, and put many of her friends who are only my friends by association on limited profile. I think the next time I go on, I will probably block them too. Anybody who is only my friend by association with her is getting the Facebook boot. Since I blocked her on Dec. 9, I have not gone on Facebook once. I have just sort of drifted away from it because there are literally hundreds of pictures of us together and I really do not want to sift through them one by one and delete them (tedious, and I just don’t feel like putting myself through it). I have even forgotten my password; I have it written down at home though. Facebook is just one of the thousands of things that remind me of her. I have hundreds of pictures on my laptop too, but there are even some of my previous exes, I never really use it or look at those anyways.

 

As for her “pimping it” on FB, the girl that I fell in love with would never have done something like that. With that said, the girl that I fell in love with would never have flaked on me, giving conflicting reasons, on such short notice either. I would imagine that she probably is, there is just no way that you could be as close as we were as long as we were and just walk away. Some of the pictures that I saw were taken DAYS after the breakup, so I am sure she was just trying to be strong and put on a good face.

 

The only thing I have left is one picture of us together at a wedding that somebody gave me. It is buried at the bottom of my closet at my parents’ house; it is the only thing that I plan on keeping. So years down the road I can have some sort of memory of this relationship. By the time I find it years down the road, I hope to be married to someone who is truly right for me, and I will probably just toss it anyways.

 

You guys and this forum have been a huge help. If I had not found it, I probably would have broken down by now and called her. I do not want to get back at her or try to make her “regret” anything. She must deal with the consequences of her decision, whether they are good or bad.

 

I still really miss her though; I am pretty good at talking a big game on here only to find myself pining about her like crazy a little while later.

Edited January 4, 2011 by J0N

[Mrlonelyone]

I want all of you to imagine this.

 

The woman I have wrote so much about here. She was the second person, after my own mother, to ride in my car... that I have had for six years. In essence anytime I get in the car, I get in a two ton reminder of her.

 

:-|

 

I eventually became immune to it.

[J0N]

I want all of you to imagine this.

 

The woman I have wrote so much about here. She was the second person, after my own mother, to ride in my car... that I have had for six years. In essence anytime I get in the car, I get in a two ton reminder of her.

 

:-|

 

I eventually became immune to it.

 

 

Yea, I get where your coming from. It is just so d@mn difficult to put these thoughts out of my mind. I know that it takes time and blah blah, but it is tough to deal with it in the here and now. Hence why i am posting on a coping forum. My car was a trigger but it is beginning to fade, some of the ones that come up more frequently are fading faster. I kinda wish someone would bonk me in the head and this would all go away. She really had a profound impact on my life, I am really beginning to feel the full effect of this now.

[ccfan]

I still really miss her though; I am pretty good at talking a big game on here only to find myself pining about her like crazy a little while later.[/QUOTE]

 

Jon. You are doing all the right things, and I too feel like I give advice to my friends or whomever it´s having the same rough time i´m having and usually they think i´m so centered and on the right track to recovery...

 

Reality is that I too feel weak A LOT and more than one time this holiday season i tought about writing to her... that´s why I come here and realize that if you and I contact our exes chances are we´ll hang up the phone feeling WAY worse that the 5 minutes before that... as you said... it was HER decision to end it and you should let her feel how life is without you around... i´m a hardcore believer of NEVER become friends with an EX, at least for a very long time.

 

You are stronger than me in the sense the you gave the FB boot to her family and friends, i haven´t... I only did that in my Blackberry messenger as i was sick of the pictures they had with her at discos and so on. Their friends often send me texts asking how I´m I doing... I´ll never know if she´s behind that or not...

 

Regarding the FB "pimping" in my case when she broke up with me she cried for hours, sent me really deep letters saying that right now is not the time but maybe in the future, to never get out of touch with her...etc.... all her friends told me that she was having such a hard time... and i bought it.... next thing i saw was a profile pic of her (a week after the break up) dancing in a disco with this "i´m having a great time" face when i knew she was having problems with work, money and so on... so i don´t buy that FB coolness that the dumpers always try to display...

