Extreme Pining

[J0N]

These days I feel like I am never going to meet another nice girl and feel like this forever. Single and miserable.

[BlindRage]

These days I feel like I am never going to meet another nice girl and feel like this forever. Single and miserable.

 

You and me both.

[J0N]

frowny face that is how I feel. ( she would have thought that was cute)

[Mrlonelyone]

I know how you both feel.

 

What's worse is... the woman I pine for I lost a while ago, have dated others, and know that so far it hasn't really been better. She made me tingle all over just to be in the same room with her...now I think unless I feel that tingle from someone else... I will never really be over her.

[J0N]

I jus cannot imagine her NOT being apart of my life. I (did/still do) love her so much.

[KYoung2200]

My ex had these absolutely gorgeous eyes. A blue/yellow swirled mix. I will miss looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her. She also gives good hugs. Will I ever find someone as special? I hope so...

[J0N]

My ex also had beautiful eyes and the cuteest laugh, it melted my heart. Still does. I feel so lost without her

[J0N]

I am just so lost, I feel like her and I were meant to be together. I feel so lost.

[suddendumpee]

Ditto to everything that has been said in this thread. EVERYTHING reminds me of my ex. I'm exhibiting symptoms of PTSD in that I want to avoid places I've been with her. Problem is that we traveled EVERYWHERE. I'm dreading having to go to her hometown for a convention in March. Dreading even more, that she may be AT the convention.

 

From now on, I'm just dating girls that I don't like. Easier that way... Anyone know any married, 400lb girls with B.O. and herpes?

[KYoung2200]

From now on, I'm just dating girls that I don't like. Easier that way... Anyone know any married, 400lb girls with B.O. and herpes?

 

hahahaha. Laughed IRL!

[Mrlonelyone]

From now on, I'm just dating girls that I don't like. Easier that way... Anyone know any married, 400lb girls with B.O. and herpes?

 

The worse thing is that once I had a really good relationship that ended badly it makes it hard to really enjoy most relationships after that one. Because either the relationship isn't as good, or if it's about as good it feels like it must end badly.

 

She was my Marie Curie to my Pierre Curie.

[suddendumpee]

I am very concerned about this. This were SOOO good when they were good, I'm afraid my bar has been set too high. My other concern is that I may move on, only for my ex to come back into the picture when I'm at a moment of weakness or doubt in a new relationship. I fear the power she had over me could pull me back at the right time and ruin my chances of a successful relationship in the future. Why do the REALLY good ones always end so badly? And the less exciting ones that could have worked...just weren't good enough?

[J0N]

@suddendumpee the fact that everything reminds me of my ex just sucks. I was fixing something in my garage yesterday and I picked up a pair of pliers only to remember that she bought them for me. As soon as I see something like that, it makes me feel terrible inside. I honestly don’t really know what PTSD is but everything that reminds me of her makes me feel awful. I won’t go to many of the places we used to frequent together; in fact I avoid them like the plague. If you see your ex at that convention, I suggest you just avoid her. If you do end up having to talk to her or bump into her, keep it strictly business and brief. I cannot say I want any girls with BO and herpes, especially if they weigh 400 lbs lol. That is not exactly my type. I think I am just going to take time to heal before I date again. Should be pretty easy because where I live there is nobody that is my age, everyone is either 16 or 40. It is a town where people come to settle down with their families, not where young mid-20s are… totally sucks.

 

What you said about the really good ones always ending badly. I completely agree, I guess when you build up a relationship; you have further to fall when the wheels end up falling off. Definitely true in my case. I think that even though I am stronger now (only a little) if she came back into my life, I would cave in seconds. Problem is, is that I would probably never trust her again, and it would end up splitting us up again. Who knows, I have casually dated girls in the past and we both just kind of realized that we really didn’t like each other all that much and just walked away. I never really cared or was upset with it. I have never felt this way about a girl before, like I really doubt if I will ever meet someone as good. Especially where I live.

