Mixed (but mostly crappy) feelings

[dreamingoftigers]

I have to get and get tested for STDs today.

 

I was listening to the radio yesterday and they mentioned how Syphilis is on the rise here in Alberta. Then they started talking about how it can turn into a brain/heart infection etc. and how a child born with it can be permanently neurologically damaged.

 

I felt really, really sick. I know that I had STD testing when my daughter was born, but I do not know if my husband has taken part in any behaviours since for sure. I feel like such a ****ing idiot! :mad::sick:

 

This whole time I could be infected, I kept thinking along the lines of: most of everything is curable or at least manageable. Wtf what I thinking?

 

1) It is only curable/manageable if you know that you have it.

2) So what? Why should I have to go through that

3) The bastard could've killed me or caused neurological damage to our daughter!

 

Even if he gets tested and comes up clean, he still could be doing at-risk behaviours, at the very least he isn't monitoring himself and managing the risk with recovery.

 

I decided yesterday that I am not putting myself at any more personal risk to sleep with him, no matter how dedicated he seems to putting things back together.

 

If he wants us to be a family he will have to

a) get tested (why the hell I didn't follow through on this demand earlier, I will never know)

b) Actually do his recovery, not just me do mine and him promise he isn't acting out

c) full disclosure including polygraph.

 

Once those steps are taken I would feel like I could trust enough because the risk would be lowered. I am also not going to nag him. He has to want that himself, if he isn't willing to do that, I don't want a relationship with him anymore because he obviously would not care about my safety.

 

I really hate how I got married, stayed loyal and have to go for STD testing (now conceivably every six months AND I AM NEEDLE PHOBIC:sick:) because I married someone that just wants to screw around. I actually kind of hate him for putting me in this position.

 

Thoughts?

[cyabye]

Thoughts?

 

Divorce. It's NOT worth risking your life to be with this man (I speak from personal experiences regarding my ex wife) and your daughter need a healthy mother.

 

cya

[dreamingoftigers]

Divorce. It's NOT worth risking your life to be with this man (I speak from personal experiences regarding my ex wife) and your daughter need a healthy mother.

 

cya

 

Thanks for your advice.

[in pain]

Oh my word!!!! I just got cheated on and the woman he cheated with is now pregnant. You just me thinking about STD's. I've just been wallowing in this pain that I didn't even think about that...

[dreamingoftigers]

I know! I didn't think of it for so long. I told him to get tested awhile ago and then I didn't enforce it or go get tested myself. All of the personal stuff/trauma totally makes you forget about some of the basics.

 

Go get er done so you aren't wondering down the road!

 

Stupid cheater people!!!

[so conflicted]

This is the kind of thing that really scares me too. My friend is a physician who just told me an awful story about a patient of his whose husband told her (after over 30 years of marriage and having their first grandkids!) that he had found someone else and was leaving her. She went to be tested for STDs and found out she had gonorrhea.

 

I told this story to another friend who is a nurse. She told me an even worse story: one of the long-term patients in her practice gave her husband a KIDNEY and he ended up leaving her a few years later for another woman.

 

People can be so incredibly horrible!!!

[fltc]

Here's hoping all your tests are negative, please let us know, you have a lot of friends here and we're all keeping our fingers crossed (which makes it pretty hard to type, but you get the idea....)

 

Good luck!

[dreamingoftigers]

 

I actually have to go back to the clinic for results. They don't give em out over the phone. Some things are obvious that I don't have though.

[Linda9999]

 

I actually have to go back to the clinic for results. They don't give em out over the phone. Some things are obvious that I don't have though.

 

We ran into the same thing. I took myself in and got tested the very week I found out in March. My family doc was great and just called me to let me know everything was negative. Then after finding out about the June hooker incident in november, I made him go again, and I went with him to get the results. I wasn't about to trust him to just tell me. but he went to the walk in clinic, and they wouldn't tell him over the phone. it's so that they get paid for another appt

 

One note about herpes: They cannot test for herpes, though, unless you or he has lesions. There's a blood test, but 80% of people will be positive for it because they had a cold sore at some point. The blood test can't differentiate between genital herpes and the cold sore type either. So, you have to ask to get the blood test and most drs will tell you it's a waste of time, you have to argue if you want it.

 

I am so sorry you have to go through this

[TigerCub]

 

I actually have to go back to the clinic for results. They don't give em out over the phone. Some things are obvious that I don't have though.

 

I've always gotten tested in Ottawa (where I live), but the way they do it is that you don't have to go in unless something is wrong.

If all is well, you just don't get a call back.

 

I hope that your tests go well.

 

I've read your replies to other posters when it came to their issues with cheating spouses and I was always so surprised, because you seem so insightful and objective when it comes to helping others, it always made me wonder why you're still with your H, especially since you don't trust him and you're not sure if he's "continuing" his activities. And now you're having to worry about STDs. I'm just and outsider looking in, but I think you deserve so much better than that.

