Intimacy issues...

[Mind's Playing Tricks on Me]

Hello,

 

This is somewhat of a mature subject matter, so I'll apologize in advance if this offends somebody.

 

I recently (2 weeks) broke up with a girlfriend of which we had serious plans of being together forever, going to Europe together, etc... However, though there was passion, we really didn't get along as friends.

 

This was really brought to my attention when I met someone else a week before I broke up with my then-girlfriend. We hit it off real well, and I found what I had been missing. I could act like "me", which is what I wanted all along.

 

Anyways, I broke up with the one girl before I became intimate with the other, and things couldn't be better.

 

However, during the last weekend, we tried to "consumate" the relationship. Although we had been seeing each other every day for 3 weeks, I didn't feel ready to go "all the way" until my head was cleared up.

 

Well, needless to say, I had some difficulty getting / maintaining an erection. I am positive it has nothing to do with her, but just the baggage I have in my head. I thought that waiting would have solved it, but I couldn't help but think of my ex at times, which does nothing to help the moment.

 

I think the fact that I had to wear a condom for the first time in 4-5 years didn't help as well. By the time I got the thing on, my erection was almost gone...

 

I would really not like to repeat that experience. Things went really well anyways, but I can't have this happen again. And of course worrying that it may happen again just makes it that much more likely that it will.

 

Is there anything short of viagra that I can do?

[Tony T]

The best thing you can do is communicate with your partner and let her know that you are still going through the healing process because of the break up with your fiance. Let her know why you broke up with your fiance and why you feel your current relationship is far more fulfilling and makes you so much happier.

 

Let her know how you feel about this encounter and also let her know you have apprehensions about this happening again in the future and you don't want that to happen. Be very honest with her, but also let her know how very special she is and that your failure to achieve a full erection had absolutely nothing to do with her. Affirm that she is very attractive to you.

 

Sex takes place in the brain, not at the genitals. The genitals merely hold the nerotransmitters that send signals to the brain that give us pleasure. If you have other things going on in your brain at the time of sex, then things won't work. Ask you current girlfriend to please be patient and understanding with you. Let her know you want to be intimate with her again soon and that you would appreciate all of her understanding should things not work out. Get a real comfort level.

 

I think your current girlfriend will understand and there will be no problems. If you completely brief your girlfriend on this problem and let her know how your performance fears, her expression of understanding will go a long way to helping you achieve the results you desire.

 

I might also suggest that you both get checked for sexually transmitted diseases. If you are both found to be free, then ask how she feels about some type of birth control. Condoms do save lives and pregnancies but for some they can truly interupt and make awkward a romantic moment.

 

Talking about these things will bring the two of you closer together and help you to feel a lot better. You were also very correct to get away from a lady for whom you felt there was little or no bond of friendship.

[Mind's Playing Tricks on Me]

Thanks, a lot of what you said certainly holds true. She is fully aware that I just finished an intense relationship, and she knows that she was one of the key reasons that I actually broke up with my ex.

 

However, my normal "healing" process is about 3 months, a "women suck" phase if you will, where I really don't look fora commitment. However in this case I pretty much jumped from one to the next.

 

I'm young (early 20's) so there definitely isn't anything physical. Just mental. How do I get my Ex out of my mind? My current is a great woman, and I totally think we are way more compatible. I just can't get the ex out of my mind.

 

Some of it may be that my ex and I had a great sex life. Like, incredible. I'm probably being too harsh comparing the two. Thus I have too much going on in my head?

 

Either way, it's really unacceptable by me, no matter how understanding she may be.

 

Any questions/comments would be greatly appreciated.

The best thing you can do is communicate with your partner and let her know that you are still going through the healing process because of the break up with your fiance. Let her know why you broke up with your fiance and why you feel your current relationship is far more fulfilling and makes you so much happier. Let her know how you feel about this encounter and also let her know you have apprehensions about this happening again in the future and you don't want that to happen. Be very honest with her, but also let her know how very special she is and that your failure to achieve a full erection had absolutely nothing to do with her. Affirm that she is very attractive to you. Sex takes place in the brain, not at the genitals. The genitals merely hold the nerotransmitters that send signals to the brain that give us pleasure. If you have other things going on in your brain at the time of sex, then things won't work. Ask you current girlfriend to please be patient and understanding with you. Let her know you want to be intimate with her again soon and that you would appreciate all of her understanding should things not work out. Get a real comfort level.

 

I think your current girlfriend will understand and there will be no problems. If you completely brief your girlfriend on this problem and let her know how your performance fears, her expression of understanding will go a long way to helping you achieve the results you desire. I might also suggest that you both get checked for sexually transmitted diseases. If you are both found to be free, then ask how she feels about some type of birth control. Condoms do save lives and pregnancies but for some they can truly interupt and make awkward a romantic moment. Talking about these things will bring the two of you closer together and help you to feel a lot better. You were also very correct to get away from a lady for whom you felt there was little or no bond of friendship.

[Tony T]

Very sorry. You are the ONLY one on planet earth that can control your thoughts and feelings. You and you alone are the only one that controls the data that is processed in your brain.

 

There may be some tricks you can play on your brain to get you ex out of your mind but in so doing, you only bring her to mind even more.

 

This is just going to take some time, that's all. You are simply going to have to have patience with yourself.