 

The hardest thing to get my head around is that she just walked out of my life after two years, she made this decision in a relatively short amount of time, and she has not even looked back. I know now that I am terrible at dealing with rejection. I did everything for this girl, and she just walked out. I don’t understand why I am pinning so much, I have felt totally deflated for this entire year (all ten days of it), and I have no energy, no motivation, ughhh. I feel like this is all some big game, I just want her back no more bs.

[andrew23]

Guys. Just read the whole thread. I feel exactly the same, an the same thing happened to me as Green and JON! Apart from the fact that i was weak and broke NC on new years eve... texted her that I miss her.

She responded with "oh my darling, i miss you too and thinking of you xxx"

 

Truth is that has brought me back to day one after 2 months of NC.

I am lost and not sure what to think anymore.

 

Sometimes I think the only medicine is meeting a super cute new girl to keep your mind off the ex. Only thing that works.

 

I also think that alot of the so called "heartbreak" is a mixture of different feelings, lonlieness, rejection, ego, self esteem. Missing just having "somebody" in your life to share things with. May not neccesarily be her your missing but a girlfriend. Thats what I like to tell myself anyway.

 

Hang in there.

[J0N]

@Andrew23

 

Breaking NC is bad; I did look at my ex’s FB profile (right before I blocked her, one last time) on Dec 9. I feel like *technically* I did break NC and that ruined my week. I think that you may be right in that meeting a new girl is the only way. I was a little conflicted about things with an ex that I broke up with about a year before this girl (current ex) but once I started seeing her and we got serious I forgot that my previous ex was even on planet earth. Only problem is that there seem to be no girls where I live, and online dating is really not my thing.

 

At least when your ex replied she was nice, I am not sure that is a sign of anything though so I wouldn’t get your hopes up. I have been surfing around these forums (mostly because I am pining all the time and cause my job gets boring lol) They say that about 7 out of 10 people end up getting contacted by their ex. For me I think that I am going to be in that 3 out of 10 that doesn’t. Even though I treated this girl like an angel, she threw me out of her life and doesn’t give an f*%^&. It really was a major shot to my self esteem. I feel like I did just about everything, I was a gentlemen, I always drove, I helped her move, I paid, I called/texted, helped her whenever she had a problem, I visited her, got her nice gifts, had a good relationship with her family, etc. and she just decided that moving to California would be more fun and maybe the grass is greener out there. She didn’t even have the backbone to face me; I asked her when we were breaking up if we could at least meet up and talk face to face. I think the reason she just vanished has something to do with her being a coward and afraid to face me. I did feel owed the decency of at least breaking up face to face, especially with everything we had been through together. This also reminds me of another absolutely ridiculous reason she gave me for breaking up, she said that I intimidate her because I am 6’5” and she was only 5’4”. Totally bull$h!t, I am a big teddy bear with women and I would never hit a girl unless she was threatening my life, seriously. I did elbow her once on accident while I was sleeping, and I felt so terrible about it that I got her a dozen roses and took her out to a really nice restaurant. I sort of wish she would reach out to me, but I know that it will never happen (probably because she is scared to show her face) and even if she did it would be a major setback. I am going through the phase where I have to start to accept that she is never coming back and needs to start fading from my life. I have to start thinking about her the way I think about other ex’s that I know are never coming back, which is just “Meh”.*

[GreenPolicy]

You get to a point where you just have to move on. They have. It's a hurt deep to the core. I feel like I had my insides ripped out. But at a certain point you have to accept the situation for what it is and get on with your life. Every moment that you spend wondering about them and obsessing over the situation is a moment that you are not spending on yourself, your life and your future. It's easier said than done and I'm guilty of not always being able to practice what I preach.

 

Friday will be 90 days (3 months) since my b/u. I feel like I've made some progress, and occasionally have moments of acceptance. I bet as time goes on those feelings of acceptance will get stronger and stronger and the pining will be less and less. You just can't flip a switch.

 

I have tried to "understand" my b/u and what I have had to realize is that there are no answers and there is no understanding. It's just the way it is. Somebody who can in a matter of weeks go from being totally devoted to you and wanting to get married and then wants to break up is not a stable person and a good candidate for a long-term commitment. My brain tells me I'm lucky to have gotten out of this r/l and a marriage would have been short-lived and disastrous. So in a way I saved myself future pain. The heart, on the other hand, does not want to accept and believe this. That is where I think our pain comes from, the heart lagging the head.