 

I wish you the best.

[dreamingoftigers]

I've always gotten tested in Ottawa (where I live), but the way they do it is that you don't have to go in unless something is wrong.

If all is well, you just don't get a call back.

 

I hope that your tests go well.

 

I've read your replies to other posters when it came to their issues with cheating spouses and I was always so surprised, because you seem so insightful and objective when it comes to helping others, it always made me wonder why you're still with your H, especially since you don't trust him and you're not sure if he's "continuing" his activities. And now you're having to worry about STDs. I'm just and outsider looking in, but I think you deserve so much better than that.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Thanks for this, now I read on the website for the clinic that you have to go back in for the blood test results. I didn't actually ask anyone there. If it is a callback, then I am not aware of it.

 

Earlier this year my husband went for blood tests for an unrelated issue but wasn't given the results. When we called our GP's office they said that if there isn't a callback, then there is nothing to worry about. We pressed further because my H wanted to know the exact number for his CRP levels. Then we found out that they hadn't received the test from the lab at all! (and it had been a month) So even if there isn't a call back, I will follow up because I run my own business and there are always more glitches in the system then people would ever suspect.

 

Unfortunately with my own upbringing I am able to spot outside influences with very little trouble (especially from my panhandling years. You can usually tell who is and who isn't going to give to you, and who is going to give you a hard time, even before they notice you sitting there). Now though, like in my family I simply don't have the perfect radar to spot when something is off as well as I would like. As least I didn't.

 

Because of a lot of the emotional clouding in this situation it is hard sometmes to see if I am recalling something, catastrophizing (family trait I can assure you, check out my Bitchy Christmas thread), or if I have it spot on.

 

That being said, I have been presented with no new evidence of any wrongdoing, BUT my husband has not been pursuing his recovery actively since the first week or so he was medicated. Since I am on the same medication I can easily say that being sparked into an addictive cycle is less likely. However, he is an incredible liar (which sucks because I am an incredible spotter of liars) and I have gotten much better at spotting it. In fact key words he uses let me know right away he is lying (he doesn't know that I know that, been very useful if I don't point it out). Furthermore when he is in an addictive cycle he is one moody bastard which I have seen a great reduction in lately (I assume that it is from the guilt). He also hasn't been too happy lately. It seems to be a fine line.

 

He is a critical dude a lot of times but lately seems to be making steps in that direction.

 

To be honest, I am open to reconciling with him but I have put some protective boundaries in place because I don't trust him (as per S-Anon advice). The boundary here that I am *facepalming* myself about is the fact that we have still slept together without making sure that I have ensured my personal safety.

 

I am 98% sure that the behaviours aren't continuing, BUT 98% sure could cause a catastrophe that BP would be scared to deal with. If there is any new evidence of any issue like that, I will disappear faster then the Pope at a Gay Pride Parade. For now I am going to continue with my personal recovery and ensure my own safety. Financial, physical and emotional.

 

I don't expect the world from him and will always probably have a healthy does of skepticism. But I won't be blinded again. I also know that if he wants to continue that life, he will have to do it without us, he would have put that choice on me and I am no longer afraid to make it.

 

I have seen effort and positive moment on his part outside of his treatment and dealing with me. Now he simply would need to do his treatment to repair some trust between us. On this front I am not willing to wait forever either. He knows that it has been more then one year since he started recovery and I feel free to walk anytime because of this.

 

Personally I am planning to walk March 1st if he does not return to treatment. I have not told him the date, it is up to him to go. If he relapses before then, I will go before then unless he returns to treatment immediately after relapse. Honestly, I think that he will return to treatment tomorrow. I don't expect it and will not ask him to. But I think that is what will happen.

 

I know I have more patience then most. It is actually not fear, or love that keeps me here at this point. My own character demands that I make a plan regarding this and not let my feelings override what could be healthy for me (I probably would have given him at least a swirlie by now if that was that case). Just like digging out the archived "No Replies" messages started at Nov 8th and moved forward from them, regardless of content etc. I am just. ridiculously. methodical. (except in the case of double posts and spam). I am just. ridiculously. methodical. with my relationships as well. Mostly, it serves me well.

 

I also still love him.

[TigerCub]

Thanks for this, now I read on the website for the clinic that you have to go back in for the blood test results. I didn't actually ask anyone there. If it is a callback, then I am not aware of it.

 

Earlier this year my husband went for blood tests for an unrelated issue but wasn't given the results. When we called our GP's office they said that if there isn't a callback, then there is nothing to worry about. We pressed further because my H wanted to know the exact number for his CRP levels. Then we found out that they hadn't received the test from the lab at all! (and it had been a month) So even if there isn't a call back, I will follow up because I run my own business and there are always more glitches in the system then people would ever suspect.