 

I think you are doing all the right things to get over this girl.... maybe it´s the time of the year as i have hear so many people having a hard time these days.

 

Try to look and dress sharp, even if you don´t feel it... and I won´t advise you on sleeping with random girls as you´ll feel ten times worse the next day, and miss her more i did that mistake.

 

And I totally feel the same regarding the ilusion that she might have changed her mind and she´s just waiting for me to get in touch... but man, if they REALLY changed their minds they would certainly let us know... we have to face that hard fact.

 

In short I thing we are having a hard time mostly for the holiday season... i hope that once work and life get back to normal, the pain will be less... i hope...

 

P.s. sorry about my grammar as spanish it´s my main language

[J0N]

I still really miss her though; I am pretty good at talking a big game on here only to find myself pining about her like crazy a little while later.[/QUOTE]

 

Jon. You are doing all the right things, and I too feel like I give advice to my friends or whomever it´s having the same rough time i´m having and usually they think i´m so centered and on the right track to recovery...

 

Reality is that I too feel weak A LOT and more than one time this holiday season i tought about writing to her... that´s why I come here and realize that if you and I contact our exes chances are we´ll hang up the phone feeling WAY worse that the 5 minutes before that... as you said... it was HER decision to end it and you should let her feel how life is without you around... i´m a hardcore believer of NEVER become friends with an EX, at least for a very long time.

 

You are stronger than me in the sense the you gave the FB boot to her family and friends, i haven´t... I only did that in my Blackberry messenger as i was sick of the pictures they had with her at discos and so on. Their friends often send me texts asking how I´m I doing... I´ll never know if she´s behind that or not...

 

Regarding the FB "pimping" in my case when she broke up with me she cried for hours, sent me really deep letters saying that right now is not the time but maybe in the future, to never get out of touch with her...etc.... all her friends told me that she was having such a hard time... and i bought it.... next thing i saw was a profile pic of her (a week after the break up) dancing in a disco with this "i´m having a great time" face when i knew she was having problems with work, money and so on... so i don´t buy that FB coolness that the dumpers always try to display...

 

I think you are doing all the right things to get over this girl.... maybe it´s the time of the year as i have hear so many people having a hard time these days.

 

Try to look and dress sharp, even if you don´t feel it... and I won´t advise you on sleeping with random girls as you´ll feel ten times worse the next day, and miss her more i did that mistake.

 

And I totally feel the same regarding the ilusion that she might have changed her mind and she´s just waiting for me to get in touch... but man, if they REALLY changed their minds they would certainly let us know... we have to face that hard fact.

 

In short I thing we are having a hard time mostly for the holiday season... i hope that once work and life get back to normal, the pain will be less... i hope...

 

P.s. sorry about my grammar as spanish it´s my main language

 

 

I do feel a bit better today but i ate lunch with a friend at the restaurant were we celebrated our last anniversary together. I was pining the entire time, staring at the table we sat at. I feel like a big paper tiger, when it comes to all of this. It sucks right now, I really have nowhere where any girls my age hang out. I need to start meeting new people but I just don't even know where to start.

[ccfan]

Sorry to hear about that Jon. May I ask how old are you?? 34 here.

 

I totally hear you man, the last dinner i had with my ex was in this restaurant at a shopping mall that i go a lot, so everytime i go there i stare at "our" table and even at her chair... not fun for sure y feel this emptyness inside. Coulnd´t you ask your friend to go to another place??? try to avoid those type of situations.

 

But on the other hand I´m glad to hear you had a good day, I had a good one here as well... so hopefully the good ones are going to be more and more present than the bad ones

[J0N]

I'm 25, I just got a great job where I am at now. The only problem is that I don't know anyone and I feel really isolated I am not from here and I don't know anyone. She is finishing up grad school here and the plan was that she was going to get a job here after grad school, she even got an offer. Then we would get married and think about starting a family. I basically had all my ducks lined up, then everything fell apart. I am so lonely. Today was pretty good, I know I am young but this girl was really special to me. I guess I wasn't to her.