[J0N]

My last post really got me thinking. It was sort of a random thought that is really beginning to make me wonder.

 

As you may have seen earlier in this thread my ex decided somewhat quickly, maybe in a couple weeks (at least what I think) to break it off. She couldn’t face me to break up, so we ended our two year relationship via text messages. She showed absolutely no emotion when she broke it off, which is very unlike her. She seemed conflicted too, or at least that’s what I gathered from the tone of the text messages based on how well I knew her. Do you think that she regrets her decision but is trying to save face by not contacting me? Or that if she did, we might reconcile? Or am I just blowing smoke. I think this may have a little weight to it. But I am not totally sure. I think in order for me to truly get over this relationship and move on, I need to understand why it ended so that I can learn from it.

 

It is really strange how thinking about the whole situation brings back the most random of memories, like me asking her if she wanted to go for a walk in the park so we could talk things out the day before she broke up with me. She refused, we used to always go on walks together just to let off steam and shoot the $h!t, and most importantly spend time together. Random I know, but I bet she thought that I would be able to convince her to stay together against the advice of her train wreck friend. I think that somebody basically made the decision for her.

 

Or maybe I am delusional… thoughts?

[GreenPolicy]

She showed absolutely no emotion when she broke it off, which is very unlike her.

 

This is typical dumper behavior. They have already processed the decision to end the relationship, and steel themselves to get through it. That's why they seem cold.

 

Do you think that she regrets her decision but is trying to save face by not contacting me?

 

Only she knows what is going through her head. She may or may not be second-guessing her decision, she may or may not miss you, but not enough to contact you. If a person is too prideful to admit a mistake, then this is not a person you want to be with long term.

 

Or that if she did, we might reconcile? Or am I just blowing smoke. I think this may have a little weight to it. But I am not totally sure. I think in order for me to truly get over this relationship and move on, I need to understand why it ended so that I can learn from it.

 

Let's put it this way: you're on a ship that is sinking and you're hanging on to the side. You can see the shore. What should you do? Swim to the safety of the shore, or tread water and try to figure out why the boat is sinking? Swim to the shore and take care of yourself first. If your girl never expressed any dissatisfaction with the r/l, never came to you with problems that she had and things she wanted to change, didn't explain her decision to end things in a satisfactory way, then there's nothing to understand.

[J0N]

@GreenPolicy

 

I know, you are right. But like you said it is hard to practice what you preach. Congrats on making it to 90 days (on Friday, or 86 days lol, so you went NC on 10/12?), that is a major accomplishment in this whole process. I used Excel to figure out exactly how far I am, I think I miss counted before when I tried to do it manually but I am 81 days of NC so we are in the same boat.

 

I have had days where I feel like this is a new beginning for me and arguably the best thing to ever happen to me. I am beginning to accept my situation, but it may also be partly fueled by the fact that there are really not many girls my age where I live now. I want to move but I have a really good job, so I am sort of stuck. I am tired of this city, and I know that I am stuck here for a while. I have been applying in other cities, but I haven’t heard anything.

 

Again, this is not the first time you have told me that there are no answers lol. I just have a hard time controlling my thoughts at times. Last night I woke up at 3am and thought about the b/u until my alarm clock went off. I tried to stop but it seems like there is a never ending loop in my mind that once I get stuck in it is nearly impossible to break out of. You are right about both of our relationships, if they had continued they would have been a disaster in the future. At the time of our split, I had the feeling that sooner or later our relationship would shake itself to pieces.

 

Honestly one of the things that have helped me the most is this website. Most of my friends are totally sick of me talking about her, and quickly change the subject whenever she comes up. I really don’t anymore around them. It just helps to get everything off my chest. I also read all the horror stories of people who contact their ex’s only to learn that they are f**king somebody else, which would kill me. You guys have helped me to avoid prying back into her life, and shown me through countless examples that you really do not want to know what they are up to.

 

My heart seems to be a slow learner, but at this point my mind is now absolutely in control. I know better than to contact her, or look at anything, even if I get the chance. The temptation is still there but I am strong enough, I just hope that I do not bump into her, in which case the recovery train would get majorly de-railed. She is leaving here for good in about 5 months, up until that point there are only two situations where I have a chance of running into her (though slim in both cases). As long as I stick to my guns and stay away I think that eventually things will get better.*

Edited January 10, 2011 by J0N

[GreenPolicy]

I'm at 86 days since the b/u, 70 days of NC.

[strangeways]

@J0N

 

i think you, me and GP are in just about the same boat. I'm over 90 days NC (maybe 100 I can't be bothered to look it up). No attempts at contact from her since she left. This is the single most troubling thought I have, but I have it rarely now. We all know it's for the best they haven't attempted contact but we also know it takes the heart a while to catch up.

 

Everything that GP has said is right. Like him I spent weeks analysing everything that went on. I'm glad I did by the way, I learnt a lot about myself. But I got exhausted of spending MY valuable time thinking about someone that doesn't give a s**t about me and who doesn't want me in her life. I think about what's best for me now and it sure as s**t ain't her.

 

You sound like you know what you need to do. The heart WILL catch up just takes time. Accept the lows, embrace the highs.

[J0N]

@strangeways

 

We are all on the same $h!tty boat. These thoughts do trouble me and I have to begin training my brain to just let go. Easier said than done. GreenPolicy has given a lot of really good advice, and honestly I know/knew what I have to do, it is as we have all said easier said than done.

 

These thoughts will likely trouble me for a long time, as she was my first true love. I have dated before her, but I had never truly loved anyone before. I guess when you think that the feeling is reciprocal; you don’t expect them to just walk out of your life so quickly.

 

I also think one of the key catalysts of my pinning is my current situation. *I currently live in an area where people come to settle down and start their families. I feel really isolated; I do not have many friends where I currently live. I have a great job right now, but I think I am going to start focusing all my energy into getting a new job in a big city like New York, Boston, Chicago, or San Francisco or something of the like. I want to go somewhere new, meet new people and start my life over. I am young and I really want something new, but getting a job is proving to be very difficult, and that ultimately is the deal breaker. I think in my current situation, it will take substantially longer to get over my ex girlfriend.

[suddendumpee]

F- this sh**. We should all get together (young and old) and go on Spring Break to Cancun in March and wing for each other and play the numbers game on 21-23 year old girls. THAT is what I call therapy (and possibly a midlife-crisis for me since I'm 32, but I've been told I look more like 27...haha) Who's in!

[J0N]

I wish I could take a vacation lol, the weather here sucks right now. Its freezing and snowing like crazy.

 

Today is another day of feeling down and depressed. Though I have come to realize recently that this may not be entirely caused by my ex leaving me. I live in a small town where there are really no people my age (mid 20's). I guess I feel isolated and alone. My ex leaving me to go to California was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. As of right now I want to move to a new city but I cannot find another job. I think I may be slipping into a sort of mild depression, I am just not happy anymore. I am normally a really positive, upbeat guy, but I just feel down all the time now. Even though I have a pretty good job, I still do not feel like my life is going in the direction that I want. I do not want to be single my whole life. I want to meet someone nice and be a "family man" I am the kind of guy who sees those Disneyland commercials, where the parents surprise their kids with a trip to Disneyland and they go nuts. I look at that and think that that is what I want in life. I live to make other people happy, and now that I am isolated and alone I feel like I will never get another chance.

 

This constant down feeling is really beginning to interfere with my life and day to day. I just do not know what to do anymore.

[suddendumpee]

I'm the same way. 32 years old and SOOO jealous of my friends who have wives/kids to greet them when they go home. Funny thing is, they are all SOOO jealous of me and keep telling me to wait as long as possible. haha. Grass is greener! Anyway, this quote stood out:

 

"I live to make other people happy".

 

You have to change this. This is not healthy. Live to make yourself happy first and foremost, and maybe you will find yourself attracting the right kinds of people.