 

Unfortunately with my own upbringing I am able to spot outside influences with very little trouble (especially from my panhandling years. You can usually tell who is and who isn't going to give to you, and who is going to give you a hard time, even before they notice you sitting there). Now though, like in my family I simply don't have the perfect radar to spot when something is off as well as I would like. As least I didn't.

 

Because of a lot of the emotional clouding in this situation it is hard sometmes to see if I am recalling something, catastrophizing (family trait I can assure you, check out my Bitchy Christmas thread), or if I have it spot on.

 

That being said, I have been presented with no new evidence of any wrongdoing, BUT my husband has not been pursuing his recovery actively since the first week or so he was medicated. Since I am on the same medication I can easily say that being sparked into an addictive cycle is less likely. However, he is an incredible liar (which sucks because I am an incredible spotter of liars) and I have gotten much better at spotting it. In fact key words he uses let me know right away he is lying (he doesn't know that I know that, been very useful if I don't point it out). Furthermore when he is in an addictive cycle he is one moody bastard which I have seen a great reduction in lately (I assume that it is from the guilt). He also hasn't been too happy lately. It seems to be a fine line.

 

He is a critical dude a lot of times but lately seems to be making steps in that direction.

 

To be honest, I am open to reconciling with him but I have put some protective boundaries in place because I don't trust him (as per S-Anon advice). The boundary here that I am *facepalming* myself about is the fact that we have still slept together without making sure that I have ensured my personal safety.

 

I am 98% sure that the behaviours aren't continuing, BUT 98% sure could cause a catastrophe that BP would be scared to deal with. If there is any new evidence of any issue like that, I will disappear faster then the Pope at a Gay Pride Parade. For now I am going to continue with my personal recovery and ensure my own safety. Financial, physical and emotional.

 

I don't expect the world from him and will always probably have a healthy does of skepticism. But I won't be blinded again. I also know that if he wants to continue that life, he will have to do it without us, he would have put that choice on me and I am no longer afraid to make it.

 

I have seen effort and positive moment on his part outside of his treatment and dealing with me. Now he simply would need to do his treatment to repair some trust between us. On this front I am not willing to wait forever either. He knows that it has been more then one year since he started recovery and I feel free to walk anytime because of this.

 

Personally I am planning to walk March 1st if he does not return to treatment. I have not told him the date, it is up to him to go. If he relapses before then, I will go before then unless he returns to treatment immediately after relapse. Honestly, I think that he will return to treatment tomorrow. I don't expect it and will not ask him to. But I think that is what will happen.

 

I know I have more patience then most. It is actually not fear, or love that keeps me here at this point. My own character demands that I make a plan regarding this and not let my feelings override what could be healthy for me (I probably would have given him at least a swirlie by now if that was that case). Just like digging out the archived "No Replies" messages started at Nov 8th and moved forward from them, regardless of content etc. I am just. ridiculously. methodical. (except in the case of double posts and spam). I am just. ridiculously. methodical. with my relationships as well. Mostly, it serves me well.

 

I also still love him.

 

You make a good point about the callbacks and how sometimes people aren't as on the ball as I would hope they would be.

Good for you for making sure to follow up - that's definitely the best way to go - and I certainly will be calling them from now on

(not that I get them THAT often)

 

As for your background info on your situation with your H...

 

WOW!!

Thanks for sharing all of that info.

From reading everything, you really strike me as such a patient person. Very strong too.

 

I'm glad that you have a deadline in mind and that you don't have a fear of walking away from him if you need to.

 

I hope that he does actually put in the effort for his recovery, because he's lucky to have someone like you by his side, and he'd be a fool to throw everything away. I understand though that substance abuse is hard to get past and that there are always other issues that lead to the substance problem itself, I just hope that he cleans up his act and sorts through all those issues for himself, you and your child.

 

I wish you all the best

[dreamingoftigers]

You make a good point about the callbacks and how sometimes people aren't as on the ball as I would hope they would be.

Good for you for making sure to follow up - that's definitely the best way to go - and I certainly will be calling them from now on

(not that I get them THAT often)

 

As for your background info on your situation with your H...

 

WOW!!

Thanks for sharing all of that info.

From reading everything, you really strike me as such a patient person. Very strong too.

 

I'm glad that you have a deadline in mind and that you don't have a fear of walking away from him if you need to.

 

I hope that he does actually put in the effort for his recovery, because he's lucky to have someone like you by his side, and he'd be a fool to throw everything away. I understand though that substance abuse is hard to get past and that there are always other issues that lead to the substance problem itself, I just hope that he cleans up his act and sorts through all those issues for himself, you and your child.

 

I wish you all the best

 

Thanks very much. Things have been going much better and for the first time in a long time, we have both been able to taste a little happiness.