Extreme Pining

[TheGrimSweeper]

I remember talking to her at first and her being really hesitant about ending the relationship but she mentioned a conversation with her friend who lives in California already and she told her “X, you can’t be afraid to let go.” Days later… we were through. So her friend who is single and miserable may have convinced her to drop me too (misery loves company??).

 

 

Thoughts??

 

I know this all too well. In the weeks leading up to our breakup my ex was hanging out with a friend who just broke up with her BF from a long term relationship all the time, literally 3-4 times a week. Half the time I would come over she was there and you could tell she was unhappy seeing us together being all happy.

[GreenPolicy]

I know that there is no logic present in this situation, but wouldn’t you think that if she loved me at all and made a rash “shot from the hip” decision that she would eventually realize that it was a mistake? Whenever I make rash decisions with little or no thought, I usually regret them and try to fix them. I guess our ex’s don’t feel this way? Or maybe they are too afraid to come back and admit that they made a mistake? Or they really are happier without us…

 

I have heard many women say "It just doesn't feel right" when it comes to justifying a decision. I know a female friend of mine who said she woke up one morning and decided she had to end her marriage, it was a strong feeling that she couldn't shake. When that happens, there is little you can do. They are relying on intuition and feelings. I hate to gender stereotype, but I think women are more likely to make snap judgments and because it's based on strongly held feelings and emotions, they are likely to stick to it. She probably can't articulate it herself quite why she decided to leave you, and probably doesn't completely understand herself, just that she felt it was the right thing to do.

 

They may someday come to regret their decision or maybe not. They've moved on and will be with somebody else at some point. The only thing we control is ourselves. Let's heal and move on and date somebody else. People tend not to downgrade in relationships. It's hard to imagine now, but if you do the hard work of facing your pain and grieving and working on yourself, you will eventually meet somebody else, somebody who will knock your socks off and make you forget about your ex.

 

Also, if she came back at this point, considering how she appears to have flaked out, how could you trust her to not do it again? That's where I'm at with mine. I would be walking on egg shells wondering when she'd leave again.

[J0N]

It's funny you say this. I have been pretty strong with NC but lately have had stronger urges to contact her than before. I won't of course, but maybe it's because enough time has passed now that I realize she won't be coming back. Last thing I want to do is call her up and find out she's seeing somebody else.

 

Yea, I really do not know what is causing this (I have not broken NC once). Maybe the new year? Or maybe I am beginning to let go of the false hope that she may come back? Either way, the urges have been so strong lately that I have had a lot of trouble resisting the urge to call her. I really miss her. I cannot believe her and her family will no longer be apart of my life. I imagine what you said before about her making this decision out of fear and emotion (plus listening to the advice of her idiot, train-wreck, hopelessly single friend)

 

Her sister broke up with her boyfriend about three weeks before we broke up, and since they were pretty close in age I imagine that that may have also have played a factor in this whole episode.

 

I wonder if there is any sort of scientific reason or explanation, why pining would suddenly come back with a vengeance after nearly 3 months or so of total NC...

[J0N]

I have heard many women say "It just doesn't feel right" when it comes to justifying a decision. I know a female friend of mine who said she woke up one morning and decided she had to end her marriage, it was a strong feeling that she couldn't shake. When that happens, there is little you can do. They are relying on intuition and feelings. I hate to gender stereotype, but I think women are more likely to make snap judgments and because it's based on strongly held feelings and emotions, they are likely to stick to it. She probably can't articulate it herself quite why she decided to leave you, and probably doesn't completely understand herself, just that she felt it was the right thing to do.

 

They may someday come to regret their decision or maybe not. They've moved on and will be with somebody else at some point. The only thing we control is ourselves. Let's heal and move on and date somebody else. People tend not to downgrade in relationships. It's hard to imagine now, but if you do the hard work of facing your pain and grieving and working on yourself, you will eventually meet somebody else, somebody who will knock your socks off and make you forget about your ex.

 

Also, if she came back at this point, considering how she appears to have flaked out, how could you trust her to not do it again? That's where I'm at with mine. I would be walking on egg shells wondering when she'd leave again.

 

Amen. I think you hit it right on the head. I guess the only closure that we will ever get is that we will never truly know the answers to anything, and If we go looking for them it will probably only hurt us. I kinda think your "snap" decision making is what happened here. Because at the time her leaving made absolutely no sense at all, maybe she just decided on a whim that she wanted something else. She did say when we were texting (during breakup, we broke up over text messages, lame) "I absolutely hate this" almost like someone or something made the decision for her, but she was totally unwavering, never went back on it, not even for a second.

 

Also, if she did ever come back it would never be the same. I would never really trust her again. How could I believe anything she said. She said she wanted to get married soon, and have kids. Only a couple weeks later she decided to take on a two year position at a company in California, which even if we stayed together would have completely over turned all of our plans. She had a really weird habit towards the end of saying she wanted something and doing another. I guess this is all wishful thinking.

 

We need to come up with a way to just put our ex's and their problems behind us, so that if one day they ever come back we literally just wont care.

[GreenPolicy]

 

I wonder if there is any sort of scientific reason or explanation, why pining would suddenly come back with a vengeance after nearly 3 months or so of total NC...

 

Because in the beginning stages of a breakup you harbor hopes of getting back together. It's a necessary coping mechanism to avoid feeling total despair and depression. Then as time goes on, she doesn't come back, it begins to sink in that she's gone for good, and you start feeling worse. And as men, we are doers and fixers. We have a hard time accepting that this is a situation that we don't have control over. So there is a natural urge to want to do something about it.

 

Just know that every time you contact your ex before they contact you, it lowers your value in their eyes. You are the sad sack ex who cannot let go and they will never feel regret or remorse for their decision. It will confirm to them that they made the right call in cutting you loose. You may never get them back, but if you play the breakup right, you will always have their respect. And only by retaining their respect do you leave the door open to a reunion.

 

This feeling worse is a necessary stage in recovery and it's natural to feel this way. It's the darkness before the dawn. Think of it in a way as progress that you've hit this stage, even though it hurts. In the meantime, focus on you. Are you going to the gym? That has both physical and mental benefits. Are you hanging out with friends and building up your support network? These are the people who will be with you whether you're single or in a r/l. What new hobbies are you cultivating? Are you getting involved in something?

 

You will never meet anybody new or feel better if you're pining after you ex sitting alone in your apt/house, playing video games and masturbating. For our sakes, we have to move forward and keep our focus there. Looking backwards is to our detriment. Easier said than done, I'm in a lot of pain right now myself. But I feel like I'm making some progress.

[J0N]

Because in the beginning stages of a breakup you harbor hopes of getting back together. It's a necessary coping mechanism to avoid feeling total despair and depression. Then as time goes on, she doesn't come back, it begins to sink in that she's gone for good, and you start feeling worse. And as men, we are doers and fixers. We have a hard time accepting that this is a situation that we don't have control over. So there is a natural urge to want to do something about it.

 

Just know that every time you contact your ex before they contact you, it lowers your value in their eyes. You are the sad sack ex who cannot let go and they will never feel regret or remorse for their decision. It will confirm to them that they made the right call in cutting you loose. You may never get them back, but if you play the breakup right, you will always have their respect. And only by retaining their respect do you leave the door open to a reunion.

 

This feeling worse is a necessary stage in recovery and it's natural to feel this way. It's the darkness before the dawn. Think of it in a way as progress that you've hit this stage, even though it hurts. In the meantime, focus on you. Are you going to the gym? That has both physical and mental benefits. Are you hanging out with friends and building up your support network? These are the people who will be with you whether you're single or in a r/l. What new hobbies are you cultivating? Are you getting involved in something?

 

You will never meet anybody new or feel better if you're pining after you ex sitting alone in your apt/house, playing video games and masturbating. For our sakes, we have to move forward and keep our focus there. Looking backwards is to our detriment. Easier said than done, I'm in a lot of pain right now myself. But I feel like I'm making some progress.

 

You are absolutely right. We are doers and fixers and it bothers the #$%^ out of me when I encounter situations that I have absolutely no control over. This is a prime example. The feeling that she is never coming back is really beginning to sink in, and it is really depressing.

Since me and my ex broke up (the day after when I told her that I was “stepping back for a while”) I have only contacted her in any way twice, the first was asking her to resign on the iPhone game “words with friends” because she had not played me back in a couple of weeks. The second time was me sending her an email when I blocked her on FB, which basically said that “I am sorry that I have to do this, I am not trying to spite you or anything, but I am doing this for me. You will always hold a special place in my heart. There is no need to respond to this message.” In hindsight I wish I had just blocked her and not sent this message but I, can’t take it back now. So hopefully she won’t see me as weak in her eyes, I basically just told her this is what I am doing, have a nice day.

I hope she doesn’t think to herself that she made the right call cutting me loose, but who knows. I hope she at least still respects me, but who knows I may have blown it.

Even though I have a pretty good job now, I am applying for some jobs in another city to try and get away from all of this. If this works out, we will literally be on opposite sides of the country, so I do not imagine us ever reconciling (which bums me out) but I will hopefully meet lots of new girls and move forward with my life.

I really hope that this is the ‘brief’ darkness before the dawn!

I have honestly been really busy with work and everything that I have not had much free time to go out. I have spent a lot of time at home by myself, but I have to study for a bunch of licenses for my job which totally sucks.

Like you said, this is easier said than done. I have made progress but it seems like it has taken forever to get this far.

[GreenPolicy]

I hope she doesn’t think to herself that she made the right call cutting me loose, but who knows. I hope she at least still respects me, but who knows I may have blown it.

 

She obviously thinks she made the right call if she hasn't contacted you trying to get back together. From what you describe, I think she does still respect you, it doesn't sound like you resorted to text-message terrorism and the begging/pleading "I can change for you" routine.

 

The best thing to do is NC and assume the breakup is permanent. In time you will become indifferent to her. I think in both our cases, the chances of a reconciliation in the short to medium term is nonexistent. The only way it could work is if down the line, many months or even a couple of years from now, they regret their decision and think back to what they had with us. But by that time, we should have healed and moved on and no longer care about getting back together. You can't sit around waiting for a moment that may never come. Never put your life on hold for somebody who has made it clear that you are not a priority to them.

[J0N]

She obviously thinks she made the right call if she hasn't contacted you trying to get back together. From what you describe, I think she does still respect you, it doesn't sound like you resorted to text-message terrorism and the begging/pleading "I can change for you" routine.

 

The best thing to do is NC and assume the breakup is permanent. In time you will become indifferent to her. I think in both our cases, the chances of a reconciliation in the short to medium term is nonexistent. The only way it could work is if down the line, many months or even a couple of years from now, they regret their decision and think back to what they had with us. But by that time, we should have healed and moved on and no longer care about getting back together. You can't sit around waiting for a moment that may never come. Never put your life on hold for somebody who has made it clear that you are not a priority to them.

 

Wow. That busted my bubble. But it’s her life, I am pretty sure that she will regret this decision. I treated her like an angel and was the first guy in her life to ever do so. She had only ever dated losers before me, but hey, that’s her problem now… not mine.

As soon as we broke up, there were some text messages (like that day) but the next day I realized where this was going to go, so I cut off contact. The last thing she said to me was that “You will always hold a place in my heart.” So I think she probably does still respect me, I don’t know what it was but something told me to just cut off contact. I broke up with a girl several years ago and she was a text message terrorist, and it only drove me even further away. That was nearly 5 years ago, and I have not so much as spoken to her since.

I am now starting to deal fully with the reality that this breakup is permanent. I hope you are too. This sucks, but I always knew deep down that our chances of ever reconciling are really slim. Honestly, I don’t even ever expect to see her ever again. I hope if I ever see her again, I have fully moved on and am seeing someone else.

The last sentence of your post really drives it home “Never put your life on hold for somebody who has made it clear that you are not a priority to them.” I think I needed somebody like you (GreenPolicy) to be sort of brutally honest with me about this whole situation, I think in my mind I still sugar coat things and it is only slowing me down.

Either way our situation totally sucks @$$, there is nothing we can do other than nothing. Our ex’s are never coming back and it’s time to put them behind us and move on. The problem is that this is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much easier said than done. Sorry if it seems like I am running around in circles with all of this, I guess it’s just my way of dealing with things.

[GreenPolicy]

Wow. That busted my bubble. But it’s her life, I am pretty sure that she will regret this decision. I treated her like an angel and was the first guy in her life to ever do so. She had only ever dated losers before me, but hey, that’s her problem now… not mine.

As soon as we broke up, there were some text messages (like that day) but the next day I realized where this was going to go, so I cut off contact. The last thing she said to me was that “You will always hold a place in my heart.” So I think she probably does still respect me, I don’t know what it was but something told me to just cut off contact. I broke up with a girl several years ago and she was a text message terrorist, and it only drove me even further away. That was nearly 5 years ago, and I have not so much as spoken to her since.

I am now starting to deal fully with the reality that this breakup is permanent. I hope you are too. This sucks, but I always knew deep down that our chances of ever reconciling are really slim. Honestly, I don’t even ever expect to see her ever again. I hope if I ever see her again, I have fully moved on and am seeing someone else.

The last sentence of your post really drives it home “Never put your life on hold for somebody who has made it clear that you are not a priority to them.” I think I needed somebody like you (GreenPolicy) to be sort of brutally honest with me about this whole situation, I think in my mind I still sugar coat things and it is only slowing me down.

Either way our situation totally sucks @$$, there is nothing we can do other than nothing. Our ex’s are never coming back and it’s time to put them behind us and move on. The problem is that this is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much easier said than done. Sorry if it seems like I am running around in circles with all of this, I guess it’s just my way of dealing with things.

 

My feelings are pretty much the same as yours: it's unfair (to me, maybe not to her), it hurts like hell, it doesn't make any sense when she was very happy and content up until a few weeks before it ended. I understand that falling out of love and drifting apart happens, but that is process that usually takes months, if not years, and she could not have faked loving me and wanting to get married.

 

We have to listen to our heads and not our hearts in a time like this. In my case, the point has been made to me that my ex is not the most emotionally stable person, and it's better for this to happen now than after I put a ring on her finger, walked down the aisle with her, took out a mortgage with her and we had kids together. I saved myself future pain with her decision. It also helps to know that she has intimacy/commitment issues and this is not my fault, and that a marriage with her would likely have been unhappy and short-lived. We are hurting because our hearts are hurting.

[ccfan]

JON.. what GreenPolicy is sayin is spot on in my opinion.

 

1. We cannot (and believe me I´m SO guilty of this) over analyze every little detail of the break up because her decision was made out of emotions and not solid reasons... you will only go crazy and mentally exausted if you keep doing that ... but keep in mind that sadly i´m not practicing what i´m preaching

 

2. We are feeling SO bad at this stage of NC (i´m going around day 75) because even if we were saying before that we didn´t want to hear from them , inside we were hoping to hear and to get back together, so at this stage the reality that it´s over sinks in, also that sooner or later you´ll hear about her new BF and so on doesn´t help either... simple as that... hell i even though about getting in touch with my ex on feb 5 because that was the day i met her last year.... hope i´ll be strong enough to never do it.

 

3. Her "single friend" for sure wasn´t telling her to get back to you. That´s a given.

 

4. Maybe she regrets her decision... maybe not... i´m sure she misses you but so far none of our exes misses us enough to pick up the phone and rebuild this... and when all is said and done we CANNOT beg for love, never ever under no condition, that´s what keeps me strong in my NC

 

5. you heard this 1,000 times alreday but one more time: the only chance to get together with an ex is showing backbone and in our position the only way to do that is to not become friends and stay NC, unless you invent the next facebook or something this is really the only way to go to have them back, NEVER by begging.

 

As for me my new mental nightmare is that her younger sister got engaged so i´m dreading the moment (hopefully by that time i will not care) of seeing or hearing my ex brought a date to the wedding... oh well....

 

stay strong!!

Edited January 7, 2011 by ccfan

[J0N]

Thanks guys, you have really been a huge help. Ccfan I bet your ex will just take a friend to that wedding, hopefully by then you won't care anyways

[TheGrimSweeper]

JON.. what GreenPolicy is sayin is spot on in my opinion.

 

1. We cannot (and believe me I´m SO guilty of this) over analyze every little detail of the break up because her decision was made out of emotions and not solid reasons... you will only go crazy and mentally exausted if you keep doing that ... but keep in mind that sadly i´m not practicing what i´m preaching

 

2. We are feeling SO bad at this stage of NC (i´m going around day 75) because even if we were saying before that we didn´t want to hear from them , inside we were hoping to hear and to get back together, so at this stage the reality that it´s over sinks in, also that sooner or later you´ll hear about her new BF and so on doesn´t help either... simple as that... hell i even though about getting in touch with my ex on feb 5 because that was the day i met her last year.... hope i´ll be strong enough to never do it.

 

3. Her "single friend" for sure wasn´t telling her to get back to you. That´s a given.

 

4. Maybe she regrets her decision... maybe not... i´m sure she misses you but so far none of our exes misses us enough to pick up the phone and rebuild this... and when all is said and done we CANNOT beg for love, never ever under no condition, that´s what keeps me strong in my NC

 

5. you heard this 1,000 times alreday but one more time: the only chance to get together with an ex is showing backbone and in our position the only way to do that is to not become friends and stay NC, unless you invent the next facebook or something this is really the only way to go to have them back, NEVER by begging.

 

As for me my new mental nightmare is that her younger sister got engaged so i´m dreading the moment (hopefully by that time i will not care) of seeing or hearing my ex brought a date to the wedding... oh well....

 

stay strong!!

 

Very true post I'm also guilty of overanalyzing every last thing. Still do it.

[ccfan]

JON. I think you, TheGrimSWeeper, GreenPolicy and I are dealing with the same pain. Yes, I too hope that in six months or whenever that wedding is. I will be indifferent to her at all or at least its just going to be annoying to me, nothing more. Thanks man.

 

@GreenPolicy. Great posts, really useful info, I´m a lot like JON in the sense i feel like i´m going crazy that the more time it passes the worse I feel.... I think we are rigth on track to recovery by staying NC and i too think this "dark times" are just the drakness before the dawn like you just said

 

@Grim Sweeper thanks! i have a similar version of your EX´s friend that was single and probably wanting you guys to split too, just that in my case it was a dude who was her "best friend"... in my head he was after my GF but since he had all against him (no money, no looks, no car, dead end job, etc) he just was her "best friend".... i feel that this kind of friends could be a real bad influence as you can see a mile away they do not want anyone to be happy.

 

JON stick to NC no matter how hard this is for you... you will make it bro... we will all make it.

Edited January 8, 2011 by ccfan

[blover]

all of us here are in the same boat. We gave our exes all the love that we could, we cared about them, treated them like angels and in return got betrayed, mistreated and lied upon. They simply turned out to be heartless...I still love my ex too..i love her thoroughly and completely,even after what she has done to me. But i am trying to move on..its hard man...its so fking hard...

[SDA]

Been having a rough couple of days. I need to go back to school.

[J0N]

Honestly, did you think maybe a month or so before your ex left you that they could be so heartless.

[SDA]

If my ex decided to be a bitch to me I wouldn't allow her to do that.

[blover]

@Jon - actually in my case, yes i knew she could be heartless...she was to me quite a few times when we were together...but love...

[J0N]

I am out with my friends. All I can think about is her. This is paralyzing. I miss her, I miss feeling happy, I miss myself...

[J0N]

I know what to do, to get over her. I just cannot stop thinking about her. She is glued into my mind

[J0N]

I just noticed (sorry if this offends anyone) that I am now an established member on a coping forum. Again apologies if this offends. FML

[AC06]

I just noticed (sorry if this offends anyone) that I am now an established member on a coping forum. Again apologies if this offends. FML

 

I can think of a ****load of worse ways to deal with your pain, believe me. Being an established member on a coping forum isn't the worst thing in the world, in fact it's a big positive.

[J0N]

@Jon - actually in my case, yes i knew she could be heartless...she was to me quite a few times when we were together...but love...

 

Yea sometimes my ex would be unnecessarily bitchy towards me... But I thought this was just part of love...

[J0N]

I can think of a ****load of worse ways to deal with your pain, believe me. Being an established member on a coping forum isn't the worst thing in the world, in fact it's a big positive.

 

You are right, I'm not trying to rag on anyone or this forum. I just feel kinda lonely right now. Knowing that my ex is probably having the time of her life and has totally forgotten my existence just kills me inside.

[J0N]

all of us here are in the same boat. We gave our exes all the love that we could, we cared about them, treated them like angels and in return got betrayed, mistreated and lied upon. They simply turned out to be heartless...I still love my ex too..i love her thoroughly and completely,even after what she has done to me. But i am trying to move on..its hard man...its so fking hard...

 

I feel EXACTLY the same way