LifeIsGreat Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 I remember when I was going through a divorce many years ago I simply could not understand why she was moving on so easily. I did a lot of reading, and this is what I found. Most dumpers have made the decision many weeks or months before actually pulling the trigger. They have started the grieving process long before you have. I remember seeing that in my wife. She had been so sad (almost like someone had died) for quite a while before she left. Now I can see what that was about. By the time they leave, they have already gone through some of the grieving stages that you are just beginning. Dumpers also feel a strong sense of control when they leave you, and go through a 'honeymoon' stage with the break up. There is almost a sense of euphoria and relief that they have finally made the break. All of a sudden they seem sooooo happy. This usually wears off. If a dumper blames you for them 'having' to leave, it's not uncommon for them to rub their happiness in your face. They WANT you to hurt, and will do or say things sometimes in a passive-aggressive way to make sure you see how happy they are- so you can hurt. Sometimes this does involve them getting with someone else very quickly (which is usually a rebound and doesn't work out anyway). That's another reason that no contact is so important. Don't continue giving your ex that power over you. If you're not in contact it will be harder for the ex to torture you, and stay away from FB!!! At some point dumpers do start to forget some of the bad in your relationship and may question their decision-- but this rarely converts to action to win you back. Why? I have NO idea-- could be pride or assuming you wouldn't want them back anyway so what's the point in asking. And don't forget- there was SOME reason for you to be dumped. Maybe it was you, maybe it was them, maybe it was both of you. Doesn't really matter now, does it? The fact is your ex is your ex so it's time to move on. If there was something that could be worked out to make your relationship better it should have been done BEFORE the break up. If your ex is ever interested in trying to workout your issues, they will let you know in no uncertain terms. Do NOT settle for their crumbs, half hearted attempts, or those damn hints. I have to say that some people use breaking up as a wake up call to the dumpee. Don't settle for that, it's not healthy. Relationships are worked on from within, not from the outside. Link to post Share on other sites
Leandro Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 I like this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 If your ex is ever interested in trying to workout your issues, they will let you know in no uncertain terms. Do NOT settle for their crumbs, half hearted attempts, or those damn hints. If the dumper was slow in their method of leaving, then if they are subsequently interested in try to workout the issues, they may not necessarily let the dumpee know that "in no uncertain terms". Often times the dumper is embarrassed as to what happened and want to take small steps initially to gauage the interest/mood of the dumper. As such the dumper would also be just as slow to return back. If a dumper starts giving half-hearted attempts and the dumpee is still interested in a possible reconcilation, the dumpee doesn't have to settle for just that, however, the dumpee should at least seriously explore those attempts and start asking the dumper questions including what is their intention. Sticking to strict NC hoping with dumper will make their intentions more clear may actually not help in the reconcilation process. Link to post Share on other sites
Username37 Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 ****ing a. ****ing a Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeIsGreat Posted December 31, 2010 Author Share Posted December 31, 2010 If the dumper was slow in their method of leaving, then if they are subsequently interested in try to workout the issues, they may not necessarily let the dumpee know that "in no uncertain terms". Often times the dumper is embarrassed as to what happened and want to take small steps initially to gauage the interest/mood of the dumper. As such the dumper would also be just as slow to return back. If a dumper starts giving half-hearted attempts and the dumpee is still interested in a possible reconcilation, the dumpee doesn't have to settle for just that, however, the dumpee should at least seriously explore those attempts and start asking the dumper questions including what is their intention. Sticking to strict NC hoping with dumper will make their intentions more clear may actually not help in the reconcilation process. Check out my other post that kinda goes along with what you're saying http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258649/ Here's the thing about it though. I have always been the one to 'eat crow' (and do it without NC) and get my GF back. BUT- I got her back but everything was the same, even if I made changes. After a break up BOTH people have to take responsibility, apologize for hurting the other, and then figure what has to happen differently in the relationship. Otherwise, you would have been better off staying apart and moving forward with grieving/healing. I cant help feeling that the dumper should make the first move (most of the time). But as most experienced dumpees will tell you, a dumper who simply stays in touch or throws us crumbs isn't usually trying to get back with us. Link to post Share on other sites
goldenrainbow Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 (edited) well all this talk about dumper and dumpee... I tell you, I was the dumper and I am fighting constantly this mad love I feel for him and to him trying to get back. I ended it because it was a toxic relationship where I caught myself under the obsessive control of a man who was verbally abusive to me. It was either suffering long term with him or suffering now with the breakup. I chose the breakup for my own mental sanity. I cannot, and I emphasize, I CANNOT move on, unfortunately. He is constantly in my head and thoughts and I miss him so much. And although I had been thinking about the breakup for a while before I actually ended the relationship, yes, I am dying inside. Edited December 31, 2010 by goldenrainbow Link to post Share on other sites
freeshrink Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 But as most experienced dumpees will tell you, a dumper who simply stays in touch or throws us crumbs isn't usually trying to get back with us. I hope none of us become "experienced dumpees" in 2011. After a breakup, somebody needs to break the ice if reconciliation is feasible. If the dumpee breaks "no contact" within 6 months of the breakup and the dumper has not reached out with the olive branch, the reconciliation is doomed. I agree with LIfeIsGreat. The burden lies with the dumper to initiate contact and have a serious "talk." However, if more than 6 months have elapsed then the dumper's may not be so bold as to admit their mistake. Their tail may be in between their leg. Perhaps, their dating life has been a disaster. Pride is hard to completely deflate. Therefore, they may send an innocent, generic text or email just to open the lines of communication. It is the responsibility of the dumpee to not jump at the opportunity, if they so choose. Yes, myself, an "experienced" dumpee made this mistake. The dumpee must ratchet up the level of attractiveness by being aloof. Call it games, call it what you want. It is reallly important to know if the dumper is giving us just bread crumbs or the entire loaf. When the dumper initiates contact, the traffic light is yellow, not green. Proceed with caution! Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 I hope none of us become "experienced dumpees" in 2011. After a breakup, somebody needs to break the ice if reconciliation is feasible. If the dumpee breaks "no contact" within 6 months of the breakup and the dumper has not reached out with the olive branch, the reconciliation is doomed. I agree with LIfeIsGreat. The burden lies with the dumper to initiate contact and have a serious "talk." However, if more than 6 months have elapsed then the dumper's may not be so bold as to admit their mistake. Their tail may be in between their leg. Perhaps, their dating life has been a disaster. Pride is hard to completely deflate. Therefore, they may send an innocent, generic text or email just to open the lines of communication. It is the responsibility of the dumpee to not jump at the opportunity, if they so choose. Yes, myself, an "experienced" dumpee made this mistake. The dumpee must ratchet up the level of attractiveness by being aloof. Call it games, call it what you want. It is reallly important to know if the dumper is giving us just bread crumbs or the entire loaf. When the dumper initiates contact, the traffic light is yellow, not green. Proceed with caution! I just posted about this. My ex just texted me today, 4 months post breakup, 2 months NC. He said: happy almost new year... you've been on my mind. He sent it to me early in the day and I haven't responded yet. How would you respond to that kind of text? Link to post Share on other sites
Akumark Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Pandagirl, are you over it, if not just don't reply, and delete it. I so want to beleive in NC Anyways I suck at helping people go in the right way, just listen to the other experienced people here, they knows. Link to post Share on other sites
D78 Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Most dumpers have made the decision many weeks or months before actually pulling the trigger. They have started the grieving process long before you have... If there was something that could be worked out to make your relationship better it should have been done BEFORE the break up... Isn't this way of doing things (1) incredibly selfish, (2) unfairly painful to both the dumpee and dumper, and (3) kinda like what a 5-year-old would do? Dumpers avoid saying the words because they don't want to hurt dumpees (i.e. they don't want to deal with any guilt they may feel). But, doing things this way is so much more damaging, it just damages the dumpee more. That makes me think some dumpers are selfish jerks who don't understand the process of saying words to one another... Just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 After a break up BOTH people have to take responsibility, apologize for hurting the other, and then figure what has to happen differently in the relationship. Otherwise, you would have been better off staying apart and moving forward with grieving/healing. Yes. I think it all comes down to communications. BOTH people have to communicate better with the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Fern Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 