[ccfan]

I'm 25, I just got a great job where I am at now. The only problem is that I don't know anyone and I feel really isolated I am not from here and I don't know anyone. She is finishing up grad school here and the plan was that she was going to get a job here after grad school, she even got an offer. Then we would get married and think about starting a family. I basically had all my ducks lined up, then everything fell apart. I am so lonely. Today was pretty good, I know I am young but this girl was really special to me. I guess I wasn't to her.

 

Well... once again: same here. I was looking forward to one more year of dating and then I was ready to propose... now that i look in perspective i´m glad that i dodged that bullet (or that the bullet dodged me) because i rather suffer a lot now than to have my live screwed forever with a house, kids, etc...because of being married with the wrong person.

 

JON i think you should feel the same way about this girl that didn´t even give you a solid reason for breaking up ... even if you are hurting a lot now you got out clean of what could have been potentially a nightmare later on.

 

Sounds like you have a lot going on for you man, young with a kick a## job and believe me the girls WILL appear as soon as your head is in the right place... I gess as for now you (like me) have to let time do the healing and put your time to good use, stay NC at all times because it´s very likely that she will get in touch just to test the waters, stay strong man.

 

Did she use the clasic "lets remain friends" when you guys broke up??

 

Also keep in mind that dating girls is not what you need right now.. hanging with them.. absolutely, but not dating. I did that mistake and went crazy dating a lot and sleeping around a lot, the results were horrible mornings after thinking even more about my ex and comparing her with the girl i just slept with.. didn´t do the trick for me.

 

Stay strong.

Edited January 6, 2011 by ccfan

[J0N]

Well... once again: same here. I was looking forward to one more year of dating and then I was ready to propose... now that i look in perspective i´m glad that i dodged that bullet (or that the bullet dodged me) because i rather suffer a lot now than to have my live screwed forever with a house, kids, etc...because of being married with the wrong person.

 

JON i think you should feel the same way about this girl that didn´t even give you a solid reason for breaking up ... even if you are hurting a lot now you got out clean of what could have been potentially a nightmare later on.

 

Sounds like you have a lot going on for you man, young with a kick a## job and believe me the girls WILL appear as soon as your head is in the right place... I gess as for now you (like me) have to let time do the healing and put your time to good use, stay NC at all times because it´s very likely that she will get in touch just to test the waters, stay strong man.

 

Did she use the clasic "lets remain friends" when you guys broke up??

 

Also keep in mind that dating girls is not what you need right now.. hanging with them.. absolutely, but not dating. I did that mistake and went crazy dating a lot and sleeping around a lot, the results were horrible mornings after thinking even more about my ex and comparing her with the girl i just slept with.. didn´t do the trick for me.

 

Stay strong.

 

She didn’t give me a solid reason but I sort of know why she did break up with me. I didn’t know this at the time, but she applied for jobs all over the country, she also got an offer in California. She has a sister there and another friend, only trouble is that they would all be in different cities.* So maybe she thought the grass would be greener out there and didn’t want to stay where I am now. I think she really wanted to move out there, and didn’t really have any solid reasons to break up with me so she just gave me whatever came to mind.

 

Ultimately I know that anyone who would flake on me to go and be with their friends in sunny California is not somebody who I can spend my life with. I think she was a little immature about things as well, it seemed like even though she was 24 she would always run home to her parents whenever she had a problem. She was terrible at dealing with problems. Maybe her going to California is just her running away.

 

Today marks 77 Days of NC (11 weeks). I agree that staying strictly NC is the correct thing to do. But I do not think that she will test the fence at all, she has not done anything. Nothing. She did mail me some stuff back after three weeks, but I hardly consider that testing the fence. At the end, she never really said that “We should just be friends,” rather “I do not want you completely out of my life.” Funny, she has made no attempt to keep me in her life, so I think she probably just felt guilty for giving me the ax, and that feeling has now more than likely faded.

 

I do not plan to date anyone for a long time; the trouble is I do not really know any girls my age. This may sound strange, but I am trying to keep my “roster” low. I want to get married and stay married someday. I need to get out there and make some new friends; I just don’t know where to start.

 

Thanks for all of your advice, it has been quite helpful!

[J0N]

Maybe her running away was her being afraid of taking the next step in our relationship. If we had stayed together it would have required a major increase in our commitment to each other (I was fine with that, and I thought she was too). Maybe she saw California as a way to escape making a commitment, kind of like when she had a problem she would run away from it (like going home to her parents). I have always been one to confront problems head on, and deal with them. From past experience when you ignore problems, they tend to blow up in your face big time later.

 

I remember talking to her at first and her being really hesitant about ending the relationship but she mentioned a conversation with her friend who lives in California already and she told her “X, you can’t be afraid to let go.” Days later… we were through. So her friend who is single and miserable may have convinced her to drop me too (misery loves company??).

 

I am really bummed out that I was basically dropped so that she could go hang out in California. I am pretty sure she got a better job offer here too. I think I could have made her really happy. But I guess her actions are proof that I couldn’t.

 

Thoughts??

[J0N]

How can somebody that you have been with for nearly two years decide to end things after they have been so good for so long in only a matter of days/weeks, (keep in mind that she seemed incredibly unsure about it at the time, and she gave me what seemed like cheesy excuses to break up) just walk away and not so much as even look back. I bent over backwards for this girl, I feel so used.*

[GreenPolicy]

How can somebody that you have been with for nearly two years decide to end things after they have been so good for so long in only a matter of days/weeks, (keep in mind that she seemed incredibly unsure about it at the time, and she gave me what seemed like cheesy excuses to break up) just walk away and not so much as even look back. I bent over backwards for this girl, I feel so used.*

 

Because they are making decisions based on fear and emotion. One of the things that I have had drilled into me about my b/u from friends and family is that there are essentially no answers. You are looking for logic in a situation where none is present. You are trying to rationalize and make sense out of something that cannot be rationalized and understood. Like you, my ex came to her decision in a matter of weeks, not months.

 

When we reach certain milestones in relationships, one of two things happen. Either both people are ready to love each other unconditionally and take the next step forward in cementing their bond...or for one of the partners, for whatever reason, due to their nature and essential makeup, doubt begins to creep in, they don't feel worthy/feel like they are missing out on something, and so they leave. Our exes took the second route.

 

It is no coincidence that for both of us, our relationships fell apart at the point where you take things forward and deepen the commitment.

[GreenPolicy]

Yea, I think it has to do with the time of year but i am 70+ of NC and I haven't felt this $h!tty since the first few days. I really want to call her but I know I can't and I won't. I guess I am still coming to grips with the fact that she just said adios one day and never so much as looked back, not even once. I put everything I had into our 2 year relationship (sure it wasn't perfect) only to have her spit in my face at the end.

 

It's funny you say this. I have been pretty strong with NC but lately have had stronger urges to contact her than before. I won't of course, but maybe it's because enough time has passed now that I realize she won't be coming back. Last thing I want to do is call her up and find out she's seeing somebody else.

[J0N]

Because they are making decisions based on fear and emotion. One of the things that I have had drilled into me about my b/u from friends and family is that there are essentially no answers. You are looking for logic in a situation where none is present. You are trying to rationalize and make sense out of something that cannot be rationalized and understood. Like you, my ex came to her decision in a matter of weeks, not months.

 

When we reach certain milestones in relationships, one of two things happen. Either both people are ready to love each other unconditionally and take the next step forward in cementing their bond...or for one of the partners, for whatever reason, due to their nature and essential makeup, doubt begins to creep in, they don't feel worthy/feel like they are missing out on something, and so they leave. Our exes took the second route.

 

It is no coincidence that for both of us, our relationships fell apart at the point where you take things forward and deepen the commitment.

 

I know that there is no logic present in this situation, but wouldn’t you think that if she loved me at all and made a rash “shot from the hip” decision that she would eventually realize that it was a mistake? Whenever I make rash decisions with little or no thought, I usually regret them and try to fix them. I guess our ex’s don’t feel this way? Or maybe they are too afraid to come back and admit that they made a mistake? Or they really are happier without us…