This is such an interesting thread but I'm quite drunk so you will have to forgive me. I was 'technically' the dumper because he didn't have the balls to actually do the deed. He just made it impossible to stay. And now he has been hanging about like we're friends. Nothing I can pinpoint as being inappropriate (we live in the same block of flats and have lots of mutual friends) but my intuition tells me. Well the way I feel, if he wants back with me he needs to be very, very, very ****ing clear about it. And I'll probably STILL tell him to go **** himself. Several times. But yeah, I'm still enough of a SAP to consider 'working on it'. Even though I know if it needs work it's not worth working on. Our problem is we're all addicted to drama. We think drama = love. We're all idiots! Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Fern, Your situation is a great example of why communications is required from either side if there is to be any chance of reconciliation. Well the way I feel, if he wants back with me he needs to be very, very, very ****ing clear about it. And I'll probably STILL tell him to go **** himself. Several times. You are the "dumper" and you are thinking this way waiting for your ex to make a move. Yet, if your ex came on here asking for advice, it is very likely the advice given would be to wait for you to make a move. I don't think it really matters who starts or continues the communications. The key is to get it going whether you are the dumper or dumpee, otherwise, it's a stale mate and reconciliation will never have a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Fern Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Fern, Your situation is a great example of why communications is required from either side if there is to be any chance of reconciliation. You are the "dumper" and you are thinking this way waiting for your ex to make a move. Yet, if your ex came on here asking for advice, it is very likely the advice given would be to wait for you to make a move. I don't think it really matters who starts or continues the communications. The key is to get it going whether you are the dumper or dumpee, otherwise, it's a stale mate and reconciliation will never have a chance. Argh! Stop it! You can't be saying stuff like this to me! lol That's like offering an alcoholic beer! My ex is with someone else now. Even if he's hanging about thinking maybe he might have made a mistake doesn't change the person he is. He'll do it again. He hasn't changed. I deserve better than he has to offer. Screw him. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Argh! Stop it! You can't be saying stuff like this to me! lol That's like offering an alcoholic beer! My ex is with someone else now. Even if he's hanging about thinking maybe he might have made a mistake doesn't change the person he is. He'll do it again. He hasn't changed. I deserve better than he has to offer. Screw him. Ok that does change things around a bit. I hadn't read your back story. Wishing you the best in 2011 Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 This has def. been the hardest thing to me, my ex moved on real quick and as much as i hate to say it, im pretty sure stuff was going on during the end of us. Like the OP said, its actually pretty easy to understand. The person who does the dumping has already had it on their mind, and while its immature, they are technically already "done". In my situation i was not an angel, i could have been better and done things better in the relationship. The problem i had (and it wont happen again) is i believed so much in "love" i thought that it could never end the way it did. I felt like that if you say those words it can never just break off instantly, there would be a process, well there wasnt and it happened in one day real quick. I was using the L word as a crutch. Personally i think my ex didnt want to feel the pain so she moved on, this girl has never and i mean never not been in a relationship, so feeling that pain wasnt going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Isn't this way of doing things (1) incredibly selfish, (2) unfairly painful to both the dumpee and dumper, and (3) kinda like what a 5-year-old would do? Dumpers avoid saying the words because they don't want to hurt dumpees (i.e. they don't want to deal with any guilt they may feel). But, doing things this way is so much more damaging, it just damages the dumpee more. That makes me think some dumpers are selfish jerks who don't understand the process of saying words to one another... Just a thought. This is exactly what my stbx did to me.. she even setup an exit strategy and later I found out she opened a checking and savings account of her own behind my back a month before she left. Things between us had not been going well at all, but at no time did I ever go behind her back and betray her like that. Link to post Share on other sites
mmiller5373 Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Isn't this way of doing things (1) incredibly selfish, (2) unfairly painful to both the dumpee and dumper, and (3) kinda like what a 5-year-old would do? Dumpers avoid saying the words because they don't want to hurt dumpees (i.e. they don't want to deal with any guilt they may feel). But, doing things this way is so much more damaging, it just damages the dumpee more. That makes me think some dumpers are selfish jerks who don't understand the process of saying words to one another... Just a thought. D78, This is so true. I don't know when my ex girlfriend realized that she was wanting to breakup, but I'll tell you how selfish that mentality is. She was still sending me romantic messages two weeks prior to our breakup. Love changes, but not in 2 weeks, right? It's something that happens slowly over a few months. We had our problems from May to August, but if something was truly wrong with her, she should have said something much earlier, because when she broke up with me, it was a shock to me. I remember her breaking up with me, telling me, "I want to be friends..." and "listen, things aren't right right now, but maybe they can work in a year or so." Those statements gave me hope and it was the wrong thing for her to say. She didn't want to deal with my pain and figured it would be easier on her if she said those things to me. She didn't really want to be friends. Why? I'll tell you why. I found out she was seriously, romantically involved with someone a month after the breakup. Now, she isn't the type of girl to get seriously involved with men that quickly. It took us months before we actually started to consider ourselves together. Even longer before we started taking romantic pictures together. Now, just weeks after the breakup, she's serious enough to take kissing pictures with this new guy? What I ended up finding out is that he had been around for months... probably as a friend, a shoulder to lean on. I never knew about him though. She didn't want to be friends with me because if we were, I would find out about her "emotionally" cheating on me. So, she cut me out of her life. Did she want to get back together in a year? Maybe, but probably not. Her detachment from me and the fact that she ignored my attempts to contact her post-breakup tells me that she selfishly told me those things to make it easier on herself. She thought only of herself and didn't think that telling me those statements would only damage me even more, which it did. It left me hanging on to something that wasn't there; to something that apparently hadn't been there in months. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Being the dumpee totally sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
D78 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 mmiller & marqueemoon, I feel your pain. One week before dumping me, he had this big heart-to-heart conversation with me. He cried and said how much he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. He wasn't the crying type, and this conversation was totally out of the blue. It was weird. How he could do this and dump me the next Sunday I will never know. It's so strange - these people were once so caring, trustworthy... it's really like they flipped switches and became other people. Going behind your back to get ready to leave, without even talking about the problems in the relationship, or going behind your back and setting up a new relationship before breaking up? Ugh. We are all better off without them. Link to post Share on other sites
PleasantDeviation Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 My ex dumped me 2 months ago and he immediately cut all contact. I've tried to reach out to him a couple of times without success. I know he won't come back. That's just his personality. I'm really trying to get over him. I just can't get him off my mind. I still adore him. I hate the fact that I'm probably just a distant memory to him while I dream of him every single night! Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 As far as the dreaming thing goes, I have dreamed of my H (who left me) the past few nights and it makes me wake up sick to my stomach. Link to post Share on other sites
bluebirdsfly Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Going behind your back to get ready to leave, without even talking about the problems in the relationship, or going behind your back and setting up a new relationship before breaking up? Ugh. We are all better off without them. that's exactly the reason I'm upset. He should at least talk to me about the problems instead of breaking it off out of the blue. Link to post Share on other sites
Melodie Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 (edited) Ugh. Birdsfly. My ex is the same. He won't talk about the problem because of he's personality as well. Just thinks that I am never going to change and blaming it all on me it feels like. He does not realise that he is at fault as well either. Frustrating. He just seems to want out but. . Edited January 3, 2011 by Melodie Link to post Share on other sites
mmiller5373 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Ugh. Birdsfly. My ex is the same. He won't talk about the problem because of he's personality as well. Just thinks that I am never going to change and blaming it all on me it feels like. He does not realise that he is at fault as well either. Frustrating. He just seems to want out but. . My ex gf blamed me for everything when she left. I was already in a bad place; my self esteem was shot from being unemployed. She did and said everything to make it seem like it was my fault. She made me feel so bad about stuff. It wasn't until recently that I started to realize that I didn't do anything wrong. It was her. She has the problems. Link to post Share on other